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  1. #1
    Aut Vincere Aut Mori Snuffleupagus's Avatar
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    Suicide Attacks, Molestation and More at the Cape Fear Road Race (100% Graph Free!)

    Yes indeed, no graphs - and no exaggeration. The sordid details are below...

    Today was easily the hottest race of the year, as we rolled out under a cloud of humidity infused 100 degree warmth. Our race was to be three laps of a hilly 16.8 mile loop.

    My plan?

    Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Followed by another attack if need be. I'm close enough to my goals for the season, with a lot of racing ahead - so I treated this as a C race. I did two hours of sprints yesterday, and went out today ready to declare Jihad on the course. If anyone wanted to come with me, more the merrier.

    I sat in for most of the first lap, before launching an attack up the steepest part of the course at around 15 miles. By the time I'd crested the hill, I had a ~30 second/500 meter gap on the field, and put my head down and went into TT mode. They weren't catching up. Nobody was trying to bridge. F**k.

    I kept going. A few miles later I was reeled back in. Ah well. I recovered for a few miles. I went again, and stayed away for a few minutes. The field caught up. I went again, and again, and again. Each time I gained separation, and managed to stay up the road for at least a few minutes. Each time I was shut down by the CAT-4 bridge attempt (aka - get on the front, speed up slowly and tow the peloton up).

    I was burning matches like it was going out of style, and - oh - did I mention it was nearly 100* outside, and I was trying to focus my attacks on uphills? Whee! I thought for a minute I was going to get away with my wanton display of hijinkery - until at the crest of the second to last climb with 4 miles to go the heat and effort caught up with me.

    I locked up. I couldn't move my legs. The cramp shot through my right quad, and with a scream I stopped pedaling. It was everything I could do not to fall over. I managed to tweak my leg just enough to unclip, but was stuck, slumped over my bike in the middle of the road. The wheel truck driver had to pick me up, and move me over to the lawn of the house by the side of the road.

    Which is where the molestation comes in.

    The race takes place in rural Harnett County, NC. Which, for the uninitiated, really is rural. Think Banjos. As I'm lying on the grass, twitching, an old woman comes out of the house along the course. She proceeds to begin rubbing my inner thigh, as I'd said my leg was cramping. I think perhaps the display of sweaty men in tight clothes was too much for her 80 year old libido. As my world was restricted to thoughts of pain and heat, I wasn't able to offer too much resistance to her wandering hands. Fortunately the wheel truck driver was able to offer some distraction, and save me from further fondling at the hands of Grandma.

    Yes indeed kids, don't bonk in the boondocks. You might end up with more than you bargained for...

    After being rescued from Grandma Wandering Paws, I rode out the last 4 miles in the wheel truck, threw my stuff in the car, and drowned my suffering in some great local microbrew.

    So I DNF'ed. I often joke about "off the front, or out the back" -I rolled the dice, and had a way better time than I would have sitting in for the sprint. Last week I was off the front, this week I was off the back.

    Perhaps it's time for another

  2. #2
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    hahahahaha, did you get grannies number?
    Cat 1 o-meter 33%

  3. #3
    Burning Matches. ElJamoquio's Avatar
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    Yikes! Granny should at least call you in the morning.

    PS - your thread needs more graphs.
    Reacting is mind candy; it requires no thought. Thinking is tedious.

    Bikeforums 'Group Buy': Kinlin Rims, Sapim/DT Spokes, Formula/Bitex Hubs


    "The only good race pace is suicide pace, and today looks like a good day to die."
    -Steve Prefontaine

  4. #4
    Senior Member zimbo's Avatar
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    So that was YOU?! I heard about a catastrophic meltdown/cramp in the field but never guessed it was you.

    Nice job attacking with abandon.

    --Steve

  5. #5
    Aut Vincere Aut Mori Snuffleupagus's Avatar
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    No, no numbers or calling of Granny. I think it's best just to make a clean break

    Steve, yes - I believe catastrophic would be the appropriate word. At least I think I got a kickass photo out of the first breakaway. I'll have to see what gets published on the site.

  6. #6
    Isaias NoRacer's Avatar
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    Better grandma than grandpa. [Let me hear ya squeal like a pig!] Yikes!

    Good job trying to make something happen!

    Btw, this post maybe graph free, but not graphic free.
    2009 mileage = 14,738 miles; 2010 mileage = 15,234 miles; 2011 mileage = 17,344 miles; 2012 mileage = 11,414 miles; 2013 = 12,169

  7. #7
    road rash/tree burn
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    Damn, Noah! Too bad it didn't work out for the finish, but that was a great story, and you'll remember this race a lot better than you would have if it hadn't been for the cramping/massaging/etc

    I just posted a report of the 3 race.

  8. #8
    road rash/tree burn
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    BTW, how many FSC guys made it out for the 4 race? I had to leave quickly after the 3 race ended, so I didn't get to talk to our guys.

  9. #9
    Aut Vincere Aut Mori Snuffleupagus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by truckin
    BTW, how many FSC guys made it out for the 4 race? I had to leave quickly after the 3 race ended, so I didn't get to talk to our guys.
    Dylan and Adrian were there, I thought Adrian had moved up to 3s? Dylan ended up 8th, and Adrian 12thish.

