Foo - discipline issues

my kids often act up when i telll them to do something, for example, to put their plate in the dishwasher, or to put some of their toys away. i have tried everything, and i am running out of options. i want them to grow up right, so i thought that i might physically discipline them. would this have any adverse effects, and is it legal?

I was paddled as a child and let me tell you I am thankful for it every single day.
I see kids running around in Wal-mart. This kid runs around screaming swinging the wal-mart bag holder. The checkout lady is putting stuff when it goes spinning. Nearly broke her wrist. And the parents were so ****ing stupid just running around chasing the, which only encourages the kids to act stupid.
Parents need to grow a backbone and get more serious about disciplining their kids and letting them know what is expected of them and why.

And is physical the only option? No, it is not. There is rewards system, there is taking things away, there are long lecturs, etc.

is it common to paddle your children in texas?

the school i went to paddled me a couple times... my parents stopped cus i wouldn't put up with it...


anyway, take away their allowance, and act like they need you more than you need them... but also like you care about them.

If you hurt your kids they can be taken away from you, legally. If you strike them in public, such as in a Wal-Mart, they can be taken away from you legally. Unfortunately, there are too many busy bodies who didn't have enough time to have their own kids, but they sure know how you should raise yours. There are is another small group who were not successful raising their own, so they figure they ought to interfere with you raising yours. They mean well, but I think when a child is way out of hand, they need to know you mean business and sometimes that involves physical punishment. Hopefully, these instances are rare.

is it common to paddle your children in texas?
I'm not originally from Texas and have only lived her for the latter part of my life.

If you hurt your kids they can be taken away from you, legally. If you strike them in public, such as in a Wal-Mart, they can be taken away from you legally. Unfortunately, there are too many busy bodies who didn't have enough time to have their own kids, but they sure know how you should raise yours. There are is another small group who were not successful raising their own, so they figure they ought to interfere with you raising yours. They mean well, but I think when a child is way out of hand, they need to know you mean business and sometimes that involves physical punishment. Hopefully, these instances are rare.
Yeah. It's why its best to start while they're young so they don't get to the point where they think they can run over you. I don't believe in ever having to hit a child.

Spank them ? yes
Grab them by the ear when they are misbehaving in public? yes
Both are very extremely effective from my personal experience. :p

You could try calling super nanny. Or give them a spanking which is probably less embarassing.

I was never physically disciplined, and i turned out just fine.

however, I think i'm an exception. I have no problem with spanking children. It's not my preferred mode of discipline, but I don't doubt its efficacy.

hmmmm... get a really ugly, mean, fat, one eyed woman to take care of them at times when they are too unruly.... they'll be nice. :D

so seriously what are the laws. are you allowed to paddle your kid without fear of lawsuit?

I would do the minus system. If they are young and get an allowance, I would give them a list of everyday chores that they need to accomplish. Such as:

Make your bed
Pick up your toys
Put away your laundry
Do recycling
Put away dishes
Sweep floor
Feed the dog
Clear the table

Say they start out with an allowance of $5.00 (for a 7 year old for example). For every chore NOT done, take away a certain amount (15 to 25 cents) per chore depending upon importance of the chore. Do this on a piece of paper somewhere they can see it all of the time, like on the fridge. They will be able to SEE the consequence of not being responsible. If the deductions go past the allowance amount, keep deducting as an "owed" expense. Tell them that if they do extra chores without you asking, they will get a "bonus" of 15 to 25 cents per chore but they have to show you what they did to earn the bonus.

so seriously what are the laws. are you allowed to paddle your kid without fear of lawsuit?
No, if you hit your kids it is called child abuse. Paddling is hitting your kids. But, let's face it, there are plenty of kids getting a paddling and it does more to help than to hurt. I'm not in favor of striking a child, but I also recognize some kids really test your will power. Also, after you've taken away the stereo, the toys, the video games, the TV, the playtime, the soccer league game, and (God forbid) the bike, what's left? When I was a kid, punishment included going to bed without supper. But that's lost favor today as well. Probably a bad idea anyway.
One thing that I found works, praise when the kid does it the right way. That way he/she knows life can be good if they just follow the rules or make the grade. Constant punishment, negative motivation, becomes meaningless no matter what it is. Kids fear losing approval once they've attained it, but they have to know they have approval in order to want to keep it.

