Foo - make me feel better:(

Im upset.
I was driving my daughter and her bf to the mall and i was listening to thier conversations. make a story short, after 6 months of being with her, his answers didnt impress me when he was talking to her. She was very nice and loving and he just didnt seem to care, which is not true, he does care have shown it plenty, but at this moment in time, he just wasnt treating her like i thought he should. didnt bother her, but it bothered me, so I spoke up... huge mistake. I wanted him to know that it is not acceptable, but maybe it wasnt for me to speak up. It caused me and him to argue in that car about something that she should of been upset about, she was but had opted for not saying anything, so i just basically had an argument about my values to HER bf!
I wanted him to treat her right :( she 's my baby and i knew her feelings were hurt but she wouldnt say and I made things 100 times worst. She ended up telling me it was MY fault that everyone was now fighting, and she's right... it was :(
have I become my mother? thought I was a cool mom.. I had no right to go into her business.

Sometimes you just have to speak up and let people know how you feel. Maybe your actions now will help avert an even more unforunate event later. If the two really care for each other, which they apparently do, they will work it out. At least now, he knows how you feel on the respect issue. Sometimes being a parent means that you can't be cool and go with the flow. Our children use their parents as moral compasses. You helped steer both of them in the right direction I hope.

This is one of those private things, where you wait for the bf to not be around to let your daughter know your opinion. Bad move, but with the best intentions. Tell her your sorry, and forget about. We only live once, getting caught up in the stupid things is just useless.

It was a mistake, I see that now. She doesnt speak up for herself so I tend to do that for her, I fight her battles, instead of giving her the weapons the fight it herself. I will forget about it but right now Im upset, it's like I jerperdised her relationship, I desappointed her, all of this cause I wanted to stand up for her.

I'm sorry things didn't go well. But you did what you believed to be best at the time. That's all you really can do. And if he wasn't treating her right (even if he normally does treat her right), then I fully support your decision to speak up. Even if it causes some uncomfortable situations.

Awwww, everyone makes mistakes! It may not even end up being a mistake. I think it is sweet to stand up for people you love and care about. Maybe your daughter did feel bad about how her bf was treating her, and maybe she'll look back on this someday and see how lucky she is to have such a great mom who cares about her so much. You are a wonderful mother, there is certainly no perfect set of rules for parenting that apply to everyone. It sounds like you do a lot for your children and let them have a lot of individual choices as well. You could always try to make up with her bf and set things straight, and it will probably all blow over. (HUGS)

Hopefully they're not that serious (in their relationship). I think you made a boo-boo, acknowledge you went a bit overboard, give it a couple days and maybe treat them to a little lunch or a movie, and it ought to pass by.

Unless I think they're headed for danger, I try to let my children learn from their own mistakes - or from each others' :) I think they learn the lesson better when it happens that way. Listen to them, and maybe subtly plant the seeds that will help them to realize what you see is lacking (maybe ask your daughter "What did your bf say about your new hairstyle?" or whatever), and let their wheels finish doing the turning.

That said, I still do butt heads on occasion with my two. I try not to pile on, and we seem to get past the rough spots ok.

Hang in there BDG. You need to keep your happy face on for the big weekend. :) :) :)

Maybe after this cools down, you could have a conversation with her about being a peacekeeper. At what cost to oneself is one willing to keep the peace? At what point is it a false peace, where there is overt antagonism and hidden hurt and resentment?

It wasn't uncool to tell the guy to cut the crap. It obviously bothered you, so you could have addressed it as an issue between you two without reference to your daughter. You might also do so in the future. I call it modelling good personal boundaries.

+1 on Zorro's comments about danger v. useful mistakes.

I think you chalk this one up as an oops moment. Remember, she's only 16 and probably going to have other boyfriends in the future. You'll have a better feeling on how to handle the same sitution, should it arise in the future.

Geez.... my girls are 22 months and 3 months old. I think I'll let my wife handle all that teenage stuff when it rolls around.... :o

You sound like my wife. You already know you just need to give her the tools to deal with it herself. I also believe one should never comprimise her values just to make somebody else happy. We as parents are learning on the fly, just like our kids are. Its hard to keep out of there business, of course when I was living at home, my parents always told me everything is ther business until Im living on my own.:rolleyes: Oh well, give yerself a break, your only guilty of caring about your daughter.:D

Sean

I thought parents were supposed to be up in their kids business? You may have gone about it wrong, but even that's debatable. Maybe you both learned a lesson. You let her handle her personal business (to a point, let's be reasonable, she's still a minor) and she sees that she should stand up for herself and not let people walk all over her.

