ZERO GRAVITY


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion
developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any
surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing
to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them

HAHAHAHA

Farmer Ed was sitting by his farm one day when up drove a snazzy-suited young man in his new convertible BMW. Says he to Ed: "I'll make a deal with you - if i can guess exactly how many sheep you've got there in your paddock, I get to take one of them." Bemused, Ed agrees.

The young man whips out his laptop, hooks it up to his mobile phone, connects to the satellite imaging system, prints out a 30-page report on his portable laserjet, and produly declares "you have exactly 211 sheep." "Wow" says Ed, "that's exactly right" and the young man and proceeds to help himself to the closest sheep.

Farmer Ed strikes up another deal with the young man "If I can guess what you do for a living - i get back what i just lost to you. Deal?" The young man is unperturbed - "Deal!" "you're a stockbroker!" Ed blurts. The young man is astonished - "that's right but how'd you guess?" "because you come in here uninvited, tell me something that i already know, charge me for useless advice, and have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. now give me back my dog!!!"

Excitied about his first win, the young hotshot lawyer sends his partners a message on his mobile phone: "justice prevailed".

The reply was instantaneous: "Appeal immediately!"

is it bad to tell "irish" jokes?

An unfortunate accident befalls Paddy, and his 2 friends are asked to attend the morgue to identify the body. Pete goes first, looking the body over - "ooo... yeah that looks like 'im. Turn him over." The mortician turns the body over and Pete breathes a sigh of relief. "no that ain't him." Puzzled, the mortician calls in the second friend, who looks the body over thoroughly - "hmmm, sure looks like him. Turn him over." and the body is turned face down again - "whew. nah, that's not him."

The mortician can't contain his curiosity: "why'd you 2 tell me to turn him over and then say it's not Paddy?" "That's 'cos Paddy had 2 @rseholes." "what? 2 @rseholes!!?!" "yup!" says Pete. "every time we'd walk into town, all the people would say - look, here comes Paddy with them 2 @rseholes!"

yup. i'm bored.

working late one night, the young hotshot lawyer spots the executive vp standing in front of the shredder with a document in his hand, looking anxious: "can you help me? It's urgent - my secretary's gone for the day and i can't get this thing to work!" Eager to impress, the young man says "sure" and begins shredding the document.

The vp breathes a sigh of relief and exclaims, "Thanks! you're a lifesaver. I'll need 2 copies."

^ Nice

Texans in the "After Life"

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over theplace. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

:roflmao:

Telling Lies

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on
the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing
who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your
age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

Did you know that there are only three types of people in the world?
Those that can count and those that can't.

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"


:rolleyes:

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Two cows were grazing in the field.
Cow 1: Are you worried about mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Not at all.
Cow 1: Why not? It's terrible.
Cow 2: I'm a duck.

Why can't witches have children?.............
because their husbands have holloweenies!

What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
................a doberman

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.

"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."

When a bashful student showed up after gym for the mandatory shower still wearing his gym shorts, the coach stopped him and asked, "Do you shower with shorts on at home?"

"No," the boy replied, "but I don't shower with ten naked men at home, either."

When the paramedics and police responded to a 911 call, they helped a man regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

That is hilarious!!I.E the Texans joke.

During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.

The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "Never mind that ...who was 'HE?' "

A man goes up to the bartender and goes
"hey bartender i bet your 1000$ that if you put a shot galss at the end of the bar i will go on the bar and pee in to the glass not missing a drop." the bartender is like fine. the guy gets on to the bar pulls down his pants and pees all over the place! all over the walls the poeple everything.
the bartender says "what are you doing your just lost 1000 bucks!"
the guy responds "Yah and I also bet the table over there 2000 dollars that i could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt throw me out"

hehe i love that one.

Singled Out

Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A: They're all married.

A Redneck Retaliation

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.

The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

nice, where did you get that one?

Subject: LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL


A private school in Washington recently was faced with a
unique problem........A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on
in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put
on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them
and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to
be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom
and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean
the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show
the girls how much effort was required. He took out
a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY? There are teachers, and
then there are Educators.

haha

hehe..

That lipstick joke is great!!!

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and
78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

that joke was ok not as good as the lip stick one. :roflmao:

Things to Do When Your Coworkers are on Vacation:

#2

#3

#4

#5

what's black and white, and eats like a horse?











a zebra

Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome late one afternoon. It starts getting dark and one of the nuns gets a little nervous. She leans over to the other nun and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."

? i hate to not understand and have someone explain it. :o

INVESTMENT TIPS FOR 2005


For all of you with any money left in the wake
of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the
Sears/K-Mart wedding, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you
can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these
consolidations in the near future:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.
R.Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner, Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
KnottNOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new
name:Titty Titty Bang Bang

Why did the little girl fall off the swing set?

















Because she had no arms.

INVESTMENT TIPS FOR 2005


For all of you with any money left in the wake
of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the
Sears/K-Mart wedding, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you
can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these
consolidations in the near future:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.
R.Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner, Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
KnottNOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new
name:Titty Titty Bang Bang


:lol: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :lol:

Oh my gosh! Thank you so much cipher! One of my housemates has been gone a lot lately, and I've been dying to think of a good prank. He happens to be gone right now and I know where to get a big stack of newpaper... :D

Why is one side of the 'V' of geese in flight always longer than the other?


'Cause there are more birds on that side.




(Blue-ribbon winner, Worst Joke Contest 2004)

Two pirates met each other on the street.

One says to the other, "Arrrrr! Dems nice earrings, Matey! What were the cost?"

"Avast!" The other replies, "Two whole dollar!!"

"Aaaaa.... Mmmmm... Pretty good for a buccaneer!"

What are you qualifications to judge pie at this contest asked the Mayor?

Aaarrrr, I'm a pirate!

This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says...
Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!

What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
8 Pirates!

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"


Hung Chow calls into work and says,"Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt,I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house!"

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"


Hung Chow calls into work and says,"Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt,I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house!"


HAHA that was good...

Two pirates met each other on the street.

One says to the other, "Arrrrr! Dems nice earrings, Matey! What were the cost?"

"Avast!" The other replies, "Two whole dollar!!"

"Aaaaa.... Mmmmm... Pretty good for a buccaneer!"

That didnt make any sense.

What are you qualifications to judge pie at this contest asked the Mayor?

Aaarrrr, I'm a pirate!

IS there something im missing?

arrgghh..

(It's a gif...click on it and let it run.)