Yes, you read that right.
As a cyclist wouldn't it be great if you could purchase an insurance policy whose sole purpose was to make the life of the person that ran you down a living hell? Yes, I'd pay $5 or $10 a month if I had the peace of mind to know that in the event of my unfortunate death I could reach out from beyond the grave to screw with the idiot, careless, harassing, or drunk driver that killed me. I’d like to know as I was bleeding to death under the tires of a 1967 F-100 that a team of high priced lawyers would be parachuting onto the lawn of the local courthouse in less than 24 hours. Literally, I want skydiving lawyers with briefs prepared in-flight to hit the courthouse lawn.
Once they have stowed their chutes they do the following:
1. They would ensure that the local prosecutor took his or her job seriously and considered my death quite tragic. In fact he would consider my death tragic enough to prosecute the idiot that ran me over to the full extent of the law. In my state we can hire our own prosecutors if we feel the local boys need some help. And if they don’t like it we can have our lawyer take over the case. Thus a criminal conviction would be insured.
2. They would also argue against any attempt to plea bargain my case.
3. They would investigate the past driving history of the idiot driver beyond just running a driving history.
4. They would investigate any past verbal statements which the idiot driver may have made to his or her buddies about cyclists.
5. They would make lots of inquiries into the day to day life of the idiot driver. These would be designed to find every scrap of dirt that existed. The probing would be almost anal in nature.
6. They would act as the agent of my estate for this matter and crucify the driver in civil court by extracting the silver from their teeth and leaving his wife and children destitute.
7. They would offer to help his wife with her divorce case for free.
8. They would offer to help his children to become emancipated wards of the state.
9. They would attend all parole or probation hearings for the life of the driver to plead with the hearing officers that the driver remains incarcerated until his natural lifespan had expired.
10. They would aid the local bike club in spreading the word that if you kill a cyclist that you’ll be next on the list to be probed.
11. They would ensure all civil servants in any supporting role in the case would get appropriately “thanked.”
I know this might sound a tad bit vindictive, but as John Lennon said “Imagine.” Imagine a world where the drivers feared us. That’s the best we could hope for. While my diatribe above was an exaggeration, such an insurance plan whereby your interests are looked out for in both the criminal and civil justice system upon your demise is indeed possible. I’d really pay for that service, like I said. Anyone here own an insurance company?