Originally Posted by
andrelam
I am suffering with the problem with my wife. God knows she needs to loose some serious weight. My wife it about 80 LBs over ideal weight. I always tell her that I don't care what she looks like, I just want her to be healthy and to ensure that she has a good chance of living a long and healthy life. She suffers from Asthma (not her fault), has had various knee reconstructions and therefore a week knee, and has injured her back before and finds it hard to walk long distances. She has been going to weight watchers and other programs over the years, but doesn't realy take it seriously. I've let her try all sorts of things, but am getting sick of buying books and let her attend classes. This may seem harsh, but I constantly find junk food wrappers in her car. When she makes diner, she doesn't hesitate to make a large plate of past with lots of cheese. She knows that is a horrible meal, but if I offer to make a salad on the side most of the time she'll refuse to eat it.
I have to say, I read that and I hear the sound of thin ice cracking (particularly the bit about what you "let her" do). You may say she's making bad decisions about her body, and I wouldn't disagree, but it's
her body and ultimately she's the boss of it, no matter that you're married. You'll go nowhere unless you proceed from that as a basic premise.
What can you do about it? Well...not to put too fine a point on it, but whatever you're trying, it sounds like it's not only not working, it's backfiring. You need to establish some rapport with your wife before you can try to influence her direction, and you also need to accept that you may not be the person who should be trying to influence her in this way. She may need to get the lion's share of her support (and certainly her guidance) from someone with whom she does not have a close personal relationship. I work as a ski instructor, primarily teaching kids, and I can't tell you how many times I've had an angry and frustrated parent deposit their weepy and frustrated child in my class after having tried to teach the kid to ski. I have my theory about why you generally can't teach difficult lessons to (or learn difficult lessons from) people who are close to you...there are exceptions, but OTOH, tandem canoes aren't called "divorce boats" for nothing. If your primary care physician is also her primary care physician, you might try talking to him/her about your concerns and getting some advice. Nagging doesn't change hearts and minds (except to create resentment towards the nag), but a lot of people start making healthy decisions when they get "scared straight", or when someone who's a little more objective says, "You're gonna end up with diabetes and a heart attack if you don't clean up your act."