Foo - Advise Column...

Having problems with your partner?

Unsure of what to wear to an up coming fete?

Are the kids out of hand and unruly?


This is the place to post your questions. All questions will be answered personally, promptly and publicly. Nothing is to bizarre or challenging, so ask away.


Best wishes,
Trans Landers

I've been running down the road
Ya know...trying to loosen my load.
I've got SEVEN women on my mind
Four want to own, 2 want to stone me
One just said she's a friend of mine.

What do I do about it?

I've been running down the road
Ya know...trying to loosen my load.
I've got SEVEN women on my mind
Four want to own, 2 want to stone me
One just said she's a friend of mine.

What do I do about it?


Dear King Termite,

If you wanna hang out you’ve got to take her out; cocaine.
If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine.
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.

If you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues; cocaine.
When your day is done and you wanna run; cocaine.
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.

If your thing is gone and you wanna ride on; cocaine.
Don’t forget this fact, you can’t get it back; cocaine.
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.

Snortingly,
Trans Landers

Dear King Termite,

If you wanna hang out you’ve got to take her out; cocaine.
If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine.
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.

If you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues; cocaine.
When your day is done and you wanna run; cocaine.
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.

If your thing is gone and you wanna ride on; cocaine.
Don’t forget this fact, you can’t get it back; cocaine.
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.

Snortingly,
Trans Landers
Kudos!! A good reply! :)

Kudos!! A good reply! :)
Thank you. I'm glad it helped. Please don't forget to tell your friends.

Trans Landers

why the TRANS?

hey unnamed girl did you get your idea from a "jealous guy" cuz it seams like a good medium for a wise cracken girl and I wish you the best; but at least invite your inspiration on over if nothing else but to give you some static for old time sake....

What would they say
If we'd up and ran away
From the roaring crowds
And the downtown aggravations
That we traded them away
For a quiet country day
Now would they let us run
Or would they try to find us....


Now would they?




(Bonus points if you can tell me where this song is from and who sang it.)

why the TRANS?


Dear AtlPirate,

Argh... Born a 'pointer' now a 'setter'

Shiver me timbers,
Trans Landers

hey unnamed girl did you get your idea from a "jealous guy" cuz it seams like a good medium for a wise cracken girl and I wish you the best; but at least invite your inspiration on over if nothing else but to give you some static for old time sake....


Dear outakontroll,

I get my insperations from all over the world, but "Jealous Guy" was a strong motivator. Insperation, persperation it's all the same to me. I'm sorry my 'tuner' is a little weak and I'm having problems recieving that last thought.

Humourously yours,
Trans Landers

Hey TransLanders, what about me? You left me stranded. That's messed up. :(

What would they say
If we'd up and ran away
From the roaring crowds
And the downtown aggravations
That we traded them away
For a quiet country day
Now would they let us run
Or would they try to find us....


Now would they?




(Bonus points if you can tell me where this song is from and who sang it.)


Dear Siu Blue Wind,

I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school
Or steal my daddy’s cue and make a living out of playing pool
Or find myself a rock and roll band that needs a helpin’ hand
Oh maggie I wish I’d never seen your face
You made a first-class fool out of me
But I’m as blind as a fool can be
You stole my heart but I love you anyway


Pointlessly,
Trans Landers

Dear AtlPirate,

Argh... Born a 'pointer' now a 'setter'

Shiver me timbers,
Trans Landers


Or could that be TRANSlated to "was an outie, now an innie?" :p

~Oh, no offense intended of course :)

Hey TransLanders, what about me? You left me stranded. That's messed up. :(


Dear Siu Blu Wind,

All things in due time my dear.

Hurriedly,
Trans Landers

Hey, now no cheating! You're looking it up, aren't you?

Or could that be TRANSlated to "was an outie, now an innie?" :p


A bright child you are Siu Blue, looks like you've got me licked :eek:

Aimlessly,
Trans Landers

Dear Trans Landers,

I have a problem with spelling and grammar. Mistakes annoy me. I can't stand to see "seperate" in print. I hate it when people add apostrophes when making a word plural (i.e. plural's). Then there's that whole advise vs. advice conundrum. Can you give me some advice? What do you advise that I do?

