Fifty Plus (50+) - Dear Abbey,

I've been divorced 9 or 10 years after 29 yrs of marriage.. Sorry, I have a hard "time" with time. I started going out w/a lady a few months after the breakup about 8-1/2 years ago and we have a good time; however, I want to travel, take bike tours and go places I've never been and she wants to take care of her mom, 97, and live a rigid schedule. My business is conducted via phone,(no, I'm not a telemarketer) and I have tremendous amounts of free time. I am fortunate to be able to travel where and when I want. What should I do? Over the last few years, we've taken a lot of trips; however, they are only after a knock down, drag out war.

So Abbey, what should i do? I don't want to go to Mexico, Jamacia and Costa Rica by myself and I don't want to have a "war" to be able to travel--but------I don't want to go w/someone looking for a trip.

Thank you,
Card

You've got to decide what's more important to you. Then communicate. Sometimes life doesn't take us where we really would like to go.

I would say it depends on your SO's relationship with her mother. Is her mother the reason she wants to stay close to home, or is her mother the excuse she's currently using to stay close to home? Assuming her mother passes away in the next few years, will she lighten up, or find a new "mission?"

This is all very close to me, because I'm watching my sister-in-law live out the same scenario. She was always too bothered to do anything but care for her mother. Then, when her mother died, she immediately took up with a man in his 70's who needed constant care. That's who she wanted/needed to be, and when it wasn't her mother, she found someone else to fuss over. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but you may not want to live with it the rest of your life.

So Abbey, what should i do?

IMHO - Getting married later in life is supposed to be about complimenting each other and having a good time, it shouldn't be about compromise and responsibility. I like Big Paulie's question (ie., Is the Mother the reason for her behavior or the excuse for her behaviorJ). Stay friends til you get the answer to all your questions. If she doesn't enjoy what you enjoy, I'd pass on commitment.

Thanks for the comments. I actually thought I'd get tremendously flamed on this one; but, the situation is, I want to travel, I don't want to travel by myself and it's not fun to take a trip after a grand battle to get the trip. And whether she would take up another cause??????????-------probably, because she lives her life on a schedule and I, working in the oil fields, have no schedule. My living is made being able to respond to my customers needs when they have problems. Was it L. Ron Hubbard that said, "Life is Difficult"??????

Stay friends til you get the answer to all your questions. If she doesn't enjoy what you enjoy, I'd pass on commitment.
Not bad advice...except that you may die before you get all your answers. :rolleyes:

Sit down and communicate the importance of travel for you and see how she responds. I know several folks who have a platonic traveling companion that is not their spouse or significant other. Can you enjoy traveling without her?? :(

You're not married to her and its eight and a half years later and you're still trying to figure out the answer to this question? If you haven't figured it out in eight and half years I don't think I could say anything that would matter.

Thanks for the comments. I actually thought I'd get tremendously flamed on this one; but, the situation is, I want to travel, I don't want to travel by myself and it's not fun to take a trip after a grand battle to get the trip. And whether she would take up another cause??????????-------probably, because she lives her life on a schedule and I, working in the oil fields, have no schedule. My living is made being able to respond to my customers needs when they have problems. Was it L. Ron Hubbard that said, "Life is Difficult"??????

No, it was M. Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with. (make a good song Huh?)

All I read in your post spells trouble.

You want freedom, she wants rigidity.

You only take trips after a knockdown, drag out war.

You've gone together 8.5 years, yet not moved forward in the relationship.

There are other ladies out there.

This relationship is not on a good basis.

Move on!

May I suggest www.russian-women.net?

What could be better? They love to travel (by definition), they don't care what you look like (in theory), and they appear to be hotties by law.

I have a somewhat similar situation--except that I'm actually married. We've worked out a pretty good compromise. I'm not recommending this for anyone else but, FWIW, here's what works for us. There's no fighting; but there is a mutal reaspect for each other's differences:

My wife isn't much of a traveler, but I am. I don't like to travel by myself either, so I join one or two (or three) week-long bike tours per year. They're always a blast. I've made many, many friendly aquaintances and a few friends whom I stay in touch with--and sometimes travel with on other tours. Camping trips run by XOBA or TRIRI (google 'em--you can also find many others) are very reasonable, but if you want to go upscale, Backroads.com and others give you a fairly luxurious experience (with corresponding prices).

