Jokes & Humor - The difference between men and women...

Holy smokes! that's HIGH maintenance !



RULES FOR MEN TO MAKE WOMEN HAPPY

Always knew it was easy! - It's really not difficult...
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24 sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

birthdays
anniversaries
arrangements she makes




HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

Men in a supermarket line ...... Women in same line..........

unload basket, move to bags and Reads mags an scandal papers
bagging soon as the checker till previous person has left chek
passes the items thru the scanner out aisle.
takes wallet out of pocket, has CASH Then starts to unload cart,
in hand when checker hands the bill groups EVERYTHING together
decides to rearrange items
after checker has started.
Closely watches every action of
checker to make sure no over
charge
Tells bagger zactly how she
wants things bagged
After all is bagged starts to dig
in purse for wallet
Dumps purse on counter to find
wallet
puts EVERTHING back in purse
looks in cash, counts it out
decides she needs to save cash
for tomorrow
puts cash back in wallet
then digs thru charge cards for
one that isn't overdrawn TOO
Badly
Drops pen while trying to sign
Has to find wallet again to put
card and receiptaway

OOOOPPPPS big sorry really messed up the way it was "spozzed" to be listed

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:




DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish...........................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................No tits
Average looking.............Ugly
Beautiful.......................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.......On medication
Feminist........................Fat
Free spirit......................Junkie
Friendship first..............Former ****
Fun.................................Annoying
New-Age..............Body hair in the wrong
places
Old-fashioned................No BJs
Open-minded.................Desperate
Outgoing.....................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.....................Sloppy drunk
Professional....................*****
Voluptuous.................Very Fat
Large frame....................! Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate............Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6 We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit =I'm gay

How to impress a woman:

* Wine her,
* Dine her;
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:
* Show up naked, bring popcorn and beer...don't block the TV

Women want one man to meet all of their needs. Men want all women to meet one of their needs. :D

New eyechart for men...

where u find that i got to get me one of them

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Jennifer Anniston starts unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12.Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever!

29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below. GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below. GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

You left us hanging on the definition of "balls". (Pun noted, but not necessarily intended).

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ran across a pretty funny list of differences between men and women and did a search to find if it had been posted. Turned up this ZOMBIE that had some pretty rich material so I'm giving it a bump. There are some missing images but nevertheless still an awful lot of meat left on these bones. The list I was going to post is on page 3 IIRC...