. . . thinking the only words appropriate at a time like this: "Would you like freshly grated Parmesan with that?"

Helga, wild with pasta lust, replied, "Dick . . .

opened the door to the back seat where Helga sat snuggled in a blanket, and nothing else but a mischievous smile. Dick slid in and closed the door, he felt like a teen again.....

. . . and the scene fades as old film clips of rockets shooting into the sky, bananas being unpeeled, popsicles being licked, trains entering tunnels, and single-celled organisms dividing cover the screen . . .

"Helga, was it good for you, too?" Dick asked as he reached for the stereotypical cigarette.

"Dick!?! What are you doing?" Helga grabbed the cigarette from his hand, and they both noticed something else . . .

he was standing stradled over the top tube, arms leaning on the handlebars, helmet unbuckled, looking not at the car, but in the direction of the bike path in Sligo Park. Dick looked, not believing what he was seeing, he ran the car window down and said, "Hey LordOpie, just what the hell are you doing man!". LO turned around with a big grin, "hey Dick, what's up?.... DON'T tell me, I think I know the answer to my question. Do you guys want me to come back later?, because...", Dick had to smile too, "nah man, go inside and have some pasta, we'll.....

. . . be inside as soon as we're done here."

Two seconds pass.

"Okay. We're done . . . I mean, I'm done!" Dick said, smiling as only an impotent man on Viagra should be smiling. Helga looked at him with frustration.

"Great," said LordOpie. "I have some important news to tell you . . . .

both, be careful when you get out of the car man, there is someone in Sligo Park watching your little auto adventure with a long lens on his camera. Dick and Helga looked toward the park, but didn't see anything, but just to be sure they got out of the love nestmobile on the other side of the car and made a mad dash into Helga's house.
LordOpie was already into the pasta when they came in and went to the bedroom to get dressed. Dick told LO to look around for some orange juice, they would be back out in a minute, however all he could find was......

a huge vat of musk-scented Bag Balm, some centerfolds from Bicycling a Trois, the movie Debbie Does Derailleurs, and one item that shocked even the unshockable LO. It was . . .

a photograph of some woman's chubby feet, LordOpie just about lost his pasta primavera, but managed to get his hand to his mouth fast enough to hold everything together. He winced at the grotesque feet, looked like someone he knew, made him gag again to think of that person too. Opie turned the photo face down on the desk, mumbled something about an appropriate use of chinese foot wrapping for those pork chops, again a small gag held back. Dick entered the kitchen and gave Lordopie a man hug, then spun around and....

said, "I must go back to the car, Opie. Helga is waiting. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, Dick. I think so. Let me just step outside to get some fresh air. We need to find out who would take such a photograph, and worse, who would leave it lying around for anyone to see! We need to get the agents of XMAS on that right away."

Dick said, " . . .

I've got some ideas. I recognize or at least can narrow who those chubby feet belong to. They are either the deformed ones belonging to Svetlana, the Russian cycling star that made the monumental mistake of bonding cleats to her feet with super-glue, or Wanda, the cycling spy that gets team secrets from riders by playing footsie under the table. Those feet aren't pretty to look at but they are magical is obtaining secrets.

Helga replied "It's not Svetlana because the picture has no cleats. We need to get an undercover XMAS, er...undertable XMAS agent on this right away. Who should we use?"

LordOpie, quickly swallowing pasta and washing it down with a RockStar, suggested that an issue this sensitive requires a real Patriot, he just may be able to find out what Wanda is up to. Dick thought for a minute with both of his hands pressed against the top tube of LO's Felt, "yes, it will work, Patriot is President of the OCP, so Wanda will be lured by his enormous......

