Foo - Friendship: male-female, and female-male

Does anyone understand what it means to be a male friend to a female or a female friend to a male?

Please help me understand these sometimes very subtle dynamics, my Foo friends. <serious Vega look>

I do mean this in a serious way. I'm trying to heal emotionally. Please help me, Foo.

Are you desiring to be a 'friend' with someone who you were once 'more than' friends with VV ?

Boy, that's hard to explain...

My best friends have always been women (seriously, for a change), VV, what's up? PM if you want.

Edit: sorry kiddo, I gotta bail for bed. I hope you get the answers you're lookin for from the night shift, but I'm still happy to share what I know in the morning. ;)

No, I seriously mean this.

What does it mean to males to be "friends" with females, and what does it mean to females to be "friends" with males?

When you are a real and supportive friend of the opposite sex, how does that play out?

I mean, if someone says he/she is your friend, and will support you through the worst times, what kind of support does that look like to you?

Or if you are the supporter, what kind of honest straight-up friendship do you offer, and under what circumsntances?

Not sure what you mean by explain, but it is possible. I have a good friend name Steve. We actually use to work together. I left that place and we still talk mostly thru email now, cause we both have moved around so much, but he is more like an older brother too me so there is nothing there besides just being friends.

I think its definitely possible. I think that the two parties just need to state their interests in the relationship before things get too messy.

Also, I will say that he was interested in me but now knows that nothing will ever lead to more then just being friends. :)

For me it means just that, to be friends. I honestly believe that a male and female can have a very good non-romantic, non-sexual relationship.

I've got money that says he still hopes for a possibility in the future. No matter how remote.

Yeah your probably right but I'm pretty firm on standing my ground :)

For some reason it just always gets complicated. I try to steer away from female friends.

Well, there's this (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098635/quotes):
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.Is it true?

For some reason it just always gets complicated. I try to steer away from female friends.
That's what I see, unfortunately. :( Just when I need a friend...

For me it means just that, to be friends. I honestly believe that a male and female can have a very good non-romantic, non-sexual relationship.
I do hope that's possible, generally, R-dad....

I've seen your previous avatar that showed a picture of you. You are a very beatiful woman. Given what I can learn from your postings I think you are probably an awesome person with a great sense of humor too. Good luck in finding a man that just wants to be "friends". :rolleyes: :)


Thanks. :)

I think its possible, sure its hard but possible to not want more :)

I've seen your previous avatar that showed a picture of you. You are a very beatiful woman. Given what I can learn from your postings I think you are probably an awesome person with a great sense of humor too. Good luck in finding a man that just wants to be "friends". :rolleyes: :)
That's pretty crappy to be a male or female human being in need of a good empathetic friend who can just be such, if all one sex can be to the other is something to "bang" or not....

I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's not easy. I can't think of a female friend I had who I didn't at least have some sort of romantic feelings about. Not necessarily that I wanted it to evolve into a sexual relationship but my emotions and feelings were romantically aroused.

Why can't people just be friends with the opposite sex knowing that there ARE sexual overtones and simply not act on them? Haven't most of us done that to one extent or another our whole lives?
+1 I have a good male friend right now, who is becoming increasingly uncomfortable in being just a friend now that he has a ladyfriend. Just at a point when I need his support the most. I just don't understand his pulling back all the friendship....

+1 I have a good male friend right now, who is becoming increasingly uncomfortable in being just a friend now that he has a ladyfriend. Just at a point when I need his support the most. I just don't understand his pulling back all the friendship....
May not be just him. She may be jealous of you.

Quite an insightful discussion. Men are hardwired to evaluate people as non-threatening, foes or potential mates. It's only been over the last short period of history where men and women look upon themselves as just friends. It's a relatively new concept that is far from perfect and will likely need another thousand years or so before men can truly be just friends with women without underlying tension. Mind you that will likely also represent the end of the human race.

May not be just him. She may be jealous of you.

Very likely.

The "Harry Met Sally" dialog is unfortunately true. Anyone with a good friend/best friend of the opposite sex is fooling themself if they think there is nothing at all going on there.* Almost always, one of the parties in the relationship has unrequited feelings that may not be expressed (or even acknowledged), but are there nonetheless. In Vega's case, it could be that her friend is drifting away because he has found his prize, and his unrequited feelings for her have faded as a result.

* - this rule may not apply if one of the people is gay because that adds a whole 'nother dynamic. ;)

I have a very good female friend. The first day we hung out she exclaimed, "You look exactly like my brother but act like my sister!" She showed me a picture of her brother and yeah, we could be mistaken for the same person in a smokey bar. Purely plutonic ever more :D

Otherwise it's tough - it sounds like he may have had a slight interest in you and feels guilty for continuing a friendship now that he has a ladyfriend (anyone else getting Big Lebowski quotes starting up - 'She's not my special ladyfriend, I'm just trying to help her conceive!').

