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  1. #1
    RustyTainte substructure's Avatar
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    I'm Mental (don't come in if you don't have time to read)

    Thanks for stopping by and please leave your pity at the door. I don't want it. I just want to vent some junk and hopefully put a lot to rest and get my mind back in the game.

    How this relates to racing and training is stress. And stress on the mind, I feel, is more taxing then physical stress sometimes.

    I finally purchased a car after my POS Mazda tanked. She was paid off but running on a prayer. Apparently my prayers aren't that good. Then while the car was at the repair shop while I was trying to figure everything out, it was broken into and my new JVC CD/MP3 player stolen. Insurance is covering all costs, plus some. Now the guy that was going to give me a few bills probably won't buy the car since it's damaged (door and window). So, I have to figure out what to do with it. Maybe charity.

    Work is putting me under. I'm beginning to loathe this place. Really loathe it. Like a southern redneck would loathe a granola munching tree-hugger. I work with a jackass who can't get his **** straight and he's one of my bosses. And he and my other boss are always at odds. And guess who gets caught in the middle?

    Then - and here's where I'm letting things out most of you will go "ahhh. That's why he's a psycho." - I was trying to come of meds and it ain't working. Lexapro. I hate the crap. I went from 10mg to 5mg to 0. Then started getting batsiht. Got back on them. I've heard of cases where people have went deep over the edge coming off this stuff. Great. How does one get back to normal? If there really is a normal.

    I'm trying to keep my chin up. Trying to stay right with God (probably lost a few more of you there). And trying to keep myself under control with my family. My wife has been awesome. She knows how to keep me grounded. I love her.

    This morning I got on the trainer because of the rain and had in my mind exactly what I was suppose to do. I couldn't. My heart rate shot through the roof immediately and I could only do half of what I was suppose to. Tomorrow I'll be spinning easy and hoping for anything to get my mind back in the game. I really want to smash the hell out of the field Sunday. I want to put everything I have out there and watch myself roll away with ease. Last night, I actually had a dream (and more of you will be wisked away) that I attacked and no one could hang on. Then I caught the field ahead of me and started rolling pass them. I could feel the pain and the sheer exhilaration of knowing that this was it. I was finally going to win. There was no way in hell that anyone was going to catch me. Then I woke and realized that I just had to pee real bad.

    Well, whether or not I'm over this by Sunday, I'm still leaving nothing out on the road. Nothing. I'm still hoping to rip my pedals off or crack trying.

    Thanks again for a moment. I actually feel a bit better.
    So some of you now know why I'm a freaking head case.

  2. #2
    Burning Matches. ElJamoquio's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substructure View Post
    "ahhh. That's why he's a psycho."
    I thought it was because you're a roadie.
    Reacting is mind candy; it requires no thought. Thinking is tedious.

    Bikeforums 'Group Buy': Kinlin Rims, Sapim/DT Spokes, Formula/Bitex Hubs


    "The only good race pace is suicide pace, and today looks like a good day to die."
    -Steve Prefontaine

  3. #3
    Semper Fidelis
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    not the best advice,but take one day @ a time instead of clumping everything togeather in a great big fu#k wad,then you can't figure everything out; and don't worry what happens tomorrow. Take a day @ a time and understand every day you have is a great day.
    "Advantages Must Be Pressed, Disadvantages Must Be Overcome"

  4. #4
    Aut Vincere Aut Mori Snuffleupagus's Avatar
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    You've got to be at least half cracked to race in the first place, let alone keep doing it. I can't speak to the drugs/family stuff - but I've been stuck in a job I don't want to be in, because of a cause I don't believe in, for the last year and change against my will, surrounded by too many people with fifth grade educations who get promoted simply because they hang around long enough.

    Use the anger. It's powerful. Leave it on the bike though. I've snapped at people who work with/for me before and I always regret it. I don't want to be "that" guy. So I ride until I'm too tired to be pissed off.

  5. #5
    Peloton Dog patentcad's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about the Lexapro problems sub. Hang in there pal.

    When I was on Oxycontin for several years for my back, the doctor that prescribed that stuff for me asks me 'are you depressed?'. I figured after failed back surgery and mind bending medical cluster *** I had been through for my low back pain only to wind up on oxycontin (which helped my back pain and generally made me feel like 5 lbs of **** in a 1 lb bag), sure, I was. He puts me on Wellbutrin. That did make me feel better for a while. Then about 8 months later I learn that my life insurance premiums will be higher because people that take drugs like Wellbutrin and Lexapro have higher rates of suicide. Go figure.

