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Dear Abby,
I recently read your column on "tough love" for grandparents of misbehaving children, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and attached a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm babysitting. His parents (my son and his wife) have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride and talk to him. He usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our little car ride together.
Signed,
"The Tough Love Grandma"
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-10/846875/ToughLove.jpeg.jpg
Mr. Smashy
10-06-03, 03:45 AM
Rolling On Floor Right Now, hopefully I won't fall asleep.
Toilet Cleaning 101
How To Thoroughly Clean The Toilet
1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds (never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this).
4. Flush the toilet three or four times (this provides a "power-wash" and "rinse").
5. Have someone open the door to the outside (be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door).
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
This tip brought to you by:
The Dog :D
miamijim
10-07-03, 03:23 PM
Can I tell dirty jokes?
How about racialy insensitive jokes?
a2psyklnut
10-08-03, 10:33 PM
Dirty Jokes...YES! Just not TOO dirty!
Racially offensive jokes.....ummm NO! Too much diversity and someone somewhere WILL get offended.
I don't, but others do!
L8R
KleinMp99
10-09-03, 08:19 PM
Dear Abby,
I recently read your column on "tough love" for grandparents of misbehaving children, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and attached a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm babysitting. His parents (my son and his wife) have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride and talk to him. He usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our little car ride together.
Signed,
"The Tough Love Grandma"
The funniest part about that is that the picture is real....... :o
Der vas a Norwegian farmer, Ole from Minnesota, and he vent to Iowa to buy a cow. Ole got to Iowa and bought the nicest looking cow der, and took it home.
Getting ready to milk it, Ole grabbed hold of da teats, pulled, and da cow farted! Ole thought to himself, "Uffda, oh vhat da heck," and he grabbed hold of da teats again, pulled, and da cow farted again!
At this point, in walked his Swedish neighbor, Sven. Eyeing Ole's new cow, Sven asked if he could try milking it, as it sure looked like a good milk cow. Ole replies ya, and Sven grabbed hold, pulled on da cows teats, and da cow farted. Sven looked at ole and said, "Ya buy dis cow from Iowa?"
Ole said, "Ya I did, but I never told ya dat. how'd ya know I bought da cow in Iowa?"
Sven said, " My vife Hilda is from Iowa". :D
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot! :D
darrencope
10-20-03, 05:51 PM
AAh! Didn't even see it coming!
Good one Cipher!
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s**t out of a ghost."
Happy Halloween!
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". :D
bentrox!
10-24-03, 01:43 PM
Krispy Kreme fuel injection...
"Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I.."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I do! n't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now...Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say.":
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"Me lips are sealed Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to left and there was a woman in brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face next to her rear view mirror putting her eyeliner on. I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. I looked away - still working on that makeup! As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car - using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call!
Damn women drivers ! ! ! ;)
Falchoon
11-05-03, 07:56 PM
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He
ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."
"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer. They all climbed into the
car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the
limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass
is almost a foot tall."
A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags, etc., and says to the salesman "can I have the red one?" -- a top of the range Porsche.
" I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.
The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.
She is back 2 days later -- "I want my money back...it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she is not driving it properly'
He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.
120 mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145 mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-forces has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.
100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.
"Can you smell it?" she says.
"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" says Hillary, "I don't know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
Allister
11-11-03, 10:01 PM
How do you know if an auto mechanic has been having sex?
One of his fingers is clean.
Allister
11-11-03, 10:03 PM
What's better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics?
Walking.
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years--when my husband was alive.
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
Xtrmyorick
12-03-03, 11:39 AM
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
Actually happened to my dad. He said "Two big breaths" and the patient said "Why thank you young man"
Oh, by the way, that first picture looks familiar. Are you a Farker by any chance?
cycletourist
12-03-03, 12:00 PM
What has two million legs and still can't walk?
Jerry's kids.
Actually happened to my dad. He said "Two big breaths" and the patient said "Why thank you young man"
Oh, by the way, that first picture looks familiar. Are you a Farker by any chance?
I don't believe so... (What's a Farker anyway?)
Xtrmyorick
12-03-03, 01:25 PM
I don't believe so... (What's a Farker anyway?)
