Jokes & Humor - Bicycle Jokes

"I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle."
"So what are you going to do - leave him at the dog's home? Give him away? Sell him?"
"No, nothing that drastic. I think I'll just confiscate his bike."

Did you hear about the cyclist who used viagra eye drops? They made him look hard!

My granny started cycling at 97 years old. She has been doing ten miles per day - and now we don't know where the heck she is!

An Arab on a bike, carrying two sacks on the rack, was stopped by a guard while crossing the Israeli desert border. "What's in the bags?" asked the soldier on guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied. "We'll see," the disbelieving Israeli replied. The soldier emptied the bags and found they contained nothing but sand, so he sent the Arab cyclist on his way across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. Again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, and not once did the Israeli find contraband.
Weeks later, on furlough in Jerusalem, the Israeli spotted the same Arab on the street. "All right," he said to the guy. "I'm off duty and I won't turn you in if you tell me the truth. We know you've been smuggling something across the border. What was it?"
"What else?" the Arab replied. "Bicycles!"

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Actually it's not a nerd it's an Engineer. Nerd would have fainted. Get it right damnit. :p

"So what are you going to do - leave him at the dog's home?



Sorry, I had to read this one twice. So, the dog has a house mortgage too? :p

Sorry, I had to read this one twice. So, the dog has a house mortgage too? :p

I don't know, but it's a British joke and dog's home might be the American equivalent of dog pound. But someone who is British, or familiar with Britain, would have to clarify that.

awww leave the engineers alone, we're not all weenies!

I don't know, but it's a British joke and dog's home might be the American equivalent of dog pound. But someone who is British, or familiar with Britain, would have to clarify that.

I think it's universally understood ;) Just a little difference in wording.

Joke:

I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. The woman was driving very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at me: "PIG! PIG!!" I flipped her the finger and shouted back "*****! COW!!" Then I collided with the pig!

yes but that would be a dog home, where as in fact it says the dog's home as in a ohme belonging to the dog, so there for he must mean the home where the dog stays which could just as easily really mean his owners home.

I think it's universally understood ;) Just a little difference in wording.

Joke:

I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. The woman was driving very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at me: "PIG! PIG!!" I flipped her the finger and shouted back "*****! COW!!" Then I collided with the pig!

That, is funny.

Actually it's not a nerd it's an Engineer. Nerd would have fainted. Get it right damnit. :p

Yeah but the engineer would had screwed it up :D

In a small town there were only two churches, one at each end of town; nearly everyone in town attended on or the other every Sunday. The respective pastors got by without cars and either walked or bicycled when getting around town.
One Saturday they happened to meet, one on his bike, the other on foot. "Brother, where is your bicycle?" asked the first one.

"Well," replied the second, "I'm not sure; either it's been stolen, or I rode it somewhere and then forgot and walked back home."

"Here's what we can do," said the first. "In our sermons tomorrow we will preach on the Ten Commandments, and we will emphasize 'thou shalt not steal.' That way, if someone has taken it or has found it, he will perhaps be moved to return it."

They agreed to do that and went their way. Two days later they met again; the second preacher was on his bike again. "Say, brother," said the first, "I see that one of our sermons did the trick."

"Well, yes," the second responded, "It was mine, but not in the way we intended. When I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left it."

There’s an English man, Irish man, and a down syndrome guy in the desert.
All of them have been walking for days and are becoming very tired and thirsty.
They find a lamp, the English man picks it up and rubs it, a genie appears!

The Genie says to each of them, “I will send you back to your homes, you will get there down a huge slide, as you travel down the slide you will shout loudly what ever liquid you desire, you will then end up in a vast amount of that liquid for your consumption.

The English man is amazed but has something in mind already, he starts to slide down and shouts “Beeeer, hahaha!!!” He splashes down in his back garden in a pool of finest brew.
The Irish slides down, as he nears the bottom he shouts "Guiness!!” He lands in the same way as the English man in the strong ale.
It is the turn of the down syndrome guy, he gets to the top of the slide and starts his decent, “Weeeeeee!”

awww leave the engineers alone, we're not all weenies!
Not weenies, but all "real engineers" are geeks!

Well, this isn't a joke as such, but the joke about the dog who chased people on a bicycle made me think of this video (http://www.muchosucko.com/video-crazydalmationridingabicycle.html) which I expect folks around here will appreciate! (work safe, funny, and very cute)

I don't know, but it's a British joke and dog's home might be the American equivalent of dog pound. But someone who is British, or familiar with Britain, would have to clarify that.

Which reminds me of the time I was at my sister's house and her two small sons were watching a Brit-com. The six year old commented that the show wasn't very funny, to which his 9 year old brother responded rather dryly, "It isn't supposed to be funny. It's English."

Well, this isn't a joke as such, but the joke about the dog who chased people on a bicycle made me think of this video (http://www.muchosucko.com/video-crazydalmationridingabicycle.html) which I expect folks around here will appreciate! (work safe, funny, and very cute)

That's just so wrong!

Well, this isn't a joke as such, but the joke about the dog who chased people on a bicycle made me think of this video (http://www.muchosucko.com/video-crazydalmationridingabicycle.html) which I expect folks around here will appreciate! (work safe, funny, and very cute)


:D I bike with my dogs, but this is one I hadn't thought of!!! Too Funny!!! :D

This one actually occurred.

I was riding my bicycle down a mountainous country road when some teenagers driving a car in the opposite direction passed me. "Baaah!, Baaah!", they shouted. Strange, I thought, and kept riding.

After some time, the same teenagers turned around and came back. "Baaah!, Baaah!" they shouted again.
Odd, I thought. People had shouted insults and profanities at me before, but nothing like this. However, I continued to proceed down the mountainous road.

It got weird. Again they passed me in the same manner. Those people must be crazy, I decided, and kept riding.

After about 5 minutes, I suddenly heard "Baaah!, Baah!" , yet again. Feeling annoyed, I looked behind me thinking, Don't those people know when to quit?

It was only then that I saw that a herd of sheep were running after me at a furious pace.

Sheep following @ 25MPH? Somehow, something doesn't compute.

how do you ride a bike?
let someone drive and go stand ontop of him

here is a corection to ride a bike
you actualy drive the bike not ride it. hahaha

After a bad day on a tandem. The husband and wife team had shared some harsh words with each other and then was riding in silence. A few more miles down the road they rode past a farm with pigs in a field. The Husband ask his wife if they was "relatives of yours"? The wife replies with "YES, In-laws".

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great ! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband calling to tell me about the wonderful time he's having on his bike ride with you."

yes but that would be a dog home, where as in fact it says the dog's home as in a ohme belonging to the dog, so there for he must mean the home where the dog stays which could just as easily really mean his owners home.

Dog pound or Dog home?

But at least we know he is in the dog house :-)

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband calling to tell me about the wonderful time he's having on his bike ride with you."
:roflmao: :lol: :roflmao:

In a small town there were only two churches, one at each end of town; nearly everyone in town attended on or the other every Sunday. The respective pastors got by without cars and either walked or bicycled when getting around town.
One Saturday they happened to meet, one on his bike, the other on foot. "Brother, where is your bicycle?" asked the first one.

"Well," replied the second, "I'm not sure; either it's been stolen, or I rode it somewhere and then forgot and walked back home."

"Here's what we can do," said the first. "In our sermons tomorrow we will preach on the Ten Commandments, and we will emphasize 'thou shalt not steal.' That way, if someone has taken it or has found it, he will perhaps be moved to return it."

They agreed to do that and went their way. Two days later they met again; the second preacher was on his bike again. "Say, brother," said the first, "I see that one of our sermons did the trick."

"Well, yes," the second responded, "It was mine, but not in the way we intended. When I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left it."

I thought this was a bike joke thread?