((hugs))

Its exactly like being friends with a member of the same sex, except the option is always there to have a romantic relationship develop.

Pretty much this whole thing has been summed up.

The whole key to a mixed-sex friendship is to ignore any sexual impulses, and treat this person like any other of your friends for the most part.

Given, that is sometimes easier said than done, and sometimes awkward moments happen, but those can often be the source of some humor.

Does anyone understand what it means to be a male friend to a female or a female friend to a male?

Please help me understand these sometimes very subtle dynamics, my Foo friends. <serious Vega look>

I do mean this in a serious way. I'm trying to heal emotionally. Please help me, Foo.
I do....

If you start out as a friend and want to avoid ruining the friendship......keep sex out of it!

If your interests are romantic, be upfront and don't hide behind "friendship".

There's a difference!:D

May not be just him. She may be jealous of you.
Ding, ding, ding, ding! Very likely!:D

I'm just confused since he and I have essentially been down the same road, and we've known each other since '89. I supported him first, ever since his wife died in Nov 2005. And now, when I need him, he has a ladyfriend, effectively since a week before the day my husband died last Oct. This hurts me since I expected that he'd be there for me, as a friend, at the time my husband died....

It's just so hard for most of my well-intentioned friends to really understand the loss.... I'd counted on his being there for me, at least in the first half-year. That seems like a long time for most of you, but, believe me Foo'ers, six months is nothing when you're facing the loss of 17 years.... *sob* There is still such a long way to go....

As long as the boundries are comunicated there is no reason not to have a frienship with members of the opposite sex. Comunication is key to keeping the relationship where you want it. I value a womans perspective( there I said it ) and have treasured close, platonic friendships. No sense in walking away from an interesting person because they are built different. I do not truly bond close with most people but when I do find someone that I find interesting I want to sit and talk a while. Hopefully we wind up on each others Christmas card list. Cause thats truly special

I should hope for so much, glenng. But I so need his empathetic support right now. No funny business. Just a good friend who's been down my road. He says "we'll meet for lunch and talk" but we never do. This has gone on since October. I just don't get how he can continue to pledge his support of my healing, given that he's been down this road, and then never be able to simply see me for lunch to provide some much-needed diversion for me.... I know that I couldn't get away for lunch with him while my husband was alive, but I surely supported my friend via email and phone up to the time my husband died.... In the best way I could. And he was grateful. So why does he not support me now, as a friend? Not having his support really hurts.

I'm just confused since he and I have essentially been down the same road, and we've known each other since '89. I supported him first, ever since his wife died in Nov 2005. And now, when I need him, he has a ladyfriend, effectively since a week before the day my husband died last Oct. This hurts me since I expected that he'd be there for me, as a friend, at the time my husband died....

It's just so hard for most of my well-intentioned friends to really understand the loss.... I'd counted on his being there for me, at least in the first half-year. That seems like a long time for most of you, but, believe me Foo'ers, six months is nothing when you're facing the loss of 17 years.... *sob* There is still such a long way to go....

After reading your post I see my last post is a bit irrelevant but if I may......

Sometimes friends can not always be there. I am not defending his actions, just trying to see it it from another angle.

He may still be healing himself. If his ladyfriend is helping him get to a better place he may be a bit selfish right now. He may be unable to help until he has himself back together. He may not be strong enough

Hope that didn`t come across as uncomforting . I am humbled by your loss and compassionate about your feelings

After reading your post I see my last post is a bit irrelevant but if I may......

Sometimes friends can not always be there. I am not defending his actions, just trying to see it it from another angle.

He may still be healing himself. If his ladyfriend is helping him get to a better place he may be a bit selfish right now. He may be unable to help until he has himself back together.

Hope that didn`t come across as uncomforting . I am humbled by your loss and compassionate about your feelings
No, on the contrary, your post certainly makes me see things differently. Even if I am, myself, somewhat selfish at this juncture, I can now see how he could care, but be hesistant to reach back to someone still hurting so much.... Thanks, glenng. :)

I'm easier friends with females than males. Platonically, even!

I don't know...you're just friends. There to chat, give advice, drink, etc.

No, on the contrary, your post certainly makes me see things differently. Even if I am, myself, somewhat selfish at this juncture, I can now see how he could care, but be hesistant to reach back to someone still hurting so much.... Thanks, glenng. :)

It`s not selfish to long for healing, its healthy.

I don`t think its so much of him "reaching back" he may be afraid to leave his saftey zone.

I'm easier friends with females than males. Platonically, even!

I don't know...you're just friends. There to chat, give advice, drink, etc.
Don't I wish. He feels guilty to meet me outside of email at this point. :eek:

Lancerob, I think you do have a point. I do have one, good, male friend, but we've been friends since we were 6 years old, and he's the only one. After 27 years, I can honestly say that there are no sexual overtones. For me, the way I made sure the friendship continued was to make friends with his wife. It's more of a sibling relationship than anything else. His son is starting to look just like him when I first met him, too. :)

Don't I wish. He feels guilty to meet me outside of email at this point. :eek:
I suspect, actually, that it may well be a combination of what glenng said and what I said earlier. His new GF may be uncomfortable with the friendship as well as his security zone being a bit on the fragile side right now. I wish I could drop by to extend a hug, but I can't! Too far to do the turnaround by morning.:eek: Meantime: Here's a virtual!

