General Cycling Discussion - Don't tell my wife?

The last month, I have taken some Mondays and Fridays off work to train for a ride I am doing in May. All but one day I didn't tell my wife I was taking the day off -- I just got up I like I normally do at 5:30 AM for work and went out for my ride. I bicycle commute so it's not noticeable. If I don't do it this way, my wife and son find all sorts of ways to keep me from my ride. That is exactly what happened the one day I actually TOLD her I had the day off.

Am I bad?

I guess it is your call. I wouldn't do it that way, I'd simply say I'm off to ride and leave it at that. I don't think the wife would think anything more of it than if she were to say she's off to shop.

I guess I don't understand why your wife would have anything to say about it. Now your boss, that might be a different matter. Or are these vacation days you're taking?

Does she ever call you at work? 'Cause if she's trying to contact you all day, (if she's anything like my wife) you will be in scalding water by the time you get home.

These are vacation days -- I get 22 days a year. And my wife does call me at work occasionally, but it's usually in the afternoon. My son is 5, by the way, and if I am in the house he thinks all of my time is his time. That's not a bad thing, but I feel less guilty if I am not having to say "No" to him. If I am at home, I feel like I should be helping my wife out with the kids and I either cut my ride short or don't ride at all.

The ride I am doing is one day, 110 miles, with a lot of climb.

Yea i got back from my ride my other day off, hot, sweaty, worn-out. My wife says, "where have you been?! I had yard work for you!" I say, "I can't tell a lie honey, I was with my mistress all day". She says, "Yea BS pal, you were out riding your bike!"

I'm no Dr. Phil but the fact that you are having to keep secrets from your wife raises a lot of questions.

BTW, I hope your wife gives you the day off to do the 100 mile ride or it might be all for naught. :eek:

My son is 5, by the way, and if I am in the house he thinks all of my time is his time.

I completely sympathize. I've got a 5-year-old and a 1-year-old, and when I am home, they want all of me, all the time. I try to take them on rides in the trailer whenever possible, but I let them know that I also need time to ride alone. I should think your wife could understand that since you're prepping for a big ride, you need the time to yourself. It's not like you take days off to ride all year long, right? Just be upfront with her. The repercussions from her disapproval are probably not as bad as they would be if she thinks she's been deceived. Anyway, good luck!

I'm not married, but I would like to think that if I were, I could tell my wife about such things. I would make it very clear the purpose of taking the day off and emphasize that its for training, not chores. If you can, when you get home from such days, help out around the house - do the dishes after dinner, maybe cook the meal, put the kids to bed, whatever it is that your wife would normally take care of in the evening. Don't let her get into the habit of thinking "Great, he's going to train all day and I'm going to have to do all the work."

Get them riding! Or would that drive you to ... driving?
I am lucky, my wife is very happy with my biking.... of course her reason is that I won't have chicken legs. My dad, he just got a bike, so he is always wanting to go ride.

I am pretty good about helping out when I'm not on the bike. My wife (and now my kids, too) likes to comment that I don't usually feel like doing much the rest of the day after a hard ride. The last year or so I have done a pretty good job debunking that statement. She's very, very proud of my riding and supports me pretty well. But she still doesn't quite get it when it comes to training. Mir thinks I should just be able to jump on the bike and ride as far/fast as I want -- with no training.

The days I have taken off w/o informing my wife have all been warmly recepted when she found out. She understood why and I definitely did not laze (is that a word?) around the rest of the day.

I can understand getting sidetracked if you are home,
however I just don't think it's wise to take the course
you are. It may be received "warmly", or appear that way
for you but if I was on the other side I'd wonder what else
is he(she) lying to me about?
I'd just lay down some ground rules that your days off to
train are for you to train.

Marty

When I schedule a day off to ride, I schedule it with my boss at work and at home :D That way when she starts to ask me about doing something else, I remind her that I have certain hours already booked that day. Then I offer to do it when I get back. It works for me!

Well, I wouldn't be happy about the situation the first time. After I heard your explanation (as a wife), I would probably do some soul searching to see if you were right, about me wanting you to complete some "honey-dews". Then, I would realize how important this event is for you to take time off work. The next time, I would hope that you trust me enough to tell me before hand and we would agree for your time alone on the bike. My husband and I both work for the same employer. We are entitled to 5-6 weeks of vacation each year. We try to spend 2-3 weeks together, whether in one-week periods or long week-ends. The remaining vacation time is ours to use as we each see fit, but we do run it be each other beforehand. I'll say, "Honey, I'm going on such-n-such bike trip, do you want to go?" Most of the time, he will say, "no". He'll tell me, "Hey Deb, I'm going down to the races, do you want to come?" I'll respond most of the time with, "No, have a great time, I'll see you when you get back." I wouldn't want him to use OUR VACATION time on a solo trip. Does she get some days away on her own?

