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08-29-06, 09:50 PM
If anyone reading this plays the viola, I apologize in advance.
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What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
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What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
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What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
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What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
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Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
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What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
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Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
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How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
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Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
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Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
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Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
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Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
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If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Who cares?
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A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
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What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.
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What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.
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Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.
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What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
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******************************************
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Who cares?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
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