Foo - How well does your dating and cycling mix?

My girlfriend and I have been riding together for about a year and we've been in a committed relationship for about 6 months. We seem to really enjoy each other's company on rides when it's just she and I or us and a few of our close friends. However, when we do club rides together things get a little weird and I'm trying to get a better idea of what's going on.

Any time there is a new female rider in the group my girlfriend will make it a point to get all touchy and kissy with me right in front of her. It’s very apparent that she is doing this to let the other female know that I’m off limits. On the other hand when the group is mostly guys she often acts very distant and independent. There have been a few occasions when she has acted like she doesn't even want me riding beside her. When I’m trying to chat with her she’ll pull up beside someone else or drop back and cause me to have to make big changes in speed in order to ride beside her.

Recently when I was recovering from an injury and not riding my usual speed she kept dropping me. Keep in mind this is a social club ride not a race. When she was under the weather a few months back I made it a point to slow down and ride with her. Apparently she doesn’t remember that.

When I’ve confronted her about her actions she acts like she doesn’t know what I’m talking about and gives me a million excuses for why she dropped me or why she isn’t riding with me. Recently when I’ve gotten fed up with it all and rode ahead at a faster pace she was sure to let me know how rude I was and that I was making it apparent that I must not want to ride with her!

How do dating couples usually act during club rides? I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while due to being married for the last 20 + years (divorced now).

20 Years. Hmmm. That is extremely odd, Before reading the last ride I had assumed that you both were extremely young as this is a problem that is usually apparent in younger relationships. Most relationships and adults that have matured usually have worked around such petty and childish issues such as this.

It is more difficult to properly diagnose a situation like this, because one is unsure if this is what is really happening or whether one's biased,jealousness is slightly altering the version of what's happening. However, From my experience, problems like this really portend to a greater possibility of cheating, or already cheating.

It could also be a case of or a combo of a bit of jealousy or feeeling like one has to prove that one doesn't need somebody else to be as good, that is manifesting itself in a weird manner. People can sometimes be weird, when they are out numbered. This behavior usually shows up most frequently however in situations where one is outnumbered and feels like they need to work harder to show that they don't need xyz person or that they are as good as.

I would be worried about the fact that you've recognized it and tried to discuss it and she refuses to acknowledge it. That really can make it difficult to resolve the problem.

She has some issues that are her problem and not yours. I would put a stop to that and not do any group rides with her tell she straighten up her act. Let her know that this behavior is not accepted and try to see what is bothering her. Yes, I'm harsh, but no adult should be acting like this.

beware of someone who takes a legitimate concern and turns it all around so you feel angry\resentful for even bringing it up. it's a sneaky technique to gain the upper hand.

Most relationships and adults that have matured usually have worked around such petty and childish issues such as this.


Although she is in her mid 40's I'm seeing some issues that indicate she isn't as mature as most people her age. The one big sign is the fact that she has never been married and has lived with her mother for the last 20 years.




From my experience, problems like this really portend to a greater possibility of cheating, or already cheating.


She seems to be overly adamant about not missing any group club rides. I just discussed the possibility of she and I doing a self contained bike tour in southern Utah and she let me know that she didn't want to miss the weekend club ride that was planned for the same week. Something is starting to sound fishy if you preferr a club ride over cycling through Bryce Canyon and Zion NP! And the touring part is not the issue. She can ride a loaded bike up a mountain better than some guys I know.

It's crossed my mind that she could be just using me until a better catch/cyclist comes along. The last two guys she was with were both cyclists. Although she claims she didn't date them she spent a lot of time with them.



This behavior usually shows up most frequently however in situations where one is outnumbered and feels like they need to work harder to show that they don't need xyz person or that they are as good as.

Although she isn't a racer she is very competitive. It's possible she may just be trying to impress others that she is a strong rider.



I would be worried about the fact that you've recognized it and tried to discuss it and she refuses to acknowledge it. That really can make it difficult to resolve the problem.

Yes that's the big worry. No matter what the issue is if you can't have open and honest communication you can't come to a resolution.

OMG, she still lives with her MOTHER??? Time to move on buddy. Sorry but that would be scary for me.

Although she is in her mid 40's I'm seeing some issues that indicate she isn't as mature as most people her age. The one big sign is the fact that she has never been married and has lived with her mother for the last 20 years.

I was going to weigh in and offer up what I've been through, but then I read this. Dude. Get out. NOW.



Okay, I'll weigh in anyway:
My recent ex was also like this, though it had nothing to do with cycling. It's a funky inexplicable combination of pride and independence and jealousy and need. When she's threatened, she needs to assert her possession. When she's not, she's prideful and independent. It's maddening, but I wouldn't say she's prone to cheating based on it, simply because my ex never did.


