Jokes & Humor - Whats your favorite Joke?

A guy walks into a bar and see's a huge Jar on the bar full of 20 dollar bills.
Out of curiosity he ask's the bartender what the jar of cash is for.
The bartender point's at a horse in a back room and says:
"anyone who can make the horse laugh gets the jar, you pay 20 bucks to try"
Man thinks about this for a second and then put's 20 bucks in the jar and confidently walks over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear.
The horse immediatly starts laughing really loud, I mean stomping his hoof's and carrying on.
the man collects his jar of money and leaves the bar.
About a week later the same man walks into the same bar and see's another jar of money one the bar and curious he asks the bartender.
Bartender say's "this time its not so easy, this time you have to make the horse cry" he says pointing in the direction of the back room.
Man thinks about it for a minute then puts his 20 in the jar and heads for the back room with confidence.
The man walks over and whispers something in the horses ear and immediatly the horse starts crying, stomping his hooves and carrying on.
The man walks over to the bar and grabs the jar of money and the bartender say's "hold on a second buddy....at least tell us how you did it"
The man smiles and say's:
the first time I told him my d*** was bigger than his
and the second time I showed him.

I don't know if I can pick a FAVORITE....but posted this one in the joke forum a week or two ago and thought it was great.

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The Elephant

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he
came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He
got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large
thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant
gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a
rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man
stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.


One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached
the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where
they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help
wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in
wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the
man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing
him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

A guy that’s driving a refrigerated truck full of penguins breaks down on his way to the zoo. Stranded on the side of the road, he flags down another refrigerated truck passing by. The driver of the first truck explains his situation and asks “if I gave you $50, would you take these penguins to the zoo?” The second driver agrees, loads the penguins into the second truck and takes off.

About an hour later the first driver is standing on the side of the road and notices the second truck approaching and it’s filled with penguins.

“What are you doing?” he asks the second driver, “I gave you $50 to take these penguins to the zoo!”

“I did” the second driver replied, “and we had some money left over so now we’re going to the movies”.

frog goes into a bank and walks up to the window. He can see from the teller’s nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a yacht and go on a cruise." Ms. Whack asks how much money he wants to borrow. The frog says around $55,000. Ms. Whack asks the frog his name and he replies "Kermit Jagger, it shouldn’t be a problem, I know the branch manager." Ms. Whack explains that $55,000 is a large sum of money and that he will need to put up something as collateral against the loan. She asks "do you have anything as collateral?" Kermit says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a small pewter cricket, about an inch tall. Stunned, Ms. Whack explains that she'll have to speak with the branch manager and walks into an office at the front of the bank. She finds the branch manager and says: "There's a frog by the named of Kermit Jagger out there who says he knows you and wants to borrow $55,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the small pewter cricket. "Like, what is this thing suppose to be?" So the branch manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Oh...my...god...

Ok, this is bound to make you either laugh or threaten
to wring my neck.

Best Blond Joke Ever Written:
http://letterk.net/2006/01/19/best-blonde-joke-ever/

burglar prowling through a house hears a voice..."Jesus is watching you." He looks around and sees nothing...figures his mind is playing tricks on him...seconds later the voice again..."Jesus is watching you." Burglar spins around and see a cage with a large Parrot inside. "Did you say that?", asks the burglar. The Parrot replies, "Yes, it was me." The burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot replies, "Clarence". The burglar asks, "What kind of an idiot would name a parrot, Clarence?" Parrot replies, "The same one that named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

Ok, so there's this guy with a b-b-b-bad s-s-s-stu-tu-tutter and he's finding it tough to get a job. He approaches his bible salesman uncle to see if he'll give him a break. His uncle doesnt hold too much hope but being family and all decides to give the kid a shot. First day on the job...

Uncle "here's a box of bibles, go door-to-door and come back once you've sold that lot"

Kid "o-o-o-ok u-u-u-uncle"

1/2 hour later... "u-u-u-u-ncle, I s-s-sold a-a-all th-th-the b-b-b-bibles"

The uncle is surprised, and gives him 4 boxes and sends him on his way...

1 hour later... "u-u-u-u-ncle, I s-s-sold a-a-all th-th-the b-b-b-bibles"

The uncle is amazed, this kid is better than the best salesmen so he sits him down...

Uncle "you're outselling all my best and most experienced salesmen, tell my your secret? whats your angle?"

Kid "my a-a-a-angle? w-w-w-what d-d-d-do y-y-you m-m-m-mean?"

