Jokes & Humor - Jokes Thread

10 Commandments of Marriage





Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year,
they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before
you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why
wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished

My sis was at drivers ed, and this one person goes up to this dude and shes like hey are you ambidextrous? And He goes: no im baptist. haha

:p

My sis was at drivers ed, and this one person goes up to this dude and shes like hey are you ambidextrous? And He goes: no im baptist. haha

Dude, I "was all" bustin' up on that one!

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________





OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________




SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________




GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________













HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________













LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

















PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________













DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The Ladle

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from
the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian"

The next day, Brian received an email from his mother that read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

LESSON LEARNED: DO NOT LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!

Smart Coach!

Some high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To
save money, they had to room together.
No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored
so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them
stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast
the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl
snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the
morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-
shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He
said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all
night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and
bushy tailed.
"Good morning."
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked
Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and
watched me all night long."

What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of right away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." -- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" -- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." -- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well,
it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)

When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Insurance So Sorry Law)

When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)

Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)

Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of
Wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)

Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)

After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)

Letters That 'Dear Abby' Admitted She Was at a Loss to Answer:

Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.These two women go everywhere together and I've never been a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby: I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby: I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby: I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby: My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby: My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some
of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up
again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, " Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking
his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker
revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he
says, "Hi, my name is Joe, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!!!!!!

Beverage warning: Put it down and swallow before you continue



A robber walks in to a sperm bank right at closing time. Brandishing a gun, he approaches the receptionist and demands that she: "Give him everything!" Confused, she asks the robber if he was aware of just what kind of 'bank' he was in. He replied in the affirmitive and again demanded everything. The receptionist told the man that she just couldn't do that. Waving the gun in her face he suggested that she would if she wanted to draw another breath. The receptionist relented.

She went to the back, got a caddy, opened the refridgerator and filled the caddy with a dozen vials.

Upon her return to the front the gunman demanded that she drink the contents of a vial. To which she flatly refused. Again the gunman waved the gun in her face ans again suggested that she will if she wanted to draw another breath. At that point the receptionist picked up a vial, took the cap off, examined the contents and in one gulp drained the vial.

The gunman smiled, lay his gun on the counter, removed his ski mask and said....












See honey, it wasn't THAT bad, now was it?

Raisin Bread



A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.



"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.



The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin ! bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.



As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.



Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.



After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glari! ng at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.



Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"



"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

In the year 1981,

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope John Paul II was shot.

In the year 2005,

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me - and we
all could use more calm in our lives.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things started and hadn't finished; and,
before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package
of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest
of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin' good I feel!
Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 tim es, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

Three sailors were adrift in a boat.
They only had four cigarettes and no matches.
So they threw one cigarette over board
and made the boat a cigarette lighter.

I left my watch upstairs.

Call it. Maybe it will run down.

It can't. We have a winding staircase.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered
in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the
eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

Then the proctologist fainted.

- :roflmao: - :roflmao: - :roflmao: -

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging
two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and
$20 bills were flying out of it.

A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're
losing a lot of bills from that bag."

"Damn!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go
back and pick them up."

"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did
you steal it?"

"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium
parking lot and, during tailgate parties, lots of guys
use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a
bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one
sticks his thing out, I fire up the trimmer and say:
'$20 or off it comes!'"

"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the
other bag?"

"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay
up!"

YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE TELLS IT ALL

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says,
"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

If you're from New Orleans -- I apologize in advance.

40 New Orleaners showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and checked the list. He replied, "only 10 of you can come in".

The NO'ers restlessly grumbled stating that they had all suffered greatly following the Hurricane and felt that their sins should be forgiven. St. Peter agreed and told them to wait there while he asked God for an exception due to the great pain and suffering that they had endured.

God agreed and sent Peter away. He was surprised to see him hurriedly returning without the NO'ers. Peter ran up to God and exclaimed, "they're gone, they're gone!".

God replied, "the NO'ers?".

"No," said St. Peter, "the Pearly Gates!".

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a186/MsVicki/stt060421.jpg

I went into the new Supermarket near our house which has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear thesound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing andwitness the scent of fresh butter fat. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the airis filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying. So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle...

