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02-24-07, 08:37 PM
In a move designed to further its anti-piracy campaign, the RIAA today announced plans to begin suing consumers for remembering songs, or as RIAA spokesman Perry Site describes it, “making illegal copies of our artists’ work with their brains. ”
“I was getting my Escalade refueled for the third time that day, ” said Site, “when I noticed that the young man operating the fuel dispensing nozzle was singing, quite distinctly, a segment of the latest song by recording artist and popular commodity Britney Spears, ‘Beat My Tender Virgin Ass’.”
“‘PIRACY!’ I thought, as I usually do. Surely this young man was using one of those infernal MP3 catching devices! But no, our subsequent brutal interrogation of this suspiciously and conveniently young person revealed that he did not, in fact, possess one of those Satanic devices. He was enjoying our carefully marketed commodity using something called ‘memory’. Curse every tube on the Internets! What will they think of next? It turns out these so-called ‘brains’ are portable, untraceable, and are capable of storing thousands of songs. allowing near-instant replay through a mysterious process knowing as ‘remembering’. Obviously, this must be stopped. They’re stealing the life’s breath from our very wallets!”
Site then outlined the RIAA’s plan to use specially-trained operatives armed with small, RIAA-approved playback devices designed to play carefully selected excerpts of popular songs in public places. Anyone caught singing or humming along will be immediately arrested, sued for damages, and subjected to an intense routine of drugs, sleep deprivation, and head trauma until we are sure the song has been… deleted. ”
When asked if this constituted torture, Site replied “Not according to my good friend and President of the United States, George W. Bush”.
“I was getting my Escalade refueled for the third time that day, ” said Site, “when I noticed that the young man operating the fuel dispensing nozzle was singing, quite distinctly, a segment of the latest song by recording artist and popular commodity Britney Spears, ‘Beat My Tender Virgin Ass’.”
“‘PIRACY!’ I thought, as I usually do. Surely this young man was using one of those infernal MP3 catching devices! But no, our subsequent brutal interrogation of this suspiciously and conveniently young person revealed that he did not, in fact, possess one of those Satanic devices. He was enjoying our carefully marketed commodity using something called ‘memory’. Curse every tube on the Internets! What will they think of next? It turns out these so-called ‘brains’ are portable, untraceable, and are capable of storing thousands of songs. allowing near-instant replay through a mysterious process knowing as ‘remembering’. Obviously, this must be stopped. They’re stealing the life’s breath from our very wallets!”
Site then outlined the RIAA’s plan to use specially-trained operatives armed with small, RIAA-approved playback devices designed to play carefully selected excerpts of popular songs in public places. Anyone caught singing or humming along will be immediately arrested, sued for damages, and subjected to an intense routine of drugs, sleep deprivation, and head trauma until we are sure the song has been… deleted. ”
When asked if this constituted torture, Site replied “Not according to my good friend and President of the United States, George W. Bush”.