Shamrock, Your description really made me laugh!
I have an unfortunate bike short story. When I got my first road bike, I quickly realized the need for proper bike shorts but would not invest heavily in them as I was not certain the road bike would be the best type of bike for me. I bought a $25.00 pair of shorts from a clearance rack in Dick's sports. I later bought a pair or two more, all about the same price. They all served me well.
After I had been riding for about five years, I thought I deserved a good pair of shorts and treated myself to a $75.00 pair of PI "Attack" shorts. The first time I wore them, I kept stopping to make minor adjustments on my saddle as I was, um, having trouble. Hmmm. Didn't think much about it. I rode other days, no problem. I must have adjusted my saddle well.
The next time I took a long ride, I opted to wear them as I was sure they would make the ride more comfortable. I realized it was not my saddle, it was the shorts. I understood why they were called "Attack."
I've never worn them again. I know a number of riders love PI shorts. Mine are dry rotting in my drawer. I've since bought a nice pair of Terry shorts. Ahhhhhhhhh!