Maybe after this cools down, you could have a conversation with her about being a peacekeeper. At what cost to oneself is one willing to keep the peace? At what point is it a false peace, where there is overt antagonism and hidden hurt and resentment?

It wasn't uncool to tell the guy to cut the crap. It obviously bothered you, so you could have addressed it as an issue between you two without reference to your daughter. You might also do so in the future. I call it modelling good personal boundaries.
thanks for the kind words you guys, you are helping me see another side, but you bromax mention something i am worried about, the cost on herself for always trying to keep the peace and not wanting to make him upset, that bothers me a great deal that he is always first before her. and I did just do what you said, i did tell him dont take your anger out on her if I made you upset, keep it with me because this is between you and me..

Any details on specifically what her bf was doing to be disrespectful?

remember, being a parent is not a popularity contest, its about raising are kids to be the best they can be, and preparing them for the adulthood.

I'd say talk to you daughter first. Tell her your concerns and ask her what she wants out of the relationship. Values and dating scenarios changes with time. In my mum's youth, for a boy to show up without neat hair and pressed suit was a stoning offence. On dates, the boy would always drive and there would be a chaperone. When I started dating, she was highly concerned that I would leave for dates with messy hair or that I would ride my bike over to the girl's house. I think we have to accept what is the social norm that's appropriate for the kids involved.

So separate the means from the ends. First define the end-results you want: Is the BF giving her what she wants? Is your daughter happy? If so, everything's fine and you might want to let things slide.

If however, your daughter's not happy in the relationship and want different results, ask her what would make her happy. Help her fine ways of expressing that desire to the BF and help her follow through with asking for what she wants.* Then it's up to him to come up with the means to deliver.

It's like results-oriented management. Don't micro-manage the path there, just delegate the task, define the results you want and let them find the best way there.

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* This is most likely not the last BF your daughter will have in her life. You will not always be around every situation your daughter faces in life. IMHO, I think it's best to teach and guide her in ways to getting results for herself. If I can't trust my kids to make prudent choices on their own, then I haven't lived up to my responsibility in teaching them manners, values and ethics. You're doing a great job and your concern shows it. :)

Any guy that argues with his girlfriend's mother while he's being driven by her, unless there's some history there, isn't worth it...

I didn't read all of the responses, so I apologize if this has already been posted.

If the boy was really out of line with something he said, then you did the right thing. Were you involved in their conversation at that point, or were you eavesdropping? I fear the day I turn into my child's enemy, no longer his best friend. :(

Any guy that argues with his girlfriend's mother while he's being driven by her, unless there's some history there, isn't worth it...
I agree... I did mention this to him, I was very upset and told him he was being very disrespectful for arguing with me, and he got defensive about it all while continuing to argue. I was beside myself at this point,
he calmed down a while later and said he was sorry but however this kind of change how I view him now.He is a good kid but he comes from a very tough back ground where everyone around him have giving up on life and on taking care of him ( they cant take care of themselves) Im one of the few that was good to him, I think that's why this hit him so hard, I was saying I was desappointed in him for how he was treating my kid, but just the fact that i was desappointed in him might have hit him hard since i am one of the few he felt was being supportive of him... this is complicated, I mean Im a good parent to him but my daughter comes first!

You're not his parent... There's nothing you can or should do to change him.. if he doesn't meet your standards, you have to cut him off at some point. But that may turn your daughter against you as well... tough situation...


... I think there was a parable about the scorpion and the frog somewhere... I gotta go look this up...

I didn't read all of the responses, so I apologize if this has already been posted.

If the boy was really out of line with something he said, then you did the right thing. Were you involved in their conversation at that point, or were you eavesdropping? I fear the day I turn into my child's enemy, no longer his best friend. :(
I agree but i cant always be her best friend :( I also have to be the parent! but yeah, my heart is aching right now that she viewed me like the ennemie

I need a hug!!!!

Poor Karen. :( <HUG>

I need a hug!!!!
I will sweep you off your feet with my bulging muscles, hugging you for as long as you like :D

:lol:

(hugs)

Hey, you're just human. And he's human. And sometimes things just aren't pleasant.
*hugs*. Keep doing what you think is right.

http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e346/DannoXYZ/GraemlinsSmilies/Thumbs.gif http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e346/DannoXYZ/GraemlinsSmilies/Thumbs.gif bisous

People make mistakes all the time. Your daugher's boyfriend, for example. He could make the mistake of one day, when he's the only one home, leaving the oven on without the pilot lit. Maybe some faulty wiring sets it all off in a beatiful flower of fire and destruction. Or, you know, not making sure his brake-lines are properly sealed. Lose a little pressure and a semi pulls out in front of him, it's all over. It's really amazing how often accidents like this happenen...

