Comprehending Engineers-Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answered one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please."

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the three lawyers crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another restroom nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

Blind Golfers


A lawyer, a doctor, a priest and an engineer get together as a foursome for
golf. They are waiting on the first tee for the group in front of them to
finish the whole, but after five minutes begin the get impatient. The group in
front of them seems to be making no progress, so the lawyer gets the marshall
and asks him what is going on.

"Those are four fireman who lost their sight saving the clubhouse last year. We
feel sorry for them, so let them play for free." says the marshall.

"Gee, that's terrible." says the lawyer, "I'm going to check out the case, maybe
they are entitles to more benifits."

"Right," agrees the doctor, "I'm going to talk to an opthalmalogist friend of
mine, maybe there is something more that can be done for them."

"I will take up a collection and begin a prayer chain for them and their
families." adds the priest.

The engineer is quiet for a second, then says "Why can't they play at night?"

You may be an engineer ...
• If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" or husband as "myman@tv.hubby"
• If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
• If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas.
• If Dilbert is your hero.
• If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
• If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
• If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
• If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
• If you use a CAD package to design your child's Pine Wood Derby car.
• If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
• If you window-shop at Radio Shack.
• If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
• If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
• If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage-door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
• If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
• If you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor-driven.
• If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
• If you have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside.
• If a team of you and your co-workers has set out to modify the antenna of the radio in your work area for better reception.
• If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
• If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• If you have never backed up your hard drive.
• If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
• If you see a good design and still have to change it.
• If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
• If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
• If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers but you don't remember where they are.
• If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
• If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
• If you have more toys than your kids.
• If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
• If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
• If your IQ is bigger than your weight.
• If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them.
• If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
• If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
• If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
• If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
• If you know how to take the cover off of your computer and what size screw driver to use.
• If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
• If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
• If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
• If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
• If you spend more on your home or laptop computer than your car.
• If you know what http:// stands for.
• If you know C.
• If you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
• If your three-year-old child asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
• If your four basic food groups are: l. caffeine; 2. fat; 3. sugar; 4.chocolate.
• If you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
• If you have automated everything in your house, but none of it meets the National Electrical Code.
• If you have ever tried to network your home PC, microwave oven and garage-door opener.
• If your spouse keeps tripping over the wire you strung -- temporarily -- three years ago.
• If, at a traffic intersection, you try to figure out the synchronization pattern between your car's blinkers or wipers and the others'.
• If you can name all the cards in your PC without looking.
• If you can cite the latest Intel or Motorola microprocessor generation number such as 80686 or 68060, but can't remember your spouse's birthday.
• If you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
• If you have at least one historical computer in your closet.
• If you take along a printout of the schedule of your family vacation.
• If you always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin.
• If your computer is down, you don't know what date is it today and miss all meetings too.
• If you read through this list completely ... and try to convince yourself not to agree with at least one of them.
• If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

Young Engineer

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."



Two true stories of Charles P. Steinmetz (1865-1923)

Charles Proteus Steinmetz, an electrical engineer whose genius lived up to his middle name, worked at General Electric for many years. One morning he arrived at his office to find there had been a change in policy overnight. On his desk, someone had posted a tidy cardboard sign saying, "No Smoking." Steinmetz took out his pen, relettered the sign so that it now read, "No Smoking --- No Steinmetz," and departed. The policy was changed.

One day a whole roomful of General Electric's most expensive machinery went out of order. By this time Steinmetz had retired, but the company's baffled engineers called him back as a consultant. Steinmetz ambled from machine to machine, taking a measurement here, scribbling something in his noteboook there. After about an hour, he took out a large piece of chalk and marked a large 'X' on the casing of one machine. Workers pried off the casing and found the problem at once. But when the company executives got Steinmetz's bill for $10,000, they were reluctant to pay it. "This seems a bit excessive for one chalk mark," Steinmetz was told. "Perhaps you'd better itemize your charges." Within a few days, they received the following itemized bill:
Making one chalk mark $1.00
Knowing where to make one chalk mark $9,999.00


Live form

There was a physicist and an engineer working on a top secret time travel project. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there before them was a very beautiful female life form.

She said to the men "I have been without companionship for many years, if you can reach me, you can do with me as you wish" " However, because of the time field, every time you move towards me you will go only half that distance"

The engineer then looked at the physicist and noticed he was very sad. "Whats the matter with you, this is the opportunity of a lifetime !!"

The physicist replied "Don't you see, if I go only half the distance each time, I will never actually get there ! It's a hopeless situation" The physicist then asked the engineer "Why are you smiling ?"

The engineer grinned and said "Thats true, ... but I'll be close enough to get the job done !"

Quote

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." -- Rich Cook



YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEERING MAJOR...

* if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
* if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
* if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
* if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
* if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
* if you think in "math."
* if you have a pet named after a scientist.
* if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
* if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
* if you can translate English into Binary.
* if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
* If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
* if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
* if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
* if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
* if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
* if you understood more than five of these indicators.
* if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.



Wife or Mistress

Three NASA engineers, one from headquarters in Washington, one from the Johnson center in Houston, and one from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The HQ guy said it was better to have a mistress, because they are more understanding of the long absences required of a NASA employee.

The Johnson guy retorted, "Oh, no, one must always follow proper rules and procedures, and marriage is the proper procedure, so it is better to have a wife."

The JPL engineer replied, "No, it is better to have both. That way, you can tell your wife that you're with your mistress, your mistress that you're with your wife, and go to the lab and work."


Building Fence

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.