BTW, other type tours exist--from hiking to bird watching to riding steam locomotives.

It's not the prefect solution. I would like to travel more, and it would be swell if wifey came along more, but life is full of give and take, and da wife and I are committed to each other's happiness.

BTW, when you're old and gray, she might look after you with the same care she's giving her mom. Just sayin'.

I have a somewhat similar situation--except that I'm actually married. We've worked out a pretty good compromise. I'm not recommending this for anyone else but, FWIW, here's what works for us. There's no fighting; but there is a mutal reaspect for each other's differences:

My wife isn't much of a traveler, but I am. I don't like to travel by myself either, so I join one or two (or three) week-long bike tours per year. They're always a blast. I've made many, many friendly aquaintances and a few friends whom I stay in touch with--and sometimes travel with on other tours. Camping trips run by XOBA or TRIRI (google 'em--you can also find many others) are very reasonable, but if you want to go upscale, Backroads.com and others give you a fairly luxurious experience (with corresponding prices).

BTW, other type tours exist--from hiking to bird watching to riding steam locomotives.

It's not the prefect solution. I would like to travel more, and it would be swell if wifey came along more, but life is full of give and take, and da wife and I are committed to each other's happiness.

BTW, when you're old and gray, she might look after you with the same care she's giving her mom. Just sayin'.

That sounds like a winner.:D

2 of my best friends are people that don't like to leave their house... One likes the idea* of travel, but you can't even get him to go out for lunch unless it's within a few miles. It's the hassle of it, I think.

The other one has absolutely no desire to see anything different. She just likes her life exactly the way it is, doesn't like disruptions, and the fact that she won't drive on a freeway or if there's a snowflake in the air adds to her homebody tendencies.

I, on the other hand, get stir crazy if I'm in the same place too long. I find it makes me a better person to be reminded that's it's a huge world out there where things are done differently. Keeps me adaptable.

Anyway, I'd never* date my male friend, and both of them drive me crazy, because we end up doing the same activities over and over... usually me driving over there and sitting in the living room and talking. They're both interesting people and, like I said, they're two of my best friends. But if I ever had my life tied up with theirs too closely, I'd really start to resent their inflexibilities.

On the other hand, I also think it's admirable to like your life exactly* as it is and not want to mess with it.

That 'Dnvr fella' is pretty smart. Tough, but good insight notwithstanding the resulting [and temporary] lonliness. . .but it's time to make tracks, Card.

I don't know what to say, except that a "knock down, drag out fight" is a red flag in my book. Is your relationship with her important enough to you to reach a compromise before it gets to that point?

Life is to short to go to war.
Cut the cord.
Start over.
Find someone who likes the things you do and go on your trips with her.

Just my 2 cents.

You are very brave for putting it out there for all to see. Have you ever considered any kind of couples counseling? Does your SO like to go out to dinner & the movies, or is that a struggle too? If she is entirely house bound, maybe she has agoraphobia??

I like Jet Travis' idea of group touring and finding travel buddies. Of course, you should have some couple vacations too. What are her interests? Maybe physical activity is not her cup of tea. I'm more like you and would love to tour new places & bike through exotic locations.

My husband travels a lot for his work (fighting wildland fires & emergency response team work like the space shuttle crash, 9-11, etc.) Since he's gone at times when I'm holding down the fort, sometimes I go places on my own too - Guaymas, Mexico (school exchange trip), Yuma, California to see relatives, etc.

People don't always need to vacation together but at least a few times a year would be nice. Can see your frustration, but would advise action instead of suffering.

How's the sex?:)

Make this a "poll" instead of a advice column and you will have your answer...
But the real question is "should I make important life decisions based on feedback from anonymous individuals on the Internet?" Just sayin'...

