General Cycling Discussion - Shouldn't I be Happy?

Ok I have had a really rough summer, with a lot of changes going on in my life. The most positive one being that I am in the best physical shape of my life, all thanks to cycling. I was reading one of my Mom's magazines and a quote struck me as strange, "nothing taste better than thin feels." And I realized that while that may be true, it doesn't prepare you for the they way people relate to you when you have reached a personal goal.

It seems that with the lower blood pressure, smaller clothes, and better outlook on life, the people around me seem to be more critical of me. I find that I get criticized for riding my bike, for grad school, and generally for wanting to be happy.

Has anyone else been through this? I know I need to make some new friends, but it is really hard letting go of the old ones. Has anyone else been through this, and how did you get past it?

Thanks.

I dunno really man, maybe you're being more critical of those around you? Anyways, I'm not quite sure what the problem is here, you want new friends because your current ones are holding you back or what? I wanted new friends, different life, better environment, so i transferred to a college that's ~1200miles away and i enjoy myself so much more. Anyways, if moving isn't an option try to make new friends where you're at somehow. Sounds like you're depressed :(

Not really depressed, just frustrated. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I just wondered how others dealt with the changes in some of their relationships after changes in their lives.

Well, i'm still not sure what you're frustrated with :) If it's with your friends then just make new ones, yes it is very hard but can be rewarding and fun. Maybe you could tell us what's going on.

My wife and I are moving to Denver so she can go to grad school at the University of Denver for Anthropology with and emphisis in Museum studies and we get all kinds of crap, I am a bit easily put off by this so I usually reply that Some one has to do what they want with their life, which puts an end to any further naysaying. Then I smile and say how excited we are and leave it at that. I don't want to be obnoxius and we do not take to hart much of what people have to say about it. As for biking I usually don't bring it up. Both biking and Kelly's grad program are important to us and we benifit from them and they make us happy. What other peoples input is not much concern to us. You were right on when you called your goals personal, and you might be expecting to much from other people to be happy for you, I'm not saying this is right or wrong, that's just the way people are. any way congratulations on your accomplishments, don't let these people get you down or deminish your success because you are the only one you really have to worry about making happy, but since misery loves company, we are in the same boat. Good luck with future endevors

People who have displayed a lack of respect for you are hardly worth calling friends. I'd tell them to buzz off if they have some sort of problem with me.

And by all means your happines should not be so dependant upon others approval. It sounds as though you are already happy with yourself and that is the most important.

By what I read on these forums you are a very kind and respectful individual. Anyone not seeing you this way is not the person I'd call friend nor would I want to associate with them.

Yah temp is right, most people would rather try to hold you down when they see that you're doing something worthwhile while they're standing still. Unfortunately we all need some human contact (i.e. friends) and if they're negative it drags us down.

Hey temp1, you're another illinois guy to move to CO (i'm heading back there this sunday or monday, not sure yet). Where in Denvah will you be living?

Originally posted by cyclochica
Has anyone else been through this? I know I need to make some new friends, but it is really hard letting go of the old ones.

From the way you described your situation, it would lead one to wonder if your "old friends" were truly friends to begin with.

Relationships solely built upon commonalities, I would be loath to call friendships.

My friendships run much deeper than things we have in common. That said, I know I have very few friends, but I treasure those few much more than surrounding myself with 1000 people I can get along with really well.

CC, I am going through something similar.

My friends and family think all the cycling I do is crazy. A couple of days ago, I was talking to a friend and telling him about a century I had planned for Saturday, and he said something like "we have to get you out and get you a life!". I was like- I have a life, and cycling is a big part of it. He just couldn't see how I would want to get on my bike and ride anyplace except up and down the bike path every so often for a few miles.

My parents used to drive me insane after I put on the weight from a year ago- they harassed me unmercifully about losing the weight. Now, they get upset that I do early morning rides and ride in the street, despite the fact that I've lost 19 pounds and am on my way to getting the last 15- 20 pounds off. Today, they gave me the third degree because of these loudmouth doormen yapped to them about how I'm leaving out at 415am in the mornings for my ride. They think I'm going to get hit or raped in the dark... who gave them that idea??? Sheesh!

