General Cycling Discussion - Dealing with the loss of a very good friend.

I lost my best friend today, he is the one who was injured badly in the the fall off the 20 ft drop. He developed over the last few days a state of depression, I recieved a call from my parents say that my friends parents found him dead on the floor Sunday Afternoon with slit wrists, he committed suicide. I've talked to his parents and they wish to be left alone. I now have to face this head first, I've got to deal with it, I will be strong. RIP Jake, 1981-2003.:(

Danka-

Like you, I lost a good friend... very close. I fell into a deep depression myself over my loss, but I am better. My friend became ill suddenly, deteriorated slowly over a year, suffered with excrutiating pain every day, and then finally died. It was horrifying to witness. I couldn't deal with it.

I did eventually turn to friends, and I also turned to the forum. There are a lot of kind people here that will offer kind words of support and advice if you want. Cry if you need to, but also turn to the people around you for support- don't let the grief envelop you, because you'll have a hard time getting past such a horrible time.

I am so sorry you lost your friend. Feel free to email or PM anytime. I will add his name to my prayers I say for my friend.

Take care,

Koffee

:(

The loss of a friend is always hard. Sorry, Danka. And sorry for your loss too, Koffee.

Firstly, Danka, I am sorry to hear about your loss. While I've never had to deal with this, I think the advice that Koffee gives is sound (also sorry to hear about your loss, Koffee). Take as much time as you need to deal with it, and talk to friends about it when you feel you are ready.

i know how you feel, saturday a week ago(25/01/03) a good friend & workmate was killed in our workshop after being hit by a rake of passenger cars we were shunting into the workshop, exactly what happened we dont realy know as all the safety procedures were in place, workshop strobe lights flashing, sirens sounding ect. he had a fractured skull & severed spinal columb but it looked like he bleed to death from internal injury as well as there was a lot of blood poring from his mouth, we are waiting for the coroners report & hearing to find out if he may have had some kind of seizure &stagered between the cars.we had his funeral last wednesday, it was a heart breaking experiance as we have all worked together in our depot for more than 10 yrs.
i myself felt / feel quite depressed & having trouble getting motivated, even riding my extra Ks on my homeward commute has been a big effort, but we have each others support at work & my wife & daughters have been great. so no dought we,ll get thru it .

almost exactly 20 years ago, a woman i cared about very deeply committed suicide. we hadn't been seeing each other at that point and i got the news by second hand. i still think about her almost every day. over the years i have felt intense guilt that i hadn't been there for her, but i know that i had nothing to do with her decision. and yet, it still hurts.

it will always hurt. but i know i owe much of what i am today to her. most of the time i think about her and i just feel so glad i had her in my life, even if only briefly.

i don't know why i'm writing this. i guess i have her on my mind more these days; i guess i just wanted to share. memories aren't all bad.

Danka,

I'm sorry for your loss, I know how hard it really is.
I worked in that particular field (psych) for way too long
and have seen way too many friends go that way.
When you get to the anger, don't stop it, its normal.
PM me if you need/want to.

My best friend from South Africa is coming home in the
next week or so to say final farewells to his friends/family
as he is in terminal stages of cancer. At least I'll find some
closure with him, as painful as it is.

Marty

First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. My best friend was killed on 4/8/2001 in a motorcycle accident. The bike he was riding was one that I had sold him the year before. I still think about Jim every day.

You really need to grieve first. Then, you need to find someone to talk to about this whole situation. During these intense next few weeks, think about your bud and the great times that you've shared. Don't concern yourself with the end - think about the great journey that was his life. I know that it's difficult to think in those terms now. However, those are the thoughts that eventually brought me to grips with the loss of my best bud. You'll never get over it, but you can go on.

We'll all be thinking of you, and Jake. :angel:

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss Danka.

In late May of last year, my best friend had a brain aneurysm and would up ICU (which is rare, usually you die on the post). He was in a coma for a week and ultimately died. Its hard to see your best friend lying in a bed comotose with about a million tubes coming in and out. Luckily I had a supportive boss at work who gave me all the time off I needed to be at the hospital and supportive friends who I could talk to. I still think about him almost everyday. I visit him in the cemetary regularly also.

You just have to keep and objective mind about it and try not to getting depressed. I would advice to stay away from mutual friends is possible because that can trigger additional sadness.

You really need to grieve first. Then, you need to find someone to talk to about this whole situation.

YES!

my best friend Jeff died from a heart attack at the age of 24 in 1997. he had some kind of birth defect with his heart but had never told anyone. he was the most extraordinary person i have ever known - and i'm not just saying that in retrospect.

6 days before he died i had written him an email and made a half-serious/half-joking comment about how he should lighten-up b/c he was going to killing himself from overwork as he was a massive overachiever... re-reading my email was a chilling experience.

talk to friends and family. i found it also helped to just find people i hardly knew who were willing to listen to me. for about 3-4 weeks i was often in like some kind of state of shock where i just didn't see the point in doing anything - i mean if someone as cool as Jeff was just gone, then why? was there a point to anything? it made me really think a lot and re-assess my life.

in my case it was in some ways easier and in some ways harder b/c we had both moved away from Houston about 6 months before (he to start grad school at Georgetown and me to start a new job in Portland Oregon) - easier in that i had already gotten used to not seeing him every day, but harder in that i had less immediate contact with friends that knew him so i had to deal with most of it myself (like those Sunday mornings alone in your room)

in time, i've learned more to concentrate on the memories and the great things he did contribute to my life. for example, as we often had long discussions about life and ourselves, when faced with a difficult decision i often ask myself "What would Jeff say about such and such?"

life can be mean and cruel. when something like this happens, to be sad and to grieve is normal - up to a point. if it gets out of control don't be afraid to ask for help.

Danka,

I'm really sorry to hear of your close friend's passing.

I havn't had a best friend die and can only imagine the pain and anger you are experiencing.

My closest friends are legendary in my mind. Gather the epic times in your head and hold these close. He was made of these times, not the darkness he must have felt at the end.

Danka, you have my deepest sympathies. As you can tell from the posts above, you are not alone. We all suffer deep and painful losses in this life and grief just plain hurts. Coping with a suicide is especially hard. Suicide seems so senseless. I can only imagine the pain and depression that your friend must have endured to make death seem preferable to life.

I am sorry for your grief. Let yourself feel it, and know that one day you will remember your friend without feeling the pain that you feel now.

I'll send up prayers for you.

Ah what... Nobody will get out of here alive.

When one of my best friends committed suicide, I couldn't even go to the funeral. I was so mad, I was having a hard time functioning. I still find it hard to believe. He could have come to my house and I would have stopped the world to help him handle his problems. The pain some people suffer must be worse than we can ever imagine.

I will pray for you and the people who loved him.

Originally posted by danka24
I lost my best friend today, he is the one who was injured badly in the the fall off the 20 ft drop. He developed over the last few days a state of depression, I recieved a call from my parents say that my friends parents found him dead on the floor Sunday Afternoon with slit wrists, he committed suicide. I've talked to his parents and they wish to be left alone. I now have to face this head first, I've got to deal with it, I will be strong. RIP Jake, 1981-2003.:(

I totally sympathize with you. I had a similar experience late last year. After trying to contact a long time friend that I hadn't spoken to in a few months, I phoning some mutual friends and got a strange almost blunt response with no info. Finally, I phoned his dad on the east coast and was told to my surprise that J (31yrs) had just committed suicide in a hotel room here in SoCA, and left a note of apology. J felt he had let down everybody because he got a DUI a few days before and lost his job earlier. :( What a waste :cry:

What's frustrated me since...the feelings of unanswered questions and thinking I knew him. :confused: J was a great guy and his lack of presents has been felt by all that knew him.

Sorry for your loss Danka. I too lost my best friend to suicide on May 16, 2000. It is a tragic waste and a horrible shame. It is going to hurt for a long time, and it should, but please don't waste any time blaming yourself. There wasn't anything you could have done. God bless.

Danka - Always remember the good times you had with your friend. No-one can take them from you.

Deepest Sympathies

My condolences to all of you who have suffered losses. Try to remember the good times with them, and remember your friends (including us here on the forums)who support you.

My goodness, so young. I am really horrified at all the stories of suicides. What on earth is happening here? I haven't lost anyone that way, but I did hear a terrible story not long ago. I guy I knew in high school, only vaguely, I heard he'd died and I guessed it was from AIDS, I was pretty sure. It turns out he'd been sick with AIDS and committed suicide. It was just horrible, even though I'd only known him slightly and hadn't seen him in years. What drives people to do this, aside from terminal illness, it seems hard to understand.

Lotek, that friend you mentioned, is that the one with Bladder cancer? I remember you mentioned him but I thought he was OK, unless this is another person.

Danka...so very very sorry for you. I hope you find others there close to you that you can draw support from.


I think most of us on here sound like a fairly well-grounded and satisfied bunch overall. Our posts are a wonderful montage of viewpoints centered around a theme of "biking as happiness" but I'm sure there are those among our ranks who have quietly contemplated suicide at some time or another--or even right now-- and maybe thinking of Danka's pain and loss will remind you that it's only the easy way out for YOU. While you may see it as putting an end to your suffering and anguish, it is simply passing it on to the others that loved you as grief and guilt.

sorry if i sound preachy

Wabbit,

Yes thats the one. He was diagnosed less than a year
ago. It has come back with a vengance and as I said
he is coming home to say good bye. He wanted to come
back in April but the Docs are saying he won't survive
that long.

Marty

First of all, thanks for the kind words of support.

2nd-I have my first race of the season in two weeks, I've decided to ride it in his honor.RIP Reaper(Nick Name) (http://groups.msn.com/BicyclingForumPicPost/danka24pics.msnw?action=ShowPhoto&PhotoID=1720)

I'm sorry for your loss.

I've been in your spot. Your friends and family will help you through. If there is any way we can help, don't hesitate to post.

Russ

I am sorry for your loss it is sometimes hard to come to grips with just what happened especially at such a young age. My prayers and thoughts are with you, his family and other friends. I am just dealing with the loss of two friends in the mater of days it has made me a bit more introspective then normal and has re-enforced my love of cycling. I have been using it as therapy to help me. I think it is good of you to honor your friend in your first race. Know that we will all be with you in spirit and prayer on that day.

Originally posted by danka24
First of all, thanks for the kind words of support.

2nd-I have my first race of the season in two weeks, I've decided to ride it in his honor.RIP Reaper(Nick Name) (http://groups.msn.com/BicyclingForumPicPost/danka24pics.msnw?action=ShowPhoto&PhotoID=1720)

Great idea - he'll be your co-pilot. Trust me, you will feel his presence. I know becasue I did the same thing in a 24-hour race in 2001 (the year of my best buds death). Our team made the podium for the 1st time ever that year. I know that Jim was right there with me on my laps, as well as on the podium.

Here's the pic from your link for others to view:

Lotek, that's really too bad. Fromwhat you told me it it sounded like the guy was doing all right, sorry that things have taken a turn for the worse. I guess not everyone beats the disease and it's a shame when it's someone young.

A friend of ours also died of cancer a few years ago. We were both horrified when we heard about it. We hadn't seen or heard from her in a long time and we'd assumed she was travelling. Then another mutual friend sent me an email with her obituary in it- she had died of leukemia just a few weeks earlier in Toronto. We hadn't even known she was sick, and we were just blown away, it was such a shock, especially because we hadn't seen her in a while and had no idea anything was wrong! Just horrible.

The other posters have expressed my feelings very well. One does not reach my age (52) without having lost several good friends to illness or trauma. Honor your friend's memory by recalling the good times you enjoyed and by being a friend to as many other people as you can.