I would do the minus system. If they are young and get an allowance, I would give them a list of everyday chores that they need to accomplish. Such as:

Make your bed
Pick up your toys
Put away your laundry
Do recycling
Put away dishes
Sweep floor
Feed the dog
Clear the table

Say they start out with an allowance of $5.00 (for a 7 year old for example). For every chore NOT done, take away a certain amount (15 to 25 cents) per chore depending upon importance of the chore. Do this on a piece of paper somewhere they can see it all of the time, like on the fridge. They will be able to SEE the consequence of not being responsible. If the deductions go past the allowance amount, keep deducting as an "owed" expense. Tell them that if they do extra chores without you asking, they will get a "bonus" of 15 to 25 cents per chore but they have to show you what they did to earn the bonus.
With some children that works, with others you'll hear 'I don't care take the whole d**n allowance away. We went crazy with one child trying to find that hot button that got his attention. It wasn't money or toys. But when we took away TV time, BINGO! That was his hot button that got his attention.

Oh well, heck. I tried.

Then instead of an allowance, you could minus TV time in minutes then.

With some children that works, with others you'll hear 'I don't care take the whole d**n allowance away. We went crazy with one child trying to find that hot button that got his attention. It wasn't money or toys. But when we took away TV time, BINGO! That was his hot button that got his attention.
Hahahahhahah
Yes.
You just gotta find that thing :p

Parenting comes down to setting boundries, being consistant and following through with your threats (time outs, taking TV time away, taking computer time away, etc.). Most problems I see stem from parents not being consistent and giving idle threats i.e. if you do that one more time...

Kids are smart and know what your limits are and they will keep testing the limits. I'm not an expert, just a parent, but setting bounries and being consistent and following through with consequences seems to work for us.

As for physical punishment I'm not big on hitting kids but I am not opposed to giving them a quick swat on the rear to get their attention. I havn't had to do that in several years with my 10 and 7 year old.

Not sure this works for everyone, but it works for us and we receive many compliments on our kids behavior from other adults.

Parenting comes down to setting boundries, being consistant and following through with your threats (time outs, taking TV time away, taking computer time away, etc.). Most problems I see stem from parents not being consistent and giving idle threats i.e. if you do that one more time...

Kids are smart and know what your limits are and they will keep testing the limits. I'm not an expert, just a parent, but setting bounries and being consistent and following through with consequences seems to work for us.

As for physical punishment I'm not big on hitting kids but I am not opposed to giving them a quick swat on the rear to get their attention. I havn't had to do that in several years with my 10 and 7 year old.

Not sure this works for everyone, but it works for us and we receive many compliments on our kids behavior from other adults.

+1

Communucate your expectations, often, and clearly. Be consistent - make sure you don't make up new expectations on a whim, and match your words with your deeds. Often, tone of voice, or holding their wrist or forearm a bit more firmly than they're comfortable with, looking them straight in the eye and in a quiet, but "means business" tone will get their full attention if they're misbehaving. This you can even do in public without looking like a fool. The swat on the rear may, or may not accompany this, depending on circumstances.

Ours are 20 and 14, and despite bit of age specific moodiness, seem to be doing pretty well.

my kids often act up when i telll them to do something, for example, to put their plate in the dishwasher, or to put some of their toys away. i have tried everything, and i am running out of options. i want them to grow up right, so i thought that i might physically discipline them. would this have any adverse effects, and is it legal?
when you start using your hand on a child instead of words looks like you lost control and it will only get worst. Is it legal? humm... till you leave a mark it is.. violence on your own child is teaching them to use violence to resolve issues. To grow up right is to learn consequences to your actions..you can learn by knowing that a certain favorite toy of yours will be taken away or you wont get to go to your favorite place if you act up. that of course it just my opinion and it worked for my kids.. you get them where it hurts the most and that place when they are young is often the little things they enjoy the most like taking away the right to go snowboarding ect.. physical harm can not only be illegal but will leave a permenant mark on how they react towards other people in life to resolve issues and will probably make you feel very badly about yourself for hitting your kid.. or i would hope so.