"Dick!" yelled Helga, suddenly. "Dick, I know who those feet belong to!! I'd recognize them anywhere. It's not a toe ring on that toe. It's really a tracking device placed by EUGENE, and they've tracked the feet to none other than . . . "

Roseanne Barr, since she was thrown out of show business she has gone completely bonkers, started wearing mini skirts, and acting like she is 23, instead of 53". LordOpie's cell phone began to ring, the ringer was the song from the musical Xanadu. Helga gave Dick a glance, Dick acknowledged her thought, Xanadu Mutual Admiration Society, XMAS, of couse, who else could run it so .....

secretly. Dick and Helga now knew that Opie was an XMAS member, but Opie didn't realize that Dick and Helga knew. Dick and Helga tried to act nonchalant.

"Sooooooooo, Opie," said Dick. "Have you seen any good videos lately? Any movies from the 70s?" referring ever so sublty to Xanadu.

Opie was caught off guard for a moment, wondering if Dick knew about Xanadu, but then he figured that Dick was talking about his collection of hip 70s porn. "Oh yeah, Dick. The other day I was watching . . .

Bliss on Oxygen and suddenly appeared on the TV was...

an interview with some of the old Mitchell brother's regulars, I was surprised they are still around, man those were the beginnings of some fast times in that business. I moved on from that stuff years ago, it's only bike porn for me now, with carbon fiber being used in Italy now, it's only going to get better and better."
"So, you guys, when I talked with you outside I told you I had something important to tell you both. I know you picked up on my phone signal, look", with that LordOpie pulled down the back of his cycling shorts to expose a small tattoo of Olivia Newton-John,"there she is my XMAS tat. I'm here to warn you that....

. . . tattoos are for life. Yes, I wish I had never gone to Shifty's Tattoo and Piercing Parlor and gotten this tattoo of ON-J. You can't imagine the toll it's taken on my love life. As soon as I get naked, the women look, laugh, then leave. I haven't been with a normal woman since 1979 . . . "

He started sobbing quietly to himself, as Helga looked at Dick and whispered, "I think . . .

"I think he is trying hit on me with his wonderful sense of humor, AND a tattoo on his cheek, must resist temptation....for now" she then flashed Dick a slight smile and a wink. Dick returned Helga's smile, he knew LO all to well, he also knew that a woman as beautiful as Helga would bring out his charm, even though there was work to be done, serious work to be done.
Dick smiled at LordOpie, then got back to business, "who do you think it was in Sligo Park with the camera?, did you get a look at her?, was it T-Mobile or the Italians?". LO took on a concerned look, ran his fingers through his helmet hair, and replied " I wish....

. . . I wish I could get these damn voices in my head to stop arguing."

Helga's and Dick's eyes widened, and they wondered if they'd heard LO correctly. They knew that he'd been under a lot of stress lately from his duties at XMAS. He wasn't able to ride his usual quadruple century every morning, and his body fat had risen to an extremely pudgy 3%. It was all taking a toll.

Dick spoke softly, "Opie? What are they arguing about?"

LordOpie stared blankly at them, then said, "They . . .

"They are in my ears Dick, look, a tiny speaker in each one. This one in the right is from my office in Denver, DenvrFox is telling me how GLORIOUS it is today, the left is my books on tape service with a list of the New York Times best seller list, I have to make my selection for the ride back to DuPont Circle, hang on...there, done.
Helga was liking LO more all the time, she thought to herself.....

"I'd love to get him in a private book club. Yeah, I could analyze his plot and conventions . . . "

"Helga! Snap out of it! We have work to do!" Dick knew that look on Helga's face, and he was not amused. As much as he liked LordOpie, Helga was in HIS book club, and that's how it would remain. "We need to . . .

"We need to know what's going on and why you are in DC, is it something that you can talk about?" Opie once again ran his fingers through his helmet hair, and looked at Dick and Helga in a way that told them both that he was ready to get down to business. "Look you guys, XMAS is working on something big, with international implications important to us all. I can't explain it to you now, I need you to travel with me to Leadville to meet with the head of XMAS, and hear the details from my boss, Telenick. We don't have much time, we need to catch a train for Denver tomorrow morning at Union Station, what do you say, are you in?"
Helga looked.....

in the small rearview mirror attached to her helmet and saw something unusual and strange lurking in the shadows behind them. Or was it someone unusual and strange? She couldn't tell for sure. She tried to keep calm, looking forward as if nothing was unusual, but she kept her eyes focused on the mirror. Who or what was it?

