Jokes & Humor - Bar jokes

This guy runs into a bar and says to the bartender "QUICK gimmie a beer before the trouble starts"

The bartender, being throughly confused, hands over a beer.

The man downs it in 2 gulps, and says "HURRY GIVE ME ANOTHER BEFORE THE TROUBLE STARTS!!!!"

Again, the bartender hands him a beer.

This happens again and again, until the guy has drunk 10 beers. Now the bartender is wondering when the guy is gonna pay up, and asks "hey buddy... your gonna have to pay me before i give you another beer"

The guy responds "aw ****, the trouble has just started"

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.

The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.

At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."

Guy gets up to leave his regular bar. The bartender asks him why he's leaving so early.

"I got to take it easy tonight. Last night was really bad. I left here at 2 in the morning, went home and blew chunks."

The bartender replies, "that's no big deal. That happens all the time!"

"You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

Guy gets up to leave his regular bar. The bartender asks him why he's leaving so early.

"I got to take it easy tonight. Last night was really bad. I left here at 2 in the morning, went home and blew chunks."

The bartender replies, "that's no big deal. That happens all the time!"

"You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."



:eek: -?







(EPIC) FAIL!


:roflmao: :beer:

A baby seal walks into a club.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Guy gets up to leave his regular bar. The bartender asks him why he's leaving so early.

"I got to take it easy tonight. Last night was really bad. I left here at 2 in the morning, went home and blew chunks."

The bartender replies, "that's no big deal. That happens all the time!"

"You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."




hey btw.. I told this to a friend of mine last night at work... And he was like; :eek: ?! ''Ahhhh!!.. IS THAT A TRUE STORY??'' .. :lol: :beer:

What the heck does "(epic) fail" mean?

What the heck does "(epic) fail" mean?



^^ Define: 'mean'





(..and brillig pls, quit obfuscating)



k thx. bai. :beer:

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Better:

Celine Dion walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Better:

Celine Dion walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

I heard that with Ric Ocasek but I guess it needs updating.

What the heck does "(epic) fail" mean?

Imagine getting caught looking at porn....fail.

Imagine getting caught looking at cartoon porn, of loony toons characters.....epic fail.

To fail is to post when one should have lurked moar. To lurk moar implies one would have to lurk, but if one does not lurk, how can they lurk moar? This pretty much means the person hasn't lurked at all, and knows about as much about mudkipz as Tom Green knows about Barrel Rolls.

If this still made no sense, it just means you haven't experienced the right online communities yet.

Imagine getting caught looking at porn....fail.

Imagine getting caught looking at cartoon porn, of loony toons characters.....epic fail.

To fail is to post when one should have lurked moar. To lurk moar implies one would have to lurk, but if one does not lurk, how can they lurk moar? This pretty much means the person hasn't lurked at all, and knows about as much about mudkipz as Tom Green knows about Barrel Rolls.

If this still made no sense, it just means you haven't experienced the right online communities yet.

So was the epic fail referring to me and my posting? Or to the dude in the joke who blew his dog?

So was the epic fail referring to me and my posting? Or to the dude in the joke who blew his dog?




I didn't even consider that.. I think I was too busy wondering whether or not he'd feel compelled to have his dog put down the following day. Can you imagine?.. every day having to see your dog and 'knowing' that it knows what you did - even though it can't share with anyone else what really happened - it still knows. That dog isn't going to look at you the same way ever again and you're never going to be able to look that dog either - w/out grimacing to your core. How would you be able to put such a thing behind you?

Do you think he took it out into the middle of no where and set it ''free'' -- and hoped for the best that it wouldn't find it's way back? Or do you think he just shot it -- to be 'certain' that he wouldn't have to encounter it again. Seriously man.. what would you do? :D -?



**btw, when I was telling this story to my co-worker - I chose the second option -- I shot the dog and buried it.. and yeah, he believed me too! I can't believe he would really believe I'd actually do such a thing :eek: ! :D -?? ..I only likes the *****es man -- I'm not into teh 'gay' canine secks.. no.

on_topic:

King Termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where is the bartender?"

