She wondered who that was following her. She slipped into a stip bar, and needing to get out of sight, she applied for a job. "Girl, the things you get yourself into" she thought, somewhat chagrined that
a simple caper how gone so completely fubar. And now the day was about to get even better. "****" She allowed herself the moment of honesty, and then smiled as the manager walked up to her.

"You can keep your clothes on there Miss." said the manager, "This is a Gaza Strip Bar..."

"This is a Gaza Strip Bar, go into that room and try on one of those berkhas, see which one covers you the best". Perfect!, Helga thought, go from one looney bin to another in less then 12 miles, Americans! When she returned the manager of the bars said "perfect I can't see a thing of you or your body, but hey, you'll have to take that little kitty of yours outside". Her head snapped around to see it, it's eyes glowing like little LED's, all she could say was .......

All she could say was, "Oops, my puusy is showing, I guess this berkha is more revealing than I had first imagined". With that she bent down to

Look directly into the eyes of the little kitty, and said, "Koffee Brown, you've really changed since you've come to Washington and got involved with the right. I know I can't destroy this device you have here, but I will see to it that .....

I immolate your little kitty to the cycling gods MWAHAHAHAHAH! I cant

. . . I can't . . . I can't . . . "

She suddenly woke up in a cold sweat. She was in her bedroom, in her bed, and she'd been dreaming. "But," she thought, "it seemed so real!"

Or was it all a dream? Lying naked and sound asleep next to her was none other than . . .

MERTON! :eek:

She tried to remember what happened last night. Where had she been? What had she been doing? Why was HE here with her?? Then, the question that she didn't even want to think about: had they really DONE it? She thought and thought.

Then, it came to her! It was all okay! They hadn't been intimate. He was only there because . . .

Merton stirred. Who was that hollering? Oh,crap, it was mumbling and he was going to have one of THOSE hangovers. How did I get here? Oh wait, were there 2 girls? One said no fun, but then somebody had practically raped me in the middle of the night.
He looked around, nope, just the one gal. Oh, she was one of those....
"Got an aspirin?"

at which point, the mysterious WMD's that had gone missing for ages appeared out of the sky, and killed everyone. Even my pet cockaroach.

Merton realised he was having another flashback. WMD's?
What was in those drinks she gave me anyway?

minutes later, Andrea stepped out from the shower glistening (see page one), and put her robe on, still trying to figure everything out. When she picked up her clothes there was a note pinned to her shirt, " You both ended up in my cab, neither of you could speak, so I brought you both here, hope your hang over isn't too bad, Kris Pistoferson, driver 8"

As she returned to the room, Merton was .....

Merton was gone, but standing in a shadow was a tall, mysterious
man known only as The Russian. He had been a brilliant engineer
in Russia, but in the States the brilliance had twisted, in several ways, all at the same time, all dangerous, all dark, all deadly.
He lit a cigarette, the flash illuminating his face. He did not look at her, just smoked while Andrea could feel her heart pound. Then he lifted his head, looked at her, and said...

"Privyet, moya lyubov. Ya znayu kovo ti khochesh. Ti khochesh menya, da? Ti khotyela bi zanimat'sya lyubovyu so mnoi vsyu nochyu, da?"

Andrea got out her pocket bicycle pump/translator and found out that he had said:

"I tried to get all of the toilet paper out of your trees, but couldn't reach all the way up to the top, sorry." Andrea, looked at "The Russian", then at his cigarette and said.....

"Je voudrais faire de l'amour avec toi, mon amour."

Sergei, who was multi-lingual knew exactly what she meant. Besides being multi-lingual, he was also bi-coastal, and Andrea knew exactly what that meant.

"No, my darling, we can't," he said. "I must save myself for . . .

Another story, another time. Andrea came out of the shower glistening.....

"Kill me now," pleaded chip. "This cannot continue. All this talk of lumbar is making me blue."

oh man! I missed it! *Runs to room to cry* :D

oh man! I missed it! *Runs to room to cry* :D


Always remember lad, there's nothing wrong with Sora.

as andrea cried after hearing this she ate a big heaping bowl of...




(hehe :D)

. . . onion rings, washed down by a chocolate hazelnut milkshake. She realized that could mean only one thing . . .

That the burritos had lost their appeal, spoiled maybe. Dick thought that the Pony was really sexy and wanted to take it somewhere quite and remote to graze. Helga thought that this horse had died....