Maybe skip L.Ron Hubbard, and consult Dr. Phil.

Make this a "poll" instead of a advice column and you will have your answer...
But the real question is "should I make important life decisions based on feedback from anonymous individuals on the Internet?" Just sayin'...

And the answer to that is .... "Absolutely!" :D

Make this a "poll" instead of a advice column and you will have your answer...
But the real question is "should I make important life decisions based on feedback from anonymous individuals on the Internet?" Just sayin'...

Anonymous!

Huh!

And the answer to that is .... "Absolutely!" :D

If decisions were made by a poll, there would be no white bikes.:D

I would seriously reconsider taking trips alone. It might be the ideal place to meet women who like to take trips.

I would seriously reconsider taking trips alone. It might be the ideal place to meet women who like to take trips.

+1

I would seriously reconsider taking trips alone. It might be the ideal place to meet women who like to take trips.

That makes a lot of sense.

Thanks to all for the responses.

ps: to DG, although I don't like white bikes, I ordered a new one Saturday. The only acceptable frame color I could get in a reasonable time was................white.

Find someone you get along with better and you will both be happier. Which is after all, the point is it not?

to DG, although I don't like white bikes, I ordered a new one Saturday. The only acceptable frame color I could get in a reasonable time was................white.
Actually, that's how every white bike on the face of the earth was obtained...by duress.:D

card,

The first thing to do.....and this is very, very, important.....is to tell me how to make a living on the phone. My job is killing me.

Now, your issue. Haven't a clue. Good luck.

I think it's far better to order a new white bike than almost anything else I can think of! :D

Anonymous!

Huh!

DnvrFox,
I have never met you in person. In fact I have never met any BF member as far as I know. I only "know" you from your knowledgeable online comments, wisdom and wit. Who knows, maybe you're not in fact a 60-something Colorado resident who enjoys bike riding and blueberry pie, but instead a bike-wise young ingenue who gets her kicks hanging out here with the 50+ folks! Just sayin'...:D

DnvrFox,
I have never met you in person. In fact I have never met any BF member as far as I know. I only "know" you from your knowledgeable online comments, wisdom and wit. Who knows, maybe you're not in fact a 60-something Colorado resident who enjoys bike riding and blueberry pie, but instead a bike-wise young ingenue who gets her kicks hanging out here with the 50+ folks! Just sayin'...:D

I beg to differ. There are a whole passel of 50+'rs who have seen me "in the flesh" so-to-speak. And several may verify (although some may not) that I am indeed sane, and, sadly, am not a young ingenue, but an old - well, you know!

I was going to say, if folks really care about each other, they work things out rather than have knock-down drag-outs, but Jet Travis articulated it much better. Just remember that someone who really cares about you will also want you to be happy. I can understand that the lady may be nervous about leaving her 97-year-old mother alone (no other caretakers?) but that doesn't mean you shouldn't travel. Make hay while the sun shines.....life is short, eat dessert first.....etc....

- Ally

From a practical perspective, for a 50-something guy who has plenty of free time and (apparently) money, and who likes to travel the world...well, as far as women go, it's a "target rich environment".

You're coming here to get advice about your relationship? My man, you are in deep, deep trouble.

>>> should I make important life decisions based on feedback from anonymous individuals on the Internet

Four things:

1. Buyer beware. . .HELL YES. . .as in ALL things.

2. Anonymity is a virtue in this context. It's truth unencumberted by the usual personal communication filters.

3. What better place than BF50+ to get the perspective of literal lifetimes of inter-personal experience. [Read here deep insight borne of the savage scars and tuned instincts of much living.]

4. One could pay much more for much less wisdom.

....

Hey Jet'. Thanks for the reference!! The author is my cousin Mendel. . .Lewis Mehl-Madrona is his name when he's wearing shorts. . .but he still eats crickets and howls at the moon.
.

Hey Jet'. Thanks for the reference!! The author is my cousin Mendel. . .Lewis Mehl-Madrona is his name when he's wearing shorts. . .but he still eats crickets and howls at the moon.
.

He sounds like my kinda guy.