Foo - I do not feel like I fit in - support appreciated!

Hi,

It is quite funny to post this anonymously to persons who I shall likely unfortunately never meet. Nevertheless, it serves as the perfect medium for my current thoughts.

I am having a moment. You know one of those moments where you all of a sudden feel a little giddy standing at the top of a decision or activity, then you go down anyway.

Well, I shall share.

I am in a strange part of my life. I am 25 having just finished University. I came from a small town raised by my mum only. I felt I had a great childhood, albeit obviously not perfect, and played basketball at state level whilst still studying hard to get into a combined degree of law and computer science at University.

I went to University and worked hard meeting my first real long time girlfriend of 3 years.

I transferred to a different University on the other side of the country and lived in a house owned by my girlfriends parents. She came over later. I eventually broke up with her because it just did not feel 'right'. I did not love her although she 'said' she loved me. I did not really believe her. I said no friends but I was the one there for her when she called me up crying because her new boyfriend had made her pregnant then denied that it was his and ditched her. She wanted the child but had a miscarriage. I consoled her saying she needs to invest time in herself for some time to understand her beauty. She ended up in a new relationship 5 weeks later so I cut contact. She emailed me when she got married a year later.

I took up martial arts. I always wanted to do this as a child!

I went out with a girl I met modelling * I was a model. I told her I loved her after a month because I thought it. She did not believe me and it freaked her out but we still saw each other. She told me she loved me at about the 7 month mark. A couple of months later I broke up with her because I knew it would not work longterm (she loved spending money on possessions and fancy occasions whereas I do not) *she owned 104 pairs of shoes.

I trained by butt off and won the national Taekwondo championship.

I then met a girl through martial arts who trained a different style of martial arts and was awesome. She was really nice to me and was clearly physically interested. I trained with her which was the best and eventually said why not and accepted her physical advances as well. She trained me REALLY well I became a 2 time national taekwondo champion! I trained so hard.

We had an awesome relationship too for about a year! All seemed rosy. Then, her brother got stabbed in his front yard by a stranger (insane person). Her brother collapsed into the house covered in blood and she held his organs in whilst calling the ambulance.

I got the call from her that she was in hospital. I rushed straight there and brought food for the family.
I stayed the night with her at the hospital and then visited every day for the next 14 days. Somehow the brother survived despite the doctors saying he had as much chance to survive as if he had been shot in the head point blank.


The next year was ridiculously tough. My gf and I fought all the time. I entered my last year of university and got involved with silly law committees just to get a job. I was really stressed by this because it is not me and I behaved badly (very moody and slept a lot) which made the relationship worse.

Yet at the time it was like I was oblivious to it all. Life just rolled on. I got my first real job and worked full time whilst finishing my degree. My gf fell pregnant and we had an abortion. I then decided to change jobs as I did not like my current one (negative environment) and was offered a better one. I took that. I was just rising out of my depression at that stage returning to myself and my gf broke up with me because she did not have that fire for me anymore. Translation: she liked someone else.

I was devastated. I tried to reason with her to talk things out but there was to be none of that. She ended up with that person and I turned down her offer of friends.

That was about 6 months ago now. Since then I have improved all the things about me that i wanted to. I have learnt about responsibility by working a proper job (not just modelling). I have become very clean (I was really messy before hand). I have simplified my life by avoiding unnecessary drama. I have improved myself through books, seminars and training.

This whole thing has made me reevaluate everything in my life. I have not changed me but have started having the behaviour I always wanted.

However, I am now starting to think about things. I mean before in my life nothing mattered to me, life just worked itself out meaning everything mattered :) I would just go with the flow. No one was questioning or whatever.

I was a kid without fear.

Now I sometimes feel lost. I feel like I have to adapt to others way of lives to interact with them. I feel this comes a lot from my past relationship where my confidence in myself was stripped. After the separation, I interpreted her behaviour very negatively as she would ask me ' do I want to know who the guy she is seeing is', criticise me for my way of living i.e no car and riding everywhere, changing my name (I changed it because my dad did not have anything to do with my child hood so why should I bear his name) et cetera.

I brushed those things off at the time but now I sit here and feel like I have entered this massive world/game. And that I have to play by this set of rules.

If I have to play by those rules then I do not want to play. I have always felt very unique and special. Wow- just realised my ex gf crushed that out of me too, she would say we are just like everyone else.

We may be, but I believe we CHOOSE our actions, and they help define us!

Anyway, so now I come to this part about choosing what my life should be. I have all these options and opinions. I understand mine is the only one that truly counts but I do not know what I want.

People say to sleep around, or meet lots of girls. I do not feel like that.

People say make lots of money and buy things. I do not feel like that.

People say do whatever you feel like, make your life your own. I do not know what I want really.


I love my martial arts I retired after the stabbing as it really freaked me out. I then have taken up a different art which I much prefer. I love that!

