Fifty Plus (50+) - Heavy heart, once again

We have 5 children, all girls. As they grow up and start to move away, I always struggle with it. When they move away to college, I struggle with it - especially in their 2nd year when they sign a 12-month lease and aren't home very much. In our case our four oldest all went to college within 50 miles of our house, with three of them going to the University of Wisconsin, where I work. So I was able to see them frequently and have lunch with them from time to time.

That actually worked well for us, while I missed them not being home much, we saw them regularly.

But then they eventually graduate and move away. I have to say that I just hate to see them move. I am usually in the dumps for days, even weeks, afterward.

This morning daughter #4 left for Vancouver, British Columbia. Got married last week and her husband will be in a graduate program there for a couple of years. The future looks promising for them.

I am very happy for their success and opportunity. I know Vancouver is a great place and my son-in-law is kind to my daughter.

But today is another struggle with a heavy heart, for the 8th time counting 4 daughters first leaving for college and then moving away.

Daughter #5 is still at home, will be just a sophomore in high school this year. So we are a few years away from being empty nesters. I know there are a lot of positive aspects to that, and frankly in some ways I kinda wish that was our situation as I could really use the reduction in stress and complications. Been raising children for 28 years now and must say that it has been both rewarding and exhausting.

I'm looking forward to riding over the next few weeks and sorting things out. Got to get past the sadness to appreciate the positives.

Tom,

I know how you feel. My youngest moved out of our house to Dallas a month ago. I miss her being around and pray every night she stays safe. Hang in there. And BTW, the empty nester thing ain't so bad. Our house is certainly alot quieter and cleaner.

Oh Tom - both of my girls are grown and flown. And while it makes me so sad sometimes, I take happiness in the fact that I did raise independent self-sufficient young women who can follow their dreams - Way too mnay parents of our generation hold our kids back to satisfy our own needs. You did a real, real good job

I share in your saddness. My youngest son was home for the summer, but we took him back last Wednesday. It was just this morning that I realized why I've been feeling depressed for the last few days. Of course, this is something I could never tell him. He'd think I was trying to make him feel guilty rather than let him know how much he means to me. Kids! What are you gonna do? Oh, yeah, the end of your post addresses this.... ride. ;)

The nest is empty.

I followed son #4 to Kansas last Friday to see him properly tucked into the dorm. My wife couldn't go with him. Son #3 left for college last week.

Saturday was the first day in 30 years that she did not talk to one of our four boys. It was a very melancholy weekend around our abode.

Sorry, Tom. That wasn't a problem for me. Mine kept moving back in so many times, when they finally did move out for good, I didn't know it.

Want to borrow one of mine?

Sorry Tom. I know how you feel...all three of ours have flown. Two live a couple hours away and with thier now-busy lives we don't get to see them as often as we would like. Number three is only a couple miles, so we see her often. Actually, after awhile, the empty nest gets quite comfy. You find you start doing things you didn't have time for before. And the visits are now really something special.
Hope the riding helps....

So now you have more room for bicycles. ;)

Sadness is to be expected, depression is not.
As someone said, be proud that they are independent and educated.
Life goes on, be happy now, soon you may be enjoying or raising grandchildren.
I won't share the stories of empty-nesters raising grandchildren.

There are alot of positives to watching your children go learn the ways of the world. Just today I am taking our 2nd son, that we've had home for the last 3 weeks, to catch flights to Spain, he is in the Air Force. He will be in Spain for 3 years. The big positive to that is I see a trip to Spain in my future! The other son lives in CA, and we still have a daughter that is a HS junior this year. I love hearing what is new in their lives!!

As a follow up to my first response to this thread, I'd just like to add....

At one point my wife and I thought about starting a family business. I wish we had done so. Hearing about them, taking pride in their accomplishments, etc. is all good. But seeing them on a regular basis and being a part of their daily life is better.

I'll take one of the spare bedrooms.

Maybe I'll make me a naked room out of one of their bedrooms.

Seemed to take years for my two to move out and no worries about not seeing them. They both moved to a town about 10 miles away, and I always knew when it was too much month left after the money- They came back to get some home Cooking- For a few days.

Then they both bought their own houses with their Fiances- and both are getting married next year. They both bought houses within 1/2 a mile of where I live and I still know when the Month has got too long- They appear at about 6pm and say "That smells good" as they walk though the door. Even if it is going to be a salad.

