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Old 06-09-07, 05:23 PM   #1
Snuffleupagus
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Suicide Attacks, Molestation and More at the Cape Fear Road Race (100% Graph Free!)

Yes indeed, no graphs - and no exaggeration. The sordid details are below...

Today was easily the hottest race of the year, as we rolled out under a cloud of humidity infused 100 degree warmth. Our race was to be three laps of a hilly 16.8 mile loop.

My plan?

Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Followed by another attack if need be. I'm close enough to my goals for the season, with a lot of racing ahead - so I treated this as a C race. I did two hours of sprints yesterday, and went out today ready to declare Jihad on the course. If anyone wanted to come with me, more the merrier.

I sat in for most of the first lap, before launching an attack up the steepest part of the course at around 15 miles. By the time I'd crested the hill, I had a ~30 second/500 meter gap on the field, and put my head down and went into TT mode. They weren't catching up. Nobody was trying to bridge. F**k.

I kept going. A few miles later I was reeled back in. Ah well. I recovered for a few miles. I went again, and stayed away for a few minutes. The field caught up. I went again, and again, and again. Each time I gained separation, and managed to stay up the road for at least a few minutes. Each time I was shut down by the CAT-4 bridge attempt (aka - get on the front, speed up slowly and tow the peloton up).

I was burning matches like it was going out of style, and - oh - did I mention it was nearly 100* outside, and I was trying to focus my attacks on uphills? Whee! I thought for a minute I was going to get away with my wanton display of hijinkery - until at the crest of the second to last climb with 4 miles to go the heat and effort caught up with me.

I locked up. I couldn't move my legs. The cramp shot through my right quad, and with a scream I stopped pedaling. It was everything I could do not to fall over. I managed to tweak my leg just enough to unclip, but was stuck, slumped over my bike in the middle of the road. The wheel truck driver had to pick me up, and move me over to the lawn of the house by the side of the road.

Which is where the molestation comes in.

The race takes place in rural Harnett County, NC. Which, for the uninitiated, really is rural. Think Banjos. As I'm lying on the grass, twitching, an old woman comes out of the house along the course. She proceeds to begin rubbing my inner thigh, as I'd said my leg was cramping. I think perhaps the display of sweaty men in tight clothes was too much for her 80 year old libido. As my world was restricted to thoughts of pain and heat, I wasn't able to offer too much resistance to her wandering hands. Fortunately the wheel truck driver was able to offer some distraction, and save me from further fondling at the hands of Grandma.

Yes indeed kids, don't bonk in the boondocks. You might end up with more than you bargained for...

After being rescued from Grandma Wandering Paws, I rode out the last 4 miles in the wheel truck, threw my stuff in the car, and drowned my suffering in some great local microbrew.

So I DNF'ed. I often joke about "off the front, or out the back" -I rolled the dice, and had a way better time than I would have sitting in for the sprint. Last week I was off the front, this week I was off the back.

Perhaps it's time for another
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Old 06-09-07, 05:32 PM   #2
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hahahahaha, did you get grannies number?
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Old 06-09-07, 06:08 PM   #3
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Yikes! Granny should at least call you in the morning.

PS - your thread needs more graphs.
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Old 06-09-07, 06:11 PM   #4
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So that was YOU?! I heard about a catastrophic meltdown/cramp in the field but never guessed it was you.

Nice job attacking with abandon.

--Steve
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Old 06-09-07, 06:15 PM   #5
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No, no numbers or calling of Granny. I think it's best just to make a clean break

Steve, yes - I believe catastrophic would be the appropriate word. At least I think I got a kickass photo out of the first breakaway. I'll have to see what gets published on the site.
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Old 06-09-07, 06:44 PM   #6
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Better grandma than grandpa. [Let me hear ya squeal like a pig!] Yikes!

Good job trying to make something happen!