I love cycling to work and having my simple lifestyle!

I guess I just dislike being judged. Maybe I feel like being loved right now as I have missed it for such a long time.

It is so funny though because in the past I felt I could get or do anything! Because I did not think. I did not think I was anything bad or good. I was just me.

Now I find myself thinking about all this stuff that I never cared about. For the first time in my life I feel like I am judging my life and I do not know what criteria to judge on. I could choose to do so many different things. But which?


I am alright and these things work themselves out. I am blessed with good luck or karma whatever as good things seem to happen to me randomly.

I am interested as to others experiences and if anyone can share with me as I would really appreciate benefiting from the experience of others!

Associating with like-minded people will do you no end of good. It is a great deal easier to love and accept yourself when you are supported mentally by caring people with similar priorities in life.

People that need to have 104 pairs of shoes would not make the short-list to join my "tribe".

You sound strong, non-judgemental, intelligent and caring. There are others out there like you, and you will find them.

Maybe backpacking around the world and experienceing new sensations might help you with your self discovery. You just might find what you are looking for.

People say to sleep around, or meet lots of girls. I do not feel like that.

People say make lots of money and buy things. I do not feel like that.

People say do whatever you feel like, make your life your own. I do not know what I want really.
Lots of girls or material possessions won't make you any happier in the end. Not that females or possessions are categorically bad things, but they won't solve your issues. The last bit is good advice even if you don't know what you really want. In my opinion, it's desirable to find out. And it's an ongoing process always. You can just let things be, and circumstances will dictate your life. Or you can actively take control, and not everything will be in your control, but things will be more along the lines of what you want. Even if it's not always clear what you want.

It strikes me that your history is being described in large part in the context of past relationships. If this is how you see your life, then perhaps you need to find value elsewhere. (Not that you should find no value in relationships, though.) But in your thread a while back about money, there's plenty going on in your life aside from relationships. If you're telling the story this way because you're basically asking about relationships, well, what can I say? Sometimes, things really stink. From your post and your posts in the money thread, you seem like a great guy. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that everything is your fault.

As for me? I don't know what I want for my life. I'm in the middle of a top PhD program in organic chemistry. Part of me wants to become a professor afterward. The other part, well, unfortunately, there are certain plans I can't talk about unless I commit to them since there's a huge stigma to certain choices in my profession. (And there's more than enough identifying information in my posts to unambiguously identify me.) Needless to say, the possibilities are all over the map. (Figuratively, not literally, as in your career situation.)

A few years back, with my last serious girlfriend, I really thought she was the one. Would have done anything for her. And she thought the same. Until she went away for med school and found that the distance and the attention of one of her classmates was too much for her. Like I said, I would have done anything for her. Including quit grad school and move if necessary. But by the time she could acknowledge to herself a problem, she already was committed to trying to make me break up with her, and that failing, breaking up with me. Under those circumstances, it really wasn't up to me, so that was that.

It's been a while now, and that past relationship no longer really defines me or my past in any significant way, though I still think of her once in a while. I don't know what lies ahead past grad school, but I'm exploring my options. I'm not with anyone, but I'm open to the possibility if a seemingly good match comes along. It's more scary when the future seems more unpredictable, but I consider myself highly fortunate to be in a position to choose even if I don't know at this time what I want to choose.

Hey, I'm 26 and feel that way too...

I've had editorials in the local paper..while I was a middle schooler.

I made it to the state level in cross country running

I had a regional 3rd place in taekwondo by age 10

....and now, I really have no clue what I want to do period.

It happens, I think it's just from life easing up a bit too much, and we are getting bored with it all....that and we are changing as a person, and that change can make things we used to like seem ...for lack of a better word....blah.

So just keep on truckin and you'll reach your goal.

WOW, thats a lot to get off your chest.
Well I have a LONG LIFE STORY myself but I'll save you time.
For me and what has gotten me thur life is ME, I believe in myself, I want to be around strong people whom are not afraid of making choices. I had the two worse parents, loss a brother when he was 19 yrs old, went thru a divorce and there we many times I felt LOST.
But I finally asked myself what I wanted out of life and started living that.
We are the keymasters to our lives, you seem strong, educated, and willing to make an effort in your life. I agree with what another one said before you will seek people out like yourself and then I think you will find true happiness and everything else will just fall into place.

i think your the type of person that needs an outlet. sounds like your constantly jumping from one activity to the next, or relationship, or mood, or whatever.

don't drive yourself crazy by doing this. figure out how to anchor yourself, so that you always know who you are no matter what changes happen around you. sounds like you're starting to do this already and i think it's the right way to go.

Teach martial arts at your dojo and learn more about the philosophy behind the martial arts. You'll learn while teaching others and educating yourself.

