Fifty Plus (50+) - I'm tired of FEB! A little humour please!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3ScfgHMKzI&feature=related

THE THREE STAGES OF A MAN'S LIFE, PART 1: SINGLE

http://homepage.mac.com/sbacig/.Pictures/Me/Image-1.jpg

THE THREE STAGES OF A MAN'S LIFE, PART 2: MARRIED

http://homepage.mac.com/sbacig/.Pictures/Me/Image-2.jpg

THE THREE STAGES OF A MAN'S LIFE, PART 3: DIVORCED

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(joke courtesy of a happily married male friend of mine)

Just for you, an extra day will be placed in February. Like daylight savings time, the extra day may be made permanent.

1. Employers will be able to obtain more productivity from salary employees.
2. There will be 4 extra hours of daylight in February (good for energy savings)
3. Presidential Elections will be held every year instead of every 4 years..............................................................................that's for the extra humor you wanted.

Leap day
Main article: Leap Day
The Gregorian calendar is a modification of the Julian calendar first used by the Romans. The Roman calendar originated as a lunisolar calendar and named many of its days after the syzygies of the moon: the new moon (Kalendae or calends, hence "calendar") and the full moon (Idus or ides). The Nonae or nones was not the first quarter moon but was exactly one nundinae or Roman market week of nine days before the ides, inclusively counting the ides as the first of those nine days. In 1825, Ideler believed that the lunisolar calendar was abandoned about 450 BC by the decemvirs, who implemented the Roman Republican calendar, used until 46 BC. The days of these calendars were counted down (inclusively) to the next named day, so 24 February was ante diem sextum Kalendas Martii ("the sixth day before the calends of March") often abbreviated a. d. VI Kal. Mar. The Romans counted days inclusively in their calendars, so this was actually the fifth day before March 1 when counted in the modern exclusive manner (not including the starting day).[4]

The Republican calendar's intercalary month was inserted on the first or second day after the Terminalia (a. d. VII Kal. Mar., February 23). The remaining days of Februarius were dropped. This intercalary month, named Intercalaris or Mercedonius, contained 27 days. The religious festivals that were normally celebrated in the last five days of February were moved to the last five days of Intercalaris. Because only 22 or 23 days were effectively added, not a full lunation, the calends and ides of the Roman Republican calendar were no longer associated with the new moon and full moon.

The Julian calendar, which was developed in 46 BC by Julius Caesar, and became effective in [[45 BC], distributed an extra ten days among the months of the Roman Republican calendar. Caesar also replaced the intercalary month by a single intercalary day, located where the intercalary month used to be. To create the intercalary day, the existing ante diem sextum Kalendas Martii (February 24) was doubled, producing ante diem bis sextum Kalendas Martii. Hence, the year containing the doubled day was a bissextile (bis sextum, "twice sixth") year. For legal purposes, the two days of the bis sextum were considered to be a single day, with the second half being intercalated, but common practice by 238, when Censorinus wrote, was that the intercalary day was followed by the last five days of February, a. d. VI, V, IV, III and pridie Kal. Mar. (which would be those days numbered 24, 25, 26, 27, and 28 from the beginning of February in a common year), i.e. the intercalated day was the first half of the doubled day. All later writers, including Macrobius about 430, Bede in 725, and other medieval computists (calculators of Easter), continued to state that the bissextum (bissextile day) occurred before the last five days of February.

Until 1970, the Roman Catholic Church always celebrated the feast of Saint Matthias on a. d. VI Kal. Mar., so if the days were numbered from the beginning of the month, it was named February 24 in common years, but the presence of the bissextum in a bissextile year immediately before a. d. VI Kal. Mar. shifted the latter day to February 25 in leap years, with the Vigil of St. Matthias shifting from February 23 to the leap day of February 24. Other feasts normally falling on February 25–28 in common years are also shifted to the following day in a leap year (although they would be on the same day according to the Roman notation). The practice is still observed by those who use the older calendars.

I added this for humor too. I had been under the mistaken impression that our system of government was somewhat cumbersome. It would appear though that our bureaucracy has merely adopted some of the old ways, not all.

Most importantly, for those of you with good weather, you get an extra day to ride. (thus putting this whole thread back on topic.

Wow. That gave me a headache. Now I'm even more* tired of February.

However. 2 weeks and 2 days until Kansas!