I love your advi*e column, by the way.

Grammatically yours,
MsV

Hey, now no cheating! You're looking it up, aren't you?

Looking what up? You discredit me for being resourseful in my answers?

Wondering,
Trans Landers

What would they say
If we'd up and ran away
From the roaring crowds
And the downtown aggravations
That we traded them away
For a quiet country day
Now would they let us run
Or would they try to find us....


Now would they?




(Bonus points if you can tell me where this song is from and who sang it.)

Thanks for the effort Translanders.... :)
Any other takers?

Dear Trans Landers,

I have a problem with spelling and grammar. Mistakes annoy me. I can't stand to see "seperate" in print. I hate it when people add apostrophes when making a word plural (i.e. plural's). Then there's that whole advise vs. advice conundrum. Can you give me some advice? What do you advise that I do?

I love your advi*e column, by the way.

Grammatically yours,
MsV


Dear MsV,

Might I suggest to you any number of excellant OTC laxatives? It would be a good thing to losen up and stop being so anel retentave about spelling and grammer. Should you continue this you'll be shure to contract a severe case of hemerhoids. Take it from one who has just gone through a bout of the old 'roids. You don't want them.

Moving along,
Trans Landers

PS ~ Thanks for the complemint. Pleas tell you're friends. I'm looking for national sindication

Dear Trans Landers,

I've been leading a dual life - two-wheel demon by day, four-wheel horsepower junkie by night - but I've not had the courage to admit it openly before now. I'm afraid my need for speed and love of all things fast will bring the wrath and ridicule of those devoted to bicycle power only. How can I convince the fanatics that I can be a "true" cyclist and *GASP* a cager too??? I'm tired of feeling guilty for my secret pleasure. Any advice would be appreciated!

A faithful reader. :D

Dear Trans Landers,

I've been leading a dual life - two-wheel demon by day, four-wheel horsepower junkie by night - but I've not had the courage to admit it openly before now. I'm afraid my need for speed and love of all things fast will bring the wrath and ridicule of those devoted to bicycle power only. How can I convince the fanatics that I can be a "true" cyclist and *GASP* a cager too??? I'm tired of feeling guilty for my secret pleasure. Any advice would be appreciated!

A faithful reader. :D


Dear Faithful Reader,

Closets are for clothes, welcome to the light. It was a major step, your coming out. Don't you feel cleansed?

Might I suggest something as simple as an avitar change to better express your inate need for speed?

http://www.sportcraftcars.com/GMP/import/gmp7507B_im.jpg

After all, bicycles are for tree huggers & sissies!!

Fuelishly,
Trans Landers

UH.....OHHHHHH........Someone's gonna get in trouble.....neener, neener, neeeeeennerr!!!!! :mad: :fight:

Dear outakontroll,

I get my insperations from all over the world, but "Jealous Guy" was a strong motivator. Insperation, persperation it's all the same to me. I'm sorry my 'tuner' is a little weak and I'm having problems recieving that last thought.

Humourously yours,
Trans Landers


FM... no static at all.... playin blues and elvis and somebodys favorite .. song...... FM...

Dear Faithful Reader,

Closets are for clothes, welcome to the light. It was a major step, your coming out. Don't you feel cleansed?

Might I suggest something as simple as an avitar change to better express your inate need for speed?

After all, bicycles are for tree huggers & sissies!!

Fuelishly,
Trans Landers

Well I took your suggestion to heart and made an avitar out of my hubby's car (mine's not finished yet. :( ) As for bicycles are for tree huggers & sissies...I'm still confused about that. Does that mean I'm a sissy trapped in a gearhead body or a horsepower junkie trapped in a tree hugger's body?

Landers,

I'm tired of my parents bothering me. What's the easiest way to fake having a boyfriend?

Escorts for hire...

I don't take advice from people who don't know how to spell it :p

Are there dictionaries available for those trying to learn the language of women?