I'm still lost

Are you a Pisces? You sound a lot like me. Pisces can get into any situation and meld with it... only thing is they can get lost in these situations and become emotional wrecks as well.

I agree with the advice of others above. Find good friends and hang on with them for the ride.

:-/ Pisces here

I need to find good friends to hang onto :p

There's really no magic to life. You basically get so many days and then you return to the earth, or to heaven or wherever you think. But know that you have likely wasted a lot of those days already trying to "find yourself" blah, blah, blah...

For me personally I never really gave enough of a rat's ass about myself to do much. It wasn't until i got a wife and great kids that I figured it out. I don't wake up and wonder if i should do TaeKwando, Climb Mount Everest or make paper airplanes.

There is no time for that. I have mouths to feed, and a mortgage to pay. I'm living life, not sitting around thinking about what life is supposed to be. Go outside and watch the animals in nature. They are busy trying to survive. Birds spend all day searching for seeds, etc. Birds do not worry if they should be walking instead of flying. They are too busy.

Our convenient modern lifestyle often lends us too much time. This causes one to sit and fret about petty things. They say that one is not truly grown up until he or she makes most decisions based on what is better for others instead of better for himself. I understand that now, and realize that i spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was best for me. In the end it turns out that what is best for me is to do what is best for others.

Our convenient modern lifestyle often lends us too much time. This causes one to sit and fret about petty things. They say that one is not truly grown up until he or she makes most decisions based on what is better for others instead of better for himself. I understand that now, and realize that i spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was best for me. In the end it turns out that what is best for me is to do what is best for others.
This is very true. And as they say, an Idle hand are the work of the devil.

I think we've all gone through that phase in our mid-20s after getting out of school and getting our first "real" job. Most wise:

"We may be, but I believe we CHOOSE our actions, and they help define us!

Anyway, so now I come to this part about choosing what my life should be. I have all these options and opinions. I understand mine is the only one that truly counts but I do not know what I want."

I am of the opinion that we are 100% masters of our fate in life. Where we live, what kind of job we have, the relations we have with our family, the people we associate with and the kinds of relationships we have with them are all of our choosing. Some of us may make choices more automatically and subconciously than others (like buying that 105th pair of shoes), but it's still a choice.

Where I've been lost like you is when I have a gap between the results in my life and the path I have chosen. I've walked down the path of "shoulds" before and in my mid-20s, I had been racing bikes for 8 years and in the best shape of my life and was going to nationals, I was graduating with degree in microbiology, I was applying to med-schools, my part-time computer-programming job offered me a full-time position with double the salary, well beyond my expectations, I had been going out for 3-years with a blonde chic that looked a certain way, yeah, you know that look, we had moved into a cute Victorian on top of the hill with an ocean view, 2-car garage, white-picket fence, puppy-dog, she was going to law-school, we were going to get married and call ourselves the Huxtables, etc. fairly-tale come true!

We took a post-graduation, pre-engagement vacation to Morea/Tahiti/BoraBora and lived it up at Club Med. So there I was, sitting in the surf on a beach-chair with the bathtub-warm water gently lapping up my legs, having cute French chics bring me foofey drinks with umbrellas, I'm in great physical shape, got the job beyond my dreams after school, had the barbie-doll trophy soon-to-be-wife, and then it hit me halfway through a pina-colada... I WASN'T HAPPY!!! :eek: :eek: :eek:

That was a devastating blow to say the least! I had followed the path of "success" religiously my entire life, did what my parents told me I needed to do, did what my friends told me I needed to do, what society and the media said I "should" do and I've gotten all the results to show for it. But I wasn't happy and satisfied. It felt empty, like there should be more to life, that something was missing...

For the first time in my life, I realized that if I was to choose my own life, rather than one my parents , my friends, my past-relationships, the media had given to me, what would I choose? Like out of a vacuum without any outside influences, what would I choose?

The enlightenment's in the inquiry, not the answer. It's a classic koan. I suggest you approach martial-arts with a more eastern philosophy as a spiritual and life practice, rather than physical training like here in the US. Mediation and ritual are important, not for physical performance, but for clarity in mind and spirit. Kung-fu is tightly bonded with buddhism, you may want to take a look at that.

Another inspiration I have is to look at my own funeral, like I was attending it as a guest. Looking at my own casket, my own grave, my own body, from the outside amongst my friends and family. What do I want to hear them say about me? What is it that I truly want to be remembered for in life? That's what motivates me each day as well.

It's all about finding harmony and peace... on the inside... and creating it on the outside for everyone else as well. :)

This is very true. And as they say, an Idle hand are the work of the devil.
I find idle hands usually wind up in my pockets. ;)

"
It is quite funny to post this anonymously to persons who I shall likely unfortunately never meet. Nevertheless, it serves as the perfect medium for my current thoughts.

"

Stop talking like that. It bothers me.