I've got to disagree. Since we as parents have had the tool of corporal punishment removed from our disipline aresnal, there has been a marked increase in out of control youth. Indisputable.

I don't advocate beating children, any contact on the head or metted out in a fit of frustration, anger or rage. But a sharp crack on the arse can be a powerful corrective motivator.

The disipline guidelines I had, since I can remember, was: Ask once, tell once, smack. As I got older 'The Look' predicated 'ask once'. Mom was a strict but fair diciplinarian. From this I've learned right from wrong. Please, thank you and you're welcome are part of my daily vocabulary (I abhor 'yep or uh huh' as a response to "thank you") . Respect and courtesy aren't something alien to me. This is indicative of a vast majority of us folks in the 40+ age group. From what I've seen, this is sorely lacking in the current crop of 14-30 old.

The premis that violence begets violence is hogwash. I have two daughters 16 and 20 in their combined 36 years aside from some occasional corrective finger slaps as toddlers, I've had to issue ONE 'spanking', and that was one swat on the ass after dialog had broken down and stubborness set in.

My favorite response to the "You can't spank me, you'll go to jail" is "Yes, I can. If you feel the need to call the police and report me for spanking you, let me dial the number for you. But, remember if you do, yes they are going to put me in jail, but they are also going to put you in a group or foster home... neither place is anywhere as cushy and comfortable as what you have now. There will be no one ther that loves you as much as your parents. Now, would you like me to dial the police for you?

Paddling is an effective punishment. It's worked for thousands of years and only in last 30 or so has it suddenly been thought to be "abusive".

Like TexasGuy said....I am thankful I got paddled because it helped set me right. There are some rules of thumb I've heard from the "experts" though. For example, paddle with "something" other than your hand. My father used a belt. Some parents make their kids get a "switch" (very small tree branch) and use that. My dad would often say as he was paddling me, "I'm only doing this because I love you".

Another thing that worked on me:

Grounding. I hated being grounded. The only problem was my parents were often pushovers and would take away my "grounded status" after a day or two. If you ground the kids, stick to it for how long you said or it doesn't intimdate them because they "know" it won't last very long.

As a child growing up in recent years, I will have to say spanking is mandatory. I don't get spanked anymore; my parents consider me to be responible enough and old enough to not need a spanking. There were times, though. One thing to make sure of though: never, ever, ever spank your child in anger. This will merely make your child fear you WAY TO MUCH. Tell them that you are doing it because you love them. They might not understand, because they are not yet mature enough too see, but, that, I think, is the most important thing to drill into their heads. They will cry and bawl and beg for mercy, etc., but don't give in; if you give them a victory, they'll use it against you next time.

This almost sounds like taming a horse..........................

Oh, yeah, my dad and mum used a fly swatter. Not much initial weight, but man it stings!

One thing to make sure of though: never, ever, ever spank your child in anger. This will merely make your child fear you WAY TO MUCH.
VERY GOOD POINT!

When it comes to spankings, the line between "Discipline" and "Hitting/Abusing" needs to be absolutely clear. If you get pissed off and want to spank the kid(s) then in my opinion you are hitting/abusing them. If they aren't listening and you feel the spank is for their benefit (listening to adults is a good thing) and not to relieve your current stress over the situation, that's discipline.

I think as long as it's obvious that you are choosing to spank them because of their actions and not because of your reactions, then ok.

I wasn't spanked often as a child. Mostly because my mom couldn't handle the emotional aspect of it and my father has an iron hand (from years of manual labor) and they didn't want to actually hurt me just teach me a lesson. The one that I remember most...

I was maybe 7 and in my bedroom with a lighter (parents smoked). I was flicking it on and off and then occasionally running the flame quickly against things in my room. My dad happened to be in the backyard and saw the flashes of flame through my window. When he came up to the window, I was running the lighter across a wool blanket.

