Chuck Norris

[guitardude7889]

When chuck norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up... he pushes the world down.

[gaudentius]

Ha! A physics joke!!! :D

[oktokrewl]

Chuck Norris's main export is PAIN

[runner pat]

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. EVER!

[Sixty Fiver]

Some of my faves...

God wanted 10 days to create the world...Chuck gave him six.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting because ‘hunting’ implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

[pj7]

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity, twice, consecutively.

[stringbreaker]

When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet the pool gets Chuck Norris

[stringbreaker]

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard just another fist to kick you butt

[trackhub]

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

[Autokat]

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer but he never cries

[oktokrewl]

If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!

[Cyclaholic]

Chuck Norris doesn't have to read a book, he stares it down untill it gives up all the information.

[Cyclaholic]

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Centuries from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

[Cyclaholic]

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

[Cyclaholic]

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

[filtersweep]

damn memesters.... these things were never funny.

[POLK727]

The reason we haven't been visited by aliens, is because the aliens are scarred of Chuck Norris

[mezza]

Chuck Norris only invented gravity so when he roundhouse kicks bad guys they don't fly in to outer space and mess up the satellites that supply his TV channels.

[KingTermite]

damn memesters.... these things were ALWAYS funny.
There...fixed it for ya.

[KingTermite]

Here's a few I came up with in a thread over in Foo last month.

Before that, the world was void. Chuck Norris told God that he'd kick is ass if he didn't create a world full of people for him to kick the asses of. God obeyed.

Then he kicked God's ass anyway.

The earth used to have one large continent (Pangea). Chuck Norris decided there should be more continents, so there was. Chuck didn't break up the continent himself. He just told it to break up and Pangea did so out of fear.

[cranky old road]

When Chuck Norris was a child he made HIS MOTHER eat his vegetables.

[Bob Ross]

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus

[Bob Ross]

Much to MC Hammer's chagrin, Chuck Norris can touch this.

[Mofopotomus]

Both of Chuck Norris's balls are bigger than the other one.

Chuck Norris traveled back in time to save JFK, he deflected the bullets with his beard. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

[Zan]

Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark; the dark is afraid of him.

Chuck Norris doesn't leap over tall buildings, tall buildings duck under Chuck Norris.

[Davet]

An e-mail and pic from my son, deployed in Iraq:

Pictured: Myself and Chuck Norris sealing the deal
whereupon he agrees not to kill me via roundhouse kick

Not pictured: Him doing it anyway

[Zan]

Chuck Norris puts "laughter" in "manslaughter"

[Jacobi]

Chuck Norris puts "laughter" in "manslaughter"

Perfect!

[wfin2004]

I seen Chuck Norris on a commercial tonight for some weight machine. My god the man has a toupee now!

[pj7]

I seen Chuck Norris on a commercial tonight for some weight machine. My god the man has a toupee now!
It's not a toupe, it's the scalp os his last victim. He wears it as a badge.

[Poppaspoke]

I'm one of the few who caught the Chuck Norris/William Shatner
stage production of Waiting for Godot.

My God, that man can act!

[~Stuart~]

chuck norris once walked down the street with an erection... there were no survivors



chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad did


god said "let there be light", "say please" responded chuck

[On Rails]

Chuck Norris had a testicle contest with Lance Armstrong and won by 4 balls.

[Pwnt]

If God and Chuck Norris fought who would win?

HA! Trick question. Chuck Norris is GOD! :D

[DPN]

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse. It's descendants are known as giraffes.

I love these things...

DPN

[Bob Ross]

I'm one of the few who caught the Chuck Norris/William Shatner
stage production of Waiting for Godot.


Please tell me this is (also) a joke!

No, wait...tell me it really happened...and that it's available on youtube!

[Zan]

Chuck Norris can win a game of connect four in three moves.

[mrnicho]

When Chuck Norris parties too much, he does not throw up... he throws down.

[cydisc]

Chuck Norris Knock-Knock Joke:

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Look behind you.

[Bob Ross]

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

[yoyostock]

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

[guitardude7889]

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

[NaBlade]

If Chuck Norris was a Spartan, the movie would have been called "1".

[dam6923]

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

[ken cummings]

Fine, I see we all found the Chuck Norris joke site. I like the one: Chuck Norris died 3 1/2 years ago but God is afraid to tell him.

[Zan]

Fine, I see we all found the Chuck Norris joke site. I like the one: Chuck Norris died 3 1/2 years ago but God is afraid to tell him.

Sounds like YOU found the Chuck Norris joke site and were disappointed that all the good ones were posted. ;)

[CrimsonKarter21]

An exerpt from the book The Alphabet of Manliness by Maddox:

One time I went to Chuck Norris's house on Halloween, and I dressed like a ***** because you're supposed to dress like something you're not, and I figured Chuck Norris would appreciate ironic humor. I walked up a winding pathway to his house, which was a giant floating volcano with American bald eagles flying around it, and with a long staircase leading to the top.
I walked up the staircase for what seemed like days, and when I finally reached the top, I saw Chuck Norris sitting on his throne. I dared not look him in his eyes because one time this guy looked him in his eyes and Chuck Norris spontaneously combusted him. No one is allowed to speak with Chuck; the only thing you're allowed to do in his presence is bow, kiss his ring, bow again, and leave. So I walked up to his throne and saw that he was wearing a ring made out of solid diamonds with a unicorn that had an erection.
{snip}
I once had a friend who claimed that he went over Chuck Norris's house and hung out with him. I didn't believe him, so I asked him for proof and he told me that Chuck Norris owns the complete Back to the Furure trilogy on laser disc. I was so jealous that I called him a liar, but deep inside I knew he was telling the truth.


Or, even better:

Chuck Norris starts his day like every red-blooded man: with a giant boner. After rubbing one off, Chuck flosses with steel wool. Then he eats a bowl of dynamite, takes a massive two-flush mega****, and wipes his ass with intercepted letters to Santa Claus.
After breakfast, Chuck brings in his mail and uses the Spear of Destiny as an envelope opener. Chuck Norris not only stays up to date on current events, but future ones as well so that he can ruin the ending to new Harry Potter books before they're even written.
One time, Chuck Norris read a news piece about some guy who was given a death penalty for treason. Treason is especially offensive to Chuck because he embodies everything that is, was, or ever will be American. Chuck Norris loves America so much that when he gets interrupted during sex, he gets red, white, and blue balls. So when Chuck read about this traitor, he killed himself, went to Hell and ripped the guy's face off and uses it as a loincloth to this day. Chuck then resurrected himself , went to lunch, and paid for his food using exact change.
In the evening, Chuck Norris likes to sit in the dark and silently pray that his enemies get cancer

[panacristi]

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. :)

[Lamplight]

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag, he potato sacks.

[panacristi]

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
:))