Another inspiration I have is to look at my own funeral, like I was attending it as a guest. Looking at my own casket, my own grave, my own body, from the outside amongst my friends and family. What do I want to hear them say about me? What is it that I truly want to be remembered for in life? That's what motivates me each day as well.


i do this too. although a slight variation: i like to think of a future point and then backtrack. the backtracking helps me think of how i'm going to get to what i ultimately want....a balanced and interesting life. by taking a really long view of things, you can smooth out the stresses of daily life and determine what truly is important. a deadline at work pails in comparision to having a working relationship with your wife, for example. sounds obvious, but many people fail to understand.

another thing i do when i feel overwhelmed is to look up. viewing the stars and the vast void of space makes me think of how lucky i am to be able to experience this. i'm continually reminded of how unique and precious life is when i consider my point in the universe.

You are seeking what no man can give you.

The answer you seek is within you… but as you have alluded, the catalyst that will start the realization is hidden deep within your soul.

Some of my brothers have found it in a drum circle at Burning Man some need a formal vision quest. My nephew found it at sea on a crab boat when he was in his twenties. My son is currently searching the coastlines of the world hoping to find it in a wave.

Most people never even look for it. Some have it thrust upon them.



ask the Crow

You are seeking what no man can give you.

The answer you seek is within you… but as you have alluded, the catalyst that will start the realization is hidden deep within your soul.

Some of my brothers have found it in a drum circle at Burning Man some need a formal vision quest. My nephew found it at sea on a crab boat when he was in his twenties. My son is currently searching the coastlines of the world hoping to find it in a wave.

Most people never even look for it. Some have it thrust upon them.



ask the CrowMmmmm
I saw a special on people who went crab hunting. Sounds like a fun yet hazardous job.

You are seeking what no man can give you.

The answer you seek is within you… but as you have alluded, the catalyst that will start the realization is hidden deep within your soul.

Some of my brothers have found it in a drum circle at Burning Man some need a formal vision quest. My nephew found it at sea on a crab boat when he was in his twenties. My son is currently searching the coastlines of the world hoping to find it in a wave.

Most people never even look for it. Some have it thrust upon them.



ask the Crow

Excuse me Bike Forum shoppers, I need a translation on post 18.

I thought that was pretty understandabld

WOW DANNO I love reading your stuff. ALL OF IT IS SO VERY TRUE!!!

I am of the opinion that we are 100% masters of our fate in life. Where we live, what kind of job we have, the relations we have with our family, the people we associate with and the kinds of relationships we have with them are all of our choosing. Some of us may make choices more automatically and subconciously than others (like buying that 105th pair of shoes), but it's still a choice.



Maybe we are masters of fate in out lives but we are still somewhat powerless when it comes to fate. Consider your statement above.

Where we live: So you can live anywhere you want? I highly doubt that. There is a lot of fate that plays a role in where we live. Job openings, house openings, hiring a certain realtor, being to late and missing the purchase of a home, etc. There are countless things that can cause us to live in a certain place. Many of them we can't control.

What kind of job we have.
Maybe you can control what kind of job you are in, but there are still elements of fate that make your job what it is.

The relations we have with our family A lot of people don't have any relations with their family, let alone having control over what type. Fate often dictates that you can have only certain relations with your family or no relations at all.

We are not 100% in control of fate, nor our lives. We can steer ourselves in a certain direction, but it is up to the wind and the tide in terms of exact route we take going somewhere.

Yes fate plays a part in our lives but its HOW you go about living your life that you have the key.
This is what I mean.
My mother and father both were abusive, alcoholics, never around.
Me-I turned 17 years old lived by self got a good paying job, put myself thru college, bought my first car myself, bought my house, and never once thought about abusing alcohol, drugs etc.
Fate if you say so dealt me a hard hand of life from the time I was born, but I was the one who chose how to accept that and move on in life in a POSITIVE way.
Things do happen to us that are out of our control YES, but its how we deal with those things that make it important.

One of the great benefits of being a guy is that you can be emotionally stunted and drink beer.

Seriously, other than your dad being a putz (which is no small thing) you are spending too much time latching onto external events and interpreting your life through them. Jobs suck, lots of relationships end up in the can, you can't control everything - that's life but that doesn't mean you have to be miserable in the face of it. Sounds to me like you need to just start enjoying stuff and not thinking about it so much. Beer and a couple of idiot buddies can get you through a lot.

Beer and a couple of idiot buddies can get you through a lot.
^^^ This man speaks the truth.

i was just going to say that. smartest thing i've heard all day.

Thanks Snowy, great minds think alike, eh? :)



Maybe we are masters of fate in out lives but we are still somewhat powerless when it comes to fate. Consider your statement above.

