Thanks for stopping by and please leave your pity at the door. I don't want it. I just want to vent some junk and hopefully put a lot to rest and get my mind back in the game.
How this relates to racing and training is stress. And stress on the mind, I feel, is more taxing then physical stress sometimes.
I finally purchased a car after my POS Mazda tanked. She was paid off but running on a prayer. Apparently my prayers aren't that good. Then while the car was at the repair shop while I was trying to figure everything out, it was broken into and my new JVC CD/MP3 player stolen. Insurance is covering all costs, plus some. Now the guy that was going to give me a few bills probably won't buy the car since it's damaged (door and window). So, I have to figure out what to do with it. Maybe charity.
Work is putting me under. I'm beginning to loathe this place. Really loathe it. Like a southern redneck would loathe a granola munching tree-hugger. I work with a jackass who can't get his **** straight and he's one of my bosses. And he and my other boss are always at odds. And guess who gets caught in the middle?
Then - and here's where I'm letting things out most of you will go "ahhh. That's why he's a psycho." - I was trying to come of meds and it ain't working. Lexapro. I hate the crap. I went from 10mg to 5mg to 0. Then started getting batsiht. Got back on them. I've heard of cases where people have went deep over the edge coming off this stuff. Great. How does one get back to normal? If there really is a normal.
I'm trying to keep my chin up. Trying to stay right with God (probably lost a few more of you there). And trying to keep myself under control with my family. My wife has been awesome. She knows how to keep me grounded. I love her.
This morning I got on the trainer because of the rain and had in my mind exactly what I was suppose to do. I couldn't. My heart rate shot through the roof immediately and I could only do half of what I was suppose to. Tomorrow I'll be spinning easy and hoping for anything to get my mind back in the game. I really want to smash the hell out of the field Sunday. I want to put everything I have out there and watch myself roll away with ease. Last night, I actually had a dream (and more of you will be wisked away) that I attacked and no one could hang on. Then I caught the field ahead of me and started rolling pass them. I could feel the pain and the sheer exhilaration of knowing that this was it. I was finally going to win. There was no way in hell that anyone was going to catch me. Then I woke and realized that I just had to pee real bad.
Well, whether or not I'm over this by Sunday, I'm still leaving nothing out on the road. Nothing. I'm still hoping to rip my pedals off or crack trying.
Thanks again for a moment. I actually feel a bit better.
So some of you now know why I'm a freaking head case.