Not unless you are slipping off to do intevals with your secretary behind her back :)

So you have 22 days vacation p/ year and how many have you used? For the below scenarios, let's say you've used 4.

Bad things that could happen:

- You get laid off, wife thinks you have X days paid vacation in the bank, but you've really got X-4. Now explain to her why you, her and your kid are not getting 4 days worth of work $.

- Something really bad happens and your wife (or kid, or other close family member) needs you to take an extended amount of time off from work, she thinks you have X days, but you really have X-4.

- She really wants to go on an extended vacation at some point this year, thinking you have 22 days to work with, but you don't. Explain that one to her.

- etc, etc, etc

Does she know that you have 22 days vacation, if not, you can tell her that you've only got 17 or something -- but remember, "it's a tangled web we weave when we practive to deceive.".

I'm interested in the dynamics of your relationship.

You're treating your wife as if she is your mother or your school teacher and you're being a sneaky little boy trying to outwit her or keep secrets. That's a recipe for trouble. She's meant to be your partner, not someone you have to answer to.

You are swindling her of days off with you. How are you going to explain to her that you can't be part of a family holiday because you've used up your days off behind her back?

If she doesn't understand your need for leisure and recreation you need to sit down and talk it out with her, not be a naughty school boy trying to avoid responsibility. But make sure it goes both ways and you give her opportunity to get away by herself for a few days so that she can do something for herself too.

I just can't believe that an adult would act this way. I also find it incomprehensible that you would then turn to a bicycle forum for marriage advice rather than sitting down and talking to the woman you vowed to love until death do you part.

I can't believe I had to find out about this here, on the internet.

We'll be talking when you get home.

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

NO, you are NOT "being bad"!! Enjoy your rides!! :D (I wish I could join you!)

She does not expect you to be around during "work" hours, anyhow!

And, if she does find out....just tell her you are doing this so that you can spend more time with HER "after hours" (even if that is just a bit of an "exaggeration" :p ). ;)

I assume you are using paid time off...aren't you??

I'm interested in the dynamics of your relationship.

You're treating your wife as if she is your mother or your school teacher and you're being a sneaky little boy trying to outwit her or keep secrets. That's a recipe for trouble. She's meant to be your partner, not someone you have to answer to.

You are swindling her of days off with you. How are you going to explain to her that you can't be part of a family holiday because you've used up your days off behind her back?

If she doesn't understand your need for leisure and recreation you need to sit down and talk it out with her, not be a naughty school boy trying to avoid responsibility. But make sure it goes both ways and you give her opportunity to get away by herself for a few days so that she can do something for herself too.

I just can't believe that an adult would act this way. I also find it incomprehensible that you would then turn to a bicycle forum for marriage advice rather than sitting down and talking to the woman you vowed to love until death do you part.


It is NONE of our business what the "dynamics" of the relationship is!!

She knows that he's 'into' cycling ...and, no doubt, of his planned ride!! If she's assuming that such a ride does not "need" extensive training to prepare for it...SHE'S being the "unfair" one!! NOT HIM!!
In fact, I would NOT be surprised if she would rather he "take the day off" for training, and be available at the hours she'd expect him to be if he were working, than if he did this training "after hours".

I assume he has a job which pays him for vacation days...and there are plenty enough days available for vacation "togetherness" left. If the accrued vacation time is necessary as an "emergency fund", then they need financial guidance, more savings in the bank... and , possibly, credit and debt management help.

( There are plenty of Forums on the 'Net that discuss topics related to credit, debt, and financial management...another topic which is, really, "not germane" on Bikeforums.net!!)

Marriage should NOT be a relationship where one always has to seek permission to do anything from the other; if the realtionship needs to be such a "prisoner and warden" setup, then there's an existing problem we are not qualified to solve on a bicycling forum....or, come to think about it, the Internet either!

I dunno i think if your married then she should be able to accept the fact that you like to cycle, and if she cant then do it anyways

It is NONE of our business what the "dynamics" of the relationship is!!

He asked for an opinion on whether it was wrong to deceive his wife. I answered his question.



She knows that he's 'into' cycling ...and, no doubt, of his planned ride!! If she's assuming that such a ride does not "need" extensive training to prepare for it...SHE'S being the "unfair" one!! NOT HIM!!

I'm sure that she understands the need for training. Yes, if she denied him the opportunity to train that wouldn't be fair, but that wasn't his question.



In fact, I would NOT be surprised if she would rather he "take the day off" for training, and be available at the hours she'd expect him to be if he were working, than if he did this training "after hours".

If she would rather that why is he taking the days off behind her back instead of telling her about his plans?



