Foo - Difficult Situation, advice?

Hi all, I was wondering if I could get some insight on a difficult situation. I was hoping you folks could provide some unbiased opinion. You guys are pretty smart and have a lot of good perspective, from what I've read, so I need some help.
Okay, here goes: When i graduated from high school, my parents offered to pay my college tuition to give me the opportunity to go to college, with the understanding that I would perform academically, which I have (3.75 gpa and honors). As the semesters went on, however, one of my parents began to use the money as a guilt mechanism, saying things like "you'll live where I tell you", "you'll choose X major", "you'll come home for the summer", because "I'm paying for you to be at school and thus you're obligated". Some things I let go, to keep the peace, and others I held firm to my own decisions. The comments got worse, though. During my last conversation this parent implied that the money spent on me "had been a waste" because the career I am going into is not acceptable to my parent. It's become such a major guilt trip for me, that I asked my parents not to pay my tuition my senior year, but they paid it behind my back, out of habit, mostly. The good thing is that it will be over with in a few months after I graduate.
My conundrum is this: for various reasons, I would like to not participate in the graduation ceremony. It's a personal choice, mainly because I have a job offer that will kind of conflict with the date, and the other is that I am having a hard enough time leaving my college town and friends, the ceremony will make it harder for me. However, this parent has said that I must walk the line because "you're parents have supported you these years, and you are obligated."
Now, I didn't ask for this money, they offered it to me, and I never took it for granted. My parents paid for my tuition only, I held down a job the entire time I was in school to pay for housing, food, all my living expenses. This, and this guilt trip has made me very resistant to honoring this particular wish of my parent's. When I brought it up, I had to cut the discussion short because it turned very heated and immature.
Would I be out of line in sticking to my decision to not do the ceremony, or should I suck it up one day for family harmony? I don't want to make a hasty decision in anger or anything. Please help.

It stinks that they (or one parent at least) have given you such a hard time low these many years. They can't make decisions for you, certainly not about your chosen career. And ultimately they can't make you "walk the line". HOWEVER...this is a big deal to them. If you don't you'll be giving them "ammo" for years..."I paid for your education and I didn't even get to see blah blah blah".

SO...my advise is to suck it up and walk the stage.

Go and they'll have their "proud parent" moment. Don't go and you'll never hear the end of it.

I agree w/ cycleprincess. Suck it up, walk the stage, pose for pics, let them take you out for dinner, then go start your career. You've stuck to your guns thus far, but the grad pics are what every parent longs for. Just make sure you have your iPod or portable dvd player w/ you. Grad ceremonies are boring as hell.

If attending doesn't harm your chances with the job to a significant degree - I say walk. You may not want to now, but I know several people who didn't when they graduated and they now regret it. One even went back for a Master's degree "just so he could"

It does suck that your parent(s) are holding this over you. But on the flip side, consider how much in debt you'd be right now if you had to take out loans to get through school. If you can handle one more day of appeasement without going postal on someone - tough it out. After you get across that stage, they will be hard pressed to find a way to hold it over your head any longer. Good luck.

Do what your parents want, and do it with appreciation they deserve it.

You guys bring up some really good points, and it will help me make my decision. Thanks! No, it won't affect my job too much, fortunately, though I am pretty sure I won't regret not walking, but if I do it, I will totally bring an iPod. Good idea! :)
The twist is that my other parent, who treats me like a human being, who has supported me and my decisions the whole time, supported my initial choice to not walk; but if this parent HAD insisted, I would have agreed to do it happily. It's all in how you treat people. Anyway, the whole situation has taught me that favors involving MONEY are BAD, even with family. I'd take debt over this bull**** any day. If anyone else has perspective, don't hesitate...

Do what your parents want, and do it with appreciation they deserve it.
Why do they deserve it? One of them made me feel TERRIBLE about this money and this event. I in no way expected anything from them, but I never was ungrateful for it when it was paid. I'd do it with appreciation if my parent only treated me civilly.