I got an email from a girlfriend. Email #1 was on a Thursday wanting to hook up on Saturday (last week). I told her I was doing a century that day, and that I would probably be too tired to go out with her that evening. Her answer? "You are crazy!", and she meant it. I told her she needs to schedule with me in advance because I need to check and see what my ride schedule is- she cannot just email me last minute with a demand for company! Email #2 came at the very beginning of this week- she was more mindful of my riding schedule and gave me more options, so I picked a time that didn't conflict with my riding, but she still called my cycling "crazy riding". I am beginning to think that I will need new friends. Unfortunately, I don't know quite where to go to find these new cycling friends. :(

Hang in there- you're in transition just like me. Sometimes, you just need to hang in there until you find your nitche, that's all.

We are moving about 4 miles north of DU near Cheeseman park, I think they call it the Capitol Hill neighborhood?

That's one trait of evolution, I think. You are evolving and they are not (and they probably feel it the opposite way). Unless they are jaleous, I don'T think they complain because you are happy. But they might complaint because you don't like the same things, same outings, etc. or have the same goals in life.

I'm afraid new friends are in order.

Similar situation when I moved to a new province.

My father and mother, with every chance they get, tell me I should not have moved. Well, my wife and i are much more happier here, both work and personal life, many new friends.

Before I moved my mother was always on my case about my job, and how worried she is all the time about me being on the ship - being dangerous and all. Now that i moved, and no longer work on the ship, Mom and Dad are *****in about how I am not at home anymore.

So I say to them
I had 2 choices:
1) move and be happy and you would be unhappy
2) stay and I'd be unhappy and you would still be unhappy

No matter what I do, you will still be unhappy. So I moved......

One other thing. I was a big kid. Mom and Dad always tried to get me to loose weight and had me on an exercise and weight program when I was a kid. When I turned 20 and finally got out from under their control, I lost weight, took up cycling, and I am fit, fit, fit. Of course now I am too thin (6 foot 170 pounds) and Mom is worried about me riding a bike and that I sweat too much and could get killed.

Listen to me - screw 'em, do what you want if it makes you happy. Ain't gonna please em no how, no way, and you'll never do anything right anyway.

Digger

Originally posted by cyclochica
Ok I have had a really rough summer, with a lot of changes going on in my life. The most positive one being that I am in the best physical shape of my life, all thanks to cycling. I was reading one of my Mom's magazines and a quote struck me as strange, "nothing taste better than thin feels." And I realized that while that may be true, it doesn't prepare you for the they way people relate to you when you have reached a personal goal.

It seems that with the lower blood pressure, smaller clothes, and better outlook on life, the people around me seem to be more critical of me. I find that I get criticized for riding my bike, for grad school, and generally for wanting to be happy.

Has anyone else been through this?
Yes. It's the price you have to pay for being a leader.

Yah do what you want. Most people that criticize just don't understand. Like Koffee's friends it sounds like. My old friends are the same way, like "why do you like to be outside with nothing to do" or some other stupid statement. Then again, i'm done with them being fulltime friends as i don't see them for months at a time :) Good luck man.

cyclo,

I can also understand how you feel, my worst experiances biking was when i got back to my fraternity house in full jersey and spandex while some of the guys were "less than sober." I walked by them and received the worst degree about cycling/spandex/and things i will never discuss in public. I was devistated. These were my brothers and while i expected a little heat from them, what I got shocked me. They never even thought about appologizing to me after for what they said... not once and it took some time for me to look at them again. when I was finally a little less angry i realized some people just dont have the mindset to accept certian things. For my brothers it was cycling and for me it was their lack of compassion. I would like to tell everyone that it gets better and life goes on better than before, but i cant. I still cycle, and everytime some says anything about cycling or me (in a bad way), i just cycle harder and faster.

somehow i think we all have had these problems, some not as much as others, IMO its because people just do not understand why we ride and until they get the cycling bug, they never will...

