Foo - Long relationship rant for the bored

So I've been married a few months now. When we got married it didn't feel like a big deal because we had already been together for five years and had lived together for a while. We both went to work the next day and continued our lives as normal. Marriage was no big deal, I thought. I never even considered it possible that marriage could change anything. I'm starting to wonder if I was wrong about that.

No matter what I'm doing, I like to have an exit strategy. I think it it gives an illusion of choice. For example, I can quit my job any time I want. Somehow that keeps me going when times get rough because I feel like the end is near, so I can tolerate one more bad week or so. By the time that week is up I've usually snapped out of whatever funk I was in. I end up thinking, "Hey, I didn't quit, so I must be here for a reason." Marriage is different. When I get pissed at my wife what am I to do? I can't just break up with her or kill her. This thing is permanent, and sometimes that permanence leaves me feeling hopeless. If I can't just leave, how do I know I'm there for the right reasons? How do I know I'd still be there if I had the option to leave?

Why do I feel the need to spend my entire life with one person? I couldn't spend my entire life with one bike. If you look at some of our close primate relatives, many of them are not monogamous. I'm not sure that human monogamy is the best biological fit. It's most likely entirely culturally based, probably with roots in religion. I rejected religion long ago, yet I cling to this monogamy thing. That doesn't make any sense.

Times change and so do people. Where was I 5 years ago? I lived in a different town, had a different job, had a different car, had different friends, lifted weights almost to the point of obsession, and hadn't even started cycling yet. Look at me now. I don't even have a car (got rid of it in favor of a bike) and, outside of family, I don't even talk to people I knew back then. My weightlifting obsession was replaced with my cycling obsession, which, as funny as it may sound, has changed my outlook on a lot of things in life. Think about it. My diet changed, the people I hang out with changed (picture the average musclehead in your local gym alongside the average roadie), I went from spending 2 hours a day inside with blaring rock music to spending 2+ hours a day outside with peace and quiet, and so on. That all adds up. I think of myself now as a calmer, more peaceful man who is more connected to nature.

I've changed and I associate with different people, yet I still deal with the same woman. Or do I? Come to think of it, she has changed as well. What's funny is that the changes we've made tend to make us more and more different. When we first met neither one of us had many friends. As soon as we became close I felt socially satisfied and distanced myself even more from others. She has tended to gather more and more friends, none of whom have anything in common with me. She used to be in alright shape and she'd be open to me trying to get her to do somewhat active things like taking hikes. I get in better and better shape as my life goes on, but she gets in worse and worse shape. I can't ask her to do anything physical or else she'll whine about it and/or accuse me of calling her fat. We used to be pretty happy people, but these days she likes to get mad about any little thing and stay mad for the rest of the day. I can't even joke around anymore.

But here's the big problem- Our careers are taking on completely different paths. Ever since college was over I've wanted to move to a particular region of the country that shall remain anonymous. To make a long story short, my career has fallen flat on its face and I have wasted plenty of years of college. I'm at the point where I just need to start over. I have decided on a career that puts me in the exact region where I want to be. It will take me a long time to get hired, so I'm applying right away. My wife wants to stay where we are, and we had an agreement that we would stay here for 3 years. She accuses me of breaking our deal. The thing is, the only reason we're here in the first place is because she broke our original deal to begin with. (She applied for a job that she really wanted. I said if she got it we could stay here for 3 years. If not, we'd move as soon as we saved enough money. She didn't get the job. I figured we'd be moving after a year or so. Turns out she applied again and ended up getting the job.) It could take up to a year or more for me to even get hired, followed by 3 months of training, followed by maybe a month or so to move to my actual location. Overall we could be looking at a year and a half, which would make it 2 years that we've lived here. 2/3 isn't bad, right? After all, things change. I'm not happy here and one more year of plotting my escape is about all I can handle. I can understand why she would be upset that I broke our deal, but the funny thing is that I was going to apply for a 1-year volunteer program in the same area (many hours away) and she was OK with that.

