Jokes from Pete

[giantcfr1]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling.

Take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

Whilst attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare...

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men.

"Can you each name and describe your Wife's favourite flower?"

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,

"Self raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

[giantcfr1]

A man was Saltwater fly fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg
Kingfish on the first cast and a 20 lb snapper on the second.
On the third cast he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi when
his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had
just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He
decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.
He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species (all released though)
and all in all, had his best days fishing by far.
He was jubilant... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four
hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in
the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing
because it will be more than likely your last!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "Just kidding. She's dead.
So what'd you catch?"

[giantcfr1]

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve
Announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He
explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him
more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up
and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor , stands and
says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary,
and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education's of
all his children!!" More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the
Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!" There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing,
asks her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could
help, and he said, "F**k the Rabbi"

[scrapmetal]

A man was Saltwater fly fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg
Kingfish on the first cast and a 20 lb snapper on the second.
On the third cast he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi when
his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had
just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He
decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.
He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species (all released though)
and all in all, had his best days fishing by far.
He was jubilant... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four
hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in
the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing
because it will be more than likely your last!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "Just kidding. She's dead.
So what'd you catch?"

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