Jokes & Humor - Pun Humor
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06-30-05, 09:39 PM
Ok......get ready to do a lot of GROANING!
A good pun is it's own reword.
Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft,
it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it,
Inquiring gnomes want to mine!
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to
much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar
and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender: "How much for a beer?" The
bartender replies: "For you, no charge".
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to
the other: "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah,
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root
canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they
asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer.'
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He
came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other
was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading
the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest
and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.
Or how about the dermatologist who started his practice from scratch?
Math and alcohol do not mix, so don't drink and derive!
Twin brothers, one named Emal and the other Juan, grew up and moved out of the
country. A year later, their mother receives from Juan a letter and picture of
himself. His mother sighs and mentions she wishes she had a picture from Emal as
well. 'Why,' replies her husband, 'if you've seen Juan, you've seen Emal.'
A little village of Trids (like Smurfs only green) had built their water well on
the top of a hill. An evil troll took over the hill and wouldn't let the Trids
get any water. Every Trid that went up the hill was kicked down by the troll.
Frustrated, the Trids asked the local Rabbi for help. He climbed the hill and
got the water without any trouble from the troll. When he went back up the hill he
asked the troll why he had not kicked him down the hill. The troll replied:
Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids.
A bull frog went into the bank and asked the teller for a loan, but all he had
for collateral was a ceramic elephant. Unsure of what to do, the teller asked
his boss Mr. Paddywag. Mr. Padywag didn't know what to do either so he asked his
boss Mr. Pooler. Mr. Pooler heard the situation and immediately knew what to do.
He said: It's a nick-nack Paddywag, give the frog a loan.
06-30-05, 09:42 PM
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each is carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger".
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth
orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.
8. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
10. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the
men of God, the rival florist across town thought the Competition was unfair. He
asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask
the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
06-30-05, 09:45 PM
It's a badly known fact that Quasimodo (you know - the Hunchback of Notredame) has an identical twin bother. The twin had left the city many years ago, to live in the countryside, where he made a good living as a bell-ringer for a small rural church.
One day, Quasimiodo decides that he wants to go on a holiday - he hasn't left the city in years - so he gives his brother a ring and asks if he'd like to come over to look after the bells at Notredame for a week.The brother decides that this is a great idea. Nice change of scenery, and all that, so he packs a couple of bags, and heads off to Paris.
When he arrives, the first thing to get to him is the size of everything. He's used to the little church bells, and the size of Notredame cathedral and it's bells are a little awe-inspiring.
Quasimodo leads him up to the belfry. "The bell-cords rotted through years ago," he says, " so I have to ring the bells from up here."
"How do you do that?" asks his brother (not really sure he wants to know the answer).
"Well," says Quasi, "I run at the bells, and hit them with my head like this...". So he bashes the nearest bell with his forehead, and it makes a beatiful (and loud) ring.
After a few demonstrations, the brother decides to have a go. He runs up towards a bell, smacks his head against it, and it makes a lovely ring, but unfortunately, it also gives him concussion, and he staggers around the belfry for a moment before falling out, down, down, down to the pavement below.
Quasimodo is understandably upset, and as he peers over the edge, he can see a crowd of people gathering around the scene.
"Who is it?" says one.
"I'm not sure, but the face rings a bell," says another.
"Yes - he's a dead ringer for Quasimodo," says a third.
"No. I think it's his brother," says the second person, "I had a hunch he was back."
07-06-05, 07:04 AM
A terrible Christmas joke.
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which her husband quietly replied:
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
07-06-05, 06:34 PM
Get thee to a punnery
the downside to hills is the descent
07-26-05, 06:16 PM
That was decent.
There are two flies in a kitchen. Which one is a cowboy?
The one on the range.
08-13-05, 04:17 PM
Pharmacist - Someone who helps out with harvesting the crops.
Dreadlocks - The fear of not being able to open a door.
08-16-05, 11:58 AM
there's one in the road bike section right now:
"Poll for female riders"
note: I will not take credit for this, someone else wrote it and pointed it out
06-08-06, 10:41 AM
Larry the Crab died suddenly and unexpectedly and found himself in Heaven. Everything was wonderful, but Larry seemed to be less than happy. One day St. Peter approached him and asked him why he was so sad, considering he was in Heaven. Larry said he was depressed because he didn't get a chance to say goodbye to all his friends. St. Peter asked if he would be happy if he could return to earth for a few hours to say his goodbyes. Larry was ecstatic and said that everything would be perfect if he could do that.
So St. Peter made the arrangements and told Larry that he would have only a few hours and would have to be back by midnight (I think that was Heaven Daylight Time). Larry returned to earth and immeadiately went to a club owned by Sam the Clam where he knew all his friends would be. They spent a few hours drinking, talking, dancing and saying goodbye. Larry particularly liked the time he got to spend dancing one last time with Louie the Lobster. At a few minutes to midnight, Sam the Clam came to the table and warned Larry of the time. In a panic, Larry said his final goodbyes and rushed back to Heaven, making it just in the nick of time.
The next day, St. Peter found Larry still looking unhappy. He asked Larry why he was still unhappy. Larry replied, "Well, it was wonderful to see all my friends one last time and say goodbye. I enjoyed myself so much, that I lost all track of time and had to really rush so I wouldn't be late. In all the rush and the final goodbyes, things were kind of confused, and now I am unhappy because I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco."
Marlin Perkins, the wildlife guy, one day found a bear cub caught in a trap. The poor cub's foot had been so badly mangled that it had to be amputated. Perkins attempted to find a prosthetic device, but soon learned that no such devices were made for bear cubs. He was able to attach an artificial foot intended for a small boy and that seemed to work well.
The cub made good progress physically and was soon running about getting into everything. One day he escaped from the enclosure and found his way to Chan's lumber yard next door. He was enthralled with the lumber and grabbed a board and headed home. About that time Chan came out of his office and saw his lumber being purloined. But the cub was so cute and lovable, he couldn't bring himself to take it away from him and decided that he could afford to lose one lousy board.
He sent the cub on his way with a gentle "Blessing on thee, boy-foot bear with teak of Chan."
Recently, the Minnesota Orchestra was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.....
Now at this point, you must understand two things: Firstly, there's a quite long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. Secondly, there is a night club right across the street from the Minnesota's Orchestra Hall, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and drink a few brews.
After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
(you're gonna like this one)
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell-ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell-ringers job. The bishop was incredulous; "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But, suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?''
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bell-ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
06-09-06, 08:26 AM
a little bump since yesterday's site troubles caused my new additions to not bump post up.
06-29-06, 06:13 PM
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50. that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
I went to a seafood disco rave last week ... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
07-11-06, 06:04 PM
A buddist monk walks up to a hot dog vender any says make me one with everything.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel attached to his waist? bartender says what's up with the steering wheel? Pirate replys aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh it's driving me nuts.
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