Landers,

I'm tired of my parents bothering me. What's the easiest way to fake having a boyfriend?
Try to avoid them throughout your entire 20s. That's what I did. :D

Well I took your suggestion to heart and made an avitar out of my hubby's car (mine's not finished yet. :( ) As for bicycles are for tree huggers & sissies...I'm still confused about that. Does that mean I'm a sissy trapped in a gearhead body or a horsepower junkie trapped in a tree hugger's body?


Dear Confused,

That's a big step in the right direction. Cute car too, what a TR4? Forgive me, the image is small, my eyes are weak. Now hurry up and finish yours!

Honestly, I don't believe duality is part of the equation here. I see you as a gearhead who likes big gobbs of horsepower, but realizes the health benefits of bicycling... as long as you're not doing it in traffic and ** cough ** cough ** sucking on tail pipes! I feel the big benefit you will recieve is in the stabilization of your energy as the bicycle zealots that you associate with become comfortable with your beliefs on the proper application of toruqe.

Exhaustivly,
Trans Landers

Landers,

I'm tired of my parents bothering me. What's the easiest way to fake having a boyfriend?


Dear Tired,

Show them this picture

http://www.weirdspot.com/images/uploads/weird.jpg

Ask them if they want to run the risk of having their daughters life crushed by some whaco like that! C'mon, what's with that hand muff anyhow? Gawd, its summer in Isreal!

Foofed,
Trans Landers

Escorts for hire...


I suppose you're offereing the first evening free, huh?

Get yer own corner, chump! This is my gig!

Intolerantly,
Trans Landers

I don't take advice from people who don't know how to spell it :p


What you talkin' 'bout Willis? I can spell 'it'. Now please sit down and wait for the nice usher to escort you out. Can't you see I'm working?

Funk & Wagnaly,
Trans Landers

Are there dictionaries available for those trying to learn the language of women?

Dear Javna,

You're fighting a losing battle as the lines change soon as thrir drawn. Though you can start here (http://www.tymson.com.au/dictionary.html) in your elusive quest for answers. There is a lot of good information to be gleaned from this site. Trouble is, it was written by a woman and subject to change at her whim. :p

One thing that never changes. FINE. It does NOT mean everything is all right. It's an acronym:
Fu*ked-up, Insecure, Neurotic, & Emotional

Fineley,
Trans Landers

Try to avoid them throughout your entire 20s. That's what I did. :D

Dear Termite,

The game goes like this: You (collectively) ask questions, I (individually) answer them. See the rules are simple. You want to answer questions? Get your own thread!

Angrily,
Trans Landers

You want to answer questions?
Not really...but I enjoy it when *YOU* are asking *ME* the questions. :D

Piss-offedly yours,
KingTermite

Not really...but I enjoy it when *YOU* are asking *ME* the questions. :D

Piss-offedly yours,
KingTermite


Dear King Termite,

Remember: It's always better to be pissed off than pissed on.

You're in nationly,
Trans Landers

Dear Translanders,

I am a 35 year old male and extremely turned on by transvestie advice column givers. You really make me hotter than you could imagine. Will you have my baby?

Sincerely Yours,
Slobbering

Dear Translanders,

I am a 35 year old male and extremely turned on by transvestie advice column givers. You really make me hotter than you could imagine. Will you have my baby?

Sincerely Yours,
Slobbering

Dear Slobbering,

First and foremost it is imperative that you arm yourself with some rudementary information (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender) regarding trans-folk.

There are many places on the internet where one can meet a variety of sensible trans-folk of all derivations which are interested in sensible partners. Fortunatly, I've already found mine.

Unfortunatly, trans-women are unable to bear children. We have the sink but no pipes ;) But adoption is always a possibility

Sterily yours,
Trans Landers

Dear AtlPirate,

Argh... Born a 'pointer' now a 'setter'

Shiver me timbers,
Trans Landers

oh hell...

oh hell...
Please phrase all inquiries as a question.