Where we live: So you can live anywhere you want? I highly doubt that. There is a lot of fate that plays a role in where we live. Job openings, house openings, hiring a certain realtor, being to late and missing the purchase of a home, etc. There are countless things that can cause us to live in a certain place. Many of them we can't control.

What kind of job we have.
Maybe you can control what kind of job you are in, but there are still elements of fate that make your job what it is.

The relations we have with our family A lot of people don't have any relations with their family, let alone having control over what type. Fate often dictates that you can have only certain relations with your family or no relations at all.

We are not 100% in control of fate, nor our lives. We can steer ourselves in a certain direction, but it is up to the wind and the tide in terms of exact route we take going somewhere.The degree to which we accept responsibility of getting results in our lives is directly in proportion to the power we have to achieve them. The more responsibility I assume, the more power I have in getting the results I desire. I inquire about my responsibility in Katrina and what I could've done to make the results different. I wonder about what I could've done about those bombings in Iraq that killed all those people today. I accept responsibility for yesterday's rain and my car getting dirtied. Destiny, fate and results are intertwined with many shades of grey and one has to sift through them and make choices. I'm with timmhaan in that I look to the future first, then work backwards to find the path to get there. A lot of times, the path is unknown. If people really knew how to drop 100lbs and get into shape, how to quit their jobs and start their own businesses and be successful at it, to have nurturing and loving relationships with all those around them all the time, they would've done it by now right?

No, the trick is to step out of the rat-race of living in survival, living paycheck-to-paycheck, foraging for grubs and eating hand-to-mouth continuously, you never get ahead and end up repeating the same day over and over again. I made some choices in my life as far as the results I wanted out of my life in numerous areas:

Santa Barbara (http://www.santabarbaracarfree.org/santabarbara.htm) was where I wanted to live. I didn't go down to LA or back up to the Bay Area after graduation like a lot of my friends. Wasting the most important thing I have in life, time, was not something I wanted to do waiting in traffic hours a day, spending countless hours in boring board-meetings with executives. My friends in Silicon Valley kept on telling me stories about how they were offered $250k jobs and they were living out of the trunks of their Porsches and Ferraris in the company parking-lot because they couldn't find/afford a place to live! A lot of Hollywood folks work their entire lives to be able to retire to Santa Barbara. I'm already here! Trick was, to find the unknown path that would allow me to live here.

Jobs are a piece of cake. There's an unlimited supply of them. Most of us stumble through life being pushed from behind by our parents, friends and society, "Go to school, you'll get better job" and we do it, then look around for something that we are kinda interested in, then try to get a job in that field. I look at it from the opposite end, like timm, I wanted to be a doctor. So... working backwards... it's residency... med-school... undergrad... bio/chem major of some sort. As I discovered when filling out my med-school applications, even being a doctor was too short-sighted. It was really about making money and doctors made a lot of it. But at the time with massive changes in the healthcare industry due to HMOs and insurance policies, wages for doctors ended up being just 25% of what they were in the '80s adjusting for inflation and malpractice insurance.

I see time as being the most valuable thing we have in life. It's finite in amount, you're only given so much and once it's gone, it's gone forever, you cannot make more, you cannot buy more. Ask anyone on their last weeks of life with cancer how precious time is. No one goes to their grave wishing they had spent more time at the office. I will NOT sacrifice my time for money, it is much more well-spent with my friends and family enjoying life and each other's company. Making loving memories that we'll cherish forever. The stuff I did at work for money, bah, it's worthless to me. Money is the opposite of time, it's irrelevant, you can always make more; I refuse to trade my time for money.

So... I examined career choices after getting out of school. I had limited income, so I enrolled in city-college business-accounting and finance courses to learn budgeting and asset-allocations so that I could make the most of what I had. I always spent less than I made, lived in tract-housing with roommates like a student well after I graduated. The excess cash leftover allowed me to start a computer-consulting biz, then an ISP biz with a partner from work (we both quit our jobs), then an internet-cafe. I wanted to be MSCE-certified and studied the materials and passed the exams. This was because during the dot.com, that's where the money was. We cashed out when the bubble burst. With the cash, I bought my house with cash, spending less money than I earn, so that I do not owe anyone wasted interest. That's where the money went after the dot.coms went bust. I started a mail-order operation selling Porsche upgrades. My choices on where to live and what kind of career I had is all based upon looking at the results I wanted first... then working backwards and finding the unknown path that was going to take me there... a journey of a thousand miles starts with...

Same thing with being a stock-broker, CFP, commodities-trader. I looked at the job I wanted, figured out the unknown path that was going to get me there, and took the steps necessary.

Same thing with relationships with my family and friends. Truly allowing people to be themselves and show up as they want is the first step. Then accepting them as who they are and who they're not is the basis of love; everyone's perfect! So what if one of my brother is an arrogant jerk, or my dad is a super type-A left-brainer who can't think outside the box, that's fine. I learned and find ways of interacting that allows us to make the most of our unique characters so that the combination of our characters is the best they can be. It takes letting go of ego and opening our hearts and fully accepting our family; we can't chose them, they chose us.

