The main difference is that god gave men two heads, but only enough blood for one.


We know where the blood usually isn't.

.....;)

Women waiting for the perfect man...

Ahem!

The perfect man..

The perfect woman..

Hellooo...I am TRYING to make a fashion statement here!

^^^^ lol...I wonder if that was staged...

^^^^ lol...I wonder if that was staged...

No. She was wearing it correctly before the accident...

No. She was wearing it correctly before the accident...

...lol...

Of course men can multi-task!

no.. but i have always wanted to be tied up :D *slobber*

Want me to take care of that for ya!!?? ;)

A good man...

The call him "Chunky" 'coz it's thickerer

Want me to take care of that for ya!!?? ;)

Hate to advocate cars, but after you tie him up, you should put him in the trunk of a car and dump him in another state...

:)

New eyechart for men...

New eyechart for men...
Ye Gods, MsVicki; that's what caused the poor eyesight in the first place. :eek:

Ten Reasons Why a Dog is Better Than a Woman

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither understands what you see in cats.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both break wind shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.


HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from
them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither understands what you see in cats.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both break wind shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.




Sorry miss vicky my dog will always wash the dishes.

Joe

Sorry miss vicky my dog will always wash the dishes.

Joe

But would you eat off of them after?

Sorry miss vicky my dog will always wash the dishes.

Joe

:D

But would you eat off of them after?
Of Course! {but I wash them first}

Joe :beer:

RULES FOR MEN TO MAKE WOMEN HAPPY

Always knew it was easy! - It's really not difficult...
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24 sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

birthdays
anniversaries
arrangements she makes




HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

"Shag him" ... Groovy baby!

A teacher divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The other day John came home from work and was greeted by his wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

John: Do you know where I can find that new book called Men Rule, Women Obey?
Beth: Yes, it's in the fiction department.

The other day John came home from work and was greeted by his wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Stress? Who's stressed?

AHEM!

Should be done at least every 6 months.
Start at top line and compare normal view with condition.

http://www.menshealth.com/eyechart/index.html

(In case you are wondering, I do NOT write these things!)

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!

No wonder men are happier.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!

No wonder men are happier.

Almost time to hit the malls, men.

Too much time on the computer, dear!

Good nite, dear!

Almost time to hit the malls, men.

I still have a few hours...

Ms. Vicki!
Thanks for the many humorous jokes.

That wasn't a real one??

DEFINITION OF BARBEQUING... It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do.


When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


We married the same man.

A good man...


yahooo!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

Ahhh!....an archive of aged-to-perfection MsVicki!..... :beer: .....Sleep well..... :love:

Thank You MsVicki !! Just spent the last hour LOL. keep up the good work.

Maybe he will listen the next time she says she just wants to be held!

Friendship among women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she
tells her husband she slept over at a friends house.
The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them
know about it.

Friendship among men:
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he
tells his wife he slept over at a friends house.
The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. 8 of
them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still
there.

Maybe he will listen the next time she says she just wants to be held!

nah hes like an inch off the ground

My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl? he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

This is a joke right, well funny thing is, iv got a simular situation which is true! Me and my best freind met up wit some girls in town, because when he was talking to 1 of them and she asked him on msn what hes doing he said "wana go to town on saturday" he really meant " i wana go to town on saturday" but she thought he was asking her and said yes, so he decided he better go! and of course invited me because walking around town with 2 girls is a scary prospect when there are shops there!

Holy smokes! that's HIGH maintenance !


RULES FOR MEN TO MAKE WOMEN HAPPY

Always knew it was easy! - It's really not difficult...
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24 sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

birthdays
anniversaries
arrangements she makes




HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

Men in a supermarket line ...... Women in same line..........

unload basket, move to bags and Reads mags an scandal papers
bagging soon as the checker till previous person has left chek
passes the items thru the scanner out aisle.
takes wallet out of pocket, has CASH Then starts to unload cart,
in hand when checker hands the bill groups EVERYTHING together
decides to rearrange items
after checker has started.
Closely watches every action of
checker to make sure no over
charge
Tells bagger zactly how she
wants things bagged
After all is bagged starts to dig
in purse for wallet
Dumps purse on counter to find
wallet
puts EVERTHING back in purse
looks in cash, counts it out
decides she needs to save cash
for tomorrow
puts cash back in wallet
then digs thru charge cards for
one that isn't overdrawn TOO
Badly
Drops pen while trying to sign
Has to find wallet again to put
card and receiptaway

OOOOPPPPS big sorry really messed up the way it was "spozzed" to be listed