The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife. "The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women follow instructions........Don't mess with them.
Stubacca
10-10-03, 03:23 PM
:D :beer: :roflmao: :lol:
Nice one! Damn true, too....
MsVicki
10-10-03, 04:10 PM
Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument...
1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
2. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."
3. "You're just upset because you have gained thirty pounds.."
4. "Wait a minute...I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?"
6. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."
7. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."
8. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of ***** Flakes this morning."
9. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"
10. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."
TrekRider
10-10-03, 06:17 PM
A husband and wife are hunting, when the man falls and apparently dies. She calls 911 and asks what to do. The operators says before proceeding to make sure her husband is dead. There is a pause and the operator hears a gun shot, then the wife gets back on the phone and says "Okay, I'm sure. Now what?"
MsVicki
10-10-03, 09:55 PM
DEFINITION OF BARBEQUING... It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do.
When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
MsVicki
10-10-03, 10:09 PM
My Dad had a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit...
When she tried it on, he said, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you."
MsVicki
10-10-03, 10:16 PM
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear, if we
don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!"
Bikesick
10-11-03, 12:08 AM
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear, if we
don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!"
I love it! Classic!!!
MsVicki
10-11-03, 06:49 AM
HER VERSION vs HIS VERSION
HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe I should never wear this color again either.
The conversation was so slow going, so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant, and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it, but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
HIS STORY:
Bad day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though.
MsVicki
10-11-03, 07:48 AM
These were found on ladies' bumper stickers:
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
MsVicki
10-11-03, 07:50 AM
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all
a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
MsVicki
10-11-03, 08:05 AM
Ten things you'll never hear a man say:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big..
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!.
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?.
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the
wallpaper store with me?.
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held..
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place..
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on..
1. We never talk anymore
Ten things you'll never hear a woman say:
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?.
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV..
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!.
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!.
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends"..
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?.
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to
get there..
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here..
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress..
1. Hey, pull my finger!.
MsVicki
10-14-03, 07:30 AM
Now THAT is a busy woman!
MsVicki
10-14-03, 08:27 AM
Trouble in Paradise
There was a couple that went to a restaurant to have dinner.
When the waiter came, the husband said: "I'd like to have
the veal."
"And what about the mad cow?" asked the waiter.
"Oh yeah, she'll have the chicken."
MsVicki
10-23-03, 08:28 AM
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter - ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
MsVicki
10-28-03, 02:02 PM
"Hi, sweetie, I am going to be late.....the car won't start....they said it had water in the carburetor!!"
MsVicki
11-15-03, 08:39 AM
New Medications for Women Only
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... Can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
MsVicki
11-30-03, 05:38 PM
Nag, nag, nag!
MsVicki
12-14-03, 10:57 PM
Do you suppose this romantic evening was ruined??
Zub Zub
12-15-03, 12:59 AM
Do you suppose this romantic evening was ruined??
OW :eek:
MsVicki
12-16-03, 08:21 AM
the male brain
jacob
12-16-03, 09:27 AM
Vicki are you not referring to some neanderthal's ancestor?
Stubacca
12-16-03, 09:35 AM
the male brain
... and the female brain... :D
jacob
12-16-03, 12:02 PM
hey is this a joke or something?
oh ok then.....
AlphaGeek
12-17-03, 11:15 AM
No, jacob, these are absolutely serious! Haven't you seen an MRI before?
Stubacca
12-17-03, 11:22 AM
It's all about perception...
What women see:
Stubacca
12-17-03, 11:23 AM
...and what men see:
poululla
12-19-03, 04:58 AM
I do not usually get involved in this kind of thread, but I could not resist
MsVicki
12-27-03, 09:27 AM
Some females might like this he-mote control. :D
Zub Zub
01-04-04, 03:47 PM
Some females might like this he-mote control. :DHmmmmmm got to get my self one of those... Where do you buy them? :p
A.troll
01-04-04, 04:18 PM
Do you suppose this romantic evening was ruined??
Ya think??
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
iamlucky13
01-04-04, 07:59 PM
Do you suppose this romantic evening was ruined??
Isn't that what you call foreplay?
Lady Jane
01-04-04, 09:30 PM
Isn't that what you call foreplay?
That would be the kind of foreplay I can do without!
:roflmao:
MsVicki
01-08-04, 07:58 PM
What man talk means...