But dude. Unless Mom is an invalid or some other way requires constant attention/care, I'm veeery fearful. Proceed with extreme caution, should you proceed at all.

Ok, first problem: asking for dating help on the internet. Not bashing you, just sayin' it might not be the best place to go. Having said that, I'll now offer my opinion. :) Sounds like she's not sure about where things stand with you. On the one hand, claiming territory when the other lady is around, on the other hand, wanting to be very independant when its a 'guy' group.

In summary, snowy nailed it.

I don't go on group rides with my husband. It just doesn't work for us...but if he wants me to skip a ride to just ride together I would (well, except the thursday race training ride).

Living with a parent past 21 is just wrong for either gender...I moved out a month after my 18th birthday and haven't been home for more than 2 weeks since. Serious disability of the parent is the only acceptable exception!

She has some issues that are her problem and not yours. I would put a stop to that and not do any group rides with her tell she straighten up her act. Let her know that this behavior is not accepted and try to see what is bothering her. Yes, I'm harsh, but no adult should be acting like this.
That about sums it up. Seems like petty behavior for a high-school teenager. But she apparently haven't grown up emotionally. There is an apparent lack of respect and consideration for you and your feelings here. Time to jump ship, there's much bigger trouble brewing on the horizon if you keep this up.

Lol lives with her mom.

Agreed, anyone that has lived at home that long has some major issues.

My theory about women:
When they hit the age of 30 (or thereabouts), they find themselves and figure out who they'll be for the long haul. For some, it's a major adjustment. Not so big for others.

(Imagine going on vacation with a carload of stuff packed hastily. After 30 miles, you stop at a rest area and adjust your load. Then you're set for the duration.)

If she was living at home through this crucial time, she may never have gotten her legs under her. OR something else might have arrested her development.

But in fairness to her, if it's not too late, I'm just a guy at a keyboard in a far away place.

Remember, you're not married. You've been together for six months, she is showing what she's really like. Was she always like this?
It's amazing to me how we can ignore all those irritating little things for a while, but then just one more thing seems to "break the camel's back".
My advice, the next time you're on a group ride, head the other way and don't come back.

Living with a parent past 21 is just wrong for either gender...

Really? I'm 23 and living with my mom while I go to school. I must be a real piece of **** :(

Plenty of smart folks don't ever get married.

Really? I'm 23 and living with my mom while I go to school. I must be a real piece of **** :(


My bro lived with my parents till he was 23/24 - And he's a **** head and a moocher - but that has nothing to do with living with his parent, that's just him :p

Plenty of smart folks don't ever get married.

Watching other people complain about their marriages or watching marriages fall apart, I sometimes wonder if its the smarter people who don't get married :D

That about sums it up. Seems like petty behavior for a high-school teenager. But she apparently haven't grown up emotionally. There is an apparent lack of respect and consideration for you and your feelings here. Time to jump ship, there's much bigger trouble brewing on the horizon if you keep this up.

You are probably right. On one hand I'm thinking if I'm going to put up with someone who acts about 21 I should at least get the benefit of the 21 year old body to go along with it. On the other hand I really need to date someone who is more mature. Of course there is that problem with the fact that I've gotten myself emotionally attached already so I need to deal with that issue first.

What movie was this quote from:

"I don't get involved in anything I can't walk away from in a minute..."

Keep your bags packed... ;) Stay on target, keep the upper hand! The most powerful move you can do in the dating scene is saying "NO" and walking away from a woman... :)

On a more serious note, there are three areas in our lives that we develop as we grow up: the physical, the mental and the emotional. Each area needs to be developed on its own through stages of dependence, independence and interdependence.

When we're babies, we're physically dependent on our parents for protection, shelter and food. At some point, we become physically independent; we can move our bodies around on our own, we can dress ourselves, we can feed ourselves. Then comes physical interdependence, we can help others do things in the physical world, carry in groceries, clean up the house, etc. A soccer team is a good example of physical interdependence, as a group, they can do things no individual can. The sum is 1+1=5

The second area of development is mental. At first, we can't even speak and think for ourselves; we're mentally dependent on our parents. At some point, we become mentally independent, we can think for ourselves. We learn a craft, career and can earn our own way without depending upon the parents for support. Ultimate evolution in this area is working in a company with others. Each mentally independent unit can contribute ideas and knowledge to the whole and the company can do things no single person can. Again, 1+1+1=10.

The third area of develpment is emotional. We need parents at first to ensure that we feel save and OK. They give us emotional stroking and re-inforcement. At some point, people need to be emotionally independent, they do not rely on anyone else to prop them up. They are secure and comfortable with themselves. ONLY once they get to this stage, can they enter an emotionally interdependent relationship with others. The trick here is that each partner is whole and complete. They don't "need" each other for anything, the combination is a bonus. Only then can 1+1=20.

