Jokes & Humor - The Clintons
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02-17-08, 11:36 AM
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
‘Fifty dollars!’ she would cry out from the curb.
‘No, Five dollars!’ fired back Clinton ….
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He’d run by and she’d yell, ‘Fifty dollars!’
And he’d yell back, ‘Five dollars!’
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the ‘pro’ would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?’
02-17-08, 11:41 AM
A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary Clinton is attending, and trying gather more support for her nomination.
Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.
As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
She stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around r anches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse. "
"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
02-17-08, 11:43 AM
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as Bill Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there is the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said. A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country."
"Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"
02-17-08, 11:49 AM
Three men - an ex- President, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The ex-President says, "I am an ex-President and I want my Wife to be President so I can be in The White House again."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the ex-Presidents Wife was now in the running for Presidency.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels or Americans can come in our our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 500 feet high, 5o feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says,
"Fill it with water."
02-17-08, 11:50 AM
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of "arrogance", considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
02-17-08, 11:51 AM
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
A Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."
02-17-08, 11:55 AM
"In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why
President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan. Probably for
the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk."
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic
athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an
astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to
go in to medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling
people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president
because she can't do anything else."
"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for
president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally
wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed."
"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton
running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea,
while others hate it."
"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is
elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton...
when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank."
A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on
eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but
still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some
furniture and a Senate seat for mine."
"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all
ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton's former business
partners can vote for her in 2008."
Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her
personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep
with an intern."
- Craig Kilborn
In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary
details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him,
getting married, and living a passionate , wonderful life as husband and
wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
- Jay Leno
"In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair,
she said "I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air. No, I'm sorry,
that's what Monica said."
- David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that
she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of
the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed.
He is crushed, there go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."
- David Letterman
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her
new home in Washington People said it was a lot like the parties she used to
host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."
- Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking
his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise
made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush
spend the night on the couch."
- Craig Kilborn
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in
America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire
her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New
York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible - the one
with only seven commandments."
02-17-08, 11:57 AM
And the last one, I swear.
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in New York State one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you?", asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied :"I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened like lightning!"
02-17-08, 02:14 PM
I vote to sticky this thread! :D
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