Now I'm to the point where I really don't care. I'm not living here forever and that's that. If we get divorced over it, so be it. I'm excited about the new career. It's the only thing I've actually been able to see myself spending my whole life doing. Before we got married we both understood that I was going to move eventually. Now she's whining about it. I feel like she's trying to trap me here and planned on it all along. Or maybe I'm just selfish and should wait until my 3 years are up. Easier said than done. I'm tired of wasting my future. Life is too short.

So I've been married a few months now. When we got married it didn't feel like a big deal because we had already been together for five years and had lived together for a while. We both went to work the next day and continued our lives as normal. Marriage was no big deal, I thought. I never even considered it possible that marriage could change anything. I'm starting to wonder if I was wrong about that.

No matter what I'm doing, I like to have an exit strategy. <snip>
This is where I stopped reading.


Just what part of "till death do us part" doesn't feel good to you? If you have problems with that concept, just why the **** did you get married?

This is where I stopped reading.


Just what part of "till death do us part" doesn't feel good to you? If you have problems with that concept, just why the **** did you get married?

Yep....it is a promise to yourself, to your spouse, and in front of God. It is not something to take lightly.

This is where I stopped reading.


Just what part of "till death do us part" doesn't feel good to you? If you have problems with that concept, just why the **** did you get married?

No kidding. And control is merely an illusion.

It seems to me you did your reflecting later than you should have. Perhaps before taking vows would have been a better idea. But, since that didn't happen... move forward.

It isn't that you made your bed, and should lay in it. It is that every relationship takes two people to make it survive. Stop pointing blame as to who broke what deal and actually sit down and talk to your wife. No blame, just a raw conversation about your feelings and explain WHY you want things - and not *because I wanna*.

You made commitments, live up to them without freaking out whether someone else lived up to their commitments. In other words, grow up.

Yep....it is a promise to yourself, to your spouse, and in front of God. It is not something to take lightly.

I'll give you the first two. Not so much God tho', but society. To divorce is a public push of the "Fail" button.

I dont know, part of me felt bad for her ( probably not what you wanted to hear) but you've been with her for 5 years, you had all these years to take the time to think if marrying her was the right thing for you.
you marry her and now you wonder if you can be with one person your whole life?
I dont know, I kind of feel like all these questions should of surfaced before you married her.
yes, you cant just walk out the door when you argue with your spouse once you're married, you have to face the issues and work on things... well, that's what marriage is, surely you understood part of what marriage was about when you asked her to be your wife?

sounds like you are scared of a long-lasting intimate commitment

This is where I stopped reading.


Just what part of "till death do us part" doesn't feel good to you? If you have problems with that concept, just why the **** did you get married?

Almost exactly what I was going to post, only I kept reading. You know, like rubbernecking a car crash.

Edit: lots of "I", "she", "my, "her, less "we"... bad sign!

Almost exactly what I was going to post, only I kept reading. You know, like rubbernecking a car crash.

Sorry, I had to reach for the trash can to hurl. The right wing 'sanctity of marriage' right. ;)

I'll give you the first two. Not so much God tho', but society. To divorce is a public push of the "Fail" button.

And what is a sex change? Save your outrage for someone who cares.

If you are still interested in saving your marriage, try couples counseling.

And what is a sex change? Save your outrage for someone who cares.

Did you really need to go there, or were you just trying to humiliate me publicly? You failed again.

I feel sorry for you that you chose to make that an issue. So, so sorry.

You guys are taking this too seriously. You can't tell me you've never played "what if" in your mind without acting on it.

I understand marriage is a commitment and all of that. There's a lot of societal pressure for people to commit and I'm just questioning whether that should be the case. I don't expect it to change any time soon.