Marriage should NOT be a relationship where one always has to seek permission to do anything from the other; if the realtionship needs to be such a "prisoner and warden" setup, then there's an existing problem we are not qualified to solve on a bicycling forum....or, come to think about it, the Internet either!

Absolutely right. It shouldn't be a case of seeking permission but of working together for the best outcome for both parties, which is why I said:



But make sure it goes both ways and you give her opportunity to get away by herself for a few days so that she can do something for herself too.

I believe that he should get out and train. I believe that his wife should allow him the opportunity to do that. What I have a problem with is that he is doing something behind her back.

Tree Trunk created a poll asking people if they thought he was bad for not telling his wife. He asked the question again in the text of his post. I've answered his question that in my opinion he has done the wrong thing.

The only problem that I see is that it should be tuesday and thursday, so that you can recover for the weekend.

I always let my wife know my general route. If I'm hiking or biking, I think it's in my best interest in case something goes awry. Of course you can wait until right before you leave (cycling shoes on).

I'm interested in the dynamics of your relationship.

You're treating your wife as if she is your mother or your school teacher and you're being a sneaky little boy trying to outwit her or keep secrets. That's a recipe for trouble. She's meant to be your partner, not someone you have to answer to.

You are swindling her of days off with you. How are you going to explain to her that you can't be part of a family holiday because you've used up your days off behind her back?

If she doesn't understand your need for leisure and recreation you need to sit down and talk it out with her, not be a naughty school boy trying to avoid responsibility. But make sure it goes both ways and you give her opportunity to get away by herself for a few days so that she can do something for herself too.

I just can't believe that an adult would act this way. I also find it incomprehensible that you would then turn to a bicycle forum for marriage advice rather than sitting down and talking to the woman you vowed to love until death do you part.

Wow, pretty heavy. It's not that bad. And I'm not asking for advice, I'm interested to see if people think I am bad.

My wife and I have an excellent relationship. Really.

And I'm not asking for advice, I'm interested to see if people think I am bad.

Oh. In that case .... yes, you are bad. :)



My wife and I have an excellent relationship. Really.

Good to hear it Tree Trunk.

It is NONE of our business what the "dynamics" of the relationship is!!

Since TreeTrunk asked, we can only assume that he wants our opinion. He's not asking about what kind of chain to get, or what's wrong with his pannier. He asked a relationship question.

I don't know you from Adam, TreeTrunk, but you seem like a likeable guy. That being said, it also seems like you have relationship issues. This has come up in previous posts (remember the "allowance" thread?!--ouch). It seems, too, that you are looking for relationship advice.

This is not the place to get it. If you have serious questions or issues, a visit to a family counselor is in order. I wish you all the best.

How many days have you taken off to allow your wife to take off and do whatever she likes?

How many days have you taken off to allow your wife to take off and do whatever she likes?

Good question!

Hey, Velogirl, you're probably right. It is a relationship issue or, at least, a communication issue. Honestly, I am a little perturbed that I have to take a day off just to get a decent training ride in and annoyed that, if I let her know I am taking the day off to ride, then I have to deal with the "when are you going to be home?" question. Saturdays, the only day I truly have to get a recreational ride in (I commute by bike Mon-Fri), I get up at 4 AM just to get a ride in so I am not cutting into family time. But, you're right, I will save that for the counselor!

Stink, I have been using this forum long enough where someone remembers things I have said? While a forum isn't the place to go for relationship advice, it still is a decent place to let off a little steam!

How many days have you taken off to allow your wife to take off and do whatever she likes?

Last day I did that was April 25. :D At least one day of the weekend is her time and at least one evening during the week.

TreeTrunk I don't think you have to explain yourself to others. Maybe just in the future be honest and tell your wife that you are taking the day off to ride and if she doesn't like it then that is HER problem, not yours. Maybe sit down with her and really explain to her how important it is to you to ride and that you need this time alone and that she is not too worry about you and not to bug you when you will be home, just let her know right away that it will be a all day thing.

As far as your relationship goes, its none of our BUSINESS!!! Unles you make it ours. Yes, its ok to let off steam but maybe find someone whom you can trust and talk to them thru PM!!!

Snowy. Good luck and have fun.

I think a mountain has been made out of molehill here for the most part. The poll options seemed to be in a joking matter and I doubt there would be adulterous suspicions or anything.

However while reading through this post, I kept thinking of an article I read in a local paper on the hazards of cycling in our area. There was one guy who was training for a race and his wife was well aware of it. He usual time to return home came and went and she found herself waiting in a nervous wreck.

She didn't know his route but she still took off in her car hoping to find him. When she returned home, she found the authorities waiting for her so that they could give her the bad news that he had been hit by a car and killed.

So I'd recommend telling her about your rides and if it makes you feel any better about it, tell her to have a fresh baked pie waiting when you get home.