"you know, your angle! what do you say to people to get them to buy all these bibles?"

"o-oh th-th-th-thats e-e-e-eas-s-s-sy, I kno-kno-knock o-o-o-on th-th-th-the d-d-d-door, a-a-a-and wh-wh-when th-th-they a-a-a-answer th-th-the d-d-d-door I I I s-s-s-say e-e-e-e-e-e-excus-s-s-s-s-m-m-m-me, d-d-d-do y-y-y-you w-w-w-want t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy a a a a b-b-b-bible o-o-o-or sh-sh-sh-should I I I I j-j-j-just r-r-r-r-read i-i-i-it t-t-to y-y-you?"

My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time
to reminisce.


The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips she would
make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with her, and the advice she
used to give.


Much was wasted because I was so young.


If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better
man.


Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the
crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12.


We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a
beautiful spring day.


She told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. "And
son," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."


"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.


And she smiled and answered, "Makes your d1ck look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

burglar prowling through a house hears a voice..."Jesus is watching you." He looks around and sees nothing...figures his mind is playing tricks on him...seconds later the voice again..."Jesus is watching you." Burglar spins around and see a cage with a large Parrot inside. "Did you say that?", asks the burglar. The Parrot replies, "Yes, it was me." The burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot replies, "Clarence". The burglar asks, "What kind of an idiot would name a parrot, Clarence?" Parrot replies, "The same one that named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

lol,

Jesus Christ walks into an inn
hands the inkeeper 3 nails and says...
"can you put me up for the night?"

Paddy and Mick are waling along the street and see an old lady.

Mick says "Is that Mother Theresa? I'm sure thats Mother Theresa!!"

Paddy says "Lets go find out"

So Paddy goes up to the old lady and says "Are you Mother Theresa?" She looks at him and squarely kicks him in the bollocks and when he's down keeps hitting him with her handbag and yelling "F**k off you f****n b****s c**k s*****g son of a b***c!!" and then she runs away down an alley and gets away.

Mick says "Now we'll never know"

the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral is one less drunk.

Ok, this is bound to make you either laugh or threaten
to wring my neck.

Best Blond Joke Ever Written:
http://letterk.net/2006/01/19/best-blonde-joke-ever/

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT! Too bad I can't tell it to anyone...

That being said...

A guy is in a bar and has had far too much to drink. The bartender cuts him off.

"Hey, buddy, no more for you. Let me call you a cab."

"AAAAAH. I don't need you, I'm leaving!" The drunk stumbles out the door.

About five minute later, He returns through a side door.

"GIMME A DRINK!" He shouts.

"Hey, buddy, let me call you a cab, I'm not giving you any more to drink."

"AAAAAH. I don't need you, I'm leaving!" The drunk stumbles out the door.

About five minute later, He returns through the back door.

"GIMME A DRINK!" He shouts.

"Look", says the bartender, "I've had it with you. Either I call a cab, or you get lost!"

"Geeze, you work HERE too?"

I asked my six year-old; here's his response:


Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie?

Because it was rated ARRRRRRRR.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?




See you next month.

I'd like to die quietly in my sleep like my uncle.

Not screaming like his passengers.

Temp1 you jogged my memory.


What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

We do taste like chicken!

Temp1 you jogged my memory.


What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

We do taste like chicken!:roflmao: :eek:

Termite walks into a bar and asks, "Hey, is the bar tender here?".

A baby seal walked into a club.

So a lady walks into a bar with a duck on her head,
bartender says "hey! we don't serve pigs here";
lady says "it's not a pig it's a duck!"
bartender says "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck!"

Elderly woman being sentenced by the Judge.

Judge: At the time you were caught stealing, what were you stealing?

Woman: A can of peaches.

Judge: How many peaches were in the can?

Woman: 6

Judge: Then I'll sentence you to 6 days in jail.

Woman: OK, judge, that sounds fair.

Then, just as the Judge is about to close the case, an elderly man stands up and asks for permission to speak.

Judge: Who are you?

Man: I'm her husband of 47 years.

Judge: What would you like to say?

Man: Well, she also stole a can of peas.

Two midgets are celebrating a great business transaction. Out on the town, they get lit, pick up two prostitutes and take them to two adjoining hotel rooms.

The first midget is enthusiastic, but can't get wood, and is totally embarassed. To make his plight even worse, he hears the other midget in the next room, yelling repeatedly "HERE I COME AGAIN! YEEAAAAGH!!!". This goes on all night.