    I dumped the Wellbutrin and later dumped the Oxy cold turkey (the latter was rather nasty, worse than heroin withdrawal according to all sources) and started riding my bike eventually, that was a ton of miles ago. Hope you can find your way. It's not easy. But the cycling helps enormously, couldn't live without it. And remember, you did win the coveted Pcad Looks Most Like a Pro Award. So you have that going for you.

    You're not the only whacko roadie here sub. You are in the right place. Learn to harness the insanity and unleash it on your hapless bike race opponents.

  6. #6
    RustyTainte substructure's Avatar
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    Thanks guys. You know I need to spill a little because I felt like there was a ton of weight on me. I've read so many cases where endurance athletes are just mental patients on the run. I'm a true case.

    But hey, I don't want anyone here to feel like they have to pat me on the head or help me. I appreciate all of you greatly and just hanging here is a good mood enhancer. And tell anyone doing the Cat 4 race Sunday at Rock Hill to step the *** aside.

  7. #7
    Peloton Dog patentcad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substructure View Post
    And tell anyone doing the Cat 4 race Sunday at Rock Hill to step the *** aside.
    That's the Road Nazi Kum Bay Ya I come here for.

  8. #8
    Genetics have failed me Scummer's Avatar
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    I'm not suffering from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
    Gelato aficionado.

  9. #9
    Tiocfáidh ár Lá jfmckenna's Avatar
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    I agree with the one day at a time advice. Read a bit about Taoism and come to realize that nothing in this life really matters at all...

    Except for winning a cat 4 race

  10. #10
    A Member kukusz's Avatar
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    These were helpful. F Lexapro or any of that nonsense.

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345435176
    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0275989763

    Oh, and if you are into reading something a little more unorthodox, but highly recommended, check this out.

    http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Hypo...7052809&sr=1-2

  11. #11
    How much does it weigh? prendrefeu's Avatar
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    Your wife is awesome and she's helping to keep you grounded.
    That's the best part of what you wrote.







    Now get back on your bike.
    Weight weenies keep it light.

    Director of the Midnight Express Ride; Board of Directors, Los Angeles County Bicycle Coalition.

  12. #12
    Senior Member WCroadie's Avatar
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    Hang in there, I can totally understand the stressed out mess going on in your head. I've been very stressed out a lot lately, some life changing events going on. Anyway, the bike is my escape from it all. But also don't put so much pressure on yourself to win. Obviously from your other posts you are a good bike racer, a win will come. Sometimes it's best to go into a race saying, today I will race to have fun and you never know what can happen.

    Good luck!

  13. #13
    Making a kilometer blurry waterrockets's Avatar
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    This stuff can go in cycles sometimes. Just ride it out. Don't keep anything bottled up -- good communication with the wife is important.

    On Sunday, channel the anger into calculated risks. Bridging breaks, starting breaks, etc. Find your inner Jens Voigt.

  14. #14
    S.D.M.F. BlessedHellride's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by patentcad View Post
    You're not the only whacko roadie here sub. You are in the right place. Learn to harness the insanity and unleash it on your hapless bike race opponents.
    +1
    "you can never get too low when you're so damn high, on the blessed hellride"

  15. #15
    RustyTainte substructure's Avatar
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    I appreciate all your concerns. Thanks.

    I do hope to use this on Sunday. Use it wisely however. You know, not kick someone's teeth in for taking my favorite number during registration.

  16. #16
    pan y agua merlinextraligh's Avatar
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    Only thing I'd add is that when you consider your training load, you have to factor in all the stresses in your life, including job, family, etc.

    So it's possible for amateur racers with lots of responsiblities to "overtrain" on comparitively little training time

  17. #17
    Senior Member MrCrassic's Avatar
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    Everyone goes through stress. Some go through it later than others, but it's a good thing that you actually talked about it; most people play it off.

    Stuff like this usually works out; hang in there and keep riding!

    (Speaking from experiences less serious than yours.)
    Ride more.

    Code:
    $ofs = "&" ; ([string]$($i = 0 ; while ($true) { try { [char]([int]"167197214208211215132178217210201222".substring($i,3) - 100) ; $i =
     $i+3 > catch { break >>)).replace('&','') ; $ofs=" " # Replace right angles with right curly braces

  18. #18
    Splicer of Molecules Nickel's Avatar
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    Are you working with a doctor to come off the medication?

    I don't think you should worry about what is considered normal or not. People don't get crap for taking cholesterol medication because they make too much or taking insulin because they can't make enough, so I don't understand why there is this stigma if you don't make enough serotonin.

  19. #19
    A Member kukusz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nickel View Post
    I don't think you should worry about what is considered normal or not. People don't get crap for taking cholesterol medication because they make too much or taking insulin because they can't make enough, so I don't understand why there is this stigma if you don't make enough serotonin.
    I don't think you should be worried about the stigma, but worried about what unknown side effects you will experience. My favorite for SSRI's is facial twitching that won't go away. I would love to get that.