Well, you're seeing classic manipulation tactics, with a little bit of passive-aggressive behavior thrown in there. However, since they are family, and you'll have to live with them for the rest of your life, do that parent the honor. They did pay for your education (trust me, you don't want that debt), you can show them a bit of gratitude. It'll go a long way. Also, remember, you are young and others have been around much longer than you and might know how the world works a bit more than you. I remember thinking that I knew how it all worked--I now realize that I know very little.

Why do they deserve it? One of them made me feel TERRIBLE about this money and this event. I in no way expected anything from them, but I never was ungrateful for it when it was paid. I'd do it with appreciation if my parent only treated me civilly.

No one made you feel anything other than yourself. I deal with conflict resolution regularly, and a big part of it is to own your own feelings and actions. It might be, next conflict, you can use this model:

When I heard you say______________, I thought/assumed_________________, and I felt _______________.

get a new family. yours is trash.

oh wow that's cool. this makes a lot of sense. how come they don't teach everyone these conflict resoultion tactics? I'm going to use that!! I know that I resist doing this thing partly because this parent was using manipulation. That, in addition to the fact that it's not a priority of mine to attend. I don't deny that I did feel browbeaten as a result of these comments.

get a new family. yours is trash.
hehehe. I should try that.

I'm with cycleprincess. If there's no huge harm in walking at graduation, do so. Though you didn't ask for the help or need the help, you did accept it. Being there to let your parents feel proud and take a few pictures shouldn't be too much to ask in return, independent of whether or not other things they ask for is reasonable.

Congrats on almost being done. :) :beer:

Dang
if i could mix my parents with your parents
we could have like 4 of the world's bestest parents.
My parents are extremely understanding of pretty much everything everybody has done, despite it being for the better or worse. They just aren't rich enough to pay for annybody's college tuition :(

Though you didn't ask for the help or need the help, you did accept it.
This is true.

I think I will just have to get a new family ;). Thanks all, for your input, you don't know how helpful your contributions have been. I will think on it, sleep on it, and make a good decision. How'd y'all get so smart?? I love bf!! *HUGS*

And I'm really pumped to graduate. It's been a good four years, though :beer:

Congratulations

Congrats! Now go make the bestest best of yourself! You go out there and do what makes you happy and show the world what you got!!!!! More power to ya! :) :) :)

get a new family. yours is trash.
do you have a New Family Cataloge?

Walk...do it for yourself and what you have accomplished....do it for your friends that have survived the same.... do it for your future....what will it cost you? 3 hours? that is nothing! and it may give a little peace to the family as well. Happy walking!

Hi all, I was wondering if I could get some insight on a difficult situation. I was hoping you folks could provide some unbiased opinion. You guys are pretty smart and have a lot of good perspective, from what I've read, so I need some help.
Okay, here goes: When i graduated from high school, my parents offered to pay my college tuition to give me the opportunity to go to college, with the understanding that I would perform academically, which I have (3.75 gpa and honors). As the semesters went on, however, one of my parents began to use the money as a guilt mechanism, saying things like "you'll live where I tell you", "you'll choose X major", "you'll come home for the summer", because "I'm paying for you to be at school and thus you're obligated". Some things I let go, to keep the peace, and others I held firm to my own decisions. The comments got worse, though. During my last conversation this parent implied that the money spent on me "had been a waste" because the career I am going into is not acceptable to my parent. It's become such a major guilt trip for me, that I asked my parents not to pay my tuition my senior year, but they paid it behind my back, out of habit, mostly. The good thing is that it will be over with in a few months after I graduate.
My conundrum is this: for various reasons, I would like to not participate in the graduation ceremony. It's a personal choice, mainly because I have a job offer that will kind of conflict with the date, and the other is that I am having a hard enough time leaving my college town and friends, the ceremony will make it harder for me. However, this parent has said that I must walk the line because "you're parents have supported you these years, and you are obligated."
Now, I didn't ask for this money, they offered it to me, and I never took it for granted. My parents paid for my tuition only, I held down a job the entire time I was in school to pay for housing, food, all my living expenses. This, and this guilt trip has made me very resistant to honoring this particular wish of my parent's. When I brought it up, I had to cut the discussion short because it turned very heated and immature.
Would I be out of line in sticking to my decision to not do the ceremony, or should I suck it up one day for family harmony? I don't want to make a hasty decision in anger or anything. Please help.
Oh come on dude, let's just go out & pick up a couple a jugs of Thunderbird & drink our blues away. :love:

How about you wad your bike the day before, and break your leg... no way you could take the walk with your fibia sticking out your calf.

