Jokes & Humor - Got to love those blonde jokes!

Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park......" then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Oh, no! I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A blond CPA was bummed out with her life and decided she needed change.

So she dyed her hair brunette and moved to the country. She had never been out of the city before and was thrilled with everything. On her first day driving to her new job, she saw a herd of animals and thought they were beautiful. She stopped and asked the man tending them what they were. He said they were sheep. She said she just had to have one.

The sheep herder said "If you can guess how many I have, you can have your pick." The CPA was really no dummy when it came to numbers. She surveyed the flock and guessed exactly right. She picked the one she liked and put it in her car.

The sheep herder then asked "If I guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"

How can you tell when a blonde has been at your computer?





































Liquid paper on the monitor.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke!!!!

They made a beer ad out of that one out here.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

What's the first thing a blonde says when she wakes up in the morning?


"Are you all on the same football team?"

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.

Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

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:roflmao:

What do blondes and turtles have in common?




When you get them on their backs.....they're both F...d

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

A blonde comes home one day to find her husband banging another woman.

"Billy, what are you doing?!" she cries.

Billy looks at his lover and says "See. I told you she was stupid."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these
pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,
...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

How does a blonde print her email?

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant with twins.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant. You know what she'll say after that? Is it mine?

Why can't blondes dial 911?
They can't find the eleven on the phone.

Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads?
They want to measure their intelligence.

Why do blondes stand under light bulbs?
It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.

Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
In case they have to draw blood.

Judi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped
you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed,
Judi -- the Blonde."

Judi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. (Duh).

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Judi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

the parent then proceeded to call 9*#11#*911 and tell the kid when he arrived at his home that hmm since you are blonde too we will all get a haircut, nay, a total head shaving!

Jacob

Blondes and Football

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blond yelled at the doctor...''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''

A Guy sitting at the bar turns to his friend and announces: "Man! I've got this great Blonde joke to tell you!" He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns round.

A Blonde woman stands behind him, hands on hips and says "Before you tell that joke, I'd like to point out that I'm Blonde and hold a Black Belt in Shotokan Karate. My friend sitting beside me is also Blonde and she's the Hungarian Female Powerlifting Champion."

The man looks over at the friend who could easily be the Hulk's little sister. The Blonde continues... "The Barmaid over there is Blonde and she keeps a Colt 45 tucked into her waist. That Blonde woman behind your friend is just out of jail for multiple homocides. The Blonde woman to my left is Australian Crocodile wrestling champion and the Blonde who's just come in is undisputed Batamweight World Boxing Champion. So before you continue... are you SURE you want to tell your Blonde joke?!?"


**Long Pause**


The man turns to his friend and shakes his head. "Not if I'm going to have to repeat it 6 times!!!"

Well, I don't alternate side park my car...however, my neighbor (dark-haired
one at that seems to move her car many times during a snowstorm.
She doesn't like parking her car in their three car garage. Its just her and her husband with the dogs. She commented that its gets a little damp in the garage
during the winter season. I would just "suck it up" and park to avoid all the
headaches. What do you think???
I am sure people may think I'm an airhead...a natural sun-tanned beach...
you guess the rest..... I liked that joke....please send me another.
Juicy

Inventions by Blondes


1. The water-proof towel
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses
3. Solar powered flashlights
4. Submarine screen doors
5. A book on how to read
6. Inflatable dart boards
7. A dictionary index
8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
9. Powdered water
10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs
11. Waterproof tea bags
12. Watermelon seed sorter
13. Zero proof alcohol
14. Reuseable ice cubes
15. See-through toilet tissue
16. Skinless bananas
17. Do-it-yourself road map
18. Turnip ice cream
19. Toe implants
20. An all white flag
21. Rolls Royce pickup truck
22. Helicopter Ejector Seat

Things A Blonde Can't Do, Can Do, and Does

1. Take her new scarf back to the store because it is too tight.

2. Can't learn to water ski because she can't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months and the box said "2 to 4 years".

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said one hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

How can you tell this car is a blonde's car?

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts. "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side!"

Highway patrolman Hodges pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Two blondes are out driving. As they start to decend a steep hill the blonde driving shouts "O my God. We've got no brakes."

The other blonde says "It's ok, there's a stop sign at the bottom."

Dear Diary:

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those

expensive double-pane energy efficient kind....But this week I got

a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been

completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean

that I am automatically stupid...So, I proceeded to tell him just what

his fast talking sales guy had told me last year...that in one year

the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up

and I have not heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!

Too funny! :)

The Blonde PoliceWoman

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser
pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.

The female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the
blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to
the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's a little square thing and it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small
rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said,
"Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde
policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we
could have avoided all this hassle."

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?" She replies, "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

a man was driving down the Highway when a rabbit jumped in front of his car. He was unable to avoid it so it was struck and killed. He immediately pulled over and backed up to examine the rabbit. Sure enough it was dead. Being a very sensitive individual this grieved him deeply and he stood by the rabbit and wept. A blonde was driving in the other direction and saw him crying. She stopped and crossed the road to ask what was the matter. The man explained that he had struck the rabbit with his automobile and he was greatly saddened by it"s death. The blonde said is that all ? I can fix that right up! She went to her car and retrieved a spray can of something or other. She sprayed it on the rabbit and it jumped up hopped about ten yards and turned and waved with both forepaws and continued this behaviour till it was out of sight. The man was amazed and insisted that he had to see the can to know what was in it. The blonde handed him the can and this is what he read,( Hair spray use for dead or lifeless hair restores body adds pemanent wave) Hair Synonym Hare.

A blonde stops at an airport advertising airplanes for rent. The owner tells her that he has no airplanes available, but has a helicopter she can rent.

So, she rents the helicopter and is doing great! She flies up smoothly and after reaching about 30,000 feet the motor stops and she drops and slams into the ground!

The owner rushes to her side and seeing that she is ok asks if she knew what caused the crash. I don't know, the blonde says, I was climbing higher and higher and when I started to get cold I turned that big fan off...

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the Captain and Copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and she won't move back to her seat. The Copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave First Class and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The Copilot returns to the cockpit and tells the Captain that he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman as she won't listen to reason. The Captain says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde. He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the Captain and Copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and she won't move back to her seat. The Copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave First Class and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The Copilot returns to the cockpit and tells the Captain that he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman as she won't listen to reason. The Captain says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde. He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."


:roflmao:

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam.
She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble
parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the
examiner. She asks, "Now what?"

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

:rolleyes: I'm sorry, but living in Queensland, I find it very hard to get suprised by things like that -- and not just from blondes.

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Inventions by Blondes

22. Helicopter Ejector Seat

just a useless fact: this exists and is currently implemented in some of Kamov's choppers - of course the blades are designed to eject FIRST.

Some of the bolts that hold the rotors on are packed with a small explosive charge, when you engage the ejector, there are various models that are engaged in different ways. The rotors blow off, the rails the seat is on start to move, the canopy blows off, the chair is catapulted up the rails and then a small engine shoots the pilot up about 100yards and the main canopy opens. All this happens in about .4 of a second depending on ejection model.

just a useless fact: this exists and is currently implemented in some of Kamov's choppers - of course the blades are designed to eject FIRST.

There are other designs as well, one design that comes to mind was where the pilot and co-pilot seats dropped out of the bottom of the copter.

apologies for killing thread, here's a joke:

on board an airliner, a smug lawyer tries to impress the young blonde sitting next to him by declaring a challenge: "I'll ask you a question, any question. If you can't answer it, you have to give me $5. BUT in return, you get to ask me any question. If I can't answer it, I give you $50." The blonde instantly accepts.
"I'll go first" says the lawyer, "What's the capital of Chechnya?" Without trying, the blonde gives him $5. Feeling arrogant as ever, the lawyer says "Grzony of course! ok - your turn."

The blonde asks "what goes uphill on 2 legs and comes down on 5 legs?". The lawyer is stumped, but in fairness, says "that's a good one. looks like i owe you $50." and hands her a 50 note, and waits for the answer. after a long pause, he presses: "okay... so ... what was the answer to your question?"

without trying, she hands him $5.

Once my [blonde] sister in law and her husband had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my
sister in law watched it pull up to the wing. She asked her husband, "What's that little white truck doing?"

He explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my sister in law watched the plane
being fueled each time.

At the last stop, her husband said, "Ya know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."

His wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know....that lil' white truck is keeping up with us."

A blonde friend confided that she feared that one day she would meet
God, He would sneeze, and she wouldn't know what to say.

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a blonde female pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious to the rolling truck, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was alright..

"Oh, I'm fine," she assured me, "but gee, I sure hate to think what could of happened to me if that dog hadn't honked!"