Foo - How do you break up with someone?

I've gotten to the point where the first response to the question, "Why are you with her?" is that I've already been with her for so long. I can't see myself with another girl, but I can see myself by myself, and I kind of like the way it looks.

Long story short, we were never really "right" for each other in the first place, but for whatever reason we were both committed to making it work. But the problems that were there in the first place just keep growing and growing. I don't think they'll ever go away.

We're supposed to get married in a little over a year. I bought a ring not too long ago, and once that ring was right in front of me I thought, "Wait a minute. Do I really want to do this?" That ring might make us happy for a while, but before long she'll be moping around again, getting upset at everything I say. I'll be going for a ride and she'll be sitting around watching TV. I'll wake up in a happy mood, and she'll slowly suck my energy away as the day goes on. She might say she's bored. Ok, then let's go for a ride. No, she doesn't feel like it. Ok, then what does she want to do? She doesn't know. Do I really want to go through this the rest of my life? Do I want all of my happiness slowly sucked out of me?

But how do you break up? How can you hurt someone you love? How do you know you're not making a mistake and blowing normal relationship issues out of proportion? How do you deal with it when she finds someone else? How do you deal with it when you find a new girl, but she has been with someone else in the past? How do you know when it's time to give up on something that you've spent years working on?

Call her and leave a message.

*Beep*

"Dumped!"

*Click*

Done'd.

I say go see a relationship counselor/therapist.

This is an internet forum. You might get some decent advice here, you'll almost certainly get some bad advice here, but you will NOT get well-informed advice, because none of us know your situation well enough.

My wife and I are seeing a counselor. Not because we're thinking of breaking up, but because we adopted a son and that's been a serious strain... this was suggested to us as sort of "preventative maintenance"... and I think it's been good for us. Just sitting there and talking with someone about a fight or problem you two had can make you (and your SO) see it from a different perspective... and it's totally different than just trying to talk to her about it, because there's that independent person there to moderate things.

The only thing to keep in mind is you have to be comfortable with the counselor. If you're not, go find a different one. There's plenty out there, and you're going to be talking about very personal stuff. Don't worry about trying to be open-minded, if you like black people, white people, old people, young people, men, women, etc. pick a counselor who fits that criteria... someone you'll be totally comfortable with.

If you think she might not be open to seeing someone, try putting it like this:
I really love you (if you do, or at least think you do) but I'm having a hard time not second-guessing things, I'm feeling a lot of uncertainty, and I'd like it if you'd come with me to a relationship counselor so help me figure out what I'm worried about so I can feel better.

Put it in terms of you, she's coming along to help you with your worries, not because you're unhappy with her behavior. That way it's not confrontational ("you're screwed up" or even "we're screwed up").

If necessary, going by yourself can be helpful too. If she won't even consider it, think about it for yourself. The counselor can really talk to you and understand your whole situation and help you with all those questions you wrote.

Call her and leave a message.

*Beep*

"Dumped!"

*Click*

Done'd.

From the guy who posted on here asking how to GET a girlfriend in the first place.... :rolleyes:

"I care about you, but it's just not working out"

if you're doubting now, it's likely that feelig will only increase.
Try counseling if ya wannna, but go with your gut.
my .02 :)

you can't get married until something is resolved, that's for sure. you're at a point now where you HAVE to talk about it. it'll be hard to do, but once you start just talk about all the things you mentioned in this thread.

I've gotten to the point where the first response to the question, "Why are you with her?" is that I've already been with her for so long. I can't see myself with another girl, but I can see myself by myself, and I kind of like the way it looks.

Long story short, we were never really "right" for each other in the first place, but for whatever reason we were both committed to making it work. But the problems that were there in the first place just keep growing and growing. I don't think they'll ever go away.