. . . and she was also anxious to ride again. Actually, she was more than anxious. She was what could only be described as squirrelly!

...And that dear children, is how the Squirrels won the War on Terror!
The moral of the story is, Sora glistens like nobody's business!
Tune in next week for Further Tails of The Ridiculous and the Sublime.

Meanwhile, Dick was driving along the Washington-Baltimore Parkway with the OCP dressed in their finest Star Trek costumes, stroking as usual, in the back of the van. Dick leaned his head on his hand, shaking his head, "I told you guys we were going to a mushroom convention, why did you put your trekkie costumes on?" No answer came from the back as the van had just whizzed by a rider on a new Seven, and there were 12 faces and tongues pressed against the rear window, the guys trying to debate carbon verses titanium in mumbles. Dick was still smarting over the way.....

Helga treated him as they were riding together in the Shampoo-y Century. "Dude, it's hammerin' time!" she had yelled as she sped past him.

Dick, the dork that he was, thought she was talking M.C., and he got off his bike and started dancing and singing, "Can't touch this . . . " just as the OCP were riding past. They've never let him forget it. Even now, in the van, they were taunting him, saying, "Hey, Dick . . .

when you getting some gold lame' tights and shoes for riding and kicking out the jams? HARRRRRR HARRRRR!, one of the guys said, with the solid approval of the others. Yeah, and try out one of those purple boa's, that would be sick at about the seventy five mile rest stop, the OCP was in tears. Dick was getting a bit weary of the jokes, so he pointed, look guys, a Serotta OttRott, jesus! Game over, the guys spun out of control into spitting out tube thickness, ti country of origin, and it was Campy. Dick knew he had about two hours before the OCP would be able to think about anything else, and would have totally forgotten the MC Hammer dance by that time. Dick strolled off to the mushroom identification table set up by the Takoma Park OCMF. And low and behold, there she was, "OMG .....

. . . Helga! I didn't know you'd be here! Do you remember the last time I saw you? It was Halloween 2003, and I was going to trick or treat at your house on Pill Hill, but those gates . . . Oh, but Helga, let's not talk about your treats . . . I only have two hours . . . Come, my darling."

"Oh, you sweet Dick!" She exclaimed as he . . .

whipped out his huge mushroom for everyone at the table to see, "how long has it been since you seen one like this Helga?, you can touch it all you want". Her eyes popped open and a chill ran down her spine as she checked out the bolettus erectus mushroom that Dick brought to the show. Where did you get this Dick, it's very special? " I wish I could say I found it myself, he replied, It was given to me just yesterday by this man I'd never met before, a real shifty looking fellow, he carried several of these in a violin case. So, what do you think, do you think it's edible? Helga just about choked at Dick's last question, holding back a chuckle, thought to herself.....

She thought to herself that Dick must be the leader of XMAS. Only XMAS members ever dare expose their organisms to others. Only a leader would offer his prize jewel to another, especially someone not worthy to be an XMAS member, to sample. She felt happy, proud, and more than a little hormonal. She knew she had to ask him, "Have you always gone by the name Dick?"

"Why no, Helga," Dick answered. "I used to be a Richard when I was a boy, but now I'm a Dick."

Suddenly, XMAS . . . .

Suddenly, XMAS operatives started talking into their coat sleaves, and dropping their donuts, the mere utterance of the name of the Bolete mushroom, and the name Dick, sent shock waves through the auditorium, they hear everything. Helga notioned with her finger for Dick to come in closer so she could whisper in his ear, she quietly asked Dick if he would send the OCP guys back to the clubhouse in the van, and asked if he would come to Takoma Park to take a hot tub with her after the show was over. Dick gave her a wink and an affirmative nod, then stood up to say......

to the gathered crowd. "Attention, ladies and gentleman. It's beginning to look alot like XMAS."

Shocked and angry that they had been exposed, the XMAS operatives hopped on their bikes and fled from the scene like cockroaches fleeing from light. The OCP, noticing how quickly they sped away, followed them to learn their speed secrets, all the while talking titanium and gear ratios.

Helga and Dick left together and . . .

Helga and Dick left together and and decided that Koffee Brown must have had something to do with that, but also decided that talk of KB and the XMAS could be postponed, they had a few days together to plan. As they drove back to Takoma Park in Helga's Jag, Dick was kicking back thinking about the hot tub and after, when Helga reached into the console glove box and brought out a picture of her rat Stacey, and told Dick.....

