Foo - Guys: should a girl offer to pay?

I want your opinions! I've always been the type of girl to offer to pay my part on a first date (and second and third usually), but recently, it seems some of the guys have been slightly offended, so I stopped offering. But now I'm wondering, and I'm confused, so... enlighten me!! :)

Oooooooooh never let them pay for your part. That way you don't owe anything. ;)

edit: Oops. Sorry April. I'm not a guy. Mine doesn't count.

IMO, No. A first date is awkward already, and I feel weirder when the girl offers to pay. In my experience, when a girl has offered to pay, it's usually a sign there won't be a second date and she wants to pay half to make her feel better about the fact she's not going to call you again, or whatever.

Now...after a few dates, then yes, its nice to offer to pay sometimes.

If they asked you out, let them pay. Other way around, you pay.

Although, a real gentleman will cook a meal for you himself.

My partnerwife and I take turns paying.

Let her pay! more money for biking!

j/k

IMO, No. A first date is awkward already, and I feel weirder when the girl offers to pay. In my experience, when a girl has offered to pay, it's usually a sign there won't be a second date and she wants to pay half to make her feel better about the fact she's not going to call you again, or whatever.

Now...after a few dates, then yes, its nice to offer to pay sometimes.

No no no, C!! It doesn't mean that we will not see the guy again! You have that wrong!! I myself won't let a guy pay for the reason above, PLUS..I don't want the guy to think that I'm out just to get treated to dinner or movie or whatever.

Heck. The last time I was out with two guys (woo hoo) I ended up treating them to breakfast!! :)

Okay. I'll go away now. Sorry April.

I think it's cool to offer. I think it depends on the context, who asked who, etc., but I think it's a good personality trait to not be wrapped up in the "guy pays for everything" rule.

Heck. The last time I was out with two guys (woo hoo) I ended up treating them to breakfast!! :)

Damn, Foo is getting steamy tonight! :D

I never expect a girl to pay. I always appreciate the offer (because of the gesture, not because of the potential to save money), and if she insists on it, I don't mind letting her pay. Heck... she can pay for me while she's at it if she really wants to. If in a steady relationship, I never ask a girl to pay, but I do really appreciate the gesture if she takes me out once in a while and pays.

Damn, Foo is getting steamy tonight! :D

Getting? I thought it generally was!:D

Okay. I'll go away now. Sorry April.

Haha, no problem, and I appreciate your input. You expressed my views as to why I offer to pay! It's just so damn confusing! I don't want the guy to think I "expect" him to pay, and yet if I offer, I don't want him to think that I don't appreciate him. :rolleyes:

April.. As a guy I appreciate the offer to pay but would gladly pick up the tab and I am guessing that most of us here probably will not take a girl up on it (well unless it was a really really horrible date).

Here is the best move I think.. Offer to pay once.. if you get the "I got it" line and if you are going to give the guy a second date the let him pick the tab..

If the guy is not second date material, insist on paying for half the tab and thats a good enough sign to the guy that its one and done.. (at least for me and KT)

I should note that if a girl happens to want to pay for a Cervelo Soloist Carbon SL with all the finest componentry (SRM Professional DuraAce crankset, Lightweight Obermayer wheelset, etc), I wouldn't refuse the gesture. :D If any girl needs my frame size or specs for my dream build, I can PM the details. :p

If the guy is not second date material, insist on paying for half the tab and thats a good enough sign to the guy that its one and done.. (at least for me and KT)

I've known a girl who insisted on paying but made for a great second (and third and beyond) dates. One time she forgot to insist and I managed to buy her dinner, though. :)

I've known a girl who insisted on paying but made for a great second (and third and beyond) dates. One time she forgot to insist and I managed to buy her dinner, though. :)

Damn.. did you marry her ;)?

April.. As a guy I appreciate the offer to pay but would gladly pick up the tab and I am guessing that most of us here probably will not take a girl up on it (well unless it was a really really horrible date).

Here is the best move I think.. Offer to pay once.. if you get the "I got it" line and if you are going to give the guy a second date the let him pick the tab..