They may be flying the nest but the allure of Mum's cooking and dad's "Wit" are too strong a tie for them to stay away for too long.

Tom, I miss my pumpkins too. The boy is living with his GF and will finish college in December. He's sitting on a hot job offer and has a promising future. The girl has gone to Germany for her third year of college and writes about how great the beer is. Like we didn't know. Her future looks good too.
Rather than brood about an empty nest, we have taken to watching their lives develop from a discreet distance. They are glad to share with us because we maintain a positive attitude and always reinforce forward thinking. You'll get used to it. But you do have to let your birds fly. bk

Consider and remember the uncounted multitudes of fathers over centuries of time who have watched children leave....including your own father. Doesn't make things any easier... not a bit. But, you aren't alone. I still sit in my daughter or son's room once in a while. A million memories of family times endearing and beckoning.

The kids are out there, riding the wave of maturity and independence throughout their lives to come that you helped create. Chances are, they'll raise their kids in much the same way you raised them.

Better to have had them than not, better for them to be in the world though physically distant, better to go call one of them just to say "Hi"...they're carrying part of you with them always as you do them.

Then, good to go for a ride and dedicate that next hill to what you and your kids have given and will continue to give to each other...whether at home or "out there"-- but always close in your heart and theirs.

Then they both bought their own houses with their Fiances- and both are getting married next year. They both bought houses within 1/2 a mile of where I live and I still know when the Month has got too long- They appear at about 6pm and say "That smells good" as they walk though the door. Even if it is going to be a salad.

I wouldn't mind it at all if they were 50-100 miles away. One is just 12 miles away now. But the other three are 550, 950, and now 2000 miles away. Hard to see much of them. It would be nice if they were within say a 3 hour drive so we could go see them over a weekend.

Of course it is far, far easier to stay in touch with them using modern technology. Between phones, cell phones, email, instant messaging, and even video conferencing, you can make several contacts a week.

I think back of stories I've read about when families migrated to the USA, or when they moved from the East Coast to pioneer country. Many times they never saw family members again.

Consider and remember the uncounted multitudes of fathers over centuries of time who have watched children leave....including your own father. Doesn't make things any easier... not a bit. But, you aren't alone. I still sit in my daughter or son's room once in a while. A million memories of family times endearing and beckoning.

Up until the last couple of generations, most moves were relatively short distances. Now they, like we did, move hundreds of miles.

Your point is a good one, although my own father never had the opportunity to see his children move away as he died at 40. I had an interesting contemplation event when I visited his grave a couple of years back and thought about how I was 10 years older than he had ever been.

I really feel your pain. I just moved my oldest 2000 miles away and the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach has yet to completely go away. I've been completely caught off guard by the after affects. I'm thrilled and very excited for my oldest as she will do fine but I'm still very much concerned for her.

As time goes on, rest assured, your kids will miss you even more than you miss them.
They will be thinking of you often, sometimes several times a day when things aren't so easy and they wonder, "how in the heck did my parents ever manage this?" Some kids will 'fess up to this readily, others won't want to tell you 'cause it's so "mushy". Just pointing out that you and your kids have a heartfelt bond that will NEVER go away. So, try to smile and feel the love!!!!

Not to be too maudlin, but, Tom Bombadil sounds like a great dad.

You need a puppy!! And what a coincidence, I just happen to have one beautiful 8 week old male Jack Russell still available! His sire just won the Working Terrier Conformation Championship this past weekend at the Chicago area JRTCA trial too. He's pretty nice and I know you're tempted.....:)

Seriously, I know what you mean. We have sons close and daughter and grandsons far. I like close better. The seasons of our lives....

I don't have children of my own, but my niece is leaving very soon for school in San Diego. I'm already missing her, yet she is only a phone call or email away. Though she is not my own child, it helps me understand how you must be feeling.

You need a puppy!!

No!

We have a 4 year old golden retriever and two cats. And, as noted above, a 15 yr old daughter going to high school. We do NOT need a puppy!

Not to be too maudlin, but, Tom Bombadil sounds like a great dad.

In some ways I feel pretty good about how I conducted myself as a father, in other ways I wish I had done a few more things and been a little more relaxed. I'd love to redo the first 4 years or so, when I was a moron.