I'm very, very particular about who I hang with socially; wouldn't want someone embarassing me in front of my friends or anything. ;) Each and every single person who I'm friends with is by choice. Certain peoples suck energy and life from you by being takers without anything to contribute in return. I don't have time or space in my life for them, they're out ASAP. Others are truly nurturing and loving people who enrichen the lives of those around them. Those are the ones I invest my time and energy with. :)

To the OP, another koan: "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today" - ???

****... stop thinking about it... i hardly even know what i want to do AND i'm dumb, ugly, and don't know martial arts... i hate you!! hate hate hate hate!!! :p


you'll be alright. just do the thing you can most tolerate that pays well and that will buy you time to figure it out... man... all you have to do is look sexy and you make money... no one will even call me in for an interview! and i've never been to jail (i've noticed through eaves dropping that some employs at some places have been to jail).....

you got it good, man.

Hi,

A MASSIVE thank you to everyone who replied!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was such a wonderful feeling to come to the thread and see so many replies. Really lifted my spirits. Then reading the superb words and experiences lifted me even further!

To clarify,

I was fortunate in that I modelled and worked with computers saving enough money to put myself through university. Not really 'jobs' though, nor 'me' as in not responsible nor reliable life choices.

I have now entered the oil and gas industry aka responsible work :)

- as for teaching martial arts

I did this voluntarily through University by teaching kids. I had a great time and learnt so much. Felt pretty good actually. I quit because it became all about the money and no one had the patience to learn the art anymore. I now practice an art that should not be taught to children and I shall oneday share it with others.

This certain style has died out around the world with the only person left who learnt the classical style living in my city. He (H) has three main students one of which teaches the class I attend (T). T taught my former girlfriend who is really good. She shared it with me and then I would join her in the class. When she broke up with me I quit to give her space to work things out and remove the drama from both our lives.

I really loved it though so contacted H and asked if he would give private lessons (he is retired). He said yes and has been training me in his backyard ever since. To let you know how good H is, T who has trained for 20 years, fought and taught around the world officially and unofficially and who has received many awards calls H 'God' :)

That is going superbly well. I then realised how fortunate I am to learn something so powerful, elegant and personal to H.

I then realised I want to accept this wonderful opportunity to do what I love and learn from these great persons whilst they can share their wonderful art (eg. alive and open to sharing).

I have made that commitment and asked my former girlfriend what she thought about me returning to class not explaining my reasons. Rationale for asking her: I feel that I am a constant reminder of her pain with the stabbing and our relationship. I did not want to cause unnecessary tension or distraction for either of us especially in an activity which requires total commitment! I told her that her wellbeing is more important than me returning to class so let me know if it ever gets uncomfortable

She said it should be ok. I did the classes as well for 3 weeks and everything was cool. I was nervous at first about seeing her but she never showed. No problem. Then she would come for a little bit then leave. No problem. I trained my first whole class with her the day before my original post. That was very hard but I have come a long way. She actually gave me some really good technique tips despite being delivered in what I felt was not the best manner. I did well in that I had 3 brief flashes of relationship pain but moved them out of my mind very quickly. It was weird when she did not say goodbye to me but good as well as I can understand it.

The next day though she emailed me saying how I could return to another activity we formerly shared if I wanted to but that her new bf was there and she did not want any tension. That messed with my head a little as my first response was to write an email (not to send but for me). I have not replied as I could not be bothered creating more drama.


That explains why I posted so much about relationships in the original post! :)


- as for the philosophy behind martial arts

Great point! I have learnt a little but with something like this there is always so much more to learn! I shall continue to learn as much as I can!


- as for being anchored...


GREAT POST!

This is a part of my decision. My former GF said the same thing. However I have always been light as the wind and just gone with it. I have met great people and had great opportunities this way. Life has been grand. Now my former gf always used to say I should be grounded/anchored. My fear with this is that if I am anchored, then I cannot go anywhere. I am not free to float with the wind. Have I misunderstood?

To take it literally
To me the difference is that if I am not grounded/anchored then I can go wherever the wind takes me but have less ability to choose where I want as you use the ground for force to move yourself - perceived advantage you can go much further with less effort by you and you live the unknown

Whereas if you are grounded then you can use the forces through the ground into your body to move but it much more exhausting and you are limited by going where you can control - perceived advantage you have more control and connection

- I am happy where I am in certain things. My martial arts, the nature, my beautiful lifestyle, my friends to a degree. My friends were perfect for me 5 years ago but now I find myself moving in a differetn direction. They are all getting married, mortgages and other things. Thus I am drifting away.

Thank you again for all your replies and I do hope that you shall share more again!

