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12-14-05, 09:29 AM
Dear Dogs,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and
cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. I have been
using the bathroom for years--canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture .)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours,
and does not speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because
they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are
easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends,
don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy
the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell, or even eat their children.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and
cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. I have been
using the bathroom for years--canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture .)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours,
and does not speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because
they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are
easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends,
don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy
the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell, or even eat their children.