Foo - "Everyone is single on the internet."

I'm interested to hear what others think about internet flirting.

I'm noticing that it seems to be par for the course for some married folks to take on e-flings. You know: PM flirtations; message board innuendo; that sort of thing. I've heard it described as harmless.

Your thoughts?

I have several married male friends, who I came to know through internet forums (not BikeFo!). When I correspond with them, I try very hard to write in such a way that, if their partner were reading over their shoulder, there would be no chance of her being hurt. So, no verbal hanky-panky.

I think that it is unreasonable to expect any one person to fulfill all one's emotional/intellectual needs. I get the sense, sometimes (and let me reiterate, SOMETIMES) people go into marriage with that expectation, and when they find it lacking, seek to fill those unmet needs elsewhere.

As in: internet forums.

Is that a good thing? A bad thing? A neutral thing? Dunno.

Also: just to be clear, I am NOT saying this is guy-only thing. I've read here, and elsewhere, of married women doing the same thing. I'm just commenting on my own limited experience, as an unattached gal, which is all I have to go with, here.

Very curious to hear what folks here think. Thanks.

Ooh, this has the potential to be a good one...

Statistically over 30% of dating site members are married. That DOESN'T include legally separated either. Flirting is and of itself important to one's ego. To you it may seem more obvious in men. It would be more so, as it is for me to find females as such. The difference though, is a woman, dresses, grooms,etc.to attract, it's automatic. A male seemingly is inclined to take a more "pro-active" approach through words and more cognicent behavior. I agree with your text by and large.

old and new, if I understand your point (please correct me if I did not), you raise an interesting angle I simply hadn't considered.

A woman (married, attached, or otherwise), theoretically, can doll herself up, step out the door, and have her attractiveness validated by random strangers. No fuss, no muss. And then return home to her mate, with him being none the wiser.

Let me emphasize: THEORETICALLY. Not all woman need or want this, nor do they pursue it. I'm a tomboy, so that is not my way; but I recognize that it IS the way some gals operate.

Am I on track?

Whereas for a man, that easy avenue is not so available? (Though here in L.A., we do have our male peacocks, strutting their stuff! See also: the hot men of Foo thread.). For a guy, then, seeking validation (gawd, I hate that touchy-feely word) , engaging in conversation through the internet, is an alternative?

Again, I suspect we both would agree that these are JUST broad stereotypes, and that we are not suggesting ALL women act one way, or that ALL men act another. I simply hadn't considered the fact that men can't simply put on strappy heels and a short skirt and get their daily dose of strokes. ;)

And again, I want to emphasize: the behavior I've described is only more obvious in males, to me, simply because I'm a woman. Believe me, I *know* how we women are, and we ain't angels. It's very important to me that this discussion not be about men vs. women, and any differences there. I'm really more interested in the *commonalities*: why ANYONE who is attached would seek an intimate sort of attention on the 'net.

Interesting response, old and new. Thank you. And that 30% stat is new to me, as well.

Ooh, this has the potential to be a good one...

Well, since you posted, I would be very interested to hear your take on things, per your quote elsewhere:

My crush sends me amusing and occasionally naughty messages during my normally miserable workday. Now that's fun.

?

Well, I'm single nowadays and I have been since Jan 2005, and as you can see from the left, that's before my BikeForums days. As my posting history amply demonstrates, as a single guy, both online and in the real world, I am perfectly capable of and often indulge in a bit of flirtation. I think there's many levels of flirting, from subtle to extremely obvious, from innocent (or even potentially a bit positive under the right circumstances) to extremely harmful. Those two traits (obviousness and harmfulness) are not necessarily correlated.

Each one must set for oneself one's boundaries. I don't consider it my job to set someone else's boundaries in my response to that person, though I hope to respect others' boundaries. For what it's worth, my boundaries as a single guy are very different with women who are married or in dating relationships than they are with women who I know are single (and somewhere in between when not sure). Watching what a friend of mine and her husband are going through, there's no doubt in my mind that "harmless flirting" is not always harmless. I have personal experiences that support that conclusion, too (both from single life and dating life). Of course, it doesn't help that one may well label a situation as "harmless" knowing full well that it has dramatic and undesirable effects on one's other relationships since labeling it as such is a convenient way to try to avoid discussing it. I think the potential for less than innocent behavior or thought is increased for people who are not anonymous people behind a computer screen but rather people who you know in the "real world". But physical touch isn't necessarily required for flirting to become harmful, so the dangers are just as real with people one is not likely to meet.