-Ross

A few things struck a chord with me:

1. Pete Clark's comment about being a leader

2. Sam's very kind compliment

3. The advice to just do what makes me happy because I can't make anyone happy but myself

4. ****'s story

Reading all the comments I realized I never got this much flak when I played basketball or tennis, but it seems cycling is something only a few us have the opportunity to appreciate.

Whatever the case I feel better knowing I am not the only one who has gone through this, and that no matter what happens it will all work out the way it is supposed to. I am quite sure that no matter what happens I will continue to ride my bike.

Thanks Ya'll from the bottom of my heart.

Sam's got iy right! From your posts I think your a real neat person (chheck my profile - I'm too old for this to be a pass) and if your friends don't appreciate you it should be real easy to find some that do.

Joe

Hey Chica......stop worrying about what others think of you! I've learned to do what's best for me without hurting others and at the same time learned to have less sympathy for those who don't try their best. These are the same people I see and hear who constantly b*tch and are envious of your accomplishments. I guess this is also one reason why I've gradually moved right of center over the years....as far as politics go... Hang in there chick!

Sometimes people react in the wrong way when a friend improves themselves. Maybe they are afraid you are going to change in other ways and leave them behind. By "bringing you back to the pack" they can keep you with them. What they don't realize is they are driving you away with this behavior.

There's also the possibility of jealousy and self-hate. Maybe a little harsh, but they could see in you what they want to be but aren't, so they need you to be like them.

At any rate--keep up the good work and you'll be much stronger in the long run, with or without these friends.

Just random thoughts, hopefully they'll be useful. I'm no Dr. Phil ;)

But now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads
they say I've changed
but somethings lost and somethings gained
from living everyday
Judy Collins

I've always found solace in this, hope it helps you.

Marty

Hi. Sounds like you've got your head together and that's all that counts. :thumbup:


Originally posted by cyclochica
The most positive one being that I am in the best physical shape of my life, all thanks to cycling.
:beer:



I find that I get criticized for riding my bike, for grad school, and generally for wanting to be happy.
I don't understand why anyone would be critical of you for going to grad school.
Grad school will open up so many more opportunities in the future that you could miss out on if you don't go.
Don't worry about the opinions of others.
GO FOR IT!!!
You'll meet many new friends in school and hopefully they will be more supportive.

You go girl.

Change is never easy. You just have to ask yourself how bad you want it and how far you are willing to go to get it.

About 3 years ago, I made some major changes to my life. My friends were critical of me also. For a while, it was hurtful. However, I stood by my commitments and they eventually realized that I was serious and that my change wasn't just some fad that I'd abandon in a couple of months. Most of them came around.

Just stick by your guns and your true friends will stay with you.

My 2-cents:

If your actions match your intentions (the intention to be happy, be healthy, cause no harm, have compassion for others, etc), then you will find peace and be happy with yourself.

My guess is that your friends are afraid. They see you developing into a strong, healthy, self-confident woman and they are afraid of losing you. now, the way they are going about it is all wrong and if they keep it up, they will lose you. Tthey are reacting to your development with emotional and selfish actions. This may be something you can talk about with them before you decide to switch out to a new group of friends. You may consider talking with them especially if these are friends that you've had for a long time; people that truly care about you regardless of how they are acting at this time.

good luck, keep up the wonderful work you are doing and believe in yourself. Liz

Awe yeaa! ...exactly why this is such a great forum. ....We're not crazy! ...they're the ones who's crazy!

Last night I was talking to a non-cycling friend about plans for weekends in September. I was asking when an upcoming wine event was happening, and they weren't sure of the exact date. Then I mentioned other things going on ...just kinda thinking outloud. I said "well I have a big ride coming up in Coeur d'Alene, and one of those weekends we're climbing Mt Adams..." and I noticed that this person was looking at me as if I was from another planet. I said "...probably sounds a little ambitious huh?" They said something like "yea! a bit!" And it was just another reminder that us active types are kinda out there by ourselves. It's a bit lonely feeling sometimes. ...I'm slowly building another set of friends. :) I think it's all we can do.


As far as the physical stuff, and your friends giving you grief about looking better and having ambitions for grad school, etc.... It's just jealousy. They want you to stay in their world.