If the guy is not second date material, insist on paying for half the tab and thats a good enough sign to the guy that its one and done.. (at least for me and KT)

I think skinnyone's counsel is reasonable. Perhaps the subject is one that you'd prefer to discuss with them before you actually get to the scene of the date. Unless the guy is obscenely rich (and perhaps even if he is), it's probably not a good idea to go someplace expensive for a first date. That could be completely awkward.

Damn.. did you marry her ;)?

Unfortunately, I didn't get to see her much. I'm a busy grad student on the west coast. She was a busy law student on the east coast, and now is a busy corporate lawyer. If only I had become interested in her back in college, when she evidently sat around waiting for me to ask her out for 2.5 years. (That's what she told me two years after college, when mutual interest started appearing. Too late then, as I was about to start grad school on the other coast.)

Oh, and I should clarify. She insisted on paying her share. I never let her pay my share, though I suspect she would have been fine with that.

I want your opinions! I've always been the type of girl to offer to pay my part on a first date (and second and third usually), but recently, it seems some of the guys have been slightly offended, so I stopped offering. But now I'm wondering, and I'm confused, so... enlighten me!! :)

It's polite to offer. If he makes it to the third, fourth date, he should be taking you up on it....

If you wanna go out, I'll definitely pay but first I need to ask my wife for the money.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to see her much. I'm a busy grad student on the west coast. She was a busy law student on the east coast, and now is a busy corporate lawyer. If only I had become interested in her back in college, when she evidently sat around waiting for me to ask her out for 2.5 years. (That's what she told me two years after college, when mutual interest started appearing. Too late then, as I was about to start grad school on the other coast.)

I had a similar thing happen back in the day.. It kinda sucks because all it really takes is one little hint.. anyway can I get her phone number :D ..

I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years and from the start we've taken turns paying...though i pay much more often (i've also made considerably more money then her in that time). I've owed her $150, she's owed me $150. There is nothing chivalrous about paying for dinner in my mind, it's just an old fashion and out dated tradition. I suspect because 50 years ago while Bobby was working down at the gas station, Sally was forbidden to do so.

anyway can I get her phone number :D
I don't know if she's single nowadays. Our conversations tailed off about a year ago. Besides... she works like 8 AM to midnight. You'd never see her.

you should offer, he should pay, don't get pushy on the offer. That asserts a level playing field, but lets chivalry live on. If things work out, splitting is appropriate after a while, unless you like being take to second class places all the time. Going out can get damn expensive.

I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years and from the start we've taken turns paying...though i pay much more often (i've also made considerably more money then her in that time). I've owed her $150, she's owed me $150. There is nothing chivalrous about paying for dinner in my mind, it's just an old fashion and out dated tradition. I suspect because 50 years ago while Bobby was working down at the gas station, Sally was forbidden to do so.

I agree - I would consider it a positive thing. To me, a long time relationship is about a partnership. We have been married for more than 26 years - it has always been a partnership.

It used to be that the guy needed to prove he could support her - to her and to her dad. That is no longer true in the USA in most situations.

You might look at it this way, buy offering to pay you have a chance to filter out perhaps some guys who think you should be barefoot and pregnant.

No no no, C!! It doesn't mean that we will not see the guy again! You have that wrong!! I myself won't let a guy pay for the reason above, PLUS..I don't want the guy to think that I'm out just to get treated to dinner or movie or whatever.
Not necessarily true and I have personal data to back it up. I still say offering on first date makes it even more awkward. If I think things have went well and then you offer to pay at end, I get mixed signals (and guys are dumb enough in the "signal reading" department as it is).




Heck. The last time I was out with two guys (woo hoo) I ended up treating them to breakfast!! :)

Do you realize how interesting that sounds?

I ended up marrying the girl who offered to take me out to dinner for our second, fourth, sixth, etc, etc dates. :)

If someone offers to pay, if only part, I will not get offended or refuse. I pay, you pay, who cares? We're all having a good time. Why ruin it with an argument over a stupid thing like money. My two cents.