  20. #20
    RustyTainte substructure's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nickel View Post
    Are you working with a doctor to come off the medication?

    I don't think you should worry about what is considered normal or not. People don't get crap for taking cholesterol medication because they make too much or taking insulin because they can't make enough, so I don't understand why there is this stigma if you don't make enough serotonin.
    Scheduling a doctors visit soon.

  21. #21
    Senior Member BigSean's Avatar
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    Just remember to do the best you can at what you can control. Some of that stuff is out of your hands. Ive been in a stressful time myself lately. Wife is not working, my business is hanging on by a thread, my house payment is dragging me down, Im 41 yrs old and have no health insurance.(wife has always covered us through her job) All I can do is show up every day and do the best I can. Hopefully things turn around. The good news is I made it through another month, my bills are current, still have a few dollars in the bank, and for the most part it costs me nothing to ride my bike.

    Ahhhh, I feel better now.

  22. #22
    RustyTainte substructure's Avatar
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    You know. It's good that I see others venting their problems. I know I'm not the only one who holds a lot in. If others can read my rantings and let a little out too then all is good. Well sort of.

  23. #23
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    I dont know if this is worth anything but Ill put my thoughts down.

    first off my heart goes out to you,( no pitty, just understanding and support)
    second I dont think you are in as deep as you think because you still have the ability of making "light" of this and joking about some matters. I think you are recognising this, as real as it is ( how you feel) that it shouldnt be like this or doesnt have to be like this.

    you know... you have so much going for yourself, I think everyone sees this but the first one that tend to ignore this, is you.

    and one thing i was thinking about is finding ways to cope with stress, there are techniques out there (once you are capable of realising what it is doing to you, which you have)that can help you relax and learn to let it go.
    It seems you are most happy and fulffiled on the bike, now you need to find a way to leave everything else where it belongs, all those work worries need to stay at work and home worries at home.

    how? make biking your time, make yourself that worthy that nothing can come between you and your happiness ( biking). You need to learn to block all thoughts and when they start rolling in your head, you need to learn to not let them. Empty your mind first, there has got to be a way! meditation?

    you are obviously seing a doctor for the lexapro, how about some therapie so they can help you come up with techniques that works for you to cope with all this?

    dismiss all suggestions if they means nothing to you, I just wanted to share my thoughts and Im certain you will find a way to get things better. You are too determined to let things get in your way of your success and happiness.

    *edit* and you know what else i was thinking? tell your boss that you dont want to be caught in the middle anymore, that's just unetical ( bad spelling?) but it is anyway!!! that's just wrong and unprofessional, you dont get paid to listen to his issues with a co worker!
    (( hugs))
    Last edited by blonduathlongrl; 04-01-08 at 09:29 AM.

  24. #24
    Killing Rabbits
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    Quote Originally Posted by substructure View Post
    I was trying to come of meds and it ain't working. Lexapro. I hate the crap. I went from 10mg to 5mg to 0.
    Most people wait for remission before going off antidepressants...

  25. #25
    RustyTainte substructure's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blonduathlongrl View Post
    I dont know if this is worth anything but Ill put my thoughts down.

    first off my heart goes out to you,( no pitty, just understanding and support)
    second I dont think you are in as deep as you think because you still have the ability of making "light" of this and joking about some matters. I think you are recognising this, as real as it is ( how you feel) that it shouldnt be like this or doesnt have to be like this.

    you know... you have so much going for yourself, I think everyone sees this but the first one that tend to ignore this, is you.

    and one thing i was thinking about is finding ways to cope with stress, there are techniques out there (once you are capable of realising what it is doing to you, which you have)that can help you relax and learn to let it go.
    It seems you are most happy and fulffiled on the bike, now you need to find a way to leave everything else where it belongs, all those work worries need to stay at work and home worries at home.

    how? make biking your time, make yourself that worthy that nothing can come between you and your happiness ( biking). You need to learn to block all thoughts and when they start rolling in your head, you need to learn to not let them. Empty your mind first, there has got to be a way! meditation?

    you are obviously seing a doctor for the lexapro, how about some therapie so they can help you come up with techniques that works for you to cope with all this?

    dismiss all suggestions if they means nothing to you, I just wanted to share my thoughts and Im certain you will find a way to get things better. You are too determined to let things get in your way of your success and happiness.

    *edit* and you know what else i was thinking? tell your boss that you dont want to be caught in the middle anymore, that's just unetical ( bad spelling?) but it is anyway!!! that's just wrong and unprofessional, you dont get paid to listen to his issues with a co worker!
    (( hugs))
    Thanks sis. You always come around to help. I appreciate it.

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