just about lost your lunch in your spokes."

He turned to the OCP men. "Hey, could you guys go stroke each other in the sauna? Jane and I need some quiet time alone."

"Jane, you look hungry. Would you like some caramel cheesecake? I made it yesterday."

Jane looked at him in the way that only a woman who wants more than cheesecake could look at a man, and said, " . . . .

I'd also like to try some of that miso soup. It looks . . .

delicious. Oh, and are those chanterelles over there?"

"Yes, Jane, they are. I harvested them myself while on the triple century ride I did this morning. Would you like some?" Dick asked eagerly, hoping to hear the words he'd longed to hear . . .

"Life is what we make it. I've made mistakes, now I want to make it with you." Dick choked on his chanterelles seasoned with her last word, turned to Jane to say...

"Jane, I've wanted to say this to a woman ever since I left Japan and Sumo wrestling . . . ever since I left Korea and TaeKwonDo . . . ever since I beat Lance at the secret October 2005 Tour de Mongolia, then left professional cycling . . . .

Jane, I . . .

had a freak cycling accident, and the nerves down there were destroyed. They say they can harvest sperm, if I should ever want children, but nothing else can be done.

"Ha ha!! Just kidding!! I'm such a kidder, aren't I, Jane, my love? All my nerves are intact. Look!"

Jane looked and saw the biggest . . .

circle jerk she could ever imagine all around a carbon fiber DeRosa King in the next room. The sight of the entire OCP in an act of pure bike lust made her spit out....

She spit out her chanterelles and called for the Bike Forum moderator. "Hey, can he say 'circle jerk' in this story?"

While the moderator was looking through the BF Short Story Manual, Jane called for Dick to follow her to the bedroom, where they . . .

enjoyed the cheesecake. "Coffee" Jane said. "After lunch, let's go get a coffee and catch up"

He found the coupons for Der Weinerschnitzel that he had stashed, and made sure that they had not expired, picked their way carefully around the OCP party, and started out for the mall. Jane quizzed Dick about the size of....

of his bike, and how he planned to train off season to stay sharp.
She stole a single glance at his thighs as he floored the throttle
on the freeway onramp.

"Hurry, Dick. I want it so bad."

Finally, they arrived at Der Weinerschnitzel. "Oh Dick, give me the biggest weiner you can! Hurry!"

He rushed inside, ordered, and came back to the car. To his surprise, Jane was . . .

stark naked under a blanket in the back seat.

...completely naked. Her big firm breasts jiggling and beckoning him to "ride her all night". Then in rushed the CIA.

HER NAME IS ANDREA, WHO DECIDED TO CHANGE IT TO JANE? THE NEXT PERSON, PLEASE USE THE NAME ANDREA!

"Sorry, Sir" said Field Agent Madone. "This woman is suspected of being an agent of a Russian lab that provided Lance Armstrong with
highly experimental drugs"

HER NAME IS ANDREA, WHO DECIDED TO CHANGE IT TO JANE? THE NEXT PERSON, PLEASE USE THE NAME ANDREA!

-- read the whole thing. Sadly, we left Andrea's behind behind --

They were only interested in gathering information about Andrea's work on a new preformance enhancing drug that was infused by wearing silk underpants, so they only looked up from their note pads to check out the huge weiner that Dick had just came in with. They got so distracted by those tube steaks that they....

That they simply said "This isn't the person we are looking for. Sorry to have disturbed you" And sprinted into the Mall, guns drawn.

Meanwhile, back in the car, Jane looked at the weiner Dick had shown her and said, " . . .

"Is that hot dog for me" Which is when Andrea stepped in front of
Dick and slapped him so hard he spun around. She grabbed his car keys as he spun, slid behind the wheel, and drove off. Leaving Dick's
mouth opening and closing like a fish; as he wondered why the hell some woman he didn't even know slapped him so hard that he was still seeing stars.

"Great work, Andrea," said Jane. "I was afraid you wouldn't make it back in time. Agent DTrain sent me a message via helmet phone, but it was so garbled, I couldn't make it out."

"Jane, we don't have much time. We must hurry and get to headquarters before . . .

the grand opening of ChipnDale Furniture and Bike Shop . . .

-- read the whole thing. Sadly, we left Andrea's behind behind --

What? I reread it. But it's confusing. It just seems Andrea just got switched to June and then Jane randomly. Or maybe the EUGENE guy leaving part was just confusing. The part before she went to the Father. That made little sense.

Sora will meet us at the bike shop, she has been stumbling around in the shadows all night looking for some guy about an umberella, crying now because she says that she missed connecting with her soul mate. Anyway, she has the things that the CIA guys are after, so we had better send them to Koffee Brown's house near the Pentagon, and be on....

Then there was a swirl of light, and Dake found himself on the starship Enterprise. Capt Kirk swaggered up to him and said "I'm glad....we could... meet. You have been caught... in a war of which your people know nothing, but could determine the fate of the galaxy. Spock stepped forward. "Captain, there isn't much time. Before you are returned, you need to know..."

What? I reread it. But it's confusing. It just seems Andrea just got switched to June and then Jane randomly. Or maybe the EUGENE guy leaving part was just confusing. The part before she went to the Father. That made little sense.