I heard him come storming in to the house so I hid the lighter. He came in my room and demanded to know where it was... I lied to him and said I didn't have one. Then he told me about seeing me through the window. After I got the verbal riot act about that I could have burnt down the house, he demanded again to know where it was. I lied again. Then I had 3 seconds to give it to him. I got it to him in 1.

Had I given up the lighter right away, I probably would have just been grounded but because I was lying to him about not playing with the lighter... That. Friggin. Hurt.

About an hour later he came in to my room and explained why he spanked me and that he didn't like that he had to do it.

I was paddled a lot, can't say I'm worse off for it. That said, I've only spanked one of my two sons once and that was for repeatedly hitting another kid. It made a big impression on him and he never did it again. (I was sick to my stomach doing it - now I know what "This hurts me more that you" means.)

I try to link punishments to the act - misbehaving with a particular toy gets the toy put away for X amount of time; repeatedly leaving toy at bottom of stairs - toy goes in the trash (okay, I waited until it wasn't his favorite to make my point). Failing that, its lost privileges, usually access to the computer. When they're little, a time out usually worked.

I know this will sound like a stereotype, but when my boys start to act up I take them out for a long hike. Sometimes they're like puppies - not enough exercise leads to poor behavior.

My mother, who raised 4 kids and taught kindergarden for 30 years summed it up like this: "Sometimes you just want to throw them out the window. That's a normal feeling. Just don't do it."

Paddling is an effective punishment. It's worked for thousands of years and only in last 30 or so has it suddenly been thought to be "abusive".
I would guess primarily because of the relatively small number of sad cases where paddling is used abusively. As far as I know, it's legal if you don't hurt the child (bruises raise eyebrows).

Maybe you should check out a book or two on raising kids and the proper situations for various levels of discipline. You can probably look up some recommendations on parenting forums. Not to sound like a shameless plug or anything, but I imagine the Christian-oriented forums would be more likely to discuss the topic of physical discipline seriously. Less of the "it might it their feelings" crap that leaves kids growing up thinking that the only thing that matters in the world is themselves.

I (I was sick to my stomach doing it - now I know what "This hurts me more that you" means.)...snip

My mother, who raised 4 kids and taught kindergarden for 30 years summed it up like this: "Sometimes you just want to throw them out the window. That's a normal feeling. Just don't do it."

I admit I'm not married and don't have kids, but I'm still dubious that it really hurt my dad more than me. :rolleyes:

And even having never raised kids, I always feel like throwing them out the window. Sometimes in the case of my younger siblings, I did it (well, off the couch/porch/snow fort, actually).

Well, each kid and each parent is different. I was punished physically a lot as a kid and it was always with a very angry faced Father. If you want a reference as to what he looked like, see the motorist vs. courier thread in advocacy. My whole family was pretty violent, except my mother.

As a result, I refused to physically punish my two daughters and they've both turned out sensationally - actually they're much more in control and mature than I am. My 18 year old is entering her senior year in college and my youngest makes me just as proud.

One definition I heard of discipline was that it was "teaching" your children the rules. I spend and have spent a lot of time explaining why certain things need to be done a certain way.

Still, I don't disagree whatsoever with the notion that parents should be allowed to swat their kids. Too many young 'uns today think they can get away with anything at school and at home. They carry that attitude into public and one day they'll have their asses kicked and deservedly so. Over pampering isn't going to prepare them for the "real" world. It will do them a disservice. But, I'm still going to argue that most young people are pretty decent. It's only that the loudest, most obnoxious demand the most attention.

As far as the OP, as suggested by a few, I'd personally just keep on being consistent and have consequences laid down. I'd explain why it is only fair that they contribute to household responsibility and ask them why it is fair. I'd be clear beforehand as to what will result should they not uphold their end.

Actually, I think your kids will turn out just fine. At least, you're investing the time in them, rather than surrendering or turning a blind eye to whatever they do. In the end, that'll pay dividends big time.

Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done!!!

thanks for the great advice everyone!
i cant believe it was free!!!!:P

Good post KeithA!