  10. #10
    road rash/tree burn
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
    Dylan and Adrian were there, I thought Adrian had moved up to 3s? Dylan ended up 8th, and Adrian 12thish.
    Sent you a PM. Glad Dylan got a good finish; I think he's been stressing USCF races since he had been racing collegiate only until school ended, so he hasn't been building up points like most of the guys on the team.

  11. #11
    Theodore Roosevelt's idol TheKillerPenguin's Avatar
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    Regardless of the cramping, damn fine riding. Victory or death!

    btw, was it a GMILF?
    Masochism is a training adaptation.

  12. #12
    road rash/tree burn
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    KP, that's just wrong.

    Noah, Dylan says: "I feel bad for Noah, he blew up something big after about 4 solo attacks off the front."

  13. #13
    Struggling at the Back Ghostman's Avatar
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    No guts no glory. Good job makin em hurt and having an impact on the race. Weird deal with that old lady....
    "Hot and overcast. I take my gear out of the car and put my bike together. Tourists and locals are watching from the sidewalk cafes. Non-racers. The emptiness of those lives shocks me."

    --Tim Krabbe, "The Rider"

  14. #14
    Royal Grand Exalted Pooba smoke's Avatar
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    great ride. Attack Or Die. that's the way to race...

    ...and there's gonna come a day where you'll be grateful for a granny groping you. Whippersnapper
    'In the end they will lay their freedom at our feet and say to us, "Make us your slaves, but feed us." '

    -Fyodor Dostoevsky's Grand Inquisitor

  15. #15
    . Namenda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
    Grandma Wandering Paws


  16. #16
    Realist Greg180's Avatar
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    Way to go Airborne! Attack Attack Attack...But for a tropper to be lying on his back getting groped by an 80 yo woman...shame shame! It was you legs that were cramping not your arms. I'm assuming that they were still functional

    Seriously, NICE EFFORT!

  17. #17
    . botto's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
    Yes indeed, no graphs
    finally!

    btw - did you have 'a happy ending'?

  18. #18
    road rash/tree burn
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    Noah, the FSC 4s and I discussed your ride in detail on our Sunday ride today

  19. #19
    talentless cat 2 hack ilpirata87's Avatar
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    lol noah
    damn i heard that ungodly scream in the peloton and guessed it might have been you. sorry (but also very amused) to hear that it led to some bizarre adventures. sorry also that i never joined you on any of your attacks, even though it was very tempting. i was sticking to my plan of sitting in which was boring but ended up paying off

  20. #20
    Tiocfáidh ár Lá jfmckenna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

    Yes indeed kids, don't bonk in the boondocks. You might end up with more than you bargained for...
    Ha Ha HA LOL can I use that as my sig line

    Snuff ya should had come out to the Roan Groan. It was probably 60 degrees at the top of the mountain

    So I guess from now on when I do races out in the NC boone docks I'll have to remember to bring my granny gear

  21. #21
    Elite Fred mollusk's Avatar
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    I'm guessing that the Grandma didn't look like the Grandma in "The 40 Year Old Virgin."
    I'm the world's forgotten boy. The one who's searchin', searchin' to destroy.

  22. #22
    Aut Vincere Aut Mori Snuffleupagus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by botto
    finally!

    btw - did you have 'a happy ending'?
    Lack of graphs is due only to race wheel usage. Fear not, the power data will return...

    The happy ending was out of the question at any rate at that point in time, thanks to a timely rescue by the wheel truck guy.

    Quote Originally Posted by truckin
    Noah, the FSC 4s and I discussed your ride in detail on our Sunday ride today
    So what was the consensus? Crazy, stupid, or both?

    Quote Originally Posted by ilpirata87
    lol noah
    damn i heard that ungodly scream in the peloton and guessed it might have been you. sorry (but also very amused) to hear that it led to some bizarre adventures. sorry also that i never joined you on any of your attacks, even though it was very tempting. i was sticking to my plan of sitting in which was boring but ended up paying off
    Thats cool man, I heard you pulled it off for the win. Great job! I'll be attacking all season, plenty of time to work something

    Quote Originally Posted by jfmckenna
    Ha Ha HA LOL can I use that as my sig line

    Snuff ya should had come out to the Roan Groan. It was probably 60 degrees at the top of the mountain

    So I guess from now on when I do races out in the NC boone docks I'll have to remember to bring my granny gear
    Feel free to use the boondocks line See, Roan Groan woulda been fun, but I can't imagine I'd have a story nearly as weird to tell after that..how'd you end up?

    Quote Originally Posted by mollusk
    I'm guessing that the Grandma didn't look like the Grandma in "The 40 Year Old Virgin."
    I'm trying to cleanse my memory of the more gory details...

  23. #23
    Race to train jrennie's Avatar
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  24. #24
    Senior Member WCroadie's Avatar
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    Ha ha that's a good one, sorry it didn't work out for you but at least you have a good story to tell.

  25. #25
    shut up and ride
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
    No, no numbers or calling of Granny. I think it's best just to make a clean break
    well at least one of your breaks worked!

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