I want your opinions! I've always been the type of girl to offer to pay my part on a first date (and second and third usually), but recently, it seems some of the guys have been slightly offended, so I stopped offering. But now I'm wondering, and I'm confused, so... enlighten me!! :)

Offering on the first date is a great sign - it shows that you want balance in a relationship, not the traditional set up where the woman is subservient to the man. Anyway, it's a great thing you're doing. Typically, after the first few dates where we would go back and forth between one person paying, the other the next, etc:... eventually it just becomes a non-issue, not even a thought. Keeping the balance happens naturally no matter if it's running errands or dinner or getting some ice cream together.

2¢

I haven’t had a first date since about 1972 when it was considered chivalrous to have the girl drive your car into the drive-in while you hid in the trunk. I will offer my opinion anyway as I think I have the answer.

Make sure the first date is modest. A picnic, a day at the beach, riding bikes. Something like that.

I don't know if she's single nowadays. Our conversations tailed off about a year ago. Besides... she works like 8 AM to midnight. You'd never see her.


dude I was kidding.. :)

I had a similar thing happen back in the day.. It kinda sucks because all it really takes is one little hint.. anyway can I get her phone number :D ..Doesn't take a hint, just the way she looks at you is enough. ;)

As for splitting the cheque, I guess it depends upon who asked whom out on the date. When the girl asks me out, she pays. When I ask her out, I pay. My GF and I pretty much alternate now regardless of who asked. Although overall, I think she ends having paid more. But it's not like we're keeping score or anything... that's for the bedroom. :)

Heck. The last time I was out with two guys (woo hoo) I ended up treating them to breakfast!! :)



Oh, was that you? :)

Make sure the first date is modest. A picnic, a day at the beach, riding bikes. Something like that.
Wow that would be construed as being a little too pushy/weird these days... Your suggestions are applicable after a 2nd date at the minimum.. my 2cents but hey, I am single so maybe I should try this next time ;)..

Wow that would be construed as being a little too pushy/weird these days... Your suggestions are applicable after a 2nd date at the minimum.. my 2cents but hey, I am single so maybe I should try this next time ;)..

Don't bother, I am so out of touch with reality. My son stopped taking dating advice from me when he was about 11.

I had a similar thing happen back in the day.. It kinda sucks because all it really takes is one little hint.. anyway can I get her phone number :D ..

Doesn't take a hint, just the way she looks at you is enough. ;)

Huh? Don't you know, you're supposed to read their minds. ;)

My GF and I pretty much alternate now regardless of who asked. Although overall, I think she ends having paid more. But it's not like we're keeping score or anything... that's for the bedroom. :)

I'm glad to see that you two have moved beyond the 'I want to kill you and eat your burned, dead body (http://www.bikeforums.net/showthread.php?t=317096)' stage. :):eek:;)

Doesn't take a hint, just the way she looks at you is enough. ;)



That sorta works by and large if you just met but once you are friends and she is part of your little clique, thats tough. Bustin a move and messing up the juju brings mucho awkwardness..

In today's world there is no traditional "chivalrous" norm, though there's nothing wrong with wishing to treat a lady to a nice time. There's also nothing wrong with her wanting to pay. It's all about context.

A guy who would go so far as to be offended is a bloody cro-magnon.

women rule...no matter how you try to convince yourself otherwise....

I want your opinions! I've always been the type of girl to offer to pay my part on a first date (and second and third usually), but recently, it seems some of the guys have been slightly offended, so I stopped offering.


I find that great. It means that the woman is not there to try to exploit me. If the relationship continues, there might be different ways of doing things later on: your turn, my turn, or I pay the concert and you pay the meal, etc. And by that time we might know who might have a thicker wallet.

There might be one exception to the above rule: if we go for something cheap, like coffee. Neither of us will get broke by paying two coffees.

P.S. I have been out of the dating scene for more than 15 years, but I used to prefer the cheap stuff: outside strolls in the park, home cooking, etc.