Please share your brief life stories too if it helps you or perhaps others!

eg. poster who was with the blond and considering being a doctor all that, what happened, where are you now? Why did you choose that?


just by posting this has helped me not only through your replies but clarifying myself.

One point was that I was a little concerned about my martial arts pursuits. I love training but have now gone into the mindset that you have to do something for a reason and purpose. I did not know mine. I knew I do not want to fight professionally or unprofessionally. I do not want to open my own school or make it a job. I do not like hurting people or being hurt AT ALL!

So I was confused. However now I realise that I love the art and want to keep it going. Then one day I can share it with some others like it was shared with me.

Grounded vs. Settling Down
You're friends may be settling down, but are they grounded? If a man cheats on his wife, is he grounded? He may be settled, but he's not grounded if he goes outside his marriage.

Being grounded means knowing who you are and what's important to you. You take that with you wherever you go and it informs your choices. You can go w/ the flow and still control where you go. I'm sure martial arts teaches you focus and control. They're the tools you need to live your life. Sailboats can still move against the wind to get to their destination. You just need to figure out what the destinations are. It's the trip that makes it worthwhile.

Sorry for mixing metaphors, but I'm trying to do 3 things at once.

edit: Idiot buddies will also make the trip very entertaining. ;)

lol

Mixing the mataphors has confused me :)

I see your point. By your definition of 'grounded' I have always been grounded . I know who I am and what is important to me. I guess it is matter of getting it.

* I just get distracted sometimes

LOL I was distracted writing it. Basically what I mean was being anchored limits your movement. Settling down is just a choice to put roots down in order to build what you want. And being grounded means knowing your values and what you value and having or getting the means to acquire what you value (enlightenment, money, knowledge, etc.) The whole sailboat metaphor meant you can go with the wind as you said or you can control your movement against it if it pushes you further from where you want to be.

And MERTON, you need to be on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. You need a makeover or something. You'll even get some new furniture and maybe a bike out of it.

One good practice I've found really helps is to be grounded in reality of "what happened" and "what is" and not place too much importance in the various ways you can interpret that concrete reality. For example, "a 500ml glass has 250ml of water it" and that's it. Sure , you can make interpretations of "half-full" or "half-empty" glass, but both those interpretations are one step removed from reality. What's really there is 250ml of water in a 500ml glass, that's it.

When she said this:

"The next day though she emailed me saying how I could return to another activity we formerly shared if I wanted to but that her new bf was there and she did not want any tension. That messed with my head a little as my first response was to write an email (not to send but for me). I have not replied as I could not be bothered creating more drama."

Don't read any more into it what she said. Go with the concrete and solid information that's indisputable. The sun set a 5:57pm PST in Santa Barbara today, that's it, it's that simple. No need to get into drawing conclusions of it was "early" or "late" in setting or it "should've" set at this time instead and "this means this" or that. No, stick to the reality. It makes life a lot clearer with much less ambiguous fog/haze and no drama!

Getting rid of the "shoulds" your little voice throws at you really helps as well. Rather than "my life should look like this" and being resigned and despondent about it, replace it with "my life COULD look like this" and then take the necessary steps to get the results you want. Typically I just find someone who've accomplished the goals I'm interested in, pick their brains for just the pertinent information that's important, and ask them for guidance and mentorship. :) Saves A LOT of time in trying to figure things out yourself for the 1st time; usually someone's already got the answer.

Good luck! :)

...

Another inspiration I have is to look at my own funeral, like I was attending it as a guest. Looking at my own casket, my own grave, my own body, from the outside amongst my friends and family. What do I want to hear them say about me? What is it that I truly want to be remembered for in life? That's what motivates me each day as well.

...



+1
I do exactly the same thing.
I have friends that I went through school/college with that, unlike me, have gone down the path of material gain as a measure of success and I honestly feel sad about having to one day go to their funerals and hear what they're remembered for.

+1
I do exactly the same thing.
I have friends that I went through school/college with that, unlike me, have gone down the path of material gain as a measure of success and I honestly feel sad about having to one day go to their funerals and hear what they're remembered for.
He had a fast car and ...
a nice house
and ...

well anywahs i hear there are boston baked beans at the pot luck. Lets get this casket inthe ground. Sound of winches firing up.

One good practice I've found really helps is to be grounded in reality of "what happened" and "what is" and not place too much importance in the various ways you can interpret that concrete reality. For example, "a 500ml glass has 250ml of water it" and that's it. Sure , you can make interpretations of "half-full" or "half-empty" glass, but both those interpretations are one step removed from reality. What's really there is 250ml of water in a 500ml glass, that's it.

When she said this:

"The next day though she emailed me saying how I could return to another activity we formerly shared if I wanted to but that her new bf was there and she did not want any tension. That messed with my head a little as my first response was to write an email (not to send but for me). I have not replied as I could not be bothered creating more drama."