Oldest Profession

A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

What you will learn in Engineering

* You can study hard and still fail
* You can not study and pass
* Multiple choice does not mean easy
* There are no trains here
* Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts
* You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final and still do better than an arts student in any arts class
* Pi to six decimal places
* Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks
* Everyone is someone else's wierdo
* Front Row people are wierd
* Those who can, do, those who can't, teach
* A 95.75% can be an A
* An 80.1% can be an A+
* You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery
* You NEED an HP

The Stranded Engineer

An engineer was enjoying his very first vacation ever, relaxing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But a hurricane came up, and the ship went down--almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea hoping for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No. From around the corner of the island came a rowboat.

But in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention and rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? Wow, you were really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you!"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it in my kiln it would melt into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she said. "Where do you live?" The man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island.

The woman rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "Oh, it won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while exchanging stories, the woman asked, "Have you always had a beard?" "No, I was clean shaven all of my life, even on the cruise ship" he replied. "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs. "You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.

The man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no, er, companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men need, and women, too. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman and fixed a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me ... Do you have an Internet connection?"

Programmer & Engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer

1. Complimentary Tutoring
2. Large Earning Potential
3. Can handle stress and strain in relationships
4. Know all the dynamics of relative motion
5. Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
6. FREE body diagrams
7. Always back up their hard drives
8. Trained to do it right the first time
9. Specialized in experimentation
10. Can go all night with no hint of fatigue


Engineer's New Bike

An engineering student was riding across campus on a shiny new bike. He ran into a friend of his who said "Wow, that's a great bike! Where'd ya get it?"

"Well, the darndest thing happened" said the first student."A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted!"

"Wow," remarked his friend. "That's great! Good move, her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Public execution

Scene: public executions by guillotine

Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine...

First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He's pardonned.

Second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be stopped!" He's pardonned.

Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here..."


Car Accident 1

It seems 3 guys were travelling in a car together, an industrial quality control expert, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer. As they were going down a VERY steep hill, they realized the brakes were out and they faced certain death.

The QC expert said,"no problem, we'll put together a work group, study the problem, make a fishbone diagram and come up with suggestions about how to solve this problem."

The hardware engr said, "That'll take too much time, we'll DIE!! I think I can dismantle the ignition system, find out the problem and cross wire the brake system so we can stop the car."

The software engr just said, "What's the big deal? Instead of getting upset, why don't we just push the car back up the hill and see if if happens again?"


Car Accident 2

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."


Monitor Engineer Joke

Q: What's the difference between a Monitor Engineer and a toilet?
The toilet only has to deal with one ass hole at a time....


How they knew it was a deer?

The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer.

The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem.

The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.


Architect-artist-engineer

The architect, the artist and the engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or the mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said "I like both".

"Both?"

The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman. Then you can get into the lab and do something really important."


Engineer - Physicist - Lawyer

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?


Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Of course, ...but you started it."


TM of CIA -- True Meanings of Computer Industry Acronyms

AOL: Almost On-Line
Apple: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
Basic: Bill's (Gates) Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
DOS: Defunct Operating System
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
Macintosh: Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
SCSI: System Can't See It
WWW: World Wide Wait

Top 23 Engineers' Terminologies


1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.

21. IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
I don't feel like doing it.

22. IT DEPENDS...
Abandon all hope of a useful answer.

23. THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW-GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS
I don't know.

Electrical Engineering vs. Computer Science

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.

Well, King Termite.

You repeated a couple of those jokes twice.

So...

You are either getting senile, or

You are an engineer and didn't proof read your work!

Rich M., P.E.
BSME, SDSU
MSE, Cal Poly Pomona
:D

Well, King Termite.

You repeated a couple of those jokes twice.

So...

You are either getting senile, or

You are an engineer and didn't proof read your work!

Rich M., P.E.
BSME, SDSU
MSE, Cal Poly Pomona
:D

They were copy and pasted from files saved over the years. I was not about to read the many small jokes over again to make sure I didn't repeat. If you were smart enough to be a real engineer, you would have realized it was the same and not read past the first line, so no harm done. ;)

Besides, since when does a real engineer proof read their work anyway?
BSCpE
MSCpE

Besides, since when does a real engineer proof read their work anyway?
BSCpE
MSCpE

Well, of course. There's no need. We're always correct the first time. :D

Well, of course. There's no need. We're always correct the first time. :D
Precisely! ;)

Well, of course. There's no need. We're always correct the first time. :D


Engineer's don't make mistakes, They jusy learn what doesn't work (the hard way) ;-)

No BME jokes. That means either we're perfect, or not considered engineers :).

You may be an engineer ...
• If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas.
• If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
• If you know C.
• If you can cite the latest Intel or Motorola microprocessor generation number such as 80686 or 68060, but can't remember your spouse's birthday.


• If you can pick out the antiquated technology references in this list.

An engineer took the week off, and after a day or so at home he got bored. It occurred to him that the many appliances and parts of the house were held together by screws, and that he'd never checked to see if they were tightened to a sufficient torque value.

Starting in the basement, he tightened the furnace, circuit breaker connections and hot water supply screws. Working up, he tightened up the washer, dryer, coffee maker, oven, fridge, air conditioner, went over his car thoroughly, his three bicycles, cabinets and entertainment center. Then he had dinner and went to bed.

The next day the engineer awoke, eager to tighten more screws. Alas, he had tightened every screw the day before. What could he do now?
Over coffee, he thought of something. Going to his toolbox, he picked out a saw, a file and a screwdriver. And starting in the basement again, he located every nailhead, and carefully sawed or filed a screw slot in each one.
Then he tightened them.
The End

All of the students at my school knew you could get two free beers at the Coors brewery across the street, the average engineering student knew how to skip the tour and go straight to the lounge, the mining students knew when the bartenders changed shift, and I went there with a couple of Seventh Day Adventist friends who brought me their beers. :beer: