cruentus
02-06-06, 12:37 PM
Q: Why are only two pallbearers needed for lawyer funerals?
A: Because a garbage can only has two handles.
A: Because a garbage can only has two handles.
Jokes & Humor - Lawyer Joke
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bkaapcke
02-14-06, 06:24 PM
A lawyer and his client are stranded on a deserted island. Each day, 0ne of them climbs a coconut tree to get coconuts and look for any ships to signal. One day the client sees the tide pushing something towards shore. It's a naked woman who appears to be dead. After checking for pulse, &c, they determine she is just unconcious. Client asks; should we screw her? Lawyer answers; "out of what?
bk, a recovering attorney.
bk, a recovering attorney.
ChAnMaN
02-14-06, 09:19 PM
what do you call an honest lawyer?
oxymoron
oxymoron
cruentus
02-14-06, 10:56 PM
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
---------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
----------------------------------------
Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
A: His lips are moving.
---------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
----------------------------------------
Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
msviolin57
02-15-06, 08:05 AM
A guy storms out of his lawyer's office and heads into the bar across the street.
"All lawyers are a$$holes," he yells.
"Hey, I resent that!" says a guy at the end of the bar.
"Why?" asks the bartender. "Are you a lawyer?"
"No," the guy says. "I'm an a$$hole."
"All lawyers are a$$holes," he yells.
"Hey, I resent that!" says a guy at the end of the bar.
"Why?" asks the bartender. "Are you a lawyer?"
"No," the guy says. "I'm an a$$hole."
cerewa
02-15-06, 02:48 PM
bk, a recovering attorney.
Heheh, I guess I've just started the addiction. I'm a law student and want to work to improve international trade policy as it relates to poverty. :)
Heheh, I guess I've just started the addiction. I'm a law student and want to work to improve international trade policy as it relates to poverty. :)
Prisoner
02-16-06, 03:57 AM
The thread title says it all...."Lawyer Joke".
scottogo
02-17-06, 11:21 AM
Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
WalterMitty
03-10-06, 09:15 AM
What do you have when your lawyer's up to his neck in cement?
Not enough cement.
Not enough cement.
InfamousG
03-16-06, 04:56 PM
How can you be certain it's cold outside?
The lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
The lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
keithm0
03-18-06, 06:33 AM
Q: How is a lawyer like a sperm cell?
A: They both have a one-in-a-billion chance of becoming a human being.
A: They both have a one-in-a-billion chance of becoming a human being.
eubi
03-20-06, 02:01 PM
99% of all lawyers give the others a bad name.
bikingshearer
03-20-06, 04:06 PM
Heheh, I guess I've just started the addiction. I'm a law student and want to work to improve international trade policy as it relates to poverty. :)
Okay, just put down the case book quielty and calmly and back away slowly. It's okay . . . stay calm and you won't get hurt.
Seriously, if you want to work on refocusing international trade policy so it better addresses poverty in the world, then do that. Having survived law school and almost 20 years of practice, I do not see how anything you will learn in the next three or four years will better prepare you to achieve your stated ambition. I do see, however, how law school will make you so debt-ridden that you will not be able to afford to do anything so altruistic for years to come.
Okay, just put down the case book quielty and calmly and back away slowly. It's okay . . . stay calm and you won't get hurt.
Seriously, if you want to work on refocusing international trade policy so it better addresses poverty in the world, then do that. Having survived law school and almost 20 years of practice, I do not see how anything you will learn in the next three or four years will better prepare you to achieve your stated ambition. I do see, however, how law school will make you so debt-ridden that you will not be able to afford to do anything so altruistic for years to come.
bikingshearer
03-20-06, 04:10 PM
A lawyer's ethical dillema.
A lawyer performs some services for a client . . . does a good, professional job abnd charges $100, a reasonable fee for the services rendered. A few days later, the client drops by and leaves an envelope for the lawyer. In it is a crisp, new $100 bill. But wait - checking again, the lawyer sees that there are two $100 bills, stuck together as brand-new bills sometimes will.
Question: What is the lawyer's dillema?
Answer: Does he have to share the second $100 with his partners?
A lawyer performs some services for a client . . . does a good, professional job abnd charges $100, a reasonable fee for the services rendered. A few days later, the client drops by and leaves an envelope for the lawyer. In it is a crisp, new $100 bill. But wait - checking again, the lawyer sees that there are two $100 bills, stuck together as brand-new bills sometimes will.
Question: What is the lawyer's dillema?
Answer: Does he have to share the second $100 with his partners?
Keith99
03-21-06, 06:17 PM
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy
Professional courtesy
eubi
03-21-06, 07:41 PM
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy
See post #4.
I'm going to sue you for wasting my time. :mad:
Professional courtesy
See post #4.
I'm going to sue you for wasting my time. :mad:
cruentus
03-21-06, 09:41 PM
Q: What's the difference between a dead rat lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks leading up to the rat.
A: There are skid marks leading up to the rat.
bluebottle1
04-12-06, 11:12 AM
A lawyer's ethical dillema.