In the morning the hookers leave, and the two midgets meet in the hallway.
"How'd it go for you?"
"Awful. It was really embarassing, I couldn't get it up".
"YOU think THAT'S embarassing?! I couldn't get up ON THE BED!"

I got this in a text the other day, let me just say I mean no offence to the OP, it is just that their name is handier off the top of the topic......

Tom Thumb, Cinderella and Quasimodo are chatting in the pub on day, and Tom just happens to mention that he must be the smallest man in the world. Cinders agrees, but she says she reckons she must be the prettiest girl in the world. Quasimodo says that if that is the case... he must be the most ugliest person in the world. So they decide to check for sure, and head off to the offices of the Guinness Book of Records.

Tom goes in first and after a while steps out, his face beaming... he was the smallest man by far. Cinders goes in next... and pretty soon she is out with a big smile on her face, it is official, she is the prettiest woman in the world. Quasimodo then goeas in, but pretty soon he stomps out... a glower on his face... "Just who the f*ck is this MinesBroken anyway?" he mutters....

A man goes out golfing with his wife. The first hole is a dog leg to the left, his wife nails a perfect drive but the husband dinks a 100 yarder.

So he's looking through the woods at the hole trying to decide what to do. He can either hit again up the fairway and then swing for the green or he can try to cut through the woods. He can almost see the green through the woods but there's also a storage shed in there.

So the husband starts to feel cocky and decides to whack it through the woods. He grabs a 3 wood and swings as hard as he can. The ball flies through the woods, nails the shed dead on, the ball careens back directly to his wife, nails her in the temple and she falls down dead.

Many years later he's playing the same hole with a buddy. His buddy dinks a drive to the same spot he did on that fateful day. As he's taking his practice swings he notices his buddy is lining up to try to go through the woods.

"STOP!", he screams. "No! Wait! Don't"

"Why? What's the matter?" his buddy replies.

"Last time I tried that I double bogied."

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender. "Don't let me drink too much tonight. Last night I got so hammered I went home and blew chunks"

So the bartender says, "That's not so bad. That happens all the time"

"No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog".

guy comes back and P&R's gone...

So I pick up a girl at a bar and she says to me "Kiss me where it stinks!", so I take her to New Jersey (or location of choice).

Guy sees an ad in the paper: talking dog for free. Goes to the address & asks about the dog. Owner says he's in the bedroom. Guy goes into bedroom, finds dog lying on bed watching tv smoking a cigarette. Guy says, Can you talk? Dog says, sure. Guy says, How'd you get here. Dog says, Well, I was raised as a guide dog, then I got sent to the middle east for the first Iraq war to sniff out explosives, I came home & after 9/11 I helped find survivors, then I went back to Iraq to help again. I finally got home and retired here. Guy goes back to owner. Says, that dog is fantastic, why are you giving him away? Owner says: because he's a big lier.

How is a woman like a hurricane?
When they come they're wet and wild; when they leave they take your boat and house.

How is a woman like a hurricane?

my wife's name is Katrina...;)

How do you catch a polar bear? It's easy:

1. Cut a hole in the ice.
2. Take a bag of raw peas and make a circle around the hole and the polar bear.
3. When the bear goes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.

Merton!

How many ADD kids does it take to change a lihghtbulb.

Lets go ride bikes.

"STOP!", he screams. "No! Wait! Don't"

"Why? What's the matter?" his buddy replies.

"Last time I tried that I double bogied."

Hahahah. Good one! Here's one in a similar vein:

A foursome was out golfing. One golfer was lining up for a putt, when a funeral procession went by. The golfer took off his hat and bowed his head until the funeral passed.

"That was very nice of you", remarked one of the golfers.

"Well, it was the least I could do," he said, returning to his putt. "We'd been married 30 years."

Two men are riding their favorite mountain bike trail when they come to a section that is close to a road. Just then a funeral procession passes by. The biker in the lead stops, takes off his helmet and bows his head in an obvious sign of respect and reverence. His ride partner comments "man, that was awfully cool of you". At this, the first turns and says, "Well we've been married for over 20 years".

Two men are riding their favorite mountain bike trail when they come to a section that is close to a road. Just then a funeral procession passes by. The biker in the lead stops, takes off his helmet and bows his head in an obvious sign of respect and reverence. His ride partner comments "man, that was awfully cool of you". At this, the first turns and says, "Well we've been married for over 20 years".

Proof positive that no one reads my posts!

:D