We have a chance to grow apart or grow together. Sometimes I get the feeling that growing apart is more likely. I'm trying to grow together. Sorry if my post led you to believe otherwise. All I'm saying is that if someone stops you from living the life you want to live, why stay with that person? Nobody is stopping me yet, but I get that feeling that she might try.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh aren't you the clever one?!?!? You pwn3d at teh internetz. Clever you. :)

You guys are taking this too seriously. You can't tell me you've never played "what if" in your mind without acting on it.

I understand marriage is a commitment and all of that. There's a lot of societal pressure for people to commit and I'm just questioning whether that should be the case. I don't expect it to change any time soon.

We have a chance to grow apart or grow together. Sometimes I get the feeling that growing apart is more likely. I'm trying to grow together. Sorry if my post led you to believe otherwise. All I'm saying is that if someone stops you from living the life you want to live, why stay with that person? Nobody is stopping me yet, but I get that feeling that she might try.


If you married her, then that is where you focus your life. Sometimes in can seem like a burden, definitely.
But when you stand up and take those vows, you are dedicating yourself to her. End of story. End of your life...its now a plural life with both of you working together for a common goal (whatever the heck that turns out to be).

I think you should bring a third partner into the relationship who can bridge the growing gap between you and your wife. Preferably, someone really hot.

I understand marriage is a commitment and all of that.

No unfortunately you you don't, either that or you don't understand the definition of commitment. Spare the drama, your problem is simple. You aren't the slight bit interested in committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life. (IOW, being married.)

Get a divorce and do your wife a favor so she can go find someone that truly understands what commitment is really about.

But when you stand up and take those vows, you are dedicating yourself to her. End of story. End of your life...its now a plural life with both of you working together for a common goal (whatever the heck that turns out to be).

Hey, I'm not dead yet. ;)

I agree about working together for a common goal. I don't think that means that all personal goals go out the window, though. How could we have goals in common if we didn't have goals of our own?

No unfortunately you you don't, either that or you don't understand the definition of commitment. Spare the drama, your problem is simple. You aren't in the slight bit interested in committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life. (IOW, being married.)

Get a divorce and do your wife a favor so she can go find someone that truly understands what commitment is really about.

Quick to judge, aren't you?

To divorce is a public push of the "Fail" button.

Wow. That's just awesome.
I'd send this statement to my ex, but that would mean breaking my vow to never communicate with her again, and that's a vow I fully intend to keep.

You need to decide what is more important, your relationship or your career. From what I am reading it seems like your career is more important, which many(including myself) would say is unfair to your wife.

Hey, I'm not dead yet. ;)

I agree about working together for a common goal. I don't think that means that all personal goals go out the window, though. How could we have goals in common if we didn't have goals of our own?

Is something I struggle with every F'ing day of my life. And this is after 18 yrs of marriage. But I'm dedicated to making it work, and when it does work it is very nice...other times, well, I ride the hell out of my poor bikes.

So I've been married a few months now. When we got married <snip>





A little late for the soul searching.

You need to decide what is more important, your relationship or your career. From what I am reading it seems like your career is more important, which many(including myself) would say is unfair to your wife.

But she wants to stay here for her career. Everyone seems quick to say that I should bow down but nobody wants to be the sexist and say she should support her master. ;)

Anyway, career isn't the only reason we're in conflict over this. She wants to stay close to family. I'm fine getting away from it. The area where I want to move is about 1000% better for outdoor activities, especially cycling. She doesn't really care about all of that. We'd both like to get away from cold weather, so I have that going for me, which is nice.

But she wants to stay here for her career. Everyone seems quick to say that I should bow down but nobody wants to be the sexist and say she should support her master. ;)


Are you trolling or something?

Quick to judge, aren't you?

Not really. It took forever to read that wordy post you made.

I was going to write something constructive but stopped here:


And what is a sex change? Save your outrage for someone who cares.

Good luck with your life, you're going to need it. I'd start putting some money in cash so when she leaves you you'll have a little money to spend on food after the court's done.