Yeah, it's extreme, but effective.

Koine2002 made some good points, heed them. :)

My mom rented out my room when I went to university, so I wasn't coming home... ;) I agree with Stacey, I can send my cousins Guido & Luigi over the day before graduation to break your legs, no charge.. :)

Walk. Don't walk. Either way, the act in and of itself is trivial in the long run.

I think the more salient issue is that you will be enabling a passive/aggressive, manipulative situation if you walk. Eventually, if not already so, you will harbor resentment in yourself and your parents if this dynamic continues.

If I were you, I wouldn't walk. I couldn't stand the thought of being a codependant of this scenario. I have a hunch that your conscience is saying the same thing. If so, honor that feeling.

Gracefully state your position. Give them your love. Turn the corner and never participate in that dynamic again.

Walk. Don't walk. Either way, the act in and of itself is trivial in the long run.

I think the more salient issue is that you will be enabling a passive/aggressive, manipulative situation if you walk. Eventually, if not already so, you will harbor resentment in yourself and your parents if this dynamic continues.

If I were you, I wouldn't walk. I couldn't stand the thought of being a codependant of this scenario. I have a hunch that your conscience is saying the same thing. If so, honor that feeling.

Gracefully state your position. Give them your love. Turn the corner and never participate in that dynamic again.

And then pay back the $25,000 they spent on your behalf.

Just go with your gut feeling. How do you really feel, you said you don't want to walk cause it would be hard for you leaving all your friends??
I agree with Telenick its a trivial issue in whole big picture of life.
Sometimes we have to take a stand even if it means hurting someone else, its hard but you will be happier in the long run if you stick to how you really feel.

Walk? get the degree? and thenpay them back?

And then pay back the $25,000 they spent on your behalf.

That's P/A and E.

If the money was offered for tuition and that's what it was used for, then let it be.

I think the more salient issue is that you will be enabling a passive/aggressive, manipulative situation if you walk. Eventually, if not already so, you will harbor resentment in yourself and your parents if this dynamic continues.
But that's only if this act is precedent-setting. You can control your own life and still do some things for other people (ie your parents in this case) at the same time. I still encourage you to walk, but to continue to hold your ground on things that truly matter. I had a wonderful time at graduation. And it was a very proud moment for my parents. But if you have really compelling reasons not to walk, then don't.

Walk, flash a concealed sign that says "Thanks Dad" (I'm presuming that mom's the one giving you grief. If I've got it wromg, change the sign to say "Thanks Mom"). Talk to your parents afterward and tell them that you appreciate the financial support, but that from here on, the meddling needs to end.

Another thought is to give that parent a small apparel item, and insist that they wear it whenever you see them. When they protest, explain to them that the magnitude of the gift may be different, but that the principle is the same.

Failing that, your parent might need professional help.

But that's only if this act is precedent-setting. You can control your own life and still do some things for other people (ie your parents in this case) at the same time....


...tell them that you appreciate the financial support, but that from here on, the meddling needs to end.

I think both of those suggestions are very constructive.

By walking, that means graduating, right? If you don't walk I personally think, personall feelings aside , you are pretty stupid. My dad has time and time and time and time and time again told me that sacrifices must be made to get where you want.

I've done some stupid as **** things in my life, one of them turning down a job at Lockheed Martin.

I assume the OP means simply walking at the ceremony, which is optional and does not affect one's degree in any way.

By the way, don't slack off too much, but do enjoy your remaining time in college. :)

[ceremony depends on how big it is..if you went to a small private college it might be very quant and nice. The family would meet your professors and many of your classmates. And be pretty intimate. If you went to a huge state school it will be long and boring.
They will run out of cookies and the parking is bad from grandma's hip. And ya cannot get into a eating establishment for at least an hour. la la la la yadda yadda yadda!