. . . . "I haven't been with a man since Stacey the rat died. For the longest time I wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone, human or animal, but I think I'm ready now."

Dick perked up. He started playing footsy with Helga, not realizing that the foot he was footsying was also the foot that was accelerating. Neither one realized that they were speeding toward danger until . . .

"Dick!!! Oh no!! . . .

No!, oh, oh ,ohhhh Dick, don't stop, uummmm. It was then that Dick realized that they were almost to the Capital Beltway interchange going about 85 mph, and if he didn't bring his wild toes back onto his side, the Jag would have crashed in a firey ball, and he would miss this weekend with Helga. He looked over at the driver's seat to see Helga collecting herself, returning her concentration back to where it belonged, at least for the moment. They were only twenty minutes from Takoma Park once they turned onto the Beltway, so she was sure she would be able to wait that long.
Dick was looking out the car window as they took the University Blvd exit off the freeway, and headed inside the beltway towards Helga's place. Feeling more collected now Helga.....

said, "Dick. I don't do this sort of thing often. In fact, I've never done it before. Ever, and I'm feeling a little scared and nervous. Talk to me, Dick, and tell me it's okay."

Dick was shocked. "WHAT?? You've never taken a man home to your place and had wild monkey love??"

Helga laughed and said, "Oh, Dick. Of course, I've done that. I do it all the time! Why, just yesterday . . . . . (cough) . . . uh . . . I mean, no what I was talking about was . . . .

that you're so boring my pillow needs a pillow. Did you like that time when we..

Spent the evening polishing each other's frame until they shined. With a gleam in your eye and a naughty smile you said...

"Steel's real, baby, and I'd love to tighten your chain all night long, if you get my drift (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more)."

Helga sighed and said, "Oh, Dick. What will I do with you?"

Dick was about to tell Helga what she could do with each of his movable parts, when . . .

He realized it's been 6 hours since his last training ride. If he was going to make the Discovery Team for next years TdF, he needs to get back on the bike for interval work. As he got up to leave, Helga said "don't go yet." He turned and looked and saw Helga....

making pasta primavera, in her birthday suit. She smiled at Dick and told him that the pasta would take about twenty five minutes to simmer, why don't we do a little simmering too? Dick looked at his bike, then back at Helga, who was looking absolutely....

Ravenged after her night of intense workout with the pool boy. She told about how she mounted his

Ravenged after her night of intense workout with the pool boy. She told about how she mounted his

cleaning net on the garage wall, then put both for the nordictracks away until he came once again for a workout. She thought to herself, I really think we should have let those bozos secede to wallow in there own foulness and ignorance.
Dick looked again at his bike, then began taking off his jersey....

. . . while at the same time walking toward Helga. He continued walking and undressing, thinking all the while, as he smoothed his helmet-head hair, about how suave he must look to her, his Helga. Little did he know, though, that danger lurked just around the corner, for as he pulled his shirt over his head . . .

He didn't see the stationary trainer. He tripped and fell realizing his Look cleats aren't the best for maintaining balalnce. As he went down he grabbed for everything around him. He pulled over an assortment of bikes, wheels, and parts. One grasp felt particularly good and different and he realized Helga was in the pile with him. Her long blond hair fell across his chest. They looked into each others eyes and she moaned "Oh Dick"....

"Oh Dick, let's get back to where we were in the car on the way here. She gave him a kiss so intense that any thoughts of a training ride sped away like Alex Vinakourev in Lyon. The cleats were the first thing to be thrown in the to the corner, then on the way to the other room was a trail of what remained, including Hega's apron.
As if the timer had been set, the house filled with the smell of the Pasta Prima Vera, mixing with the ......

. . . smell of the inside of her car. Dick, as happy as a worm in compost, misheard Helga and thought she said, "Let's get back in the car." He moved Helga aside, rushed past the steaming pasta, and yelled from the backseat of the car, "Helga, my darling. I want to do it in the road!"

Little did he know, but Helga . . .

Helga had slightly different plans. She went to the center of the road, took a blanket from the car, laid back and covered herself with pasta and marinara. All Dick could think of is how this adds an entirely different meaning to "pasta lover" and as he walked closer breathing rapidly......