A lawyer performs some services for a client . . . does a good, professional job abnd charges $100, a reasonable fee for the services rendered. A few days later, the client drops by and leaves an envelope for the lawyer. In it is a crisp, new $100 bill. But wait - checking again, the lawyer sees that there are two $100 bills, stuck together as brand-new bills sometimes will.
Question: What is the lawyer's dillema?
Answer: Does he have to share the second $100 with his partners?
Nonsense. It's a cash payment. The real question is, does he have to share ANY of it with his partners.
A lawyer performs some services for a client . . . does a good, professional job abnd charges $100, a reasonable fee for the services rendered. A few days later, the client drops by and leaves an envelope for the lawyer. In it is a crisp, new $100 bill. But wait - checking again, the lawyer sees that there are two $100 bills, stuck together as brand-new bills sometimes will.
Question: What is the lawyer's dillema?
Answer: Does he have to share the second $100 with his partners?
Nonsense. It's a cash payment. The real question is, does he have to share ANY of it with his partners.
Yan
04-17-06, 08:58 PM
Why all the negativity towards lawyers? What about realtors?
San Rensho
04-19-06, 02:18 PM
A lawyer and his client are stranded on a deserted island. Each day, 0ne of them climbs a coconut tree to get coconuts and look for any ships to signal. One day the client sees the tide pushing something towards shore. It's a naked woman who appears to be dead. After checking for pulse, &c, they determine she is just unconcious. Client asks; should we screw her? Lawyer answers; "out of what?
bk, a recovering attorney.
A lawyer and a Catholic priest are on a boat with 15 kids. The boat starts to sink and the life raft only holds 2 people. The priest, struggling with the dilema, asks the lawyer "My god, only two people fit in the raft, shouldn't we let two of the children take the raft so they can survive?" The lawyer says "F*ck the kids!" The priest replies "Do we have enough time?"
bk, a recovering attorney.
A lawyer and a Catholic priest are on a boat with 15 kids. The boat starts to sink and the life raft only holds 2 people. The priest, struggling with the dilema, asks the lawyer "My god, only two people fit in the raft, shouldn't we let two of the children take the raft so they can survive?" The lawyer says "F*ck the kids!" The priest replies "Do we have enough time?"
scubajim49
05-16-06, 11:12 PM
There was a lady whose husband really loved anal sex. So much that it was all he ever did to his wife. She went to the Drs office and asked if it was bad or not? He asked her how she felt? Do you enjoy it he asked? Yes, she said. Does it hurt he asked? No, she said. The Dr said that as long as she enjoyed it and felt no pain, it was ok, he just said for her not to do it when pregnant.Pregnant? She asked. I didn't know that you could get pregnant from anal sex she said! Damn right said the Doc! Where do you think lawyers come from??
San Rensho
05-17-06, 08:05 AM
What's the difference between a lawyer and a proud rooster?
The proud rooster clucks defiance.
The lawyer .....
The proud rooster clucks defiance.
The lawyer .....
KingTermite
05-17-06, 09:43 AM
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answered one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please."
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the three lawyers crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another restroom nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answered one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please."
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the three lawyers crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another restroom nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
KingTermite
05-17-06, 09:46 AM
Things actually said in court, word for word...
Q:What is your date of birth?
A:July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!i
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cow-shed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did.(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"
Q:What is your date of birth?
A:July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!i
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cow-shed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did.(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"
serjohn
05-17-06, 08:32 PM
What do you call a lawyer with a high i.q.? Your honor.
Knudsen
05-19-06, 12:24 PM
A young boy is in line at the grocery store with his mom. He keeps flipping a quarter up in the air, and catching it in his hand. His mouth is hanging open. Sure enough, he misses, and the quarter goes into his mouth, and he chokes. His mother franticaly pounds him on his back but it does not work. The man in front of him tries the Heimlich maneuver to no avail. He's turnin' blue and it's not looking good. Finally, a distinguished looking middle aged lady walks up to him as cool as a cucumber. With absolutely no facial expression, she grabs him by the nuts, lifts him off the floor, and gives them a good twist. Out pops the quarter. He falls into a fetal poition and grasps his family jewels as he catches up on breathing. The lady says nothing, has no change in expression, and walks back into the line she was waiting in. Once the childs mom realizes the boy is OK and that the other lady saved his life, she approches her and begines to thank her many times. Finally, she calms down and asks, "That was amazing! How did you do that? Are you some sort of doctor?" The Lady calmly replies in a deep Joe Friday monotone, "Divorce attorney."
Prisoner
05-19-06, 05:11 PM
I have a lawyer joke...
Once there was a lawyer...
Once there was a lawyer...
Cavedog
05-29-06, 09:21 PM
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Three. The rest are true stories.
Three. The rest are true stories.
Cavedog
05-29-06, 09:42 PM
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.
bbattle
06-02-06, 09:40 AM
Why all the negativity towards lawyers? What about realtors?
Watch it there, Yan.
Watch it there, Yan.