"Oh my gosh!" she yelled. "It's . . .

Sora!!! Dick and LO turned to the kitchen window and there she was, looking a bit tatered, but smiling through the window. Helga went to open the door, Dick gave LO a look and a shrug, as if to say "what gives?". LordOpie smiled and told them that Sora has been working with him for a few weeks, she was refered to him by agent hi565, who always says, "there is nothing wrong with Sora", XMAS code , of course, meaning 'she's easy, and can be trusted'. Some people just think that Sora is cheap, But Lord Opie.....

. . . LordOpie, who knows from cheap, knew for a fact that Sora was not cheap. "Sora! Come in from the cold!"

"Hello, Opie," Sora smiled. "It's been a long time. Do you remember that time in Paris?"

"Oh, Sora. How could I forget?"

"Opie, you know that Sora is my XMAS code name. Please call me by my real name, Sara, okay? Oh, and what will happen with EUGENE now that Roseanne Barr has been identified as their leader?"

Opie smiled and said, "About EUGENE, que sera, sera, Sara."

Sara looked serious for a moment, then said, "Did you hear the news about agent hi565? He . . .

He passed his geometry mid-terms, if all goes well he'll do as well in his other classes too. He's a pretty good guy, he just infiltrated Koffee Brown's BF underground too, we'll need to be extra careful not to blow his cover." LordOpie praised Sara for getting to Helga's on time, "did you get the train tickets for everyone?" Sara whipped out the envelope and handed it over to LO, 4 tickets to Glenwood Springs, Colorado, he could just feel the warm springs that were just across the street from the train station. "OK everyone, the train leaves from Union station at 6:45, take your bikes to the baggage car by 6:30, we have reserved 4 entire coach cars, this should be some....

. . . fun, wild train trip west!"

Helga, always thinking, said, "I don't mean to be picky, but if we need to get to Colorado quickly, why are we taking Amtrak? Wouldn't it be faster and just as cheap to fly?"

LordOpie, Sara, and Dick all looked at each other. LordOpie was the first to speak. "Should we tell her why we're taking the train? Can we trust her, Dick?"

Dick said, "Helga, we didn't want to have to tell you this, but . . .

we have a private jet that will take you and Sora into Colorado Springs, where you will be met by Fatboy Biker, who will take you to meet with Lala in Monument. You'll need to take her the silk boxer shorts with lipstick prints, and the thong that has the formula you've been working on. She will insure that everything gets to Leadville safely. The rest of us will be on the train, where we will have time to get to know each other and do some planning.
Helga looked at Dick, and said....

"Don't mess with me, Dick. You just want to get rid of me, don't you . . . ??" She started sobbing, as only a woman who's been lied to by a man named Dick can sob. "It's all HER fault!" She pointed at Sora/Sara.

Dick and Sara/Sora looked guiltily at each other. Sora/Sara spoke first, "Helga, I would do anything for that Dick, but it's the love of one spy for another, which is more platonic than platonic love. You have nothing to worry about from me."

Dick joined in, "Helga, you know I would never . . .

let our attraction get in the way of the work we have to help LordOpie with, look, Sara will be going with you on the plane, you'll get to know her, and see that she and Stacey have had to make the same sacrifice for this operation, it's that big I'm afraid. Lord Opie was standing there nodding in agreement, but also wishing that it was him that would be alone with Helga on the plane to the mile high.....

club. "Oh Helga, darling," he thought quietly to himself. "When will we finally be alone together to make sweet love in the tiny bathroom of an airplane? When, my darling, when?" He gazed at Helga as his thoughts continued on in this vein. Meanwhile, Dick droned on and on and on . . .

"Helga, you and Sara will be joined by other operatives as your train makes its way to Colorado. The first one to join you will be . . .