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Allister
01-08-04, 09:30 PM
Uh-oh. They're on to us.
MsVicki
01-19-04, 08:24 AM
(Notes pinned by her well-meaning husband to the pillow of a mother who has the flu.)
Monday A.M. My Dearest: Please sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: finger-sandwiches and fruit cup. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around 6:00. Hope you're feeling better.
Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. I tried to catch it. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in their Thermos bottles? Apparently not a good idea. The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely place to find Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the frig. Am trying to find out what smells in the kitchen. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meat packing house.
Thursday A.M. Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P..M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal? I thought it was automatic.. Guess not.
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!
Friday A.M. Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink! Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.
MsVicki
02-25-04, 09:28 PM
Hmmm...
MsVicki
04-03-04, 08:50 PM
Third place in the Man of the Year Award goes to..
MsVicki
04-03-04, 08:52 PM
Second place in the Man of the Year Award goes to...
MsVicki
04-03-04, 08:53 PM
And the winner of this year's Man of the Year Award....
MsVicki
04-08-04, 07:35 PM
If men vacuumed...
A.troll
04-18-04, 09:56 AM
so ya ARE all just mindless ant like creatures!? :eek:
Merton, Merton, Merton. Have you ever had your ass kicked by a chick?
Just kidding. Gimme a smooch! :love:
trekkie820
04-18-04, 10:38 AM
I apologize in advance to feminists...remeber, jokes and humor!
A.troll
04-18-04, 02:23 PM
I apologize in advance to feminists...remeber, jokes and humor!
Trekkie, trekkie, trekkie.....have YOU ever had YOUR ass kicked by a chick? :p
:love:
trekkie820
04-18-04, 04:12 PM
Can't say that I have, but if one tried, she would most likely win. I can't bring myself to hit a woman. EVER.
MsVicki
04-18-04, 04:52 PM
Can't say that I have, but if one tried, she would most likely win. I can't bring myself to hit a woman. EVER.
Even if one was beating you up? Wow, what a gentleman!
:D
Hopper
04-21-04, 03:13 AM
I was in a car a women was driving and in the passenger's seat was another women, she was navigating.
The navigator told the driver to take a left, when she was meant to turn right, but the driver turned right. this then made us go where we were meant to go.
This shows that two wrongs can make a right, and this was done by women, maybe women are always right. Scary.
By the way, this is actually a true story.
a2psyklnut
04-23-04, 08:57 AM
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left!
-someone's sig that caught my eye!
MsVicki
06-01-04, 12:41 PM
My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
"Would you like to go out, girl? he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
MsVicki
06-20-04, 11:16 AM
House Cleaning Tips For Men
Sweeping and Mopping the Floors
Have the dog sweep the floors, with his tail, and lick up all the crumbs. (For stubborn spots that require scrubbing, recruit a cat. You may have to add tuna water to the spot). If you don't have a dog or cat, well, you are in trouble. Go, find one roaming the neighborhood, quick!
Vacuuming
Call for a demo from a vacuum cleaner salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works, in all parts of the house; insisting the carpet looks the same ... but really is different, in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company. Keep a chart and rotate between companies.
Dusting
Only do what is at eye level or below and only right before someone is coming over! Run a rag over everything, quickly. (Don't waste your time using the Pledge or Endust. It might harm the computer and that risk is unacceptable!) For the illusion of using those products, spray a few squirts into the air; just like using air freshener.
Laundry
First, find a good place to hide it! If you actually have to do it, like when you have no underwear .... (heck, who needs underwear?). Okay, now .... let's say its time to fold those rotten clothes. Run the dryer, again and again, and again. Let the machine do the work. That's what we bought it for, right?
Cleaning the Toilet
Hey, simple, just close the lid.
Clean the Shower
Close the shower door or curtain.
Cleaning the Rest of the Bathroom
Again, just close the door. For the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath, pour some Lysol in the trash can. That illusion will work until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which ...
Taking out the Trash
If you can't find anyone in your house to take it out, bribe a neighbor. Say you hurt your back or some other sob story. That one might be good for getting, at least, a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor, as well! Try not to use it too often. They might get suspicious.
Wash the Dishes
Duh, the dishwasher, of course. If something doesn't wash off, run it again and again. If that doesn't work, throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet .... paper plates, plastic utensils, and plastic cups are a far better way to go; as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash.