Last year I was riding along the MUP and was overtaken and consequently dropped by a rather fit female triathloner. She had that hard shell of a body and was built for speed. Boy was that an embarrassment. People in the village were talking about it, they snickered whenever I walked by. I hung my head low. I decided I was not going to let this happen again. I had to lose weight and get in better shape, develop more power. Like something out of an old Sylvester Stallone movie I began to work out. I cut out the deep fried cheese sticks and the bacon wrapped chicken wings (boy that was hard) and started interval training – weight matters. If I saw this goddess again I would not let her drop me this time.
I put my engineering degree to good work, I began putting all my ride data in a spread sheet and plotted and graphed my progress. I tuned up my heart rate monitor and watched the power meter. I read books and stayed away from pie. I was motivated.
Fast forward to today, I knew there was a good chance for her to be out there again. The river was warming up and it was a nice day. If I timed it right she would be coming out from the swim part of her training and I could catch her and run her down – she would not embarrass me like she did last year.
Weight matters so before I rode I went over to the Praxair depot and had them inflate the tires with helium and for good measure fill the voids in the frame with it as well. I was taking out the Carbon Fiber race machine. I was looking for every ounce, I considered riding with just a jock strap on but figured my long cage with rapid rise might be too much for the general public so I dawned my best kitted out elitist arrogant roadie kit but decided I needed to wear my steel toed work boots and platform pedals just in case she thought I was too self involved.
I started my ride at a time that would get me to where she should be if she stuck to last year’s schedule. Not too fast that I would be worn out when I got there. As I turned onto the bike path where it got close to the river there she was coming out of the water. She looked like Bo Derek in the movie Ten. That hard shell of a body, I just knew there was a soft inside.
I checked my average speed using the accepted Bike Forums 50+ methods and decided I had a chance to take this b!tc#.
As I approached she looked over her shoulder and saw me coming. I could see the twinkle in her eye, she thought she was going to take me again, she was not going to lay an egg here – game on. I was too far away to get in front before she started motoring down the path. I was hoping she must be tired from her long swim but she started out strong. It was all I could do to get on her tail. Her strong thighs bulged as she got up to speed, her flat aerodynamic form cut through the wind. I struggled to stay with her as she started to pull away. After about 20 minutes of this I was spent, I pulled off on the side of the MUP and puked my guts out.
If you ever see this goddess on the MUP - no matter how attractive it is looking up her tail pipe - leave her alone.