You guys and gals are definitely the best. Thanks for all the words of encouragement :D

Hey cyclochica,

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I took up martial arts last year and cycling this year because I wanted to lose weight and feel better. Thirty pounds later, I look and feel great and am getting divorced. It seems that when I found my self confidence, the "wus-band" couldn't handle it. He actually had the nerve to tell me I needed to quit my "hobbies". As if being fit and self confident is a hobby.

I have dealt with it by remembering how miserable I was before I started my new passions. How horrible it felt to be overweight and unhappy. Remembering how crummy it felt to go home and do nothing at night/on weekends. I feel so good now, even though I have more to lose, I carry myself completely differant from a year ago. It's amazing how my perspective has changed. I know now that anyone who criticizes me for who I am, is not worth my time. Anyone who cannot accept me as I am; whole, beautiful and slightly crazy; does not deserve my friendship.

I wish you the best in everything that you do. You go girl.... :)

Cyclochica, you are happy.

I'm 46, married with four children, three are adults, still living at home. I cycle to work quite often and often use the bike to do errands and do the weekend ride stuff. The kids are quick to jump in the car and do their stuff, expecting Dad to cycle to work and leave them the car. I told someone sometime ago, in response to their concern about my cycling around, that my mother thinks I'm nuts (she has said this twice). And he answered, "Only your mother?" So I laugh.

We don't always receive encouragement, especially from our families such as our parents and other siblings. I don't. But I am way more active and healthier than my parents and brothers. And that's what's important.

My wife is very encouraging. And now she bought herself a hybrid bike to get around locally without the use of the car. And to come on rides with me. My 18-year old daughter has talked about cycling to the nearby college, once she gets a racy looking MTB or Hybrid.

Many other people that I know, have commented on how much weight I have lost over the last two years, look younger and healthier and are quite impressed.

We have a lifetime to experience the not so goods and the really greats. And we cherish those few moments and words of encouragement. It takes several years of growth during our adult years to get past the negativity and insensitivity of others. And we search and find those who are positive and full of life. And that is what is good about living.

Finding a local cycle club, randoneering events, and/or charity rides, you'll have lots of fellow cyclists who'll give you lots of encourgement, affirmation, support and great camaraderie.

And you know what, Cyclochica, you get to do what you really enjoy, like so many hundreds of thousands do everyday - get outside and ride. ;)

You have to live your life the best way you can. Do whatever it takes to make yourself happy (it's your life & you have to live with the choices you make, or don't make). The people that are criticizing you (for biking, or whatever) just don't understand your choices.

Most people don't seem to understand very active people. Our neighbor (who's also pretty active) saw us riding off on our tandem late one afternoon & hollered out "I thought you were climbing Mt. Washington?" We replied "We did that this morning!"

We're also up at 4:15am to exercise. It's a great time to start the day! Even on weekends we're usually up by 5:00am.

Have you checked out the local bike groups? Maybe you could make new friends there that share your interests more than your old friends. And there's nothing wrong with sharing different interests with different people. I don't have 1 friend (other than my husband) that shares ALL of my interests. But have different friends to share different interests with.

Just do what makes you feel the best, you can't make yourself miserable just to make everyone else happy. Good luck & keep on biking!

Originally posted by cyclochica
I was reading one of my Mom's magazines and a quote struck me as strange, "nothing taste better than thin feels." And I realized that while that may be true, it doesn't prepare you for the they way people relate to you when you have reached a personal goal.


That sounds like a Weight-Watcher's quote. :)

I've been in your shoes. I know exactly how you feel. I lost 67 Lbs. I got off of my blood pressure medication, my head aches stopped, and other health problems went away. I felt better than I had in over 20 years. At about the same time I fell in love with cycling.

My "friends" treated me the same way as you have described. They were always saying negative and sometimes even hateful things about my success. My doctor has even said a few discouraging things about my enthusiasm toward cycling even though he had originally encouraged me to loose the weight.

What has really helped is that I transitioned from one group of friends (obese couch potatoes) to athletic friends (road cyclists, mountain bikers, tri-athletes, runners). I've found that not only is it great to have friends who share the same enthusiasm as I do but these people seem to have a more positive view on life in general. I really believe it's because they too are happier because they are healthier.