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________





Actually, married men don't live longer than single men--it just seems like we do.

http://biffsimpson.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/.pond/tp_letter.jpg.w300h2963.jpg

A Love Story
I will seek and find you . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love, signed: The Flu.


Now, quit thinking about sex and go get your flu shot!

The blonde indignantly told her doctor that such personal remarks are out of place after he informed her that the very tight jeans she was wearing gave her acute folliculitis.

New Boss If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

This is a reply to Tough love Grandma. Spare the rod and spoil the child . It works every time. My nephew was not spanked except by me and he throws tantrums when he does not get his way. He is a teenager now.I used to be afraid to take him anywhere because his disobeying me on a bike ride could have got him seriously hurt.( not by me ) If his temper cannot be controlled it will cause him problems his whole life. James

flew so far over his head he didn't even hear the wings flapping.

A distinguished old gentleman walks into this high end fur store with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous twenty-something blond in tow. The furrier susses him to be a player and launches into his sales pitch. Eventually the blonde settles on an $18,000 mink coat after trying it on and modelling it, to very appreciative comments from her elderly beau - and even more effusive comments from the furrier.

"OK" says the old fella "wrap it up" and takes out his cheque book. He writes a cheque for the cost of the fur and hands it to the furrier. At this point the furrier thinks " Uh-oh it's Friday the bank is already closed, so I can't deposit the cheque until Monday and I have no idea if this guy's good for the money". Then the old fella says "It's OK, when I said wrap it up I meant you to keep it until Monday so you can clear the cheque".

The furrier is overcome with relief and has a stress-free weekend. So Monday morning as soon as the bank opens he deposits the cheque, which promptly bounces. Later that Monday the old gentleman comes in to the store, whereupon the furrier informs him that he can't have the mink as the cheque had bounced. "Well of course the cheque bounced" the old guy says "There's no money in the account, I just called by to thank you for a fantastic weekend".

That link's from my uni! :D

Same. Cool another SydneySider

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.' Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.

'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere.' Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'

After an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

A small lizard was walking through the forest. He looked up and saw a koala in a tree. He said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing up there?" The Koala responded, "I'm smoking pot. Want to join me?". The lizard like this idea, so he climbed up the tree. After the two had shared a few joints, the lizard was very thirsty and he decided to go to the river for a drink. He climbed down the tree and made his way to the river, but when he leaned over to take a drink he was so stoned that he couldn't balance and he fell into the water. A crocodile noticed the lizard and rescued him to the shore. The crocodile asked what the lizard was doing in the water, and the lizard explained that he had been smoking weed with a koala in a tree. The crocodile was intrigued, and decided to go find the koala. After a bit of searching in the forest, he found the tree. He looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing up there". The koala looked down and said, "****, dude, how much water did you drink?!?!?"

Did you hear the one about the plastic surgeon who performed circumcisions?

He perfected a procedure to use the circumcised foreskins for eyelid transplants.

Only drawback was the recipients ended up cock-eyed.

Did you hear the one about the plastic surgeon who performed circumcisions?

He perfected a procedure to use the circumcised foreskins for eyelid transplants.

Only drawback was the recipients ended up cock-eyed.

Yes but think of the foresight they'd have.

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'

*

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

*

The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.' He fixes it. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'.

*

A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'

After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'

*

What's the difference between a cosmologist and a cosmetologist?

You need a license to be a cosmetologist.

A kid is riding his bike around the block. The first time around he yells to his mom, "Look Ma, no hands!".

The second time around he yells "Look Ma, no feet!"

The third time around he yells "Look Ma, no teeth!"

okay you ready for this!


a baby seal walks into a club hahahah

okay you ready for this!


a baby seal walks into a club hahahah

:innocent:

This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”

The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar.”

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

The Chinese guy went to the eye doctor for an exam. The doctor told him, "you have cataracts." The Chinese guy said, "I no have cataract, I have Rincon Continental."

(To all my Engineer friends).



VERY INSPIRING



I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and Margaritas into urine.

And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!
Now...isn't that inspiring?