<((HUG))> http://www.emoticonland.net/images/Amour/11_2_104.gif

Don't I wish. He feels guilty to meet me outside of email at this point. :eek:
Yep, she's jealous of you.

http://homepage.mac.com/awcg/.Pictures/Bike/Spring.jpg
Thought these may help out.

Lancerob, I think you do have a point. I do have one, good, male friend, but we've been friends since we were 6 years old, and he's the only one. After 27 years, I can honestly say that there are no sexual overtones. For me, the way I made sure the friendship continued was to make friends with his wife. It's more of a sibling relationship than anything else. His son is starting to look just like him when I first met him, too. :)
I've tried the "older brother" route, but he still seems to feel "guilty" being with me. <curious and abandoned Vega look>

Yep, she's jealous of you.

http://homepage.mac.com/awcg/.Pictures/Bike/Spring.jpg
Thought these may help out.
Thanks, baybuh. :roflmao: If it weren't so funny I'd cry. mmkay. :cry:

I suspect, actually, that it may well be a combination of what glenng said and what I said earlier. His new GF may be uncomfortable with the friendship as well as his security zone being a bit on the fragile side right now. I wish I could drop by to extend a hug, but I can't! Too far to do the turnaround by morning.:eek: Meantime: Here's a virtual!

<((HUG))> http://www.emoticonland.net/images/Amour/11_2_104.gif
Thanks, Tom. You've literally been there for me from day one on BF. :)

Thanks, Tom. You've literally been there for me from day one on BF. :)
;) ;) :p :D Always will be, at least as there as the other end of the internet can be!

Tom , may I cut in? I have a BIG HUG too:)

Tom , may I cut in? I have a BIG HUG too:)
Sure! No worries, I ain't the jealous type!:p ;) ;)

My expectations (for myself and for my friend) of a really close female friend are little different from my expectations of a really close male friend. The differences first: Depending on the situation, it may or may not be appropriate to consider anything more. And sometimes, it may be the result of a romance gone bad, but with a commitment nonetheless to close (but strictly non-romantic) friendship. After all, I don't believe you ever stop caring about those who you truly care about. Okay, that aside, here's what I expect of my really close friends--male or female--and what I expect of myself for my really close friends.

I expect my really close friends to always care. They may not understand, but I expect them to relate as best as they can and to support me, even if they don't necessarily approve of my choices. When they disapprove, I expect them to be upfront about their disapproval but supportive nonetheless. They should treat me in a manner where I feel comfortable telling them anything. They don't have to always be around, but I expect them to always be reachable (within reason) when I really need them. I don't have may really close friends, so I expect those I consider to be really close friends to treat my friendship as one that truly matters and that they would sacrifice a lot for if necessary. (Whether my friends have lots of close friends is up to them. Some people are natural hermits. Others are natural social butterflies.)

Since I don't have a lot of really close friends (I'm a natural hermit) I take really good care of those few friendships. If necessary, all my time and all my resources are at their disposal. I do my best to always be available to listen, and when appropriate, to do more than just listen. What goes on in their lives is important to me, and a significant amount of my brain's memory capacity is devoted to keeping track of them. Basically, I expect the friendship to be a two way street, with both sides fully supporting each other.

Vega, I'm not going to rewrite what others posted. You already know how I feel about this. Just want to chime in to let you know that I am here (you know how to get a hold of me) anytime, okay?

"This too, shall pass....."

How about a Foo Century capped with a BBQ on Vega`s Deck. Nothing like a Century and BBQ to brighten ones day. How big is that deck?

How about a Foo Century capped with a BBQ on Vega`s Deck. Nothing like a Century and BBQ to brighten ones day. How big is that deck?
Dang, and Spring Break is over and I'm in Indiana!:D :eek:

Vega, I'm not going to rewrite what others posted. You already know how I feel about this. Just want to chime in to let you know that I am here (you know how to get a hold of me) anytime, okay?

"This too, shall pass....."
((hugs)) Sounds, um, vaguely familiar. I loves me my sis. :D

I loves me my sis, too! :love:

How about a Foo Century capped with a BBQ on Vega`s Deck. Nothing like a Century and BBQ to brighten ones day. How big is that deck?
Baybuh, I can accomodate any number of people here. I won't bother to explain. Just trust Vega.

So, brang it on, y'all! :D Vega does have a gas grill on th' deck. :D

Dang, and Spring Break is over and I'm in Indiana!:D :eek:
Meh, we can work it to meet as soon as classes in Indiana are done, Tom. :)