We're supposed to get married in a little over a year. I bought a ring not too long ago, and once that ring was right in front of me I thought, "Wait a minute. Do I really want to do this?" That ring might make us happy for a while, but before long she'll be moping around again, getting upset at everything I say. I'll be going for a ride and she'll be sitting around watching TV. I'll wake up in a happy mood, and she'll slowly suck my energy away as the day goes on. She might say she's bored. Ok, then let's go for a ride. No, she doesn't feel like it. Ok, then what does she want to do? She doesn't know. Do I really want to go through this the rest of my life? Do I want all of my happiness slowly sucked out of me?

But how do you break up? How can you hurt someone you love? How do you know you're not making a mistake and blowing normal relationship issues out of proportion? How do you deal with it when she finds someone else? How do you deal with it when you find a new girl, but she has been with someone else in the past? How do you know when it's time to give up on something that you've spent years working on?


How do you know she's not feeling the same way but also not saying anything. Someone will be hurt, it's inevitable. Whether it's ego or a deeper hurt. You have to be honest though because you sure don't want to tell her later when you're working on the divorce that your marriage should have never happened in the first place.

I'm probably not the best person to answer this, but...


But how do you break up??
No beating around the bush. Be completely direct with what you want to do and why you want to do it. Once you've broken up, stay broken up. Don't waffle on this.


How can you hurt someone you love?
Let her take care of herself. You have your life to worry about. If you let something bother you that isn't your responsibility, then you're only wasting your time.


How do you know you're not making a mistake and blowing normal relationship issues out of proportion?
Nobody knows if they're making a mistake until they're looking back on their actions. If you're not happy now, then you need to change something. if that doesn't work, then you need to do something else. Rinse and repeat until something works. Also, from what you described, this doesn't sound like normal relationship issues. Like you said earlier, do you really want to go through your life like this?


How do you deal with it when she finds someone else?
You freakin' get over it and wish her a happy life. But if it's something that really bothers you that much, then break off all contact so that you never have to deal with her being with someone else.


How do you deal with it when you find a new girl, but she has been with someone else in the past?
You freakin' get over it. It's unrealistic (and selfish) to expect someone to never have been with anyone else but you. Besides, it's hypocritical to expect a woman to never have been in a prior relationship while you have.


How do you know when it's time to give up on something that you've spent years working on?
Look back over those years. Ask yourself how happy have you been during that time. The solution to your question above should then be obvious.

It's also possible she's clinically depressed. Moping about the house, not wanting to do stuff (especially stuff she would normally enjoy), could be signs of that. In that case again it would be useful to see a counselor/therapist, who'd be a lot better at figuring out if that's likely the case and if she should go get evaluated for depression.

"It's not you, it's me."

Tell her "It's not you, its me."

Just kidding. Seriously, just be honest. Tell her exactly the concerns you have posted here. Sounds like there is a lack of honesty or willingness to communicate on her part. If she opens up, you may find that its something you can work on. If not, the honesty may be painful, but the pain will fade and I think you'll feel better in the end.

You freakin' get over it. It's unrealistic (and selfish) to expect someone to never have been with anyone else but you. Besides, it's hypocritical to expect a woman to never have been in a prior relationship while you have.

unless she's crazy, it'll be good that your future new girlfriend has been in a relationship before. you want someone who knows what a relationship is and has some experience with what works and what doesn't.

You go up to her and say, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee." And then you throw dog poop on her shoes.

It sounds like she's depressed. Maybe not to the point where she's crying all the time (maybe she does and you don't know it) or hurting herself (by moping around and not wanting to spend social time with others all the time is basically hurting oneself). Its not your fault, if you've treated her decently and kindly. Counseling together and/or separately may or may not help. But you need to realise that she may never change, and if you need a cheerful companion on a daily basis throughout your life she may not be your dream girl. Its only fair that she needs to know this. Together, re-evaluate the ring, and set a time schedule of like a year for the two of you to get your stuff together, separately and as a couple, look at the expectations you have of each other and of the relationship, and take it from there.
At the other end of this pointy stick is that you may not be everything she was expecting either.

"There must be 50 ways to leave your lover"
- Paul Simon

Tell her basically what you said in your post, leaving out the examples. Tell her she's a great person but you need more than two great people to make a relationship. Tell her it's not a good fit.

My opinion only, but I think you are beyond counseling. Counseling might make it work for a short time. But you already see that you two are incompatible.

Look at it this way - you both deserve a better life.

It's also possible she's clinically depressed. Moping about the house, not wanting to do stuff (especially stuff she would normally enjoy), could be signs of that. In that case again it would be useful to see a counselor/therapist, who'd be a lot better at figuring out if that's likely the case and if she should go get evaluated for depression.


You forgot to throw in the "co-dependent" and "enabler" terms.

I had a gf that was depressed/psychotic and I told her to go get some help and that I was out of the relationship. Bye. She wasn't getting any better having me around, just worse.

Oh, yeah. To seal the deal, make sure you have sex with either her sister or her best friend.

As trite as it may seem, ask yourself the ole Ann Landers question: Are you better off with her or without her?


but I can see myself by myself, and I kind of like the way it looks.

You seem to have answered that question already.

Again, not to sound trite...... if you're having any doubts, don't get married cuz being married won't make those doubts disappear. Hold the wedding plans and get counseling/talk/work it out. Don't worry about what others think (friends, family...). They will understand. Trust me..... they'll understand way more than you'd expect.

Oh, yeah. To seal the deal, make sure you have sex with either her sister or her best friend.


Yes, and don't forget to not only do this, but include this in the videotape you mail to her indicating that you are breaking up....namely have a giant flashing ticking banner right under the homemade porn she is watching of you and her relative that says "I'm glad you aren't here, it's over....BYE! :D"

you just send her an email saying you're breaking up, those are a girl's favorite or better yet a smoke signal from your house to hers..
I dont know.. there is no good way to break up, you just got to be true to yourself.

Sounds like its time to move on! You need to be honest with yourself as well as her. You listed reasons why to us. You need to just tell her the same thing. Forget about the what ifs too. People will always be hurt when you end a relationship its just the facts of life. You can't go on worrying about feelings being hurt cause most likely its just going to happen.

Another thing too. It doesn't sound like you two share the same goals in life?? What do both of you want?? Our you on the same road and if not will your roads meet up someday?? I really believe that two people need to have at least one common bond that binds them togther. Without this there is no team!!!

Good luck.

I am sincerely curious to know why, if you both felt that you were never right for each other, have you even gotten this far?

You got to get out of that the hell with a councilor. Why go on?

I am sincerely curious to know why, if you both felt that you were never right for each other, have you even gotten this far?

You got to get out of that the hell with a councilor. Why go on?


+1 sounds like anytime spent in counseling would just be wasted time.


Edit Unless it's personal counseling because, reading the OP again, it sounds like you could use it before heading into another relationship.

My ex used a lawyer.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

I had to break up with a girlfriend once. I told her my wife wouldn't let me see her anymore.
She torched my car, kicked me in the crotch and killed my dog.
I think she took it pretty well.

Seriously, it sounds like you are both pretty young and she may have some issues with insecurity. As mentioned above, be direct. Be as kind as you can, but tell her that you can't and won't continue with where this relationship is going. Be happy for her, when she finds someone else and don't flaunt it, if you find another girlfriend first.

It's not that she's depressed, it's just that we don't like doing the same things. I like riding my bike, running, etc., but she's doesn't like any of that. What's annoying is that she'll complain about getting fat and stuff like that but never do anything about it. She likes TV and movies, but that stuff bores me to death.

It's not really that she's always in a bad mood, either. It's just kind of a downer to me if I ask her to go for a ride with her and she says no, because I feel like I do a lot of watching TV and movies with her even though I don't want to. The other thing is that if I say something dumb (happens often) she'll use it against me for the rest of the day or longer. It's very annoying to get like a 4 hour long cold sholder for one smartass comment. It's almost like she's happier being mad at me.

I'm not much of a social person, so finding someone else would be a nightmare. Besides, I'm damaged goods at this point. I just want someone who is into sports, is happy most of the time, and who can have a good time without drinking an/or spending lots of money. I'm not sure how easily I can find that.