I've been in the company of my cycling friends for over two years now. Lately I've been struggling with my weight again. Instead of criticizing me they have all been really encouraging. Quite a few of them have told me that they too had lost a considerable amount of weight in the past and have since struggled with their weight (although you couldn't tell it by looking at them.) So even when I'm struggling I've found them to be better friends!

You will be better off to find new like minded friends! :)

Something to keep in mind. This is a quote from my Reverend, "When you stand on a table, it easier for those around you to pull you down, than it is to pull them up". Keeping religion out of the equation, you really have to be very selective about the people you consider your "TRUE" friends. I'm a very polite and friendly person and I'm "friends" with many people in my job, my hobbies, my ...etc. However, I can count my "TRUE" friends on one hand, and I'm blessed to have as many as I do.

You will always have the friends around you, but your "TRUE" friends are the ones standing next to you on the Table.

L8R

You're right; you ARE damned if you do, damned if you don't. For every thing a person does in his/her life there will be 10 people to comment on it, for or against. So who cares :D You can guess all you want at what they're thinking, why they say things, but when it comes down to it it doesn't matter at all. The only thing that's important is knowing you're doing what makes you happy. There are a few people on this board who have struck me and made me think "wow what a neat person", and you're one of them.
I always tell myself in relationships (friendship, or otherwise) that if the differences are too great or things just aren't 'clicking'...no big deal. There's not necessarily anything wrong with me or the other person. I just need to nicely pick up my toys and go play elsewhere :D No hard feelings, talk to ya later (just might not be spending hours with ya anymore!). If you're really intensely into something like cycling or anything that is a huge chunk of your life, I really believe that unless you want to give it up to some degree you just have to surround yourself with people who are similar.
I recently had a close friend roll her eyes and make a noise of disgust when I said I couldn't go out Saturday night because I was going on a ride in the morning. Ah well..tough noogies :D

Can't really add much to this that hasn't already been said. Except that your are not alone and that I think just about everyone else on this forum is in the same boat in their own way. My family, co-workers & friends all think I'm crazy. When I told them my plans to go for a 100+ km ride on my 30th birthday (this month on the 29th :D ), they all said I was nuts.

Yeah, well whatever. :p

I found that as I get older and more experienced in life, the less I have to rely on what other people think about me. I do what I do and thats all there is to it. If people cannot recognize me for who I am then oh well, I don't lose sleep over it.

A Toast: Here's to all of us! :beer:

well, i just got back from my 11-day mountain trip... i led a group of 13 riders on a 9-day MTB tour across the Alps... (at this point usually come all the questions of dismay) yes, we BIKED up and over all the mountains, yes i carried a 20lb backpack and no we didn't have a support vehicle... (ok, i don't have to explain to you guys, but i think you know what i mean)...

i am a person who DOES a lot - i bike to work year round in the snow or rain or heat, ride 6000+ miles per year, mountain climb, etc ---- and i am constantly explaining my "crazy" actitivies. do what YOU want. be happy. and maybe some time you'll motivate someone else to get off his own fat butt or get over his own insecurites and do something... i choose not to do certain things like drive an expensive car or eat fancy dinners so i can travel (most recent: went to Russia in January) and do sports (1 week snowboarding Chamonix in feb, 2 weeks rock climbing in June in France, 11-day MTB trip in August, plus in the mountains EVERY weekend) - there are so many things i want to do and i'm not going to not do them b/c someone else things i'm weird...

6 years ago i move to Oregon because i felt like it. 2 years ago i moved to Germany - why? because i felt like it.

as to the other stuff (grad school, etc) do what you want. i quit a $100k/yr job at age 30 to go back to grad school - yes, most people thought i was a freak, but do what you want (unfortunately in the "career" area *I* don't know quite what *I* want, but that's _my_ problem)

in my case i am lucky as my family is very supportive... as to friends: i have some who don't do as nearly as much and are half-ways understanding. they may think i am a little crazy, but respect that it makes me happy.

life is short. do the most that you can and don't let others hold you back! sounds like you're on the right path.