I appreciate all the feedback. I decided to take the high road and keep trying to learn to love a more traditional drop, since I'm just getting into the sport and trying to be serious about the fundamentals. I figure if I can learn to be comfortable in both positions I will branch out from there.
So I bought a Nitto Randonneur, thinking it would be drastically different from my Easton EA70 or whatever the hell they are (unlabeled stock easton bars on my Kona Jake). Man was I disappointed. They were exactly the same with a little tiny bit of flare. I looked at a bunch of pictures online, and it is surprising how some photographs make that small flare seem so large.
So I returned them and out of desperation bought the smallest pair of tiny compact drops that are on the market. They are Bontrager Fit VS and are actually marketed to women- so I'll send out a pre-emptive "**** you" to anyone that would like to give me a hard time about that.
I figure it's a good starting place, although I'm still missing my mtb. I get them in the mail today.