Btw, this post maybe graph free, but not graphic free.
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Old 06-09-07, 07:29 PM   #7
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Damn, Noah! Too bad it didn't work out for the finish, but that was a great story, and you'll remember this race a lot better than you would have if it hadn't been for the cramping/massaging/etc

I just posted a report of the 3 race.
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Old 06-09-07, 07:48 PM   #8
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BTW, how many FSC guys made it out for the 4 race? I had to leave quickly after the 3 race ended, so I didn't get to talk to our guys.
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Old 06-09-07, 08:03 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by truckin
BTW, how many FSC guys made it out for the 4 race? I had to leave quickly after the 3 race ended, so I didn't get to talk to our guys.
Dylan and Adrian were there, I thought Adrian had moved up to 3s? Dylan ended up 8th, and Adrian 12thish.
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Old 06-09-07, 08:20 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
Dylan and Adrian were there, I thought Adrian had moved up to 3s? Dylan ended up 8th, and Adrian 12thish.
Sent you a PM. Glad Dylan got a good finish; I think he's been stressing USCF races since he had been racing collegiate only until school ended, so he hasn't been building up points like most of the guys on the team.
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Old 06-09-07, 09:02 PM   #11
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Regardless of the cramping, damn fine riding. Victory or death!

btw, was it a GMILF?
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Old 06-09-07, 09:05 PM   #12
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KP, that's just wrong.

Noah, Dylan says: "I feel bad for Noah, he blew up something big after about 4 solo attacks off the front."
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Old 06-09-07, 10:02 PM   #13
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No guts no glory. Good job makin em hurt and having an impact on the race. Weird deal with that old lady....
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Old 06-10-07, 05:14 AM   #14
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great ride. Attack Or Die. that's the way to race...

...and there's gonna come a day where you'll be grateful for a granny groping you. Whippersnapper
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Old 06-10-07, 05:29 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
Grandma Wandering Paws

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Old 06-10-07, 06:58 AM   #16
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Way to go Airborne! Attack Attack Attack...But for a tropper to be lying on his back getting groped by an 80 yo woman...shame shame! It was you legs that were cramping not your arms. I'm assuming that they were still functional

Seriously, NICE EFFORT!
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Old 06-10-07, 08:00 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
Yes indeed, no graphs
finally!

btw - did you have 'a happy ending'?
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Old 06-10-07, 01:50 PM   #18
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Noah, the FSC 4s and I discussed your ride in detail on our Sunday ride today
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Old 06-10-07, 02:47 PM   #19
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lol noah
damn i heard that ungodly scream in the peloton and guessed it might have been you. sorry (but also very amused) to hear that it led to some bizarre adventures. sorry also that i never joined you on any of your attacks, even though it was very tempting. i was sticking to my plan of sitting in which was boring but ended up paying off
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Old 06-10-07, 04:59 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

Yes indeed kids, don't bonk in the boondocks. You might end up with more than you bargained for...
Ha Ha HA LOL can I use that as my sig line

Snuff ya should had come out to the Roan Groan. It was probably 60 degrees at the top of the mountain

So I guess from now on when I do races out in the NC boone docks I'll have to remember to bring my granny gear
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Old 06-10-07, 05:46 PM   #21
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I'm guessing that the Grandma didn't look like the Grandma in "The 40 Year Old Virgin."
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Old 06-10-07, 06:15 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by botto
finally!

btw - did you have 'a happy ending'?
Lack of graphs is due only to race wheel usage. Fear not, the power data will return...

The happy ending was out of the question at any rate at that point in time, thanks to a timely rescue by the wheel truck guy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by truckin
Noah, the FSC 4s and I discussed your ride in detail on our Sunday ride today
So what was the consensus? Crazy, stupid, or both?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ilpirata87
lol noah
damn i heard that ungodly scream in the peloton and guessed it might have been you. sorry (but also very amused) to hear that it led to some bizarre adventures. sorry also that i never joined you on any of your attacks, even though it was very tempting. i was sticking to my plan of sitting in which was boring but ended up paying off
Thats cool man, I heard you pulled it off for the win. Great job! I'll be attacking all season, plenty of time to work something

Quote:
Originally Posted by jfmckenna
Ha Ha HA LOL can I use that as my sig line

Snuff ya should had come out to the Roan Groan. It was probably 60 degrees at the top of the mountain

So I guess from now on when I do races out in the NC boone docks I'll have to remember to bring my granny gear
Feel free to use the boondocks line See, Roan Groan woulda been fun, but I can't imagine I'd have a story nearly as weird to tell after that..how'd you end up?

Quote:
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I'm guessing that the Grandma didn't look like the Grandma in "The 40 Year Old Virgin."
I'm trying to cleanse my memory of the more gory details...
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Old 06-10-07, 06:30 PM   #23
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Old 06-10-07, 06:45 PM   #24
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Ha ha that's a good one, sorry it didn't work out for you but at least you have a good story to tell.
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Old 06-11-07, 12:33 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
No, no numbers or calling of Granny. I think it's best just to make a clean break
well at least one of your breaks worked!
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