And I would dearly, dearly love to go back about 18 years and take my four oldest for another walk in the park. I reflected on that about 5 years ago and decided then that since I could not do that, that I would take advantage of opportunities to do fun things. And I did a lot of them. So I feel pretty good about the last 5 years.

I do wish I could take a selective eraser to my memory and wipe a few things out. Not terrible things, but instances where I wished I had spent an extra $10 or allowed for another hour or two, or been a little more patient. I suppose this is true for everyone.

You CAN do it all over again, Tom. With five daughters grown, I have one word for you: Grandchilden.

I have felt your pain, too, Tom. When our daughter moved out, 20 mi. east of us to Davis, in her 2nd year, I thought my heart would break. For days I had a weep-fest. (I'd rather crash my bike again than go through that kind of pain.) We were both pretty much basket-cases for a while.

Our second child moved out last Nov., right after Thanksgiving. Again, I could hardly stand the pain. Our baby...gone...to San Bruno...sob. :cry:

We've found ways to fill the void but the house never seems complete until they come back. Our daughter lives a wee bit closer to us than does our son, but lacks a car, so we don't see her as often as we'd like. Our son comes home about twice a month, since he still has friends here, and enjoys the quiet, the dogs, the organized laundry & cooking facilities.

I take great pleasure and pride in knowing that we've raised them to be independent, and they still like coming home.

Your time will come, Tom, where it won't hurt so bad. Hang in there.

So now you have more room for bicycles. ;)And probably more money to spend on them. ;)

But seriously, it sounds like you did pretty well with her. She could have "had" to marry some bum with neither job nor prospects and want to move back in with you. :eek:

No!

We have a 4 year old golden retriever and two cats. And, as noted above, a 15 yr old daughter going to high school. We do NOT need a puppy!But a puppy, especially a JRT, would liven things up so much that you wouldn't have time to feel sad. :D

Tom, we could re-live parenthood a hundred times, and always find things to do differently or better. I wish I'd gone on fewer bicycle rides and spent more time enjoying the now seen as fleeting times I had with them. More camping trips, more story books in the lap, off for an ice cream cone more often, front porch conversations, etc. But, ultimately, there would never have been enough such times, and I could never have made perfect enough decisions often enough. Time to be glad for what went well and that they turned out well..........not perfect, but perfect enough to produce nice people. Let it go at that and remember all the good.

That's what they probably do.

Sorry, Tom. That wasn't a problem for me. Mine kept moving back in so many times, when they finally did move out for good, I didn't know it.

I am with you, brother, they are the boomerang generation (they keep coming back). We love our daughters but it is much more of a treat when we see them than when they lived here.

It's because you love them and because you are only one of two people in the entire world that has been with them since the day they were born. Funny, how as time goes on you forget all those moments when you wanted to strangle them. But they became an important part of your life and now they're gone. I think I'll go hug my kids, who are still living at home, but I hear the clock ticking.

Tom, those feelings are near and dear to my heart. We just returned from delivering
twin #2 to college 700 miles away. Twin #1 is only 250 miles away. The house is so
quiet that it's hard to sleep at night. As much as I looked forward to the peace and
quiet, the end of the dreaded deadlines and the freedom to go anywhere at any time
the void created by their absence is quite large. When we returned home we learned
our other, older daughter is in the process of accepting her dream job in California upon
completion of her Bachelors Degree next Spring. She's currently there on an Internship,
and will return home for six months in November to finish school, as she attends R.I.T.
and commutes from home. Her performance on her Internships, especially her current
six month one in her preferred field, and her fantastic G.P.A. has paid off for her quite
nicely.

So, on the plus side, all three of our daughters are starting off in the dirrections of
their dreams. They're all good kids and we're excited for them. With the twins just
starting college this fall and our oldest having left for her Internship in June, all
three flew the coop within 12 weeks of each other. As proud as we are of our
three daughters and as welcome as the peace and quiet is.....the void created
by their almost sudden absence is overwhelming.

How fortunate this generation is to have access to cell phones and e-mail. Not a day
goes by that my wife doesn't hear from at least one of the girls.

So Tom, and all the rest of us, onward we ride...in the solitude of many pleasant
memories and into the promise of many more.

Cranky ... the irony is that you just delivered twin #2 to within 80 miles of me. That's where I wish mine were!

That's the irony of parenting. Just when they get to be really good company, they up and leave you. And that's how it's supposed to be.

Big hug to you Tom. It's a difficult time. Riding, inexplicably, does help.