Hmm, it's a game. It seemed to make sense at the time, but I'm not surprised it doesn't. Look, we are just throwing out absurd plot twists and crazy dialogue trying to have fun. I wouldn't worry too much about the details.We'll just change them :eek:

Andrea, what is that you are listening on the radio? "turn it off Jane, this is Dick's car, he's gone off the deep end since his wife took off with that handsome guy, I think he started going to trekkie conventions, it's why he is obsessed with Trek bikes too, what a .......

traitor to the revolution."
"I know. I heard Lemond is advancing towards Washington."
"Yes he has an army of a million men on bikes."
"I still don't know about his revolution. Would Lemondite fascism work in the US?"
"Well, anything is better than George Bush IV's horrific rule. I mean he dismantled the UN and started the WWIII, which led to the nuclear decimation of France. I'm going to join the Lemondites!"

Two night later, they arrived at Koffee Brown near the Pentagon.
Two nights after, Washington fell to the Lemondites and Lemond became the first permanent head chairman of the Eternal Socialist Empire of the United States.

Meanwhile, Dick walked back in the dark to OCP headquarters, where he found the men still in the sauna, smiles on their faces, eyes glazed.

"Quick, men. Get dressed. We must get to the Pentagon!"

"Is it about the Lemondites?" one of the men asked.

"No, there's a mycology convention! I must make mushroom soup!"

Dick rushed out to warm up the van as the men . . .

The following week, all of the Lemond bikes rusted into a pile of orange ferrous oxide crumbs, leaving the Lemondites with no way to hold power, and they became a HUGE joke in France, where the clinking of wine glasses was deafening. Once again Lemond was forced back to Montana with less....

Dick rushed out to warm up the van as the men put on Star Trek costumes, then kissed the DeRosa King good bye, and jumped into the van where they all said together "Beam me....

but Jane and Andrea . . . and some of the aliases they have had to use for undercover work . . . realized there was still time to salvage the story and keep their covers . . . if they could just remember the business plan behind the original ChipnDale Furniture. Or had they left that plan completely? The one thing they could all agree on is that cycling . . .

forums would be the best place to advertise their products. Cyclists all need furniture, they thought. Life is not always spent on a little hard saddle.

"Who can we call in to help us with our ad plan?" asked Andrea.

All of a sudden, as if in answer to her wishes, in walked . . .

the Burger King, grinning from ear to ear, and never batting an eye. Jane recoiled and said with....

guilty surprise, "King, how did you know I'd be here! Um ... uh . . . it's not what you think! We're just . . . "

"We're just not ready for lunch." Which is when Andrea pulled
out a short barrel shotgun and gave him both barrels.

although it startled the Burger King, it turned out to be a toy gun. "Just kidding," she said, "we were just . . .

. . . waiting for HER." She pointed to the regal woman standing at the far side of the room. "She's the woman known as . . .

Helga, she needs you to take this note and thong underwear over to Koffee Brown, and her boss Donald Rumsfeld. The king smiled, as always, and nodded in agreement, so Andrea opened the little door in the back of his fake head and put in the thong (the one used on Chip to test the drug dose), along with a note to Koffee which said "......

Nothing. It was a ruse. Jane quickly composed her own note: "Don't show this to Helga, but would you tell that woman to put some shoes on?? I'm tired of looking at her bare feet. Oh, and the secrets are in Burger King's jewels. The ones in his crown, I mean. Get them and the world will be ours."

The burger king smiled and waved on the Metro green line all the way to Pentagon City, where Koffee was waiting for him at the top of the escalator. Koffee seemed to enjoy getting the note from the kings jewels, but was a little more than disgusted with having to reach into the kings fake head for the thong, (couldn't you just use a plastic bag!). As she read the note a furrow developed on her forehead, she knew that Rummy was not going to like the results, and the thought of her boss in a thong was....

Just then Ahkmed, sitting just 2 seats in front of the king, set off his suicide bomb. It was 20Kg of binary explosive, the first time a terrorist had ever used such a sophisticated and powerful explosive.

The bus was nearly vaporised, pieces rained down over a mile and a half radius. A 20 foot hole and collapsed buildings were all that remained.

Only one thing survived the explosion. It was . . .

a little kitty that had been in a carrier. In a car.
Down the street, and around the corner. Everything else within 150 yards
was ripped apart at the microscopic level.

Koffee Brown's hunch was correct, as usual, Rumsfeld wanted the dose of performance enhancing drug to be given by way of silk boxers with lipstick markings, period! The fact that the thong worked better enraged him to the point that poor Ahkmed was sent out to express Rummy's displeasure with Helga's result. Helga's reaction upon hearing the news report of the bus was....

disbelief. Perhaps it didn't actually happen. This group was known to plant fake stories of explosions where no one was actually killed while using stunt doubles and special effects. Knowing this, she quickly . . .

She flew down to the spot, but couldn't even get close. It was roped off, and there
were a dozen different kinds of investgators. An odd, pungent, smell
left no doubt it was true.

Helga knew she needed to get as far away as she could, and quickly. She also knew that the subway was not safe, no doubt Rummy and Koffee had it watched, so her only hope was to slip into the bike shop just down the street and pick up a bike and a T-Mobile team kit, and try to slip away through Rock Creek Park to Rockville, where she could try to contact Sora. She knew that Koffee liked Sora, agent hi565 had made that point clear to her, so she wondered....