I'm too depressed from all of cold, snow, and ice to be funny.

And our 15-day forecast is not doing me any good.

March 6: Hi-27, Lo-10
March 7: Hi-27, Lo-17
March 8: Hi-28, Lo-19

Then it warms up a bit on March 10: Hi-40, Lo-23 but will be cloudy and rainy.

Winter will not relax its cold, icy grip on us. The warmest temp we've hit in the entire month of February was 34. Even places that are considered to be cold, like Rochester NY, has had 10 days of 35+, with a high of 53. When Rochester starts sounding like a warm place to move to, you know you've had your fill of winter.

Weren't you in Florida just a short time ago?

OK. Time to give up my favorite joke:

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Why the long face?"

I'm too depressed from all of cold, snow, and ice to be funny.

And our 15-day forecast is not doing me any good.

March 6: Hi-27, Lo-10
March 7: Hi-27, Lo-17
March 8: Hi-28, Lo-19

Then it warms up a bit on March 10: Hi-40, Lo-23 but will be cloudy and rainy.

Winter will not relax its cold, icy grip on us. The warmest temp we've hit in the entire month of February was 34. Even places that are considered to be cold, like Rochester NY, has had 10 days of 35+, with a high of 53. When Rochester starts sounding like a warm place to move to, you know you've had your fill of winter.

Be sure to bring your shovel! We got 9 inches of "Lake Effect" last
night from that last storm you sent our way and it's 16 degrees F. Only 80 inches for the season though.
It has been a gentle winter this year.

We've had three days of 70+ and sunshine, so I've been able to ride after work every day this week! All those days of rain and 60 deg.F highs were really wearing on me.

Good to be back to the 70's again! Feb. in SoCal isn't so bad after all. Yes, the Tour de CA racers had a bad week, but at least they got paid for it.

Rick / OCRR

More jokes, less bemoaning!!!!

Since we've had a lot of discussions on cats lately........

"Cat" astrophic thinking was a different thread. This one's about extracting humor from a dark, cold and snow covered world that will still be dark, cold and snow covered tomorrow. Back in the summer we were hearing from everyone concerned with Global Warming.

See...........doesn't that feel better?

"Cat" astrophic thinking was a different thread. This one's about extracting humor from a dark, cold and snow covered world that will still be dark, cold and snow covered tomorrow.

See...........doesn't that feel better?

The weather is being to look better in my part of the world:rolleyes:

Highs in the 30's and 40's are predicted a few days in the upcoming week. Now if it will NOT rain I will be happier.

Tamarack, California
Sierra Nevada record snowfall during one season:
884 inches (73.7 feet) 1906-07 5

No wonder they rode highwheels back then

One of my favorite cycling jokes:

A avid cyclist dies, goes to heaven, and is met at the gate by Saint Peter. The cyclist asks if there are bicycles in heaven. Saint Peter says "Oh, yeah, let me show you," and leads the cyclist into the fanciest, smoothest velodrome ever seen. "This is great," the cyclist says. "Indeed" says Peter. "You will be fitted a custom track bike, the mechanics will glue on fresh silks each night, and your personal masseuse is will be waiting after each training session." Just then a blur shoots past them riding a gold plated Colnago and the cyclist says "Wow he was fast, that must be Eddy Merck!" "No," says Peter, "that was God, he only thinks he's Eddy".

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car. "What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."
"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

An old joke slightly modified because of my smart wife's hair color:

Sally and her Blond Husband

Sally and her husband live just west of Chicago, Illinois. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Sally's husband goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Sally's wonderful blond husband goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.

Sally's husband is very upset, and with a worried look on his face he says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?

With the love and understanding of all women who appreciate the men in their lives, Sally says, "Sweetheart, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

There you go Solveg..........a sampling of some various forms of humor.............we now return your station to its regular programming.

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”

The checker leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiing.”

:):):):):)

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Ole and Lena got married.

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.

Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to" ... so Ole drove to Duluth.

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "

Yay, Tom!

I heard they're reconsidering whether February is a real month, sort of like whether Pluto is a real planet.

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink Ill just take da bus."

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were auguring a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."

Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice."

They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

(sigh of contentment)

Now I understand how Minnesotans and Wisconsonites withstood the harsh winters of days gone by.



Ole goes out one day to use the outhouse, and he finds Sven there. Sven has his wallet out, and he's throwing money down into the hole of the outhouse.
Ole asks, "Uff da! Sven, watcha doin' there, fella? You're throwing the five dollar bill and the ten dollar bill down into the hole of the outhouse! Whatcha doin' that for?"
Sven answers, "Well, when I pulled up my trousers I dropped a nickel down there—and I'm not going down into that mess for just a nickel!"

I give up.

The Irish navy has a few vacancies for Submariners- but be warned- the Subs are not reliable- That is why there are vacancies. On the last trip the Motor died and the crew got out to give it a push start.

Ole and Lena have just bicycled up Spirit Mountain, one of the steepest peaks in Minnesota.

"Woooh, Dat vas a tough climb" said Ole. "Dat climb vas so hard, and ve vas going so slow, I thought ve vas never going to make it."

"Yah! You Betcha! Good thing I kept the brakes on," said Lena, "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"

Out here in California it's very difficult to find quality Norwegian humor (although I hear there's some pretty good Danish jokes circulating around Solvang!). Thanks to you Midwestern yuksters for helping us poor deprived Left Coasters out.

I have 3 items from my Great Grandfather... his wallet, his long johns, and his Ole and Lena joke book.

Out here in California it's very difficult to find quality Norwegian humor.

You can tell a Norwegian....






but you can't tell him much. :p

Official Minnesota temperature conversion chart

60 above - New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
50 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
40 above - Italian and English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes. Lake Mille Lacs water gets thicker.
20 above - Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above - Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets too cold.
Zero - People in Miami start to expire. Minnesotans lick the flagpole.
20 below - Iowans fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Minnesota Girl Scouts are selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Minnesota Boy Scouts postpone "winter survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helens freezes. People in Minnesota rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life no longer survives in dairy products. Cows in Minnesota complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below - All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin Scale). People in Minnesota start saying, "Cold nuff for ya?"
500 below - Hell freezes over. The Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl.

Tom, do you want to get together for a picnic this summer if it falls on a weekend?

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a Minnesota, a Wisconsin grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Wisconsin grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Badgers!" and pushed the Golden Gophers fan off the side of the mountain.

One day in an elementary school in Minneapolis-Saint Paul, MN, a teacher asks her class if the Minnesota Golden Gophers are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Wisconsin Badgers "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Badger fan, my mom is a Badger fan, I guess that makes me a Badger fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Minnesota fan."

Tom, do you want to get together for a picnic this summer if it falls on a weekend?

This reads like you are asking me if we should hold a picnic *IF* our 2-day summer happens to fall on a weekend!

Q: Why doesn't Iowa have a professional football team?

A: Because Minnesota would want one too.

This reads like you are asking me if we should hold a picnic *IF* our 2-day summer happens to fall on a weekend!

Yes. Exactly.

The Vikings challenged the Packers to an ice-fishing contest. When it came time for the catch weigh-in, the Packers had 100 lbs. of fish, and the Vikings had zero. The Vikings demanded a rematch for the next Saturday.

This time the Packers came in with 200 lbs. of fish, and the Vikings had zero. The Vikings decided the Packers must be cheating so they demanded another rematch, and sent a spy dressed in green and gold to check it out.

This time the Packers came in with 300 lbs., and the Vikings still had zero. So, the Vikings asked their spy if the Packers were cheating.

"Hell yes, they were cheating! They were drilling holes in the ice!"

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Minnesota joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Minnesota grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Minnesota grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Minnesota grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Those are great!

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No, " replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

AT ONE time Ole ran a dairy farm and did pretty well. He adpted a slogan which he hung on the wall:
"All dat I am . . . I owe to udders."

OK, Solveg, from your other home (btw, the last one on the list is 100% true!).

You Know You're From Kansas If. . .

You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.

Your closest neighbor is more than a mile away and you can still see him from your front porch.

A traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

You are not surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition and bait all in the same store.

You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

You had at least one summer job that was bucking bales or custom cutting.

More than once you've made a beer run to another state.

You have had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

You know everything goes better with Ranch.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit more than one deer.

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.

A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!"

Lena hears the breaking news on the TV - "there's a crazy person driving the wrong way on the interstate!" Knowing that Ole was driving home that very same way, she calls him and says, "watch out - there's a crazy person driving the wrong way on that road." Ole says, "One? There's hundreds!"