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but if she had more of those juju beans he knew he was sunk.

He realized that he was sunk, juju beans or not.
Helga and Dick were up and packing when they heard the cab pull up to Helga's house. Dick went to open the door to let the driver in, "Hot damn!, Kris Pistorfferson, how ya doing my man?" Kris smiled, said he was doin' alright, gave Dick a man hug and came in to get the bikes and bags. Helga came out of her room with bags on her shoulder, and a tired look in her eye, said hello to Pistofferson, who managed a grunt and a nod with his jaw dropped. Dick smiled, "she's something, huh?"
They all threw their stuff in the back of the van, then jumped in to head to National Airport and Helga's plane. Dick and helga both grabbed their noses, "damn Kris, what has your dog been rolling in dude?!??" Kris was embarassed, "sorry guy's, can't get the thing to stop rolling in crap, I think he found a dead fish last night, any ideas on how I can get him to stop?" Dick was rolling down the window for fresh air, "I don't know man, post it on Bike Forums, maybe somebody will know"
As they rolled up to the Cessna Citation waiting to take Helga to Colorado Springs, FormulaBen was just finishing up the pre-flight checklist and told them to stash their gear in the hold. Dick hugged Helga, " I'll see you there....

Helga, surprised, asked "why aren't you going along?"

Dick replied somewhat embarrassed "ForumlaBen is a nice guy but I can't get in a plane he pilots. I watched him ride his bike and he gets confused with whether it's the right or left shifter to switch the big to small chainring. I can't bear to get in a plane where this bumbling idiot is at the control."

"So you think it's okay for me to fly with him then"

Dick backtracks, stumbling with his words "uh...no....I mean....well, it's like this..."

FormulaBen has the Cessna started, the engines whining, and says "Forget him Helga. Close the cabin door. It'll be just you and me in the air and I'll take you to new heights."

"Thanks, Ben," said Helga, as she glared at Dick, realizing at last what a true wuss he was. She found her seat, sat down, and looked sadly out the window and watched as the retreating Dick became smaller and smaller.

"Helga," said FormulaBen over the loudspeaker. "We'll be taking off in just a few minutes, but before we do, could you . . .

"Help me decide which one of the pedals in the gas and which is the brake? Ha, just kidding!

Besides that Dick is a limp wuss. Me, I'm up for anything. I can stand up on attention on a moments notice. Just solute and I'm your man, so to speak.

So tell me, sweet Helga, where do you want to fly to and I'll put the plane on autopilot. Of course that is
assuming I can find which of these funny looking boxes is the autopilot. Got you thinking again, didn't I?"

"Oh . . . . " sighed Helga. "Moments ago I was madly in love with Dick. Before that, I was wild about Hammerin' Jack. In these few seconds I've known you, however, you've swept me off my feet. Oh, FormulaBill, I love you, and I'll love you forever and ever. We'll always be together, won't we? Huh, Bill?? You'll love me forever, won't you?? WON'T YOU?"

"Um, it's FormulaBen . . . " replied Ben, as visions of Fatal Instinct rushed through his head. He had to think quickly. He realized that the only way he could get away from crazy Helga was to . . .

"Oh the Fatal Instinct situation I've always thought about but never realized I might be confronted with. Helga doesn't look the type but one can never be too safe. Then again, she forgot my name so quickly" thought FormulaBen.

Helga asked "Bill, er Ben. What is going on in your mind? You don't look so good. Why you look a little pale. Come here big boy and let me put some color back into your complexion."

"Step back, st..st..st..step back", Ben mumbled. "What is that shiny thing behind your back, Helga."

"Nothing Bill. Whoops, silly me. I did it again. Sorry about that Ben. It's just my...."

CARVING KNIFE!!"

FormulaBen looked around as he heard the shrieking violins from Psycho over the loudspeaker. "Helga, darling. Don't you need to put away the knife and keep it clean for Thanksgiving? If you use it now, it'll get dull, and we won't be able to carve the turkey, dear . . . " He stuttered as he tried to think of ways to calm her down.

Helga was moving toward him like a cane toad lurching toward a fly. FormulaBen tried to hide his relief as behind her he saw . . .

the DVD Helga was going to slip into the player on "How to Land an Airplane." The ever observant Helga noticed a pilot training checklist from the Acme Pilot Training Institute and Rodent Control that Ben successfuly completed the module on "How to Take Off" but the checks stopped at that point. Ben hadn't make it to the landing part yet.

Ben took a deep sigh. He wasn't going to die from Helga stabbing him. He might trying to land the plane but that was hours off.

"Helga, what should we do now?"

As soon as he asked that question, FormulaBen wished he could retract it. Why did he have to be so polite and ask the "right" thing? He didn't really want to know what she wanted to do. He was still a little nervous about her sudden near-fatal attachment to him. Okay, not a little nervous. A LOT nervous.

Helga looked at him as if she could see right through him. "What I want to do now is . . . "

sit back, relax and enjoy a nice flight to Colorado. I'm sorry to have to put you through all that, it was a test to see if you were the real FormulaBen, you see they told me all about your personality, and I was told how you'd react if it was indeed you. Will there be anyone else on the flight Ben?"

FormulaBen looked relieved, but was still a bit on edge, he wasn't sure that she wouldn't change into Ms. Hyde again at any moment. He told her that Sara and Stacey were in the terminal, and as soon as they came out they could get the show on the road (a freak show so far, he thought). Ben showed Helga the way the seat belts worked, using that little belt that he held up nose high just as the FAA demanded that he do. Then when he finished up, Stacey and Sara came walking up to the plane arm in arm. Stacey came into the cabin, took one look at Helga and said.....

"You don't look the same Helga. Are you alright?" Stacey thought Helga has a strange apperance, with haunting eyes and a tired, troubled air, alternating with a sinister laugh.

FormulaBen picked with on Stacey's concern. On one hand, here is the exciting Helga he knew from the past. Then, on the other hand, he saw the Ms. Hyde side and the enjoyment she got from scaring him with the behind the back knife, psycho thing.

What is this with Helga? Could things be catching up with her? Has she cracked? Or does she like perverted things like threatening him Fatal Attraction style and watching him nervous and worried about what happens next?

Helga could see that they were all looking at her with fear and concern, and she didn't like it. "I was just trying to have fun and be silly," she thought, "and they didn't get it."

Just as she was about to say something to the group, her Blackberry went off. It was a message from none other than . . .

Dick. She looked down and saw the message "Hii helba, itts dick. wHere ar yOu? I missss you. Typinng with Thummbs is so hard for Dick to do"

Her heart started fluttering like a moth attracted to a trailer park porch light.

"DeeaR Dick. i Wamt u. i onbly wabnt u. cume to mee, dIck." She pressed send, and waited for her true love to respond.

Sora and Stacey, though, had other plans . . .

Sora and Stacey were there to get Helga to go through a battery of tests. The kind of tests to see if Helga had it all together. Regardless of the reason, Helga had passionate desires for Dick, Hammerin Jack, FormulaBen,and ForumlaBill. Hell, she didn't know who Bill was but she wanted him too.

Deep down, Helga knew the problem related to her complusive, obsessive need to bike. She wanted a Trek, She wanted a Cannondale. She wanted Lightspeed. She wanted a Specialized. Is there no end?

In walked the doctor. He said Helga. I've seen this way too often. I know what you need. It's......

to distance yourself from all sources of desire. Just as you want all the bike paraphernalia that you read about on BF's OCP threads, you want all the men you meet. I know that you want me, too, but that's understandable. The only cure is to remove yourself completely from the company of men for an extended period of time. You must leave immediately and go to MOAB, which is short for . . . "

Men on another base (MOAB) , which means they don't have any interest in you. You might see men, but they won't have the least bit of attraction to you.

It's important for you to get rid of the complusion. You won't see any men that have interest in you. The only bikes you'll see are rusty old 30 lb steel frame ones that your grandfather rode to school. There is no CF, Al, Ti, or anything other than heavy, clunky old bikes.

As much as you are attracted to me, which is we all can understand of course, you cannot be tempted by men or bikes. You are an OCP and you must admit it.

By the way, how long will we need to break you of this addiction and how much coverage will you insurance provide?