Anyway, I doubt she thinks I'm perfect, but I don't think she wants to end things. That's what makes this so hard. I mean, my thoughts are there and they've been around off and on for a while, but how do you know if and when you should act on that impulse?

:rolleyes: I thought I knew how to break up with someone..
I told him I didnt have it in me to continue, I told him maybe we should be friends.
I told him, I built a wall and I dont think it can come down. I told him I want to make peace and move on.
it worked great, he told me that he would book us a trip in florida and told me we should go out for lunch and bring me shopping.
yeah, I really know just how to break up with someone:rolleyes:

Sounds like you know already. I've had a relationship like that which eventually led to self-destruction. I felt exactly the same as you and was just plucking up the courage to end it when she did. Over the phone. On the first day of a two week trip offshore. Yes, I was devastated, and in hindsight I recognise that was because it was her who pulled the plug, her who had the control. I hardly ate all trip - I lost a stone and a bit and nearly collapsed. When I got home I moved all my ***** out and back to my folks' place.
I spent a few weeks drinking. And you know what? Those few weeks drinking did me the world of good. I made loads of friends in that pub. Friends I still have. I found I had loads more cash because I didn't have a leech of a girl. I bought the car I'd wanted since I was 11. Life got better and I didn't care about being single. Not caring about being single seems to be a sure-fire way of getting laid too...
Breaking up with her was the best decision that she's ever made. I'm much happier now, have the girl of my dreams, still have that car (and another, heh heh!), my only regret is that I didn't break it off. And much sooner. I wasted three and a half years of my life. If you stay with this girl, you'll waste all of yours. Don't do that.

but how do you know if and when you should act on that impulse?

i think you're figuring that out now. but first you gotta talk to her. who knows, maybe she'll make a genuine effort to change and maybe she isn't interested in changing. but you'll never know until you lay it all out on the table. sounds to me as if you should do that as soon as possible.

If you've had those thoughts for a while now, you wouldn't be acting on impulse.

She must have some qualities you haven't told us about or you wouldn't be with her. But honestly, you haven't mentioned anything admirable, attractive, or endearing about her to us.

In the eraly eighties I was real tired of a girlfriend I had then of about two years. I spent weeks, maybe months trying to figure out how to drop her without breaking her heart. So one evening after hot sex, she asks me to walk her a few blocks to her bus stop. In the four blocks or so to get there, she unloads me like a sack of spuds off the back of a pick up truck. I never saw it coming! The best thing: problem solved! Everybody lived happily ever after.
The moral of the story? She was thinking and feeling the same things about me the whole time.

Besides, I'm damaged goods at this point.
Don't worry about that. Everyone is.

^^^Too true. Being damaged goods is part of what makes you you. If your whole life was perfect, it would actually suck.

yes it is.. all I have became is from my past experience, weather it's good or bad but i know it's just "me"
I dont know which one is the hardest... breaking someone's heart or having yours broken.
when you have yours broken you get anger and when you break someone's you feel guilt. I feel guilt right now and would rather in a miliion years have the pain inflicted on me
ohh yeah.. sorry, we were talking about someone else's heartache, werent we?
does everything always have to be about me???? now enough of me, now you tell me what YOU think of me..:p

If you're gonna do something, do it soon before you're guilted into marrying her. You get to keep your stuff that way.

Or have a really awkward conversation with her about the possibility of an open relationship.

How to break up?

Post a personals ad for them on craigslist and...wait.

From the guy who posted on here asking how to GET a girlfriend in the first place.... :rolleyes:

Hey, I've seen it done.

It wasn't me that did it, but it's been done.

Oh, yeah. To seal the deal, make sure you have sex with either her sister or her best friend.

Or both!

How to break up with someone, Volume I.

Step 1: Wait until significant other goes to work.
Step 2: Move to a different state.
Step 3: There is no step 3.

Just don't do it like some of the teenagers at my school do...don't write a note and ask someone ELSE to give it to her!