Hey look what I found with some "research". It looks like a motorist's version of Effective Cycling for cyclists. (firmly plants tongue in cheek
) If you like it I might see if I could dig up a few more chapters.
(A long lost document regarding a motorist’s guide to cycling safely. discovered by Paul L.)
Everyone has a bike at sometime in there life right (and we’re not talking about football players here, how an underwear company came up with the name bike is beyond me, motorcycle would probably sell better with the vain athletes out there)? You’d think that millions of reformed cyclists riding in automobiles would know something about where cyclists should ride. You as a cyclist should take their lead! When a mouthy motorists mulls his thoughts aloud at you, listen! This book is intended to be a compendium of all the good advice showered upon us from the superior intellect of those who choose the more powerful, easier, and patriotic government subsidized alternative! First of all, realize that statistics that show that cycling in the road is safer than driving are just wrong. Look how many people drive in cars everyday? With all the time they spend on the road they ought to know what is supposed to be there. How could millions of consumers be wrong? You know there are “lies, damn lies, and statistics” to put it in the words of Mark Twain. So, let us begin our examination of how we can be more defective cyclists.
Chapter 1 Your defective bike.
Before one can be a defective cyclist, one must have a defective bike I would argue. Do not fall prey to that old wives tale preaching that you get what you pay for! Get the cheapest bike you can find! Make sure if you go used that it is from someone who knows his defective cycling and hasn’t bothered with all that expensive maintenance and repair! One of your best bets is a brand new, shiny, Toadmaster purchased at your local Brawlmart. Feel how heavy that puppy is! How could you break a frame like that? Have you ever seen a Huffy with a broken frame? I didn’t think so. Lots of people who think they know a lot about bikes will try and convince you the parts are what will break but don’t listen to them. They are likely not defective cyclists.
The first thing you should not do is attempt to readjust your bike when you get it home. The person who assembled it (particularly at a high brow store like brawlmart) was highly qualified and you should trust their skill implicitly. Do not, I repeat, do not waste your money supporting a local bike shop where they will take your money and tell you they are making your bike safe to ride. Would Brawlmart still be in business if they sold you a dangerous bike? I don’t think so. The first thing you should do with your new defective bike is ride it around the block and then put it into the garage until your garage sale next year or until the tires rot. If however you are one of those defective cyclists who in fact want to cycle, the next chapter is for you!
Chapter 2 Defective rules of the road
I’ll never forget the first time I went out into the road to ride my bike. I had heard from my Dad all about Effective Cycling and Vehicular Cycling and was very eager to go and try it out. That is when I got the best advice I ever heard from someone, this kind fellow in a faded Ford with a missing bumper gave it to me, he said “get out of the *&#@* road you supid $@
&^@%5$#%wipe, what the $&@%$@# everloving $#@%^@, #%^@$% #&^#% were you #^&@^%$%@ thinking?”. It was the passion he used to express this idea that drew my attention. Then I thought about it, yeah, what the “$&@%$@# everloving $#@%^@, #%^@$% #&^#% was I #^&@^%$%@ thinking?”. This led me to seek out more feedback from these gurus of the road and ultimately led to this book.
If we analyze the particulars of road cycling we need to put intelligence and reasoning aside. Never mind the fact that you and the driver of a motor vehicle are two intelligent beings. This is just faulty logic. I mean, after all, one of you is out in the open air with a narrow piece of metal between his/her legs, and the other is in a high horsepower vehicle with 8 times the currently used seating capacity capable of driving twice the legal speedlimit and with a gross vehicle weight 70 times that of you and your bike, not to mention it is made of the same steel as your highly defective bike mentioned earlier. I mean what were you thinking? Anyone that can afford a more expensive vehicle than you obviously is one: more patriotic, two: has more right to the road since their consumption adds to the economy, three: they have taken a test and therefore know all about the rules of the road, and four: might makes right and they have the might so they must be right! So, how is one to cycle defectively when one is but a very small target on the side of the road?
If we look to piglet from Winnie the Poo we can start to get a good idea. Piglet is always talking about being a very small animal and trying to stay out of peoples way. You are piglet if you are a proper defective cyclist. A defective cyclist always uses the sidewalk when there is one. Nevermind all the naysayers that say cars backing out of driveways will hit you. How can they hit you when they are only going a mere few miles per hour? In addition to that, since the motorist is always right it will be your fault wherever you are hit so lets stick to the sidewalk.
What do you say? What if there isn’t a sidewalk? Well, assuming you are not defective enough to require a sidewalk where you ride then you must keep an ear out for cars to the rear. If you hear one, promptly dive off the road as soon as possible after wetting yourself. If you do this you may still get motorists giving you good advice but at least you won’t be slowing them down or forcing them to acknowledge that you are in the road.