Things may get interesting for me in this regard if/when I start dating someone again. I would never be comfortable with my current behavior in a significant other if I knew about it, and I therefore don't intend to tolerate it of myself, either. But having been single for a while and far more social than in earlier stages of my life, I seem to have woven quite a web of female friendships that I would rather not discuss in detail with a girl who I might date. (Those who know me well might recognize these people as the "acronym girls" and "letter girls" of past and present, for starters.) I'm not sure how much self control I actually have, and even if every female around me starts treating me differently because I'm taken, I may still find it difficult to not cross my own lines in the sand. I may have to stop eating at a certain restaurant and visiting BikeForums with the regularity I currently engage in those two activities to help me hold the line. Of course, it's far easier to set limits from arm's length than to apply them to reality. For better or worse, time will tell how I actually behave once in a dating relationship. Historically, it has been pretty easy for me to turn off the flirting once dating someone, but historically, I've been far more of a hermit, too.

Anyway, that probably doesn't give much generalizable insight since I don't have much insight into how people behave or what constitutes "normal". But I thought I'd offer my thoughts on the topic.

[e] Oh, I didn't address the "why do guys flirt" question. Lots of reasons! Yes, in various situations, flirting can relieve boredom, break the ice with someone, relieve stress, excite, attempt to seduce, entertain, etc. Or it can simply be response to flirtation.

the difference between "flirting" and actually "pursuing" is plausible deniability. not only deniability towards (significant) others, but deniability to protect one's own ego if one is rebuffed or the ability to minimize awkwardness with the subject of the "flirting" if it is not returned in kind.

both satisfy a variety of needs....bolstering one's self-esteem, thrill of the chase, the "hope" that something could come of it someday, etc.

I openly claim my wife on the net! I've never claimed to be "single", and while I flirt a little, I hold to a boundary.:p I don't do or say anything that would hurt my wife.

I also speak of my fiance on the net....harmless banter amongs friends is how I see it...there are however people that take it too far. but that is true in every aspect of life anyway...there will always be those people who take it too far.

Flirting, at least from me, is harmless. It's just how I relate to people. If the person I'm dating can't handle me flirting with most everyone I come in contact with in my daily life (not in my professional life, though), then they will not be dating me.

This is one reason I'm single.

Hitting on someone is a different story, though.

Very interesting thread. Makes my brain hurt on a Saturday morning...lol

I too am married and also make no secret of it.

Although I may flirt some, I try to be respectful of everyone.

My wife encourages my flirting on the net. In fact she is also open to the idea of selling me on ebay.

My wife encourages my flirting on the net. In fact she is also open to the idea of selling me on ebay.
Better remind her of the double your money back guarantee that Ebay requires for dissatisfaction with used husbands sold on their service!:p

Very interesting thread. Makes my brain hurt on a Saturday morning...lol

I too am married and also make no secret of it.

Although I may flirt some, I try to be respectful of everyone.

+1.

Married with two kids and a dog. Make no secret of any of it. I think Foo is a very honest place. Flirting occurs but it is just playing as usually both flirters are married and respect one another.

I'm single here and in real life. But here, although I'm an equal-opportunity flirter, I realize that some of these boys are married. So, I try and mind my Ps&Qs. In real life, if you are married, don't come knocking (unless you bring your wife with you - and NO, I don't mean that in a ;), ;) way). Of course, many of the men in So Cal, I've met, so they know I'm just playing. The single men get the real "flirt" deal offline, but even then, I try and control myself (emphasis on "try") :D

It all depends on the intentions and the level of honesty given to their partner.

There are some who are flirtatious, but there is clearly nothing serious. This to me seems what happens publicly, and from what I can tell it's friendly stuff.

As for what goes on in PMs I wouldn't know. But yes, something does seem a bit fishy from what you describe.

Just depends on what's really going on - I'm not in your position so I have no idea what sort of attention you've been privy to.

Just first thoughts off the top of my head.

I'm interested to hear what others think about internet flirting.


It's remarkably cheesy.

I believe the original post was about interactions on another forum. We Foosters do seem to generally keep it pretty clean. But even then, depending on mindset, "harmless" isn't always so harmless.

What's match.com's slogan? "It's ok to look" or something of that nature?

I openly claim my wife on the net! I've never claimed to be "single", and while I flirt a little, I hold to a boundary.:p I don't do or say anything that would hurt my wife.

It's called having friends - what a concept. :)

I believe the original post was about interactions on another forum. We Foosters do seem to generally keep it pretty clean. But even then, depending on mindset, "harmless" isn't always so harmless.
YES,things start-out harmless,then turn; ya know, like the old accidently on-purpose sort o'thing, in a similar catagory with "self-fullfilling prophecies"

In real life, if you are married, don't come knocking (unless you bring your wife with you - and NO, I don't mean that in a ;), ;) way).

DRAT! Foiled again! ;)

Married with two kids and a dog. Make no secret of any of it. I think Foo is a very honest place. Flirting occurs but it is just playing as usually both flirters are married and respect one another.

I will vouch for Jeff's faithfullness to his dog. But the way the dog looks at me...I dunno... :D

You pig. :p

You say pig like it's a bad thing.

http://www.reellifewisdom.com/files/images/Charlotte%20III.jpg

:love:
Married with two kids and a dog. Make no secret of any of it. I think Foo is a very honest place. Flirting occurs but it is just playing as usually both flirters are married and respect one another.
:love:
oups wrong thread to hit on you, right?
haha! I think what of the OP might not know is that a lot of us on here ( in foo) have known each other for a long time and kid around with each other.
Of course I find some people extremely attractive on here so do I in real life! that's normal!
would I ever do something about it beside joke around? absolutly not!
Id get divorced before Id cross that line!
flirting to me is healty, in moderation... if it becomes too much or a constant need to boost your ego then that's a good indication that someone is not getting enough love and attention at home.

So does my posing as a dead sex symbol in Playboy mean I don't get enough attention...or that I am just a shameless exhibitionist with great guads?

So does my posing as a dead sex symbol in Playboy mean I don't get enough attention...or that I am just a shameless exhibitionist with great guads?
No, it means you see dead people:p

joke aside, I think too much thoughts is going into this, I myself think there are many flirtations who are just old jokes! for example does anyone really think pheard has a thing for someone 20 years older then him? oh oh, Im afraid of that answer..
but does anyone really think I would spank him in real life?
no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:lol:

for example does anyone really think pheard has a thing for someone 20 years older then him? oh oh, Im afraid of that answer..
but does anyone really think I would spank him in real life? oh oh, Im afraid of that answer too..

:p

:p
:lol:

I'm a shameless homewrecker and advertise the fact tirelessly on teh interwebs. BEWARE. :eek:

old jokes!

Yep, that would be me. :lol:

Well, I figure eveyone knows I am happily married to someone too good for me so I don't flirt - besides, I don't have a clue HOW to flirt, having been a geek in school. I still am not sure how I convinced my wife to marry me lo so many moons ago.

I think it came down to refusing to take no for an answer (and yes, she did say no originally, a couple of times in fact... )

So, do I flirt on the Web? Not that I know of and I have no idea if anyone flirts with me. My wife thinks it is hilarious that woman can attempt to flirt with me and I won't even know (until they show up missing of course... she doesn't think they are funny at all!)

I do consider most of the interchanges here pretty innocent. Do I think BDG would entertain Pheard - nope. Do I think Pheard would like to think she would? Yep!

'Do-gooder' types are almost all hypocrites, especially the religious ones.

Not really, a lot of us do-gooders are pretty boring when it comes to relationships outside of marriage. But, if it is religion keeping you faithful, you got issues in my opinion. Your conviction about staying together can help you work things through, but it isn't the glue that keeps you together.