Keep on posting MORE Bar Jokes!

Cheers!

:D

Bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a rum............and Coke"

Bartender: "Why the big pause"

Bear: *holding up paws* "I'm a ****ing bear"

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Sorry guys, we don't serve breakfast here."


A skeleton walks into a bar, and says "Gimme a beer, and a mop."



A tramp runs into a bar and, before even catching his breath, says "Gimme a cocktail stick!".

The bartender gives him a strange look, but hands over a coktail stick anyway, and the tramps legs it back outside.

A few seconds later, another tramps comes running in. "Gimme a cocktail stick, gimme a cocktail stick!!".
The barman again gives the guy a purplexled look, but hands it over again.

And then moments later, a third hobo runs in. "Cocktail stick!! Can I have a cocktail stick please!!"

Now the bartender is loosing his patience, and holds a cocktail stick out in front of the tramp's face, and demands to know why he wants it.

The tramp simply replies "Gimme the cocktail stick! GIMME!!!

Sighing, the bartender hands it over.

Five minutes later he thinks that perhaps it's over, and he'll never find out what was going on. Then another 5 minutes pass, and a fourth tramps runs in.

"Want a cocktail stick do you?" asks the barman.

"Nope" he replies, "Wanna straw."

Determined to not let this chance to pass him by, the barman demands, "Why the f**k do you want a straw?"

"Well, someone's been sick outside, and all the big bits are gone"

A piece of string walks into a bar. The barman says, "hey, get out! We don't serve string in here"

So the string goes back outside, and performs upon himself, a half hitch, then turns around and goes back in.

"Are you that bit of string I just threw out of here?" shouts the barman, and the string replies,

"No, I'm a fraid knot"

__
A rabbit goes into a bar and says,
"Got any carrots?"
"Sorry little guy" says the barman, "we don't have any carrots". So the rabbit leaves.
The next day, the rabbit comes in again, and says,
"Got any carrots?"
The barman replies, "No, I told you yesterday, we don't have any carrots". So off he goes again.
The next day the rabbit walks in again, and says,
"Got any carrots?"
The barman, goes red in the face, and shouts,
"No, we don't have any f**king carrots, no p*ss off! And if you come back in here asking for carrots, I'm gonna nail your stupid ears to this bar". So the rabbit leaves.
The next day, the rabbit comes in and says,
"Got any nails?"
"No, we haven't got any nails" to which the rabbit replies,
"Got any carrots?"

A rabbit goes into a bar and looks at the menu. "Any recommendations?" he asks the bar maid.
She glances round at the menu, and then says, "Yeah, I really like the toasties here"
"Okay then, I'll have a toasty. Hmm, I see you have all kinds of fillings... I think I'll have a ham and ketchup toasty please"
"Okay, coming up".
She comes back with the toasty, and the rabbit gobbles it down.
"That was really good. I think I'll have another. This time, I'll have a tuna toasty please"
"Sure thing", and the barmaid fetches him a tuna toasty. He gobbles that down too.
"Okay, maybe just one more" says the rabbit, "I think this time I'll have a cheese and tomato toasty".
"Okie dokey" and she brings it out.
The rabbit eats this last one, pays the bill and then leaves.
The next day, the bar maid is cleaning the tables, when in comes the rabbit, and he's a ghost.
"What happened?" she says
"Well, I dies"
Yes, I can see that. What of?"
And the rabbit replies,
"Mixing my toasties"



Sorry for the multiple posts, I'm having issues loading the threads today, so it was easier to let them psot while I typed the next one :)

A rabbit goes into a bar and says,
"Got any carrots?"

:lol:

That's hilarious.

No clue what the toastie one is supposed to mean though.

No clue what the toastie one is supposed to mean though.

*HINT* (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis)

:)

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender takes one look at the three clerics and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "get you a drink?" and Descartes says, "I think not."

And ceases to exist.

*HINT* (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis)

:)

OK, I get that. But what are toasties?