How about a comprimise. You put on a grad gown from a thrift store and all of you go out to eat! carry some parchment with a red ribbon and just tell everyone your graduated and are coming from the ceremony. parents can sit in there and be proud of their kids in public, isn't that is what it is all about?

you get free food and they to be show you off.

I remember, when we were working for this one family (barn construction), we went to one of their daughter's graduations. It was pretty cool. Course i was like 5-6, i still thought it was pretty cool.

Attend the graduation, for yourself, your friends, your school, your parents, in any particular order you want.

Find a suitable arrangement with your employer.

Go there relaxed. Wear your cycling gear under your gawn if that can help :D

You'll look back at those pictures later in a totally different light. It's your hard work that is being rewarded, that is what graduations are meant for.

You guys have come up with some creative solutions. "walking" is the ceremony, which isn't required to get the degree. hehe. They don't even give you the degree at the ceremony, just an empty diploma case. They send it to you in the mail once all the grades are tallied and you have no unpaid fees. Yeah, of course I would do it without argument if my parents had paid for my entire education, even with the friction. But they paid for the tuition part of it, and I paid for the living expenses part of it, which calculates out to 50-50 of the cost of college. Whose wishes, then, should be honored? You guys have given me some very good ideas, thank you. Thinking on it, I would like to be the bigger person in this situation, and then, as someone wrote, extract myself from the drama. (and zorro, you are very perceptive...)

The school where I did my BA and followed up with my MA required walking to get the degree. You had to get special permission from the president to be absent from the ceremony and still get the degree. Of course, it's a small school of around 500 students, so access to the pres. isn't too hard.

did you get your degrees in linguisitics?

It's very simple...I'll spell it out....

Will it hurt you if you walk?
Will it hurt them if you don't walk?

I didn't walk and I kind of regret that I didn't. Not for me but I know that my parents gave a lot to do what they could. Did they do the same thing your parents did? Absolutely....and they weren't paying but a small portion of my tuition. They didn't HAVE to pay any of it. They could have taken a nice vacation or put it in their retirement fund but they invested in me because they believed in me. It's something to think about when you make the decision for sure. Soon, no matter what, you're out from under their thumb so will it matter to give them this? Think about it.

Parents are what they are. None of them are perfect. Suck it up and be thankful that you had parents who were willing to pay to put you through college. It doesn't seem like it now, but they did it out of love. Now is really not the time to be ungrateful. And unless the job prospect is completely inflexible in their interview process, there's little to be gained from stamping your feet and saying "no I WON'T go to graduation." In 10 years you'll all have forgotten the B.S., but they'll still be your parents, and you'll be reaping the rewards of a career that they helped you enter.

Parents are what they are. None of them are perfect. Suck it up and be thankful that you had parents who were willing to pay to put you through college. It doesn't seem like it now, but they did it out of love. Now is really not the time to be ungrateful. And unless the job prospect is completely inflexible in their interview process, there's little to be gained from stamping your feet and saying "no I WON'T go to graduation." In 10 years you'll all have forgotten the B.S., but they'll still be your parents, and you'll be reaping the rewards of a career that they helped you enter.
hahha, No kidding :p I'd ****ing jump through hoops to have 25k to spend on college.

Walk the walk. It will actually help you get closure on moving on with your life, and in terms of moving on with your parent(s). To me, that sounds like a frikkin bargain all things considered. As for new jobs, most will accomodate any disruption so that you can attend a graduation ceremony. If for some reason they won't, then there's your answer for your folks. Either way, you would be walking the walk.

I agree with what has been said about taking a stand. That is an important ability, especially where family is concerned. I can tell you this though, it is a hell of lot easier to do from the high road. Learn how to do that, and you will have learned a lot.