But I will agree those who are religious out of fear can be pretty weird people - and you are correct, they eventually end up no better than what they rail against - but that is what most religious founders said anyway. (amazing people don't know any of those verses)

just my dos colones

Well, since you posted, I would be very interested to hear your take on things, per your quote elsewhere:

My crush sends me amusing and occasionally naughty messages during my normally miserable workday. Now that's fun.

?
I am 100% certain that he is neither married or otherwise in a committed relationship. I know I'm not.

Well hellllooooo Flippin Sweet ... :D
How YOU doin'?? ;)

Heh. Deleted my last post. Even I can recognize my own bad taste once in awhile ... :p
that's good. I often recognize my bad taste and go ahead anyway. The consequences would flabbergast you. :p

that's good. I often recognize my bad taste and go ahead anyway. The consequences would flabbergast you. :pThere's certainly something to be said for bad taste.

But I won't say it, it'd be in bad taste.

besides, I don't have a clue HOW to flirt, having been a geek in school.
That's me. Except for the being married part.

Hmm, wonder why I'm single? :rolleyes:

I don't flirt.

I am flirted on .. (: )

I am married. Never hide it. Never will.

Problem is in how you choose to judge whatever behavior it is you are witnessing or a part of.

I am 100% certain that he is neither married or otherwise in a committed relationship. I know I'm not.

Touché :)

That's me. Except for the being married part.

Hmm, wonder why I'm single? :rolleyes:

Ahhh...too bad you don't live in So Cal. You're darling and I grew up with southern boys (hello, I'm a southern girl! :p ). We'd get along famously...:D

I believe the original post was about interactions on another forum. We Foosters do seem to generally keep it pretty clean. But even then, depending on mindset, "harmless" isn't always so harmless.
Yes, I noticed she's only joined a month ago, so figure it must be in reference to some other forums. You don't want to give us any more info to digest do you AllezOops? Give us juicy PMs from other forums!!

Hey, thanks for all the responses.

donnamb, I realize now that my question to you was overly-direct, and I apologize for it. But thank you for answering forthrightly, and with something other than the "none of your beeswax" response the question perhaps warranted!

:beer: Cheers. Thank you.

Nicodemus, the "juice" in the PMs I referenced (again, from non-BikeFo forum males) is more of the emotional type, not the physical. None of this, "Hey, foxy mama, I wanna hose you down with Cheez-Whiz, and then sprinkle you with Goldfish crackers, and--". That would be simple to deal with: a belly-laugh, followed by a quick verbal jab to the budgie!

But it's this whole other thing...not sexual, but still rather intimate. Thoughts and dreams type of stuff.

As others here have mentioned, one difference between BikeFo and some other internet communities is that the people here, in some cases, actually spend time together in real-time. For example, in the SoCal forums. I think that is a big reason why those forums are relatively free of some of the spite and meanness I see in less-localized forums.

On a related note: I sometimes wince when I see the level of self-exposure that goes on in forums. I think there is an illusion of safety and privacy that is simply not in line with the reality of the medium. But I know I tend to see the dark side of tech, given my line of work, which exposes me to its vulnerabilities. But that is a whole 'nother topic.

Cheers, all. Thanks.

I will vouch for Jeff's faithfullness to his dog. But the way the dog looks at me...I dunno... :D
note that I said usually respect one another. my dog will never respect chip no matter how much he flirts.:D

So does my posing as a dead sex symbol in Playboy mean I don't get enough attention...or that I am just a shameless exhibitionist with great guads?
hey chip, I am a closet necropheliac, so your avatar just turns me on more.

that's good. I often recognize my bad taste and go ahead anyway. The consequences would flabbergast you. :p
I enjoy a nice gast if the flabber is hot.

Married with two kids and a dog. Make no secret of any of it. I think Foo is a very honest place. Flirting occurs but it is just playing as usually both flirters are married and respect one another.

You cad!!!!!! You said you loved me!!!!




Opps, not PM? My bad :D

just say your name is Martha, they will think you are my wife!