Authoritativly,
Trans Landers

why did you take away your tool?

why did you take away your tool?
Dear AltPirate,

I didn't take away my tool, I've still got my 13 drawer Craftsman Roll-Away with a full compliment of devices for repair, construction and demolition.

If you mean, "Why did I seek to change my gender?". Then the answer to that would be that I wanted to stay alive. I could no longer perpetuate the lie my body was offering to the world. My choice was to change it or end my life. I chose to live, thus necessatating a change to my body.

Time nor space here doen't allow me to offer a full discourse on Transsexualisim, Gender Identity Disorder, or Gender Reasignment Surgery. Though if you are earnstly interested in the whys & wherefores of my situation those topics are easily Googled and reviewed at your leisure.

Mechanically yours,
Trans Landers

Dear TransLanders,

I have this friend... you see... and he really messed up over the weekend.
He was supposed to take this girl he really liked out on a bike ride Sunday morning...
And he didn't get this act together the day before and tried to get his bike and car ready Sunday morning and kept her waiting for over an hour.
It wasted her time and was disrespectful of the other commitments she had in her life, and he's really sorry.
He wants to make it up to her somehow, but doesn't really know what to do?
Any experience and advice you have in this matter would be greatly appreciated..
He was going to offer her his first-borne child, but since he doesn't have any kids, that's not gonna work.

So he was thinking about making her a sushi dinner, anything she wants on the menu.
What do you think? Do you think she'd like that?

- Big Doofuskus

Dear Translanders,

I am a 35 year old male and extremely turned on by transvestie advice column givers. You really make me hotter than you could imagine. Will you have my baby?

Sincerely Yours,
Slobbering

:roflmao:

Cute car too, what a TR4?

It's a Sunbeam Tiger.

Anyways, thanks for helping me sort it all out. I feel soooo much better now. :p

Dear TransLanders,

I have this friend... you see... and he really messed up over the weekend.
He was supposed to take this girl he really liked out on a bike ride Sunday morning...
And he didn't get this act together the day before and tried to get his bike and car ready Sunday morning and kept her waiting for over an hour.
It wasted her time and was disrespectful of the other commitments she had in her life, and he's really sorry.
He wants to make it up to her somehow, but doesn't really know what to do?
Any experience and advice you have in this matter would be greatly appreciated..
He was going to offer her his first-borne child, but since he doesn't have any kids, that's not gonna work.

So he was thinking about making her a sushi dinner, anything she wants on the menu.
What do you think? Do you think she'd like that?

- Big Doofuskus


Dear Big Doofuskus,

Seems like you, er your friend got himself in a bit of a pickle, eh? As I always say: "When life gives you pickles, make lemonade um , er relish.

Best to first to see if the maiden in question indeed does like sushi. Were it I, your friend would be walking home. I hate sushi. (But I love Crab Legs, so if we can get things to work out for your friend a gift ;) would be appreciated. )

First borne is out of the question as it would take nine months to obtain and you'd need a willing partner, most likely NOT the maiden in question. And, it's likely she'll have found a more responsible sutor by then.

So, yeah a home made sushi dinner would be grand. Tho' If you, er your friend can swing it in the $$$'s dept. go with a limo & chauffer to take her out for dinner. HER favorite resturant, make sure she's reading from the left side of the menu, not the right, then take out for a nice romantic show play or movie. Let it all be her choice. Cap it off with some cocktails and dancing and a night cap of coffee in some smokey coffee house that features beat poets of the 50's.

If that falis to work, might I suggest to your friend a Prince Albert (http://www.abp.net.au/prince_a.htm) piercing. Add her name in diamond crust to the end caps and she'll be yours... your friends for life

Punctually yours,
Trans Landers

It's a Sunbeam Tiger.

Anyways, thanks for helping me sort it all out. I feel soooo much better now. :p


Schweet! A Sunbeam was my second guess, really!

I'm glad we could work this out. All The effort was on you. I was but a roadmap.

Please tell your friends, I still want that national syndication!

:roflmao:


What you laughin' 'bout. If it weren't against forum rules, I'd post that PM you sent me!

Who's laughing now,
Trans Landers
:lol: :lol: :lol: