Jokes & Humor - Airline Attendant Humor

Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from Alaska Air flight attendants...

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.

There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, and something I always do.) We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

Yes. I had this flight attendent once...from Phoenix to Ontario CA.

Alaska Air hires out of work comediennes, I think.

For example:

"For those of you that have been living in a cave, this is a seat belt."

But what else should we expect from an airline that puts a picture of Charles Manson on the tails of their birds?

:lol:

I've heard "Whoever leaves the plane last, cleans it"

Once the flight attendant actually sang the whole before-takeoff spiel. I was a little embarrassed for her :P

On a nice little De Havilland twin prop Toronto to Baltimore.

OK, so we have fifteen of you today, any one not flown before?

No virgins, excellent, then I'll do the short version.

Exits over the wings, life jackets beneath the seats, oxygen masks drop out of the ceiling, put them on in the usual fashion. Seats up, belts on, read the cards and enjoy your flight. Any questions?

And a few more for you. (http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/announce.asp)

Friend and I were returning from India years ago when the widebodied 747s were in use on TWA, meaning it seemed there were 1000s of pax on board

Land, takeoff, land, take off Bombay, Dharhan, Cairo, Athens, Rome and Madrid
Finally somewhere over the ocean next stop NYC a little kid starts tooling in the aisles on a small ticycle, the FA twice piks up the brat and takes him forward
On his 3rd trip my traveling partner piks up the brat, takes him to the exit door and loudly sez,,, anyone want to claim this little ba----d before I open the door an throw him to the sharks?, Woman in black gown rushes back and starts yellin at partner in something we didn't understand and takes kid forword. FA comes up to partner laffing and laffing,said thanks, you want a job?
Gave us free drinks to NYC...never saw the brat again

About 20 years ago I was on a 727 landing in Louisville, Kentucky in what must have been some vicious crosswinds. After a hard landing we were lined up to exit the plane. A little old lady asked the flight attendant, "Honey, did we just land or did we crash?"

That's better than the usual dry spiel. It's a relief to find real people somewhere in the whole institutional airport/airline experience. Alaska is one of my favorites, especially the planes with the tiny passenger cabin and the large freight section on the other side of the bulkhead in front of the cabin. It makes for fast loading and unloading and a rather quiet flight.

I love the account of the out of control parent(s) who did nothing to regulate their kid until you were ready to (pretend to) toss him overboard. It's better than buying the little batardo a drink.

On a nice little De Havilland twin prop Toronto to Baltimore.

OK, so we have fifteen of you today, any one not flown before?

No virgins, excellent, then I'll do the short version.

Exits over the wings, life jackets beneath the seats, oxygen masks drop out of the ceiling, put them on in the usual fashion. Seats up, belts on, read the cards and enjoy your flight. Any questions?

Excellent. I experienced a version of that on a Turkish Airlines flight in a remote part of eastern Turkey. All the other passengers were local Turks. After the full safety announcement in Turkish, it was repeated for me in English. Courtesy, Yes. DC-3s were still being used in that area.

Friend and I were returning from India years ago when the widebodied 747s were in use on TWA, meaning it seemed there were 1000s of pax on board

Land, takeoff, land, take off Bombay, Dharhan, Cairo, Athens, Rome and Madrid
Finally somewhere over the ocean next stop NYC a little kid starts tooling in the aisles on a small ticycle, the FA twice piks up the brat and takes him forward
On his 3rd trip my traveling partner piks up the brat, takes him to the exit door and loudly sez,,, anyone want to claim this little ba----d before I open the door an throw him to the sharks?, Woman in black gown rushes back and starts yellin at partner in something we didn't understand and takes kid forword. FA comes up to partner laffing and laffing,said thanks, you want a job?
Gave us free drinks to NYC...never saw the brat again

My dad did something like that, too...except he is a cop and has a twisted mind.

Similar story on an Eastern flight out of Rochester (dating myself:rolleyes: )

Once his humorous safety briefing was over we started the power roll down the runway. He says "Heeeeeeeeerrrre we Go!" about mid-way down the runway, just before rotation, he starts blowing this train whistle over the intercom. Woooooooo, Woooooooooo, WooWoooo, and off we go.

Pretty funny stuff when you're sick of travelling for a living.:p

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.



I would never say this. Too good a chance some idiot smoker would try going to the smoking section.

A male attendant gave the speech on one of the hundreds of flights I endured while in the Army. At the end he said, "If there is anything at all we can do to make your flight any more pleasant, please, please, ask one of the women."

I've heard a few preflight speeches delivered this way. I can understand that flight attendants get bored in their jobs and want to spice things up, but it seems kind of stupid and immature to me to muck around with anything related to safety. Just my grumpy opinion.

I've heard a few preflight speeches delivered this way. I can understand that flight attendants get bored in their jobs and want to spice things up, but it seems kind of stupid and immature to me to muck around with anything related to safety. Just my grumpy opinion.

Disagree. You don't need teh talk at all. Everything is in the fold up in the seat pocket in front of you. The talk is because almost no one read it. But almost no one listens to the talk either. If they add a little then perhaps a few more will actually listen.

:lol:

I've heard "Whoever leaves the plane last, cleans it"

Once the flight attendant actually sang the whole before-takeoff spiel. I was a little embarrassed for her :P


The PA announcer at the New Orleans airport would say things like "Frank Sinatra! Please pick up one of the white courtesy phones. Dean Martin wants to talk to you." Or, "Elvis has just left the building."


I was once on a wide-body plane and they had two stewardesses doing the safety thing. They were in perfect synchronization throughout the oxygen mask, the seatbelt, the paths to the exits, etc. People clapped when it was over.

as we were coming into windy wellington one blustery day, the pilot said that there could be a few bumps on the descent and [pause] the landing into wellington will be [pause] where the fun begins ... the plane pitched and bucked and twisted and folks were screaming and hanging to each other and the seats in front, when from the back was a kids loud voice shouting "wahooooo! wahoooo!" like it was an amusement park ride ... definitely settled the plane down!

I was on a plane once that landed so hard that a bunch of the overhead compartments came open and about half of the oxygen masks dropped down out of their little hiding places. You don't really expect to ever see those little yellow masks coming at you unless something severe just happened. Woke everyone right up. Pretty sure the flight attendant said something funny as we taxied to the gate, but I was too busy trying not to let anyone see I'd wet myself. This was on TWA, right before they went tits up.

DC-3s. Cool, Ken!

I was flying out of Raliegh/Durham a couple of months ago and the FA had a funny, non-standard briefing. The only part I remember is when she said "in the event the cabin loses pressure, yellow oxygen masks will drop from the overhead compartment, stop screaming, place the mask over your face and then assist children and disabled passengers."

I was one of two passengers on a 737 flying from Toronto to Ottawa. They didn't even bother with the safety demonstration -- the flight attendant just laughed and said "If you need anything, I'll be in the back".

Then there was the time I landed in a 747 in Vancouver in an unusually heavy snowstorm, with snow still on the runway. As we taxied to the gate, I overheard a flight attendant say "I can't believe we actually landed!" :D

I appreciated the cabin crew, all one of him or her, on the rural Turkish Airlines flights I took. Entire safety speil in Turkish, repeated in English for yours truly alone.

Does Anyone on here remeber Fostr Brooks??

He was a comedian who faked a drunkard voice.

He did the pilots breifing while airborne on a flight once, and of course told the story sevral times.
I thought that was funny.


I have been on planes where they do the light hearted breifings, but never on a Major airline. Always been on Southwest, or Frontier or similar small airline. (yea small, right)