Jokes & Humor - Jokes Thread

Who will you trust your credit card to?

That didnt make any sense.

IS there something im missing?

It isn't worth explaining.... but anyway

Pirate = Pie rate = Pie judge.

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

:lol: ........ :o ........

Hey Hi565



Two pirates met each other on the street.

One says to the other, "Arrrrr! Dems nice earrings, Matey! What were the cost?"

"Avast!" The other replies, "Two whole dollar!!"

"Aaaaa.... Mmmmm... Pretty good for a buccaneer!"



Two ears.....two dollars.....a buck an ear!!!!


Dooh!

The Kern County, California, Sheriff's Department orders plain white patrol
units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case: What they
ordered... was not quite what they got.

This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics
company employee did on the passenger side of the car.
The employee did this on his last day working for the graphics company
before he retired!

That is legendary, if that pig ever comes near my donuts, I will hurt him... oink oink oink

Hey Hi565






Two ears.....two dollars.....a buck an ear!!!!


Dooh!


aaa got it. :)

an old lady goes into an adult shop and says to the assistant
"ddddo yyyou hhhhavve vvvibbbrratorsss ttthhiissss lllonng and ttthhis wwwide?"
the assistant says "yes" then the old lady says
"hhhowww ddddo yyyyouu ttturn tttthem ooofff"

haha. that was acceptable. ;)

Ole took Lena home with him and took off his shirt.

Lena says, "Ole dat's some chest you have dare.
Ole says, "Lena, dat's a hunnert pounds of dynamite."

Next he took off his pants.

Lena says, " Ole dat's nice calves you have dare."
Ole says, "Lena dat's a hunnert pounds of dynamite."

Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Lena screamed and
ran out the door. Ole put his clothes back on and ran after her. Catching her

Ole said, "Lena, viy did you run out like dat?"
Lena said, "Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven
I saw how short da fuse vas!" ;)

Good Catholics

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. "" I have been with a loose woman.""

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now.

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must
atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you
now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads" :D

didnt you already post that?

Cipher needs to move to the the Over 50 Forum....

Actually, you post some funny stuff, Cipher. Thanks!

The other day I...no, that was someone else. Steve Wright

This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics
company employee did on the passenger side of the car.
The employee did this on his last day working for the graphics company
before he retired!

Looks like Photoshop to me....

That's not the last we have heard of Hung Chow.

Because he suffered from irregularity, he took an herbal laxative and it changed his name.

Whenever he leaves a Port-a-Potty at the fair, people ask, "Is that Hoo Flung Dung?"

Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to Sven, "You know, we
could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico. They don't have it there."

Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy
everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble below.Slowly,more
and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished,
there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a
demonstration. So Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but
when he comes back up Ole notices that he has a few cuts and
scratches. Unfortunately, Ole isn't able to catch him, and he falls
again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes
back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious. Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, What
happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Sven gasps, "No, the
Bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd...What the heck is a piñata?"

dude i thin you need to go to the 50+ forum, your losing it!

jk

that was ok, the lipstick in school one was awsome.

Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about
bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising
people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees
you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas
station in a remote area. It said:

"Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, PLEASE don't come in here!"

Looks like Photoshop to me....

And to me as well. Still made me laugh though!

:D

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?

A test for Monday morning...

http://risingstarkaraoke.com.hosting.domaindirect.com/monday_test.html

[QUOTE=hi565]dude i thin you need to go to the 50+ forum, your losing it!QUOTE]

Hmmm. Looks like hi565 belongs in the 50+ forum too! (see post 165).

I dont get it :D

I dont get it :D


Why aren't you in school today??

:eek:

Its a wed.

does your school have short days?

I walk home, get home within 10 min

Your Score: 11 out of 11
Your Rating: Only 3 people have ever scored this high

Hahaha!

I got 10/11... Moses tripped me up. Som bit..!

Your Score: 11 out of 11
Your Rating: Only 3 people have ever scored this high



I love the 4th july one

I got 10/11... Moses tripped me up. Som bit..!

Everyone knows Moses invented extreme river kayaking soon after he was born.

Your Score: 11 out of 11
Your Rating: Only 3 people have ever scored this high


Hey....

I was one of three...

You took the test after me and it's still only three...

Should have been 4...

WE'VE BEEN HAD!

The following are actual comments that a physicians patients made (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there."

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest.

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered his response, "Well, I'll be" then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does."

Hear about the guy that took six months to trim his lawn?
He used a nail clipper.
That's all there is.






There isn't any mower.

The real reason dentists have so much money....

Oops...

He is having a REALLY bad day!

He is having a REALLY bad day!

Oh..MsVicki!.....Now you've dug yourself into another hole.....

A test for Monday morning...

http://risingstarkaraoke.com.hosting.domaindirect.com/monday_test.html

That pill question is a sham. The pills would last 90 minutes, each pill has a 30 minute life span. I call BS!!! Not happy.

COFFEE

An Irish woman "of a certain age," visited her doctor to ask his
help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee." "He
won't even taste it." "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
know how things went."

A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to
progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas
horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I?
effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up, with a
twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one
swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me
clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad,
passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor." Do you mean you didn't enjoy
it?"

"Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25
years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

Eww!!

Ironman competition....



:love:

Ironman competition....



:love:

Believe it or not, that's a real sport (sort of)

http://www.extremeironing.com/

Ahem!

I took the quiz and got 10/11.

It says my love life is mediocre lol. I don't have a love life, I don't even have a girlfriend.

wait a minute...*staring at right hand*

:D

I took the quiz and got 10/11.

It says my love life is mediocre lol. I don't have a love life, I don't even have a girlfriend.

wait a minute...*staring at right hand*

:D


:roflmao:


eeeeewwwwwwww :p

Subject: Quantas Airlines



After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe

sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The

mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,

and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never

let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'

pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance

engineers (marked with an M).



By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an

accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

M: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

M: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

M: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

M: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

M: That's what they're for.



P: IFF inoperative.

M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

M: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

M: Cat installed.



And the best one for last...



P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

M: Took hammer away from midget

That was pretty good! Ehh That was HILARIOUS! :lol:

holy crap that was good never expected that ending....like that face on the kid

Thank you Cipher.