Don't read any more into it what she said. Go with the concrete and solid information that's indisputable. The sun set a 5:57pm PST in Santa Barbara today, that's it, it's that simple. No need to get into drawing conclusions of it was "early" or "late" in setting or it "should've" set at this time instead and "this means this" or that. No, stick to the reality. It makes life a lot clearer with much less ambiguous fog/haze and no drama!

Getting rid of the "shoulds" your little voice throws at you really helps as well. Rather than "my life should look like this" and being resigned and despondent about it, replace it with "my life COULD look like this" and then take the necessary steps to get the results you want. Typically I just find someone who've accomplished the goals I'm interested in, pick their brains for just the pertinent information that's important, and ask them for guidance and mentorship. :) Saves A LOT of time in trying to figure things out yourself for the 1st time; usually someone's already got the answer.

Good luck! :)

Great post, thank you!

The most important thing of all (that people seem to forget) is to fit within yourself & not worry about what "other" people think..
Some people worry/think about their reflections & how other people perceive them , they actually forget who & what they are. Lost in the midst of the cornfusion,if you will. I fit in everywhere...heh.

I'm different. You're different. We're all different. For example, I have no use for idiot guy buddies. Looking back, it seems kind of like my life has run me to an extent, but I'm quite content with things. My needs are met, my wife and I don't play a lot of games to mess with each other, and on the infrequent occasions when I'm the target, I just let it blow past. When we met, it was no storybook romance. I wasn't awake all night obsessing about her. There was chemistry, but what was more important was that we were both willing to commit to a future together and to make the best of what came our way. There has been no reconsideration - at least none that I know of - which is what a lasting relationship needs. Once reconsideration comes into the picture, you have to acknowledge that you're not committed to it, and then things come out a mess. That happened to me a few times before I got married and I eventually just had enough of it.

I have friends outside of the family, but family always has to come first. You only cheat yourself if you let this happen. Yeah, sometimes you have to sacrifice for work, and sometimes you just need to do your thing, but you can't let that stuff take over your life. You can't blow off the Middle School concert to hang out with your pals after a club ride. It's as bad as infidelity. It actually is a form of infidelity - only some people don't recognize that.

The other thing that's important for me is that I'm glad to know who I am - why I'm here - where I came from - where I'm going. That gives me an inner peace that whatever happens in the world can't shake.

I wish you the best in sorting things out. It seems like you think about it a lot - nothing wrong with that, I used to do that too. There's always some place for that, but if you're always looking back trying to pick apart your life, or if you're laying awake at night all the time trying to figure out what you need to do the next day - well you can't do that without going crazy. Life is there, jump in. Be present for it. It doesn't go on forever.

Peace,

Z

You are seeking what no man can give you.
The answer you seek is within you… but as you have alluded, the catalyst that will start the realization is hidden deep within your soul.
Some of my brothers have found it in a drum circle at Burning Man some need a formal vision quest. My nephew found it at sea on a crab boat when he was in his twenties. My son is currently searching the coastlines of the world hoping to find it in a wave.
Most people never even look for it. Some have it thrust upon them.
ask the Crow

Wow.

..........................................thats all I can say.

I'm different. You're different. We're all different. For example, I have no use for idiot guy buddies. Looking back, it seems kind of like my life has run me to an extent, but I'm quite content with things. My needs are met, my wife and I don't play a lot of games to mess with each other, and on the infrequent occasions when I'm the target, I just let it blow past. When we met, it was no storybook romance. I wasn't awake all night obsessing about her. There was chemistry, but what was more important was that we were both willing to commit to a future together and to make the best of what came our way. There has been no reconsideration - at least none that I know of - which is what a lasting relationship needs. Once reconsideration comes into the picture, you have to acknowledge that you're not committed to it, and then things come out a mess. That happened to me a few times before I got married and I eventually just had enough of it.

I have friends outside of the family, but family always has to come first. You only cheat yourself if you let this happen. Yeah, sometimes you have to sacrifice for work, and sometimes you just need to do your thing, but you can't let that stuff take over your life. You can't blow off the Middle School concert to hang out with your pals after a club ride. It's as bad as infidelity. It actually is a form of infidelity - only some people don't recognize that.

The other thing that's important for me is that I'm glad to know who I am - why I'm here - where I came from - where I'm going. That gives me an inner peace that whatever happens in the world can't shake.

I wish you the best in sorting things out. It seems like you think about it a lot - nothing wrong with that, I used to do that too. There's always some place for that, but if you're always looking back trying to pick apart your life, or if you're laying awake at night all the time trying to figure out what you need to do the next day - well you can't do that without going crazy. Life is there, jump in. Be present for it. It doesn't go on forever.

Peace,

Z



very nice, thank you!