One who regularly reads Fark.com
One who regularly reads Fark.com
I got it now. :D No I'm definitly not a Farker, but apparently I have a few friends (who e-mail me) that are. ;)
A guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking! How's it going?"
Having already downed a few stiff ones, she turns around, faces him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just flat-ass love it!!!"
Eyes now wide with interest, the guy responds, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm you with?" :D
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 60-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife,and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Being Honest,
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 60-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with our 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 18. Don't wait up.
Your Wife
Lady Jane
01-04-04, 09:36 PM
25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question - "Why aren't you married yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiance is awaiting parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll
rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's husband/wife just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a
trial separation.
25. (A reply for single moms) Because having a husband and a child would be
redundant
.
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the
class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral
of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first
volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs
on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of
the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every
weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war;
his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out
before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a
machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese
soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The
blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his
bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly
any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't f##k with uncle Ted when he's been
drinking!"
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
--Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
Butt Surgery A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with long dark hair, long legs, firm breasts, and a tight rear end.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"
Allister
01-06-04, 06:52 PM
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
--Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
In the same vein:
"Getting married for free sex is like buying a jumbo jet for the free peanuts"
-- Jef Foxworthy
In the same vein:
"Getting married for free sex is like buying a jumbo jet for the free peanuts"
-- Jef Foxworthy
How'd I miss that one?!? :D
jeff williams
01-06-04, 07:33 PM
Grandma and grandpa decide for thier 50th to go on a world cruise.
The boat is ocean bound, when grandpa suddenly keels over with a massive heart attack.
Grandma yells "is there a doctor on board?!"
A man comes over and says "yes. i'm a doctor."
Grandma says " Help him, his heart has stopped!"
Man proceeds to pull grandpa's pants off and starts sticking his arm up the elderly mans bum.
Grandma freaks! "What are you doing? I thought you were a doctor?"
Man says " I am a doctor, a proctologist to be exact, and I'm giving this man
heart massage."
This ones kinda an observation or..came to me while dying in the hospital from e-coli poisoning, lying on the bathroom floor, trying to get a "sample" for tests... Had to wait years to launch it.
this concerns the fear of falling down the hole of an outhouse.
so conversation comes around to the fear of...and I said to my friend, "have no fear, If you fall into the outhouse hole, to get out, just find a stool to stand on!"
She laughed soo much, I thought she was going to sick.
If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000. Worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent Deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and Recycle. This is my new retirement program; I call it my 401Keg. :D
jeff williams
01-07-04, 11:18 PM
If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000. Worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent Deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and Recycle. This is my new retirement program; I call it my 401Keg. :D
they'will have ya up on enguzzlement charges.
We all want to do our part in the war on terrorism. Finally, a plan that makes sense on the local level. I know I'll be outside in a lawn-chair on Saturday. We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than is wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, So next Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-taliban sentiment. The American Government appreciates your effort to root out terrorist and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God Bless America!!!!
Allister
01-11-04, 05:01 PM
We all want to do our part in the war on terrorism. Finally, a plan that makes sense on the local level. I know I'll be outside in a lawn-chair on Saturday. We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than is wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, So next Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-taliban sentiment. The American Government appreciates your effort to root out terrorist and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God Bless America!!!!
They should make that a national holiday.
megaman
01-13-04, 09:43 AM
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was c*ming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f*****g bike!
jeff williams
01-13-04, 12:10 PM
:roflmao: deserves a bump.
megaman
01-14-04, 02:12 PM
Boudreaux and Thibadeaux wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them.
Boudreaux said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Thibadeaus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Boudreaux replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." They went into the pub where Boudreaux immediately ordered two double shot of Jack Daniels.
Thibadeaux said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know
how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!!"
Boudreaux replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Boudreaux said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub Thibadeaus said, "Boudreaux - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killin' me!"
Boudreaux said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third bar!
An elderly lady with a dog, called Verizon to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the telephone did ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when
the phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and
urinate on the ground.
4. The wet ground around the ground post would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just p1$$ing on them. This is why guys say "P1$$ on it" when they can't fix something....
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