Either way, congrats on graduating and having a job lined up. To quote Morpheus, "Welcome to the desert of the real." ;)

There are obvious pros and cons to your situation, and they are perfectly valid. However, consider two major "pros" of your situation:

1. Your parents paid for your tuition. 25k a year over, I'm guessing, four years is $100,000. That's a lot of money, and speaking from a post-college / "out in the real world" perspective, not having to pay that back on your own is going to make your life so much better and so much easier. Not having a 100k debt over your head is going to allow you to financially enjoy life so much more.

2. You have jobs, or at least interviews, lined up. How many of your classmates or college pals in other majors can boast that. I know business school MBAs that are still looking for that right job years after graduating.

So in addition to not having that debt, you also have the immediate job opportunities. It might not seem like such a big deal right now, but many people whpo are many years into thier post college careers would kill to be in your situation. I can imagine that there are things that you want to do that are in contrast to your parent's wishes, but after a few years of working (adding credentials to your resume) and not having to pay back a student debt (adding to your savings), you will have the leverage in respect to your parent's wishes to forge your own way.

So go to your graduation and enjoy it. Contemplating it is one thing, enjoying it is another. The former you can do your whole life, that latter you get only one chance, so why not take it.

you need to do the ceremony. period.

this is for your parents not for you. it is the moment tey have
been hoping for since you were born. do not muck it up plzkthx

after that, then do what you want in life.

100k
*faints*

you need to do the ceremony. period.

this is for your parents not for you. it is the moment tey have
been hoping for since you were born. do not muck it up plzkthx

after that, then do what you want in life.
Yeah seriously. As much as I dislike my mother, If she actually put me through college, then I definitely wouldn't be scoffing at them. Heck, if she even did one thing that she wouldn't do for a stranger in her life for me I'd be amazed.

you need to do the ceremony. period.

this is for your parents not for you. it is the moment tey have
been hoping for since you were born. do not muck it up plzkthx

after that, then do what you want in life.

Although you have a valid point, I posted this for advice, not to be told what I "need".

100k
*faints*

Dood. Relax. The OP never said she got 100K. That was curt in denver making up the 25K number, then jpearl assuming that was one year's tuition.

My college education probably cost just under $10K tuition for the whole four years. Not saying the OP's degree was that cheap, but still.

And if you're really that eager, A) go to community college, they're better than 4-year colleges anyway (I've attended both), or B) join the army, 4 years and you'll get 50 grand for college.

Dood. Relax. The OP never said she got 100K. That was curt in denver making up the 25K number, then jpearl assuming that was one year's tuition.

My college education probably cost just under $10K tuition for the whole four years. Not saying the OP's degree was that cheap, but still.

And if you're really that eager, A) go to community college, they're better than 4-year colleges anyway (I've attended both), or B) join the army, 4 years and you'll get 50 grand for college.

My education ended a decade ago next year. I added it all up once and it was around $75,000....looking at inflation.......

I posted this for advice

So anyway my advice would be to mirror the general average... Go walk unless it's a major inconvenience for you. There's not much point in not doing it "on principle" because this really is the last way they can hold this over you.

And honestly, they can't "hold it over you" unless you let them. I know it's hard not to let them, but try to make this a break. It isn't as much about you telling them no more manipulation, as it is about you telling YOU no more being manipulated. In fact you telling your parent anything of the sort is likely to spark more conflict rather than resolve anything.

Just concentrate on politely ignoring from now on. It took me a while to reach that stage with my own parents, but really it's the least stressful. When your parent tries to tell you what to do, agree that it's a good idea, thanks for the suggestion, I really should do that, etc etc. No conflict, no argument, but you just don't do it (unless YOU decide to).

It's of course a lot easier when you aren't living with them any more. Once you're a little removed (and I'd make it a point to live at least 45 minutes or an hour from their house/work so there's not a lot of "Oh I just stopped by") it's easier to ignore their drama.

After a while they'll get the hint... but it probably took my parents, hmmm... 5 years or so? During/right after college I couldn't even visit them for longer than a couple hours without getting all worked up. Once you get to the point of being able to separate your outward behavior (being agreeable and not bothering to argue) from your inner decision (I'm going to do what *I* think is best) it's soooo much easier ;).