I'm glad to see that you two have moved beyond the 'I want to kill you and eat your burned, dead body (http://www.bikeforums.net/showthread.php?t=317096)' stage. :):eek:;)Heh, heh... I said once, "All's fair in love and war". To which she replied "Love IS war!". We've hit each other with the most injurious insults and acts that would typically destroy other relationships and entire lives, yet we love each other so much that it just bounces off. I just have to laugh at some of the stuff she comes up with that is simply so wicked! And if she throws a tantrum, I let her go for a couple of minutes, then say, "So ah... are you through yet?" http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e346/DannoXYZ/GraemlinsSmilies/Graemlin-tongue.gif


That sorta works by and large if you just met but once you are friends and she is part of your little clique, thats tough. Bustin a move and messing up the juju brings mucho awkwardness..That's why they are never allowed to be "friends"! Only "prospects" and "the next one"!


Personally, I find a woman that asks me out on a date and pays to be extremely sexy!

I want your opinions! I've always been the type of girl to offer to pay my part on a first date (and second and third usually), but recently, it seems some of the guys have been slightly offended, so I stopped offering. But now I'm wondering, and I'm confused, so... enlighten me!! :)

They think you're trying to turn them into a "friend" by paying your part of the tab, and therefore it not being officially a date.

Oooooooooh never let them pay for your part. That way you don't owe anything. ;)

edit: Oops. Sorry April. I'm not a guy. Mine doesn't count.



This is sage advice.

To me (a guy), I like strong women, and one who is willing to pay signals that she is not going to become dependent and needy. But the he asked, he should pay rule of thumb is also o.k. if its the first date or so. After all, we do like to give gifts. So that is the tension: allowing us the pleasure of treating you, while at the same time you making sure that you don't become dependant and needy (of course, we all have our down times when we need to be dependent and needy, and us guys like to be there for you in those time, just not too often).

The man is supposed to pay on the first date... the man is supposed to hold the doors...pull out the chairs...
I know that the world is changing, and traditions are being thrown out the window...but we have been trained... I would like to pay for your dinner...the way my father did on his dates...and his father before him. You dont owe us anything by letting us buy you dinner...you have paid that debt in full by merely showing up and indulging us in casual banter. If you get the impression that something is owed then you shouldnt go out to dinner with that man again...hes not worth seeing. So many things in etiquette have been lost to the world, as people grow into technology. so many personal moments have been lost...talking to the person next to you on line at the store has been replaced by talking on your cell phone while your in line next to someone. The world has become complicated and impersonal...at least let us have this one tradition :(

I think the guy should pay for everything on the first date or two. If that creates too much pressure for you then perhaps you shouldn't be dating until you get yourself balanced. I personally like the idea that after you get in an established relationship, it's nice for her to offer to take you out now and then. Maybe every third or fourth date but never anywhere expensive and she doesn't have to entertain you for the whole night. She springs for Chili's every now and then, concert tickets and nice dinners.

Here is my opinion. I'm a girl. :) Whomever sets the date and I mean whomever says lets go to dinner or whatever should pay the expenses. I think this is proper cause they asked.

Now after a few dates etc, then you guys can discuss going dutch.

What KingTerminte said. Big pet peeve of mine -- MAJOR turn off and annoyance when the girl offers to pay. Half the time it means there won't be a 2nd date (or at least a lasting dating relationship). It's just weird, and it bugs me that so many women do it. Other times it's some weird sort of insecurity that they want to show they have the *ability* to pay, but they just don't understand the courting process intrinsically obligates the man to do such things as hold doors and pay. After you have an established relatoinship, then yes, it's natural at some point that you will beging to share finances becauses that is part of being a unified couple. But the courting ritual is ruined by such petty measures as a girl offering to pay. The BEST (most appropriate) conduct I have experienced from a woman on a first date in the past 6 months is an MD -- plenty of means -- who did not even offer, because she recognized and appreciated that the guy needs to be making that effort. In fact, I got so sick of women offering to pay that I vowed that the next time a woman offered I was going to LET her. The whole thing.

Oh, and it's bad enough when they offer to contribute but quickly relent....it's even WORSE when they debate the topic with you about why they shouldn't pay. Totally kills the mood.

I think it's far more important to put out, than it is to pay for the dinner.

NICE!!!

I think it depends on your work/money circumstances too. I work full time and the military pays for college so I have minimal expenses. Sara goes to school full time and only works a few hours a week for just above minimum wage at the college. I have the money while she doesn't. I end up paying much more often but it's worth it to me. When I get home to finish school and she's making more money than me then she can start paying more often.