In many cases, an emotionally dependent person feels incomplete, not whole and they think that somehow being in a relationship will somehow "complete" them and make them "whole". HAH!!! That ends up being a case of a 0.75 person needing someone else. So you have 0.75 taking <-- 0.25 from a whole person 1.0. This ends up being a case of 0.75 + 1.00= 1.75. The combination is a less as a whole than 1+1; one person is sucking from the other and not providing anything to the other. Even worse is getting two dependent people together sucking from each other 0.75 <-- 0.25 --> 0.75 playing a tug-of-war game of "you first, no you first". You end up with two people depending upon the other for reinforcement and security; a co-dependent relationship. 0.75+0.75=1.50 or less than two complete persons. Only when one has really reached emotional independence, can one enter into interdependence.

So... she definitely sounds emotionally dependent. If she's not OK enough with herself that she needs continual reinforcement from the outside from you and the other guys, you're always gonna be stuck. Time to turn the tables, ask her, "What have you done for me lately?"... heh, heh... are your bags packed???

This woman sounds like nothing but grief... still lives with her MOTHER? Unless there is some real economic issue or it's a temporary thing, that is a major red flat. I agree- get the hell away from her!

Sounds like you all should just ride in different clubs. She's probably a great person, just not a great riding partner, that's all.

Koffee

This woman sounds like nothing but grief... still lives with her MOTHER? Unless there is some real economic issue or it's a temporary thing, that is a major red flat. I agree- get the hell away from her!
Different cultures have differing views on living with ones parents. In many cultures it is normal or even expected for ones children to live with their parents. My mother-in-law lives with us, in the family home, and we are normal, decent members of society. We live our seperate lives; we just happen to live under the same roof.

Does her mother support her finacially, or does she support her mother? Are they recent immigrants? I think many people are getting the vision of someone living in mom's basement with David Cassidy posters still hanging on the wall. Is this the case?

Really? I'm 23 and living with my mom while I go to school. I must be a real piece of **** :(

So did I. Ignore the critics. In your early years saving your money as much as possible is super important.

The "touchy kissy" stuff around the ladies is understandable...but the stand-off-ish-ness around the guys is trouble.. I would suggest the ole bike pump in her spokes to remedy the situation...-(then move out of state)

The "touchy kissy" stuff around the ladies is understandable...but the stand-off-ish-ness around the guys is trouble.. I would suggest the ole bike pump in her spokes to remedy the situation...-(then move out of state)

Ofcourse the above course of action is really quite vindictive and can not honestly be recommended...-maybe try flirting with the guys in your group while at the same time ignoring her, to make her..uh, jealous...-you know, be creative

Living with a parent in and of itself should not be taken as a warning sign. However, when a person is living with a parent, it gives you the opportunity to see how they interact with someone they live with. It is common assumption that an adult living with a parent will act like a child, but it is also possible for (a) an adult living with a parent to act like an adult, (b) an adult living on their own to act like a child.

I would be interested to hear more from people have made this work.

Personally, I don't date people I ride with, but have been surprised how often this topic comes up. Still relatively new to biking, but anytime I've been in a spinning class or a cycling club, curiosity about my dating status comes up. I really just go for the exercise, not to find a dating partner. On the other hand, I think I would also be uncomfortable riding with someone I was dating. I tend to be competitive and not sure that would be healthy for the relationship.

What have been your experiences where it's worked?
Sandy

When I was on the UCSB cycling-team, I dated every just about single girl on the team. Settled down with one of the top racers, moved into a 2-bd/2-bt white-picket-fence house with her, lived together for 4-years, got engaged, got puppy dog, etc. I think it worked out. I don't think "success" in a relationship has anything to do with the circumstances where you met. It has more to do with shared values, common interests, mutual respect, communications and commitment to common goals from that point on. If anything, meeting people doing the activities you enjoy probaby increases compatibility since you've got some similar interests. Probably better chance of that encounter working out than meeting someone in a more random environment say... a bar!

I still, I repeat, I still do not see cycling as being a social activity!!!

97% of the people that I cycle past I pass, I find about 3% of the people to be faster then me or as fast. Well actaully I've only found about one person that didn't just blow past me, though we both tore up that road pretty fast :p

Maybe I just have bad luck, or do something different, but when I cycle I just go out and cycle. Last experience with a group, which was also my 2nd full group ride, resulted in asking which way we were going, because this part of the route was new. 2 people said turn right. I turned right and after about 15-30 seconds, looked back and saw that the group that had said go right had done a u-turn. Needless to say, I said to hell with it, if they want to be so immature as to do that then let it be, and continued on. I thought it was kind of funny because one of the 2 people that said turn right actaully works at the LBS that the ride was for. Usually the owner heads the ride up, from what I inferred.

I dunno know, but from what I've experienced cycling is a very non-social experience.