Oh my gosh, I am tired, did I say you would be on the train, I mean the plane, the plane. It's late, what a day."
LordOpie agreed, he needed to get back to his hotel in Dupont Circle, and Sara would meet the plane and wait for Helga to arrive in the morning.
Dick and Helga shared the last Rainier Beer in the fridge, and recalled the old TV commercial with the motorcycle making sound of the engine and the name of the beer as it shifted, a shifty commercial they thought. This light moment aroused the passion again, what a way to end a rather eventful day.

Chapter 13

The passion erupted again. Something very strong was going to happen but as Dick leaned over, smiling and looking into Helga's eyes, the effect of quickly gulping down the beer got to him and he burped just as their lips met. "Talk about a deal breaker" thought Dick as Helga stepped back and Dick went limp.

Helga, never one to be put off by normal bodily functions, took a deep breath and burped right back at Dick as she leaned her lips into his. At that moment, Dick knew that all was right in the world, and that he was with the woman meant for him.

"Darling," Dick sighed as he took a break from kissing her, "I've never wanted to eructate with a woman as much as I've wanted to with you."

"I feel the same way, Dick. It's like this is the climax of my life. In fact, I . . . .

"Eructate...eructate...?" Thought Helga. "Just a minute Dick" as she quickly ran to get a dictionary. Finding the meaning of the word, she comes running back as tells Dick "I want to eructate with you too."

Dick smiles, a warm feeling comes over him, he steps closer. Helga glances at Dick and asks "Is that a longer crankarm your riding or are you just glad to see me?"

Helga and Dick began to engage in what can only be described as adult activities. There was much heavy breathing, moaning, grabbing of body parts, grimacing, shedding of clothes, and screaming. (The latter was from Dick only.)

Finally, Helga was about to rid Dick of his final garment: his pants. As she unzipped him and saw what was in his pants, she recoiled in horror.

"Oh no, Dick!! I never would have believed a man like you would be so . . . . Oh, I can't think of words to say it, but I'll try . . . Dick, you're wearing (gasp!) UNDERWEAR!! Why, Dick. Why??"

She ran from the room sobbing, as Dick . . .

adjusted his bikini briefs. He knew his secret was now finally out. He didn't anyone to know he liked to cross dress by wearing those tiny "speedo" looking undershorts and wearing his heart rate monitor strap as a bra.

But he didn't want to lose Helga. He ran after her. He caught her, grabbed her from behind and turned her around. Just as he kissed her, he saw tears and her throat made sounds. He thought "Are those tears from sadness or laughter?"

"Oh, Dick! Your underwear . . . " She struggled to get the words out. " . . . you're wearing shorts with lipstick designs . . ." She had to stop to compose herself. "The only other man who wore those kinds of undies was my long lost lover, Hammerin' Jack Canby . . . " She stopped. "Or is it Camby? . . . I can never remember . . . " She sobbed silently, unable to speak again.

Dick was stunned. Hammerin' Jack Canby? (Or was it Camby?) That could only mean one thing . . .

Dick was more than stunned. "Hammerin Jack" could mean the legend "Hammerin" Jack that rode up every mountain in a fast cadence. Or it could mean "Hammerin" Jack, the Jack that stole every girl away from Dick with his physical moves. Hmmmm. Which Jack is it that Helga is attracted to?

"Yes," said Helga.

"Huh? What? Was I thinking out loud again?" asked Dick.

"Yes," said Helga. "Hammerin' Jack has both stolen and broken my heart many times. The last time I saw him was on the annual 'Coast to Hood' bicycle race last fall. I said goodbye to him at the coast in Seaside, OR, and three hours later he was over 100 miles away at the summit of Mt. Hood." She stopped briefly. "I later found out that he was there with HER, Pattycake Road, the famous alpine mountain biker. He broke my heart for the last time, and if I ever see him again, I'll . . . "

"I'll...I'll...I'll...probably fall all over him again. Who I am kidding. Hammerin Jack is legendary and makes my heart flutter. Legendary in that he rode those 100 miles to Mt Hood in three hours and that was after stopping to fix three flats along the way, replace his chain, and have breakfast in the middle. Legendary in his love making too. That time when passion over came us and he pulled me off my bike, kissed me while wildly tearing off my clothes, and making love that caused my toes to curl. Of course that's because I still had on my cycling tights, but it was exciting none the less."

But now there's Pattycake Road. What does she have that I don't (except three Olympic Gold Medals)?"

A cool ten million bucks, that's what she has that I don't" she said gritting her teeth. Pattycake Road's father had been an importer and exporter, imported fine bikes from eastern Europe, condoms from Japan, and Veggimite from down under. He did well on everything he touched, except for Pattycake's mother who took him for......

a vacation to the south of France one summer early in their marriage. While there Abby (Pattycake's mother) met and had a brief, but torrid affair with the famous French cyclist, Michel Le Champoeg. Pattycake was born the following spring. Was Pattycake really the love child of Michel Le Champoeg and Abby Road? Or, was she the legitimate offspring of Abby and her husband Skid?

Helga now knew what she must do to eliminate Pattycake from Hammerin' Jack's and her life forever.

Then Dick turned around from the window, walked up to Helga and embraced her. He wispered in her ear, "Helga forget Hammerin' Jack, he ain't hammerin' no more, if you get my drift, he's a stammerin' now". Helga looked Dick in the eye, shocked she said, "it was the bike seat wasn't it, wasn't it!". Dick looked, and nodded his head, "we all told him it wasn't set right, the knot head wouldn't listen, behind his back he was known as numb nuts, use to crack us all up".
Helga looked at Dick, a little smile appeared in the corner of those full, pink lips of hers, she said .........

"Dick, let's go to the south of France. Haven't you always wanted to go there, mon amour?"

Dick was surprised. "Mais, oui, but what brought this up all of a sudden? What about XMAS, Sara, LordOpie, and the others? They're waiting for us in Colorado."

"Dick! Gosh! What's more important? The future of life as we know it on this planet or our love life? . . . I knew you'd agree. Now, here's what we have to do . . . "

"First we need to learn French. "mon amour?" and "Mais, oui" are all the words we know."

Dick, nodding his head, agreed saying "We can't go to France and function there unless I know how to say the essentials like "I need a hotel room quickly" and "Please have Room Service bring a container of whipped cream here now."

Helga replied "I hope you have me in mind for that whipped cream rather than strawberries"

"Of course Helga. In addition what I also am thinking is ...."

that I can use my trusty pocket electronic translator/tire pump. I've only used it for flats so far, but let's try it out and see how it works. Type in an English sentence, Helga, then we'll see what it says in French."

Helga thought, then typed in English. Immediately, the French translation appeared on the screen: Dick, je suis prêt pour vous à lécher la crème fouettée de mon corps.

"Parfait!" said Dick. "Now, all we need is . . . .

Then in mid sentence they heard the mail slot in the door, they both went to the entry hall to see what was going on. On the floor below the mail slot was a business card, that was it, nothing else. Helga looked at Dick, he picked it up, it only had one word on the printed side:

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d126/telehammer/snowy.gif

On the back in her handwriting it said simply "call me you big Dick"
Helga was looking over Dick's shoulder at the card, "who is that, and wtf, it's nearly midnight?"
He half smiled and told Helga "Snowy, a reporter for Velo News out of Colorado, a real knock out, and good at what she does, 'every thing' she does". With that last remark Helga gave Dick a love pat on the butt, "you get around, don't you, you're kind of shifty aren't you"
Dick's expression was taking on a bit more seriousness as he said "I guess that explains who was taking pictures of us in the car, I doubt they will turn up in Velo News, she'll no doubt post them on the forum's joke pages, damn!" " Helga, we must go to Colorado now, if Snowy is on this story......

Is Snowy was in on this, that could mean the return of Andrea.
He felt a lurch inside himself, it seemed like just yesterday
that...

Andrea stepped out from the shower glistening, and everything was so much simpler. It seemed like a lifetime ago, he just wanted to 'get some sleep before he travels, but if....