I was going to write something constructive but stopped here:





agreed.
Im out.

Do it. Life is short. Go to www.legalzoom.com for divorce papers - $300.

Do it. Life is short. Go to www.legalzoom.com for divorce papers - $300.

And after taking that bit of lousy legal advice, go here http://www.drugstore.com/ for Vaseline. You'll need it before her lawyer gets done with you.

Wow. That's just awesome.
I'd send this statement to my ex, but that would mean breaking my vow to never communicate with her again, and that's a vow I fully intend to keep.

It's exactly how I felt too.

Yeah, we had issues to resolve. What couple doesn't? I said "I do" and I meant it for life. She had other definitions I guess.

And after taking that bit of lousy legal advice, go here http://www.drugstore.com/ for Vaseline. You'll need it before her lawyer gets done with you.

http://www.frolicssuperstore.com/ProductImages/bodyaction/analglide-extra.jpg

FTW!

But she wants to stay here for her career. Everyone seems quick to say that I should bow down but nobody wants to be the sexist and say she should support her master. ;)

Anyway, career isn't the only reason we're in conflict over this. She wants to stay close to family. I'm fine getting away from it. The area where I want to move is about 1000% better for outdoor activities, especially cycling. She doesn't really care about all of that. We'd both like to get away from cold weather, so I have that going for me, which is nice.


I didn't say you should bow down, but I think you should take a good look at your priorities. For some people, making their life work with a partner is a priority. For others, making life work for themselves is. It's clear that you two are heading in different directions as far as your interests go and before you go saying things like "Now I'm to the point where I really don't care. I'm not living here forever and that's that. If we get divorced over it, so be it", try and come up with a compromising solution. At least tell her how you feel and see where that road leads.

And after taking that bit of lousy legal advice, go here http://www.drugstore.com/ for Vaseline. You'll need it before her lawyer gets done with you.

What lawyer? That's the point of legalzoom - handle your own legal affairs. I got mine and all it cost was $300 plus some postage. Get out of your box and think man.

What lawyer? That's the point of legalzoom - handle your own legal affairs. I got mine and all it cost was $300 plus some postage. Get out of your box and think man.

And as long as everything is nice and agreed, that works fine. If it's not, you better lawyer up.

agreed.
Im out.

Me too. Life's too short for such snarkiness.

And as long as everything is nice and agreed, that works fine. If it's not, you better lawyer up.

You're right. That's why you need to explain to your spouse that it's better for both of you to not have lawyers. Intead of each spending $10,000+ on lawyers, why not just give her the $20,000? I ended up giving my ex probably 75% of our net worth. I want her to be comfortable and what the hell, it's only money. I'll make more.

The only reason there are greedy lawyers is because there are greedy clients.

But wouldn't you be upset if you or your spouse used the term "till death do us part" as a crutch to drastically change or make life miserable? I'm not saying (or not saying) that that's what happened to the OP, just saying.

Just another reason to KNOW what (and who) you're getting into BEFORE getting married.

...Just another reason to KNOW what (and who) you're getting into BEFORE getting married.

Right, but people do change.

It does sound as if you have "buyers remorse" if you will. Yes, yes - I know it's not the same, but you get my point. Can I ask you this .... whose idea was it to get married? From your post, it doesn't sound as if it was your idea. Or if it was, it doesn't sound like you really though it through enough. Regardless, you are where you are now. You can either find a way to make it work, or you can find a way to end it. I'd try option #1 first.

Good luck! :)

... Brad

What lawyer? That's the point of legalzoom - handle your own legal affairs. I got mine and all it cost was $300 plus some postage. Get out of your box and think man.

Another possible option is an employee's legal group. I belong to ARAG through my employer. It costs me $7/month, and the only legal fees I pay are court costs or state paperwork filing fees. I saw my lawyer 4 times to consult on drawing up my "public fail button" papers :rolleyes: and the only money I shelled out was the $200 Washington state filing fee.
Same lawyer will handle living wills and all the other associated financial paperworks when the girl and I get married next year. My legal group is well worth the $84/year membership.

Right, but people do change.

Agreed. And some or even a good deal of change is something that each person should at least prepare for or be willing to accept.

Right, but people do change.

Exactly. I'm not sure why people don't seem to understand that.

To everyone else-

Internet overreaction is great. I'm not saying I'm ready to get divorced. What I want us to do is to move and be happy. What I'm saying is that, if I go through the whole 1 1/2 year process and finally get the career I want and then she gets mad and "won't let me" take the offer, that will be a major problem. We do talk about this and it always goes in circles. "You agreed to 3 years," "I can't work crappy jobs for 2 more years," blah blah blah.

I'm willing to admit that I made a mistake. I underestimated how much having a crappy job would bring me down. I don't care about being poor. I've been poor all my life. The problem is that my job requires me to work long, unpredictible hours. That bugs me to no end because I value time more than money, yet this job leaves me with little of both. I've looked for other jobs, but I'm either overqualified or underexperienced for the ones that would put me in a better situation. I've been applying for jobs ever since I started this one (I took it thinking it would be temporary) and I haven't been offered a better one yet. Again, I'm willing to admit that I made a mistake here. I made the wrong career choice way back when and spent a lot of wasted years in college. But that's done with and I'm ready to turn things around.

I don't want to stay in a dead end for long. My wife works in a field where she could get a job in pretty much any city in the country. There really isn't any reason why I shouldn't be applying for this job right now. The application process is very slow and we'll have plenty of time to prepare for everything. If marriage is such a great partnership like all of you are saying, then I think fortune should smile on me a little bit here and we should be able to move a year early.

As far as lawyers go, she makes a lot more money than me, so I'm not worried about that. ;)

Exactly. I'm not sure why people don't seem to understand that.

Most of society regards marriage as sacred and absolute. And I think some of the responses to your OP are proof of that. You've got to do what's best for you.

Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. The church ritual, laws, W-2 forms, and almost any explanation of the word make very specific mention of this. I'm sure that you taught of the idea of spending your life with her, but the way you describe it, you don't seem to care much.

Maybe you guys aren't compatible and didn't realize it or never discussed it up until now? Maybe you never knew enough about each other to realize that you would come to this point? I would doubt that since you two lived together for a while, but (in my unmarried opinion) I don't think a couple starts seeing their differences right as soon as the wedding ceremony is over and the honeymoon in done with...

Did you try spending time away from her before you decided that she was "the one?" I had to do this a couple of times with a girl that I was in a very intimate and emotional relationship with for several years. I'm still single and considering, but at least I know that I'm exercising my options before shutting them out...

If I had to guess at anything, I would guess that the majority of divorces that are filed in the United States (which are a lot of them) are due to incompatibilities and running out of things to talk about...

And after taking that bit of lousy legal advice, go here http://www.drugstore.com/ for Vaseline. You'll need it before her lawyer gets done with you.

BEST POST EVER

As far as lawyers go, she makes a lot more money than me, so I'm not worried about that. ;)

Good luck with that line of thought. Have you every been in court? It doesn't matter how much or little you make, if she has good lawyer they will go for the throat and you will be bankrupt before all said and done. It has happened.

Quick to judge, aren't you?

What you wrote in the OP makes it easy to judge, just a FYI. Marriage is an on going job/project for lack of a better term. It needs to be worked on, nurtured, and fed. It gets easier down the road, atleast it has for me. But at times it seems like a struggle. Comprimise is a must, from both people. Communication is a must. Sounds to me like you need to talk to her about this stuff. Open up, let her know how you feel. However from what you wrote in the Op it seems to me like you dont like to be committed to anything when you look at it as "the long haul". Job, work, home, you seem to always have a plan for an out as you said. Perhaps a better way would be to think about what would be better for your family. The family you became when you said "I Do".