OK got to out... got to move on now..
ps ( this is how i deal with things let them all out BUT move one quick!)
poeple hate me for it, but this is how I deal with pain and life, things happend, get a good cry for a few and pack your bag and move on to something else. The only way I know how to cope.
I thank you all... really, the hugs and everything.. a listening ear or 100 is sometimes what we need. ill talk to her when she gets home an put all this behind
:) big hugs back to all of you!

People make mistakes all the time. Your daugher's boyfriend, for example. He could make the mistake of one day, when he's the only one home, leaving the oven on without the pilot lit. Maybe some faulty wiring sets it all off in a beatiful flower of fire and destruction. Or, you know, not making sure his brake-lines are properly sealed. Lose a little pressure and a semi pulls out in front of him, it's all over. It's really amazing how often accidents like this happenen...My cousins Guido & Luigi must be the most clumsy people alive... everyone they encounter seems to have an accident...

:lol:

All I can offer is hugs. :)

My source of problems and love for years to come :)

Your daughter is what... 13 years old?

Nice scarf. She favors you.

Buy her a bike.

((((Hugs))) You're a good parent. Sorry, great parent.

No shame in standing up for your little girl. Damn the parent that won't. It might have stung her feelings, but I bet she is going to stand up for her daughter. Acts of kindness are not always painless (believe you me I know). In my house, you both would be coming home to flowers after that car ride.

Bear hugs,

--A

Maybe next time she'll think twice about putting up with her boyfriend's ******bagginess. If she doesn't, embarass her some more!

you are your mother...I am my father...it is inevitable....sucks at times.

Make ME feel better.

Don't beat yourself up too much - hindsight is always 20/20. It's pretty rare for someone to go through life and not have something that they wish they had done differently. And for those people who have never made a mistake and done everything perfectly... they're delusional. You did what you thought was best at the time, and that will give you references and experiences to consider for similar situations in the future (whether it is with your daughter and her boyfriend, a new boyfriend, other family members, co-workers, etc.) I wouldn't look at it as a mistake as much as a learning opportunity. After all, you had admirable goals and no one really got hurt.

When he started showing you disrespect you should have put his punk butt out of the car! I have 2 girls(15 and 17) I treat them with respect and any BF will as well. Right now they're big intrest is their horses. No bf in the pic right now, that suits me fine. You care, and thats whats really important.:)

Sounds like you did nothing wrong, BDG. If my sister's boyfriend had similarly argued with my parents, he would not have gotten off so lightly :). Don't worry, doesn't sound like you went over the top at all. But you've already moved on, anyway!

thanks guys... had a good talk with her last night and she said everything was fine, to just trust her more that she can take care of herself.
now I know what I should do and shoulnt, I guess Ill always stick up for my kid, but there is other ways to do so and being a bit more diplomatic about it.
I guess he wants to send me flowers, good ending this time. I know better for next time.
thank you all for listening and giving me advice.:)

Glad to hear it ended well, but what happened to you? You look like you've shrunk! :eek:

lol! no kidding!!! Im trying to put my picture back that pheard made me take off cause he said i looked old!!! I want it back and it wont let me put it back, it says it's always too big.. oh brother, now i look like an ant!!!

lol! no kidding!!! Im trying to put my picture back that pheard made me take off cause he said i looked old!!! I want it back and it wont let me put it back, it says it's always too big.. oh brother, now i look like an ant!!!

Try reducing the resolution and increasing the dimensions.

lol! no kidding!!! Im trying to put my picture back that pheard made me take off cause he said i looked old!!! I want it back and it wont let me put it back, it says it's always too big.. oh brother, now i look like an ant!!!

BDG, he said that I looked old too. I think anyone that looks older than 19 is going to be ancient to him! :p

Glad things worked out for you, it sounds like you two have a great relationship. She sounds like a great kid who is patient. But trust me. She sees a strong mom like you and is learning from it. She sees how you are and knows that you are good at taking care of youself. You are being an excellent model and she is going to be just like you. You are a fantastic mom. ((hugs)) to you, sister! :)

Make ME feel better.