Eric

Toasted sandwiches are also known by various names. They are frequently called toasties in Britain, brevilles or jaffles in Australia (also brevilles in South Africa). Jaffles are so named after the original jaffle iron (U.S. English: "pie iron"), a long-handled hinged iron implement for toasting sandwiches in a campfire. Sandwich toasters are less common in the United States where grilled cheese sandwiches are more popular.

Toasted sandwiches are also known by various names. They are frequently called toasties in Britain, brevilles or jaffles in Australia (also brevilles in South Africa). Jaffles are so named after the original jaffle iron (U.S. English: "pie iron"), a long-handled hinged iron implement for toasting sandwiches in a campfire. Sandwich toasters are less common in the United States where grilled cheese sandwiches are more popular.

I remember having a sandwich toaster when I was a kid...so much fun. My mum would let me make my own lunch that way. :D

Toasted sandwiches are also known by various names. They are frequently called toasties in Britain, brevilles or jaffles in Australia (also brevilles in South Africa). Jaffles are so named after the original jaffle iron (U.S. English: "pie iron"), a long-handled hinged iron implement for toasting sandwiches in a campfire. Sandwich toasters are less common in the United States where grilled cheese sandwiches are more popular.

They are becoming more popular, although they are often called by the Italian name 'pannini'. (Actually, in Italian a pannino is any sandwich.)

I remember having a sandwich toaster when I was a kid...so much fun. My mum would let me make my own lunch that way. :D

OK, I remember something like that when I was a kid in the 40's. It was round and closed like a clamshell with long handles. I think we just held it over a range burner. We used to put peanut butter or cheese inside.

Eric

OK, I remember something like that when I was a kid in the 40's. It was round and closed like a clamshell with long handles. I think we just held it over a range burner. We used to put peanut butter or cheese inside.

Eric

I've seen these sold in outdoor supply stores for campfire cooking.

Talk about thread drift! Time to resurrect this one.

Senior citizen with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. Barkeep asks "Where'd you get that?" Parrot replies "Florida, they're everywhere."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

...brevilles or jaffles in Australia...

I'm Australian and I've never heard of "brevilles" or "jaffles".....

Sure you're paying your sources enough?? ;)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks him for his order.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the Ostrich, "What's Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will Be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the Exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the Same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact Change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again ... "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and A salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on The table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A guy comes running into a bar asking for 8 shots of Jack D.

Bartender asks “So fellow, what are we celebrating here?”
The guy: “my first *******!!”
Bartender: “ouw, wow. Then what the hell, ill give you another one on the house”
The guy: “Nah, its fine. If the first 8 shots don’t take away the taste of dick and sperm, I don’t think the ninth will”

---

A secretary walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why you got a tampon behind your ear?!?”
Secretary: “Dammit! Then where is my pen”

---

Paris Hilton walks into a bar….and nothing happens.

---

A man walks into a bar and sees a homeless guy with a dog with only 1 leg.

“Ouw…Poor dog you have. What is it named?”
“It ain’t got a name…”
“Why not?”
“Doesn’t matter, it aint coming when im calling anyway…”

What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it out for a drag.

What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it out for a drag.

...to a bar?

So this bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender: "We don't serve bears here"
Bear: "Look you better serve me a beer or i'll eat that blonde woman sitting in the corner over there"
Bartender: "Sorry we don't serve bears here"

Angry now the bear gets up grabs the blonde and eats her

Bear: "Now will you give me a beer?"
Bartender: "Sorry we don't serve bears or drug users here"
Bear: "WHAT? I'm not a drug user!"
Bartender: "Of course you are that was just a bar*****uate"

., hahaha funny love it so much!!! more please!1:thumb:

I'm Australian and I've never heard of "brevilles" or "jaffles".....

Sure you're paying your sources enough?? ;)

He's right about Jaffles in South Africa. I ate enough of them while I was there. Never heard of brevilles though.

I'm Australian and I've never heard of "brevilles" or "jaffles".....

Sure you're paying your sources enough?? ;)

We here in OZ welcome all new Australians to our open and diverse cultural society
here we also call Tomato sauce "dead horse"
and drive on the left